62, Nothing has changed

[RileyH]

62, nothing has changed. Years of trauma therapy. A lifetime of being on psychotropic drugs. And still I find myself fighting for my life because my business partner/used to be best friend has pulled the rug out from under me. Pushed me out of the business. I have no money. she says to me to get a lawyer. Yeah, like with what money? She has the upper hand. She has been utterly cruel to me the last month and really before she pushed me out unilaterally.

I'm single. I have no family to take me in or give me money. I am on my own. My therapist suggested I go to a hospital program to get extra support. It was awful and just sparked ptsd symptoms worse. I had a false positive for methadone (I don't do drugs or alcohol) and was placed in a state hospital in a dual diagnosis ward after 3 days in an er. There were so many things traumatizing for me. I was not given some of my regular antidepressant medication for 6 days. The experience left me worse than before. Traumatized. Triggered. Shaking.

My ex friend and business partner is building some sort of case against me. Probably around my mental illness. she has caused so much pain.

I call 988 to get help fighting my mind and the thoughts that I have nothing worth living for. I am about to lose everything and be homeless. I',m terrified. I just had major surgery a week ago on my right arm to shorten my ulnar bone. very painful. The guy on 988 suggests I go to the hospital. I explain what I've just been through less than a month ago. I will not subject myself to that again. he says he.'s making suggestions and I'm refusing and rejecting them. I hung up on him. I will not be calling 988 ever again.

I will fight with my mind and one of us will win. I have sought out help. It is not out there if you are poor and have no money.

I cry every day and feel very alone. I am literally very alone and in a lot of physical and emotional pain. I do not trust people.  I hurt so bad. It has been so difficult to type this with my left hand.

Thank you. At least I put the words on the page even if nobody replies.
Riley

[TheBigBlue]

Oh RileyH.

I read every word you wrote, and I wish I could do more than offer words in return.

I am so sorry for everything you are going through. The betrayal by someone you trusted, the fear of losing your livelihood and your home, the physical pain from surgery, and then being hurt further by the very places you turned to for help. It's an overwhelming amount for one person to carry, especially without anyone beside you.

What particularly struck me is how hard you have been trying to find help, even when each attempt seems to leave you feeling more alone and frightened. I hear you, and I believe you when you say how badly you are hurting.

I know you have had terrible experiences reaching out for crisis support, and I don't want to dismiss those experiences or suggest that the answer is simply to try the same thing again. I don't have a solution to offer, and I wish I did. But I'm really glad you put those words on the page and reached out to us.

I am worried about how much pain you are in, Riley. I hope you can share with your therapist just how desperate things have been feeling, including those frightening thoughts. You shouldn't have to carry all of this alone.

Your words have been read, and they matter. You matter. And you don't  go unheard here.

[NarcKiddo]

You have a lot to deal with and I'm sorry you are not getting help that actually - helps. It's such a shame. Wishing you well and I hope your ex friend and business partner backs off. That sounds like such a betrayal.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi RileyH,

Just wanted to check in and let you know I have been thinking about you. I hope things have become a little less overwhelming since you last posted.

No pressure to reply, especially while you are recovering from surgery. Just wanted you to know you are still in my thoughts.