Why am I always scared when I want to start a particular job?

[shadowdays]

I was diagnosed with CPTSD in early 2025 and have been having a hard time navigating my way back to a social work career that was false-started twice. I got my Master's in Social Work in 2024 and felt ready to go out there and be a therapist. I've always been anxious, but I was excited about my new career path.

That summer, my partner's father passed away, and I was there to experience the whole thing from the time she found him to his final breath in the hospital. At that point, something shut off in me. I started to have flashbacks of that one night, so I sought help. I saw my therapist more and then sought EMDR. EMDR helped me through that life event. Still, I felt like something "broke" in me. So we dove into my childhood/teenage/racial trauma, being bullied, traumatic experiences with the Church, and much more. At some point during my time at EMDR, I thought I was ready to finally start my career.

Unfortunately, long story short, I tried twice, and in the first week, I quit without seeing clients. I sobbed every day, had SI, was severely depressed, had high anxiety, dissociated the entire time, and more. I was so scared... Like I was a child again. After the second time trying to work, I was hospitalized, then did 2 partial hospitalization stays to "stabilize" me. It was a blur after: not working, trying to find joy in life. I finally started working part-time jobs (e.g., tutoring students, music-related gigs). It gave me traction on my own self-esteem, direction in life, finding joy, and so on, BUT not with finances and bills. The program I tutored offered me a part-time social work position that paid well. As soon as we talked more about the position, the same feelings of 10/10 anxiety, intense fear, and somatic "holy crap I'm in danger" and "I'm a scared little child again" happened again. My sleep is starting to get affected, I'm more agitated, and my music-related jobs are not joyful again. Anhedonia is so real here...

Why is this happening again? I wanted to be a therapist, support marginalized folks, and be a social worker, but now the thought of it scares me to a point of dysfunction. I feel lost, purposeless, and like a piece of wasted life. I just need a hug so bad. I need that switch that broke or turned off to turn back on again so I can feel like myself... Have you been through this? Is there hope for someone like me? I want to feel less alone in this... Any support, shared experience, etc. would be helpful. Thank you in advance.

[Kizzie]

Hi shadowdays     There's a sentiment expressed here quite often that has to do with flying on an airplane that I think works quite well for what you're going through. If you've ever flown you'll know in the talk they give before you take off, they tell you that in the event of an emergency the O2 masks will drop from above and that you need to put yours on first before you help anyone else (e.g., your child).

It makes a lot of sense and it applies here IMO. Maybe instead of helping others now, you need to help yourself first? There are lots of articles about this, but here's one I found - https://www.collaborativemn.com/blog/2025/02/28/the-oxygen-mask-principle-why-putting-yourself-first-is-essential-to-caring-for-others/.

Once you're well on your way in recovery then maybe you can look at going back to Social Work or not -- there may be other better choices once you are grounded and stable. 

Hope this is helpful 

Kizzie