Hello there

[ladyvashj86]

Hi guys and girls. I just registered and want to introduce myself.

I'm 28 years old and got the diagnosis (ctpd) about 10 years ago. Not from a psychiatrist but from a local doctor. I think that I have complex ptsd, but ok. Until a few months ago I couldn't remember a lot of my childhood. But on one day everything just came to me and it felt like a punch in the stomach.

I started to cut myself on christmas day 1996, when I was 10 years old. Fortunatley I managed to stop with it when I was 22. My older sister was the golden child and I was the scapegoat since the day I was born.  Please excuse some mistakes of grammar or spelling, since English is not my mother tongue.

Well, I don't know what really is interesting about my story for you guys. I have been in a relationship (romantic) for the first time for 2 years now. But I just got a glimpse what is going on with me about a few months ago. It's really hard for me to say "no" to anybody, especially my boyfriend.

I always have the feeling that I'm not good enough and I won't ever be - no matter what I do. Since I have horrible nightmares every day with flashbacks I'm forced to deal with my past.

Often I get those bad feelings out of the blue. Just out of nowhere I feel again like a little girl who is made scapegoat for everything that happens and that my partents are unhappy.

I don't know how you guys cope with situations like: You are at work and out of the blue you remeber how your mum told you everyday that she'd rather aborted you and that you are responsible for her miserable life. That everything would be better if you were not here.

I tend to go to bathroom then and try to get all those feelings to crawl back into my unconsciousness. But it doesn't always work out. When I tell my bodyfriend about those moments he tends to pet me and says: "You have to get over it. You're nearly 30 now and this tuff is way back, it's not important anymore. You just have to forget everything and get on with your life." That doens't help me at all. It even makes things worse.

Right now my situation looks like this: I study scandinavian studies and philosophy at my local university. I have a job where I have to work at minimum 5 days a week. It's a technical support hotline for an internet provider. So people tell me about their problems every day, yell at me, call me names, want refunds, etc. You get the picture. Furthermore I use to go to the gym 3 times a week.

I used to be extremely obese with a weight of 300 pounds. I go to the gym since August 2012 and lost 100 pounds. And I go to the gym because I like to do sports, not in order to loose weight. That's just a plus.

But in the last few months, since I remember everything now, I tend to get sick a lot and suffer from severe migraines. Because of all the stress I gained about 20 pounds again I really feel like a loser and that I won't achieve anything in life.

Well, that's about my situation right now. Maybe you know how I feel and maybe you have some ideas how I can learn to cope with all that stuff.

Have a nice day.

[ladyvashj86]

Hi BeHealthy, thank you for your reply.

It really is rare to talk to someone who fully understands someones feelings. I want to get professional councelling but it's very hard to find a psychiatrist over here. Most of them have a waiting list from 1 year to 3 years. And I think I really need some help now.

I just talked yesterday about that with one of my friends and she gave me some information about how to get professional help faster. I'll have some days off work next week and I'll phone some people. Hopefully I can get an appointment in the next few weeks.

I think my main problem is that I can't see anything good about myself. I always have the feeling that I need to do more, be more helpful, buy more prestens, do more sports, just accomplish more on one day, etc. It'S quite automatic that I think I'm gonna fail my studies, lose my job and so on. And that is really stressful.

In addition to that I realized that my symptoms of c-ptsd got worse when I started to smoke some weed. Not much, just once a month and even then a small dosis. I never got into drugs until I met  my recent boyfriend so I tried it out.

But now I get the feeling that it's not doing me any good. It just opens up all the wounds. But maybe it's just my imagination and the symptoms would have gotten worse anyway.

Thank you for listening and have a nice day!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello thank u for sharing -
I can relate So much to your situation - my story is so similar ...
I collapsed in a heap at work last year ( I work as a nurse) as the 'not good enough messages were so dominating and I just couldn't cope - useless , worthless etc etc it was like I was fully living my past experience psychologically - it felt really overwhelming and scary
I was on a face page for adult children of bpd parents and I heard about c PTSD did some research and said 'Yes that's me ' !!
I was assessed by a therapist via a service that the nhs recommended and I told the assessor that I match c PTSD presentation and have been struggling for over 20yrs - trying private therapists and many other things --
Putting down addictions has been a part of my story too including food through 12 step programme - the support there has been so good
So .. I then was offered a place with specialist in child trauma and she has/ is just fantastic - I feel I've moved on such a lot and feel I've been properly heard and understood
Getting the right support for us is So important I feel
I have never been able to heal alone and having support has been on going -
Having a job that is interpersonal was for me a real challenge and I came to the point where I knew my health had to come first - I had nearly a month off and got occupational health support through my employer - maybe u could do the same -
I now work a 4 day week and it is much better
Yep I have / am a migraine sufferer too
I have never heard anyone else say that there m used to say 'they should have aborted them -
Thank u for being brave to say this
My m used to say that too and it feels the most damaging thing she ever said - it was like a psychological / emotional spiritual and soul machine gun - I went through a phase of feeling like I had no right to walk on the earth - what a sad place to be in now I look back at that young women ( I'm 42 now) and feel nothing but compassion for her -
The worst emotional abuse I feel and now wonder it had such a detrimental effect
But today I know she is sick and it's been 7 yrs nc ( no contact) and I've grown more as time has gone on -
I feel so worth today I feel like I'm an ok person and I feel that I am good enough -
Getting support and the right therapist is key I think
Try to be kind to yourself - be gentler and be your own friend - dont be too hard on yourself ( even when the psychological is saying different - make life manageable esp things that are stressful and have spaces where u can relax and breathe
Learning about c PTSD the symptoms and how to recover have been v helpful

[Boatsetsailrose]

Re addictions - using drugs alcohol and food only made things worse for me and paradoxically helped to numb - the busyness was also a big problem for me - running away from myself to try and achieve
I have found wonderful support and help in 12 step programmes -