Hello, looking for others

[Farwalker]

Hello. Im just gonna get right into why I'm here.

Im 27 and I've been in therapy for a few years now which has let me say I have cptsd from physical abuse as a kid from my parents. I've accepted that.

But recently my mom had a cancer scare and decided it was time to try and cleanse her guilt. She reminded me of an "uncle" that she used to call a pedo and when I was sub 10 she told me I couldn't leave my 2 younger siblings alone with him when we were sent to spend the night at his place (I remember all of this). What was new information was when she called saying she just found out my younger sister was SA by him and asked if it happened to me too. I just cried and said "idk." Tbh this is something I've been questioning for years not cuz of explicit memories but cuz of the situation I was in. I really don't remember much before like 10 years old.

This just has me feeling so lost and confused. I feel like I need answers to determine just how mad and sad and emotional I should be.

I think im writing to you guys now to ask if anyone else has dealt with this kind of uncertainty and if so how you moved through it. I moved away from my family at 18 but somehow they're still affecting my whole life that I've worked so hard to build.

[Kizzie]

Hi Farwalker and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm 

I'm sorry to hear about the quandary you are in, not knowing is really difficult even if it served to protect you from difficult memories. I don't know if you are seeing a therapist but if not, finding one who does know about CPTSD/trauma might help you figure out what if anything happened to you when you were younger.

It may be that you are blocking memories still (because let's face it they are frightening), or no SA happened to you and you are just blocking most of life in that time period because there were things happening that were abusive or neglectful. Either way it would likely help to know from the sounds of it.

Kizzie



   

[NarcKiddo]

I feel like I need answers to determine just how mad and sad and emotional I should be.

Welcome. I am sorry you are having to deal with all of this and I am glad you found us.

The part of your post I have quoted stands out to me so much as part of CPTSD. Whether, and how, you might seek answers is totally up to you, but I would gently encourage you to allow yourself to feel every bit as mad and sad and emotional as you do. Whether that is a lot or a little, and however much it may change from day to day. Answers may determine how you should feel from a logical point of view, but emotions are not logical. They are what they are and you are completely entitled to have them and to experience them fully. This may be painful at times, which I'm afraid goes with the territory of emotions, but you do not need permission or justification to have them.

I have not personally had to deal with this level of uncertainty, but I am pretty sure my (mainly emotional) abuse started long before I could lay down memories so I do know something of how it feels to be unsure of one's history.

Wishing you all the best.

[zen_racer]

Welcome Farwalker.  I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time.  My abuse was a different nature, but there are a lot of gaps in my memory, and a little later in life, events happened that caused me to forget an entire year.  I have been getting those memories back now that I'm finally working on myself.  They were quite overwhelming at first.  It's been rough getting those memories back, but I'm finally feeling like I might be better off getting a chance to process them.

If you are working to try to get those memories back, I would urge you to be ready to be gentle with yourself and try to pace it so you don't get overwhelmed.  It might also help to have a plan for how to show yourself compassion.