New here - no memory of my life - warning possible trigger

[yellow33]

Hello, I'm new here and I've read several postings here already. It's nice to know there's others who understand the emotional turbulence I experience all the time. I'm wondering if there is anyone else who has no memory of their life? Basically I have no memories of my childhood and now that I'm in my late 20's, I don't remember my teenage years and I have spotty memories of my early 20's. I've been seeing a therapist because my mom (and my absolute best friend) passed away which sent me in a spiral of darkness I never knew existed. My therapist diagnosed me with CPTSD and said I likely have gotten into a pattern of disassociating my memories, good and bad, due to a traumatic childhood. I believe I know what/who caused this but because I don't remember, I'll never really know. I I'm so worried I'll forget my whole life because that's the road I'm on. My therapist is amazing though and we're working through it. Has anyone else "forgotten" their trauma? Are you able to remember good memories again? I barely remember my 3 yr olds birth or what she looked like as an infant and I barely remember what my mom looked like or sounded like and I struggle with this overwhelming fear that I'll forget them completely. Thank you so much.

[Butterfly]

As far as I know it's not uncommon for whole chunks of the past to be gone in the brains attempts to erase the past or hide the trauma. It might be good to ensure there's no medical issue especially if you can't remember things as recently as three years ago the birth of your child. Welcome and hopefully the resources and community here can help comfort you in some way.

[wallflower]

From what I've read it is common. Since you are still pretty young, I'm guessing that will help in recovering the memories (compared to someone who is in their 50s and can't remember a lot, such as I am). If and when you recall the trauma, some of the rest could come back with it.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTF Yellow! 

I agree that it might be an idea to check things out with your GP, but the whole lack of or at least fuzzy or spotty memory thing is common in CPTSD because as your T suggested we dissociate to greater or lesser degrees depending on how we experienced trauma.

Myself I felt quite guilty that I cannot remember things that my H and S remember clearly (it comes up time and time again still), until I began to recover and realized that I was not entirely present for much of my life.  This included the happy times with my H and S because lest I be abandoned again I kept part of myself distant. It's a bit crazy to explain to anyone who doesn't have CPTSD, but here it makes perfect sense when you do understand the what and why of the disorder.

It's great that you are in therapy as a good T can guide you into recovering some of those memories and processing the trauma so that you can begin to heal.   

Glad you found your way here to OOTS 

PS - There's a thread on dissociation here http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=166.0 and you can use the search function on the top right hand side of this page to look for posts about memory.

[Mybeautifulabuser]

Hey yellow,

Welcome.  I am new too, just a day on here and already I feel so supported.

I have very little memory of my childhood up to adolescence, and no positive memories whatsoever (I am sure I must have had some good times with my mum but can't recall anything at all).

I have a handful of very traumatic memories and that is it....although I do remember good times when alone, or in the presence of a safe person, books I read, music I loved, places....just nothing about my only caregiver and my abuser, my mum.

It's proof to me that childhood abuse definitely affects memory in a big way.  Either that or I'm just bloody forgetful 

Please feel very welcome to read my story at my brand new blog, www.mybeautifulabuser.com, started in an attempt to give myself, my real self, at last, a voice....

Rx

[NatureGirl]

I can definitely relate to memory white wash. I have so few memories of my children's childhood. I didn't take photos because in those days it was so expensive to develop them. So, I've loads of guilt about that. I often daydream, even during important meetings I drift off. I lose myself in rad ding. But that pleasure is working so much at the moment.
I have flashes of the abuse but I can't remember most details. I was 4 so there is that fact as well. Also the raging fNPD I can recall the emotions rather than details. I don't think I want to remember. We were all so tiny and he was a 6'2"" bully. To this day, I absolutely loathe bullies and I work in a field where I can protect others. The rescuer waiting for rescue.
Thank you to everyone here who shares their story. I am getting so much power from reading your lives.

[Mybeautifulabuser]

I wonder how many of us now care for others in our jobs as well as by being parents.  I work in child protection. Happy new year to all of you....out with the old, in with the new!

R
X

[Jdog]

Happy New Year to everyone!  I agree that forgetting large chunks of one's past is common for those of us with trauma issues. I think, for me, it has to do with what Kizzie mentions about not being fully present during certain parts of the past.  My father used to call me "Walter Mitty", after the fictional character who was lost in thought.  But lost in thought was the safest place to be since I never knew what mood he might be in or what I had done wrong at any time.

In response to the comment about being in fields that can protect others - yes, true for me too.  In my teaching, my greatest satisfaction comes from helping teens learn to cope with their own trauma. 

Stay strong, everyone.  We are winning this battle.

[stacey]

Welcome, Yellow.

This whole memory thing is one of the reasons why Counting Crows are one of my favourites to listen to, esp when I'm triggered. Adam Duritz has dissociative identity disorder and a lot of his lyrics are about forgetting even things he wants to remember, like the woman he loved. Although its good to forget stuff, it's better when it's wilful forgetting rather than system-wide shutdown, for crying out loud.

I had the experience of remembering a traumatic experience when I was 11. It started coming back when I was 16 as little slivers of memory. That's how it feels now when I think of it, as a bunch of shards that are all in the same spot when I look at them but they're not connected. It's pretty amazing how we work to save ourselves, isn't it, but it's quite frightening too.

[Jdog]

Yes, very frightening.  I am fighting dissociation on this New Year's Eve.  My Dad used to get royally smashed on New Years.  This is my first New Years without even a little bit of wine, and I know this will get easier over time but at the moment am feeling pretty sad.

[Kizzie]

My F was the same way JDog, drunk every holiday and added to that  my M would place an inordinate amount of pressure on us to look like a normal family.  That wasn't possible of course so every holiday was the same - walking on egg shells until inevitably the tension would get too high and someone would blow. No wonder we don't want to remember, why would we? 

[samantha19]

That sounds really tough to deal with. I'm glad you're seeing a T and getting help, that's good that you're on the right track.
I identify with the memory blockage but not to such a large extent. Whenever my dad was horrible to me / lost his temper, I would forget the order of events and I couldn't relay them clearly afterwards. I didn't understand this as I was pretty young, and I just figured that when I got overloaded with stress and upset emotions my brain would just be like "nope" and blur it out. I think I thought it was abnormal too, just something my mind done for some reason. I never realised it was a response to trauma. Jeez, I just realised this is technically dissociation, something I never really identified with when reading about CPTSD.
My life is kind of a blur, too. I identify with remembering a lot of bad stuff, and not so much good stuff, but that's probably cause I have depression so such memories were given more focus. And maybe my life was just pretty bad. I mean, it was. My mind is quite foggy now, I'm a "ditzy" person and have poor concentration. Maybe this is something to do with that, too. I am waiting to see a therapist myself so still to work a lot of this stuff out.
Anyway, I wish you all the best in healing. It does sound like you are on a good track as you have a good therapist. All the best!

[stacey]

Isn't it totally weird how you can spend your life dissociating and not even realise that's what's happening? The process of dissociating feels ... well, kinda dissociated

I hope you got thru your NYE relatively unscathed, Jdog!

[Jdog]

Thank you, Stacey. NYE was better than I had feared and the only real problem was overeating - surely a defense mechanism to prevent feeling so much.  I am "thawing out" a bit emotionally at the moment, resuming dialogue with my inner child, and moving forward.

I wish you, and everyone, much kindness toward yourselves as we work on our daily commitments to better self care in 2016.