I am 26. I have know about my CPTSD for one year.

[ShellyRemade]

I never knew what was wrong with me until last year. I have spent so much of my life lonely and alone in the worldly sense.
I grew up in severe long-term abuse and I witness a lot of domestic violence. At eight years old, my mom took us and we ran away. I was given the job to raise my two little sisters. I am to this day, their only parent figure and I wasn't a good one at that.. I was a little kid..

I still feel like a child, scared, confused and so hard on myself that its toxic.
I first started showing symptoms when I was five years old. (After learning about CPTSD, I can remember always being this way ever since I remember.
I am also getting checked for OCD right now.
Thanks for reading,
-Shelly

[Dutch Uncle]

Welcome ShellyRemade,

What a hard history you have had. Been given the job to raise your siblings . Of course you couldn't be a 'good parent'. You weren't supposed to be a parent. What you did, you will have done well, I'm sure of it, dear little kid. 

How brave of you to have you checked on OCD as well. 

I hope and wish you'll find some company here. Be it as the child you feel, and/or as the young adult you are.
Thanks for saying hello, dropping by and joining the club.

See you! 

(Nice nickname, by the way  )

[DaisyMae]

Hi ShellyRemade 

I still feel like a child, scared, confused and so hard on myself that its toxic.

Glad that you are here.  Hopefully sharing your experiences with others here and reading their experiences as well, will help you to understand that these feelings are normal after what you have been through and that it is not your fault.  And, be grateful that you have discovered at a much earlier age what the impact of the abuse has had on you and that you are working to change that.  Many here did not understand until much later in life that there dysfunctional families and the abuse they suffered was not normal, that everyone did not go through the same experiences, were treated the same way.  And, as I learned myself today, be grateful for your experiences and while difficult, grateful for even those that harmed you, because they have helped to make us the unique, caring, empathetic individuals that we are today, have made us stronger as a result.  Turn a negative into a positive.

I know it is hard to feel grateful for the negative events, negative people in our lives.  I finally broke, and still have major anxiety and depression.  But, I am starting to realize that regardless of how I was able to function and take care of others, by dissociation, turning anger inward on myself, having gratitude, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt regardless of how they hurt me, etc...that I was strong, was resilient.  I need to get back my feelings of gratitude, be positive and optimistic about how far I have come, what has been achieved, who I have helped, grateful for the people that helped me, and yes, even those that harmed me.  At one point in my life, I was able to do exactly that.  I was able to forgive those that hurt me and rationalize that I was a better person as result.  Someone who cared about others, was empathetic, genuine, honest.  Gratitude has been what has saved me.  But at my core, I have always felt worthless, unloved, empty, and used.  I am only worthy of being here if I am able to serve others and identify and solve problems.  Make their lives better, make them happy.  I was not allowed to be happy or feel good about anything, everyone else's needs come first.  I am being selfish if I put any of my own wants and needs ahead of others. 

You did the best you could and for the situation, you were the best parent that anyone could have expected you to be.  And some of the best people I know are OCD and it can be a good thing.  As long as you are learning and growing each day, the OCD can be put to good use at home, at work, planning social events.  As a good friend tells me often, You Go Girl! 

DaisyMae 

[arpy1]

welcome ShellyRemade

What a lovely name to call yourself, it's so full of hope .

even tho my kids are grown now, i still find i need the reassurance of what a psychiatrist friend of mine once told me, about parenting:

that you only have to be 'good enough', not great, not perfect, just good enough, and like most of us, bio parents or any other sort, i bet, in spite of everything, you did your level best for your sibs, so it was and still is Good Enough!!

anyway wanted to say welcome really and hope you find this place somewhere where you can feel safe and supported to work thru your stuff.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello Shelley re made
I'm not known long either - how lonely it is in the dark -
Glad to hear you are here too
I suffered with ocd for a long time too and do slip sometimes but not like it used to be -
It's the way we cope hey but possible to have freedom with it !

It was my experience too long term damaging foo and domestic violence -
I became parent to them all !
Am getting well now Pete walkers book is good and I did work with child trauma therapist
Compassion was an area she showed me how to work towards my self - I didn't realise how self beating I was !

My fear and anxiety can still be prevalent but somehow it is losing some of its power now - I get on with life regardless
Spent too much time locked away shivering

All best wishes to you on your next journey in recovery