Stopping a part from taking over

[NarcKiddo]

I've become way more attuned to my dissociative tendencies since joining the forum and reading about the subject. I've come to the conclusion that it is likely Teenage NK at the root of my dissociation, for various reasons.

I was just wondering if anyone has experienced a part trying to shut down a conversation and what that feels like? If I am alone and reading something bothersome (relating to CPTSD) I can feel myself trying to dissociate. Little NK is usually happy if I cuddle a toy and I can continue reading but if Teen NK is in on the act she will make me fall asleep, or will try to.

Some months ago Teen NK started trying to dissociate me from a therapy session. I noticed her trying to do it and told T. On that occasion Teen NK did actually manage to complete the job. I thought I was present and I was masking well because T did not question my presence and we finished the session. It was only afterwards when I realised I could not remember what had been said. I journal my appointments immediately afterwards and usually remember well.

Today Teen NK tried to dissociate me out again. Again I felt it happening and told T. This time I managed to stay present. There was not much time left of the session, about ten minutes, and we spent that time with me talking to T about what Teen NK was trying to do and what it felt like, which was so strange and weird. I've not had an active conflict with a part before, to my knowledge, and I was getting very spaced out. I noticed I was doing a lot of holding the back of my neck or running my hand through the back of my hair, trying to use physical activity to keep adult NK online. I did manage to stay online but it was really tough. We'd been discussing some difficult stuff and T had been asking me how I might support Little NK and Teen NK through things, and Teen NK DID NOT want to know.

[Blueberry]

I was just wondering if anyone has experienced a part trying to shut down a conversation and what that feels like? If I am alone and reading something bothersome (relating to CPTSD) I can feel myself trying to dissociate. Little NK is usually happy if I cuddle a toy and I can continue reading but if Teen NK is in on the act she will make me fall asleep, or will try to.

Sounds familiar, especially the falling asleep. But other strategies too. I think one or more Parts in me trying to shut down whatever still happens with more frequency than I want to know about...

I did manage to stay online but it was really tough. We'd been discussing some difficult stuff and T had been asking me how I might support Little NK and Teen NK through things, and Teen NK DID NOT want to know.

I don't know if this would work for you since IIRC you have a big need for agency and for NOT having anybody 'take over' briefly, but in the past some of my therapists have had dialogues with a Part of mine. Sometimes I have taken on the role of the Part, sometimes somebody else has done it. At these healing retreats I go to, we're a group, so that's why somebody else can be asked. In my experience, one important thing is to not blame or pathologise the Part. They had a reason for developing this mechanism whether it's falling asleep, going haywire internally, refusing to answer questions or whatever else. It has been helpful for me to try and get to know the Part first and to introduce them (if necessary) to my therapist. I explain in an age-appropriate way what the therapist's role is. You can ask if the Part needs anything from you, or from your T. One of my small Parts asked my OT: "How can I trust you?" to which he responded that that was a very relevant and good question. In my experience, this kind of dialogue can take up time (and a lot of emotional energy), so may take up a whole therapy session, tho mine are no longer apt to do so. I've got better at doing these dialogues, or doing them with a T.

Hope something in here might be helpful for you.

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you, Blueberry. That is helpful. I am scared of the idea of allowing a part to 'take over' and will talk to my T about that. Although yesterday I was conveying to my T that Teen NK wanted nothing to do with the therapy session, did not want to talk to her, and was simply waiting for the session to be over.

...........................

General notes for me as it is an easy to find place to gather notes for next session with T and may get lost in a journal. Plus it is a topic that other forum users might find useful. Any and all comments or thoughts are welcome.

T was making it clear that Teen NK is how she is for a reason and needs understanding, so that seems good and helpful. T pointed out that we often think teenagers are more mature and capable than they actually are, or pretend to be.

I woke up briefly in the night and it felt like Teen NK was there and she was being very hostile. It felt like she wanted to have a big argument with me and then it felt like she was openly threatening to take me over. Maybe she was angry that I thwarted her attempt to shut down the therapy session. I managed to get us all back to sleep fairly quickly, which I was grateful for.

There's clearly a lot to unpack with her. I had thought for quite a while that Teen NK tries to protect Little NK but yesterday I started getting the feeling that Teen NK is angry at Little NK and might use dissociation to shut her up. The concept of struggling, unhappy parts is one thing but if they dislike each other that's another thing entirely. I feel very apprehensive at having warring Littles to manage, but if that's what I've got then that's what I'll deal with.

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo,
I am very grateful to you for sharing your thoughts and asking this question, regarding parts.  I wanted to contribute something yesterday, but found I couldn't - however, it caused me to think quite a bit about it - and I am very grateful for that opportunity.

Anyway, similarly today I don't feel I can say much - BUT - I do remember that I said to my various parts that I appreciated all of them, but asked them to please be mindful that I was scared at the possibility of any one of them 'taking over' to 'drive my bus' (as I like to call it), and that whilst I appreciated them, I told them that I am in charge of this body and mind, and that I would like them to respect that.  I said I'd always pay attention to them, and listen to what they had to say to me (in whatever means they communicated that to me) but that they needed to trust me to be in charge, and that I needed them to do so.  (This wasn't in just one conversation of course, but it's just the gist of it). 

Also, I've been attempting to look at any communication (body pain, whatever it is) as a potential communication from a part, and over time, I definitely felt like they began to trust me.  I think a good example of how it worked out for me, was that stuff with the object I wanted to get rid of (an article of clothing that my M had given me) and how the part that hides things kept hiding it - and even on the occasion when I finally decided I might get rid of it, the part still hid it - but I was able to discuss with her and agreed it was okay to get that clothing and and get it out of the house.  Then I was able to find it. 

[Hope67]

Oh, and the bit that I found especially helpful was that I asked them to 'please never over-whelm me' - and I think they heeded that.

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you, Hope. That is really helpful. Actually your description of driving the bus, which I have seen you mention before, came to my mind earlier when I was thinking about this. I was particularly thinking that it's one thing if they are fighting in the back of the bus, but quite another if they are trying to drive it. It never occurred to me that I could maybe ask them to respect my role as the bus driver. I've been thinking that I am the one who has to make all of the accommodations without thinking that they can be asked to play a part, and that they might even want to.

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo,
Yes, I remember previously talking with my parts - and that once when I'd been about to sleep, that I'd said 'You can show me anything' and that the result hadn't been great, as I had felt overwhelmed by what happened in my sleep that night, so after that, I said 'I need you to be gentle with what you show me/tell me.  I don't want you to over-whelm me.  I want to be strong enough to support us all - and I want to drive the bus' (words to that effect).  I feel that they listened and they adjusted to that.  I still get over-whelmed sometimes, or caught off guard - but on those occasions I often realise that I rushed something, or did something without taking their thoughts and feelings into account. 

I remember that Janina Fisher's books speak a lot about asking parts to step back and give each other space - I know you mentioned that different parts can have different dynamics with each other, and don't necessarily appreciate each other's point of view. 

I think I remember Blueberry mentioning something in the past (sorry if I misquote this Blueberry) but I remember how she would suggest that Littles might want to play in a imaginary place and not necessarily participate in something going on in real life time.  I have used that strategy when visiting/doing something that I find stressful - and it has been effective. 

Actually that brought up the memory of when I was doing that stuff with the AI and printed off lots of helpful things, but then the printer wouldn't work, and I felt like a part took over my body (a very distressed and distraught part) - and I had a melt-down infront of my partner as a result.  Interesting - technology got in the way of being able to keep the reigns on that occasion, for sure.

[Blueberry]

Oh, and the bit that I found especially helpful was that I asked them to 'please never over-whelm me' - and I think they heeded that.

This, and all your posts on this thread are really helpful and thought-provoking, Hope. Thank you!

I think I remember Blueberry mentioning something in the past (sorry if I misquote this Blueberry) but I remember how she would suggest that Littles might want to play in a imaginary place and not necessarily participate in something going on in real life time. 

Yes, that was me. I have Inner Safe Places not just for my Adult of roughly today, but also for numerous Inner Children. My 6yo goes into a garden and potters about, my 11yo feels safe in a library, the 16yo dances wildly, some of the babies and some of the teens stay in bed etc. They can also go into these spots if you're working with just one Part on a particular memory e.g.

Thank you, Hope. That is really helpful. Actually your description of driving the bus, which I have seen you mention before, came to my mind earlier when I was thinking about this. I was particularly thinking that it's one thing if they are fighting in the back of the bus, but quite another if they are trying to drive it. It never occurred to me that I could maybe ask them to respect my role as the bus driver. I've been thinking that I am the one who has to make all of the accommodations without thinking that they can be asked to play a part, and that they might even want to.

I don't think I've ever considered asking them that before either, tho maybe it hasn't been so absolutely necessary because I was putting them in their safe places. But otoh when and if a new Part turns up, I don't have an Inner Safe Place yet for that Part, so asking her to respect my role could be really helpful in that case. I used to feel totally bowled over, almost paralysed, when a new Part cropped up, especially the Inner Teens.

There's clearly a lot to unpack with her. I had thought for quite a while that Teen NK tries to protect Little NK but yesterday I started getting the feeling that Teen NK is angry at Little NK and might use dissociation to shut her up. The concept of struggling, unhappy parts is one thing but if they dislike each other that's another thing entirely. I feel very apprehensive at having warring Littles to manage, but if that's what I've got then that's what I'll deal with.

I guess it could be both, that Teen NK maybe used to protect Little NK, but now for whatever reason she's angry at Little NK? Or jealous? Maybe thinks Little NK has it easier, gets on better with Adult you? Or it could be you have more than one Teen NK? I totally understand feeling apprehensive at warring Littles, or having additional Littles cropping up (tho you may not get additional Littles, maybe you just have your two and that will be it.) It's about hearing them and learning to manage them. In my experience, that is easier than with real live children. Maybe Teen NK would talk to you, if she won't talk to your T.

Sending hugs     and support to Adult you, I know it's hard.