Alters?

[Forestmistheather]

Hi,

So I asked about DID a little while back.  Now I guess I have another question, though I'm finding it hard to form exactly what it is I want to ask.  Over the past few weeks I've been having a really rough time of it.  I've gone from my usual 'numb' functioning state to 'totally suicidal' on at least 3 occasions.  And whilst I do have things going on, none of it is anything worse than usual.  It's just standard everyday stressful stuff.  But I got to thinking that maybe these aren't just simple 'mood swings'.  I've been through SO much therapy over the years, and none of it seems to resolve or even touch the underlying moods.  It's like that pain is cut off.  You begin to talk about stuff to do with it, and the shutters come down whether I want them to or not.  So I was thinking that maybe this was an alter.  My child self?  And the one that is regularly present is my protective self?  I have talked previously about a very very angry completely different version of me.  I'd probably associate that bit of me with being a teenager and stuff that happened around then.  So it's seeming like maybe there's 3 identities.  But can you slip fairly seemlessly between them (I seem to between the child and protector)?  And can you also switch almost instantanously (I seem to do this with the angry teenager)?  And how do you get them all working together?  Also, how do you get a diagnosis in the UK?  Thanks,

[Hope67]

Hi Forestmistheather,
I'm sorry to hear you've been having a really rough time in the past few weeks.  I really hope that you get some respite from that. 

You've asked a lot of important questions, and I'm sorry I can't address all of them. On the point about diagnosis in the UK: my understanding is that only a psychiatrist can make a formal diagnosis, so the typical first step would be contacting a GP and requesting a referral.

On a less formal basis, there are various people who write about internal parts of different inner states of being - I've found things written by Janina Fisher and also Richard Schwartz have been helpful.  I've certainly found what they've written has helped me.

Sending you some support. 

[NarcKiddo]

I have not sought, nor do I want, any formal diagnosis because I don't think it would make any difference to me. However my therapist and I work on the basis that I have 3 identifiable parts, adult NK, teenage NK and little NK. I worked first with little NK and she seems to be reasonably stable. I get unexpected child reactions from time to time but I can usually identify them while they are happening and take steps to reassure little NK. Teen NK has been more challenging because she is very fragile. Your comment about slipping between them, especially the angry teenager, resonates. I believe teen NK is reponsible for my dissociation and she has dissociated me in therapy a couple of times that I have actually noticed and tried to stop. With limited success. When teen NK is dysregulated things are really tough. I've been having some struggles recently so feel free to have a look at my recent journal entries if you wish.

I don't know how you get them all working together but the approach my therapist tends to take is that getting them working together is not so much the aim as reassuring younger parts that I am able to look after them. If I can get them to trust me then they can bring their emotions to me for help but not in such an all-consuming way. I have made good progress with little NK.

I have also found Janina Fisher to be helpful.

[Forestmistheather]

Thank you both for your comments.  I'll definitely look up the book.  I've had a couple of really unsettling days, and I'm not sure if it's because I'm actively thinking about and questioning the possibility of DID.  On Wednesday evening I went to poker.  Just for a change (we've had heatwave after heatwave recently) it was actually a chilly evening.  I didn't particularly want to, but before I left I opened the window so the cat could get in and out (it does have a cat flap, but it likes to jump up on the shed just outside the window ).  Anyway, as I said, it was a coolish evening and I wouldn't have even of opened the window if it wasn't for the cat.  I have an air con unit, but needless to say I was not about to turn that on.  But then when I came back from poker - there it was blowing away, switched on.  This wasn't something I'd just forgotten doing. I 100% did not turn it on.

Then Thursday and today I've been 'glitching'.  It's kinda like someone's playing music / DJ mixing decks in your head.  You jump or glitch for like a microsecond.  I presume I'm loosing a microsecond of time each time.  I've had this many times before.

Does any of this sound similar to your experiences?

[Blueberry]

But then when I came back from poker - there it was blowing away, switched on.  This wasn't something I'd just forgotten doing. I 100% did not turn it on.

I have experience with this type of thing. It's late, so I won't go into any details rn. Maybe tomorrow.

[Forestmistheather]

Thanks Blueberry

[NarcKiddo]

My understanding of dissociation is that it happens on a spectrum. It is entirely possible that the Aircon was switched on while an alter was in charge. I guess it might also be possible that the cat jumped on the switch, but I don't know how the unit works or where the cat has access. I would not personally think this one instance of the Aircon is confirmation of anything but good that you have made a note of it.

I have had very occasional instances where people tell me I did things that I would swear in a court of law I did not do.

I don't get glitching such as you describe. I always retain awareness of my physical surroundings and of time (I think) but I can completely lose memory of any conversation. The memory will linger for a minute or two after and then be gone. The memory, or parts of it, might come back later but I don't know if that is in connection with some other part wanting to make contact and bringing up its memory. That's a theory of mine but it's not fully formed.

The glitching sounds like it is disorienting. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

[Forestmistheather]

Thanks NK.  Yeah, I mean it could have been one of the cats in theory, but neither of them have ever show any interest in the air con (albeit I've only had it around 2 months).  But one of them was out and still not in when I got back (not to say he hadn't been in, but I usually only see him in passing when he comes in to eat).  The other one that I opened the window for was still in the same spot that I left him when I went out (albeit again he could have got up and then gone back to sleep in the same spot).  But who knows    Thanks for the reply.

[HannahOne]

Hey forestmistheather,I like your username. I wanted to echo what Hope 67 said, the work of Janina Fisher might be helpful to you specifically she has a new workbook out called Embracing our Fragmented Selves. This would be a good one to start with I think. She is one of the foremost trauma specialists and works in terms of "parts" so in terms of using the workbook, it doesn't matter if you have CPTSD with dissociation, or more higher levels of structural dissociation as in DID. I found her work really resonated with me and how I experience myself.

I wanted to odder that if it's triggering to keep thinking if you have DID, consider letting it go for now until you can find a therapist to help you sort it out? Whether you have DID or not, you're you, and you've survived this far, and you have resources at your disposal including you have curiosity about yourself, and care to learn more. You're not alone here.

In the meantime I wondered if it might be useful for you to read a bit about the levels of dissociation as explained by the theory of structural dissocation. It's just a theory, so who knows, but you could look it up if you like. In short the theory is that in PTSD, there is a "going on with normal life part" and an "emotional part" that carries the trauma. The person feels like one person, who has flashbacks to emotions. In CPTSD, there is a "going on with normal life part" and there may be many "emotional parts" that carry survival responses like rage/fight, freeze/dissociate, flight/dissociate, fawn/submit... The person may notice these parts/moods/survival states getting triggered and moving among these states/parts/moods and it doesn't feel like a choice when the states come on. So the sense of identity. may not be very stable and they may or may not feel like "one person." But there's a distinction between that and "alternate personalities."

In DID there is more than one "going on with normal life" part, and each of those parts have it's own emotional parts. The "going on with normal life parts" may or may not be aware of each other, ie you may or may not "lose time." There are specific scales that should be done to evaluate for DID, not just a therapist listening and guessing. One of those is the MID scale, or the DES-II. I would encourage you to see a psychologist or psychiatrist who will do these scales if you are concerned but I don't know how that works in the UK.

In this theory the line between secondary and tertiary dissociation (CPTSD vs DID) is a bit thin as you can see, seems to me it's a bit of a spectrum.