Doing it yourself

[Alexandra]

Hello ; While I do realize that ,it is up to me to take responsibility, To deal with the results of the violence ,abuse, neglect,I suffered through , I also feel,angry that it is all ,up to me, I was in the abusive ,neglectful environment against my will , as a child I was trapped, child abuse is not only a family affair ,it is a societal  one ,as well, I waited desperately, for some one to notice, in my case my so-called mother was seeing a psychiatrist, who ignored the abuse ,I went to school, every day, the teachers ignored the abuse, when I cried as ,my so-called mother beat me, the downstairs neighbors, would bang their ceiling ,our floor, to get me to stop crying, my so-called mother would beat me more for crying. knowing  people, I am totally amazed at all of the attention and support they have received , while growing  up. I have to take pot luck, in getting to know people, there is no guarantee that they are caring people, who will treat put me well.  While I do appreciate, therapy,I feel angry that everything is up to me, I talk with her for 45 mins. then I just have to deal with the symptoms ,by myself .I feel that there should be organizations, that take people with CPTSD, into safe environments with caring people, to introduce us to the experience of a caring world, to let us know that society does care, after all we are a social species. I have not read any expert in the field, of C-PTSD, who does not put .all of the responsibility on the victim.

[Blueberry]

Hi Alexandra,

I wonder if it might be helpful for you to write a Recovery Letter, which has its own spot on the forum? That way you would be addressing whoever directly! Whether that's society as a whole, your so-called M, whoever came up with the idea of forced bussing... I used to write a lot on that part of the forum and got a lot of anger out. Very cathartic.

[Alexandra]

Hello Blueberry; Thank you for the suggestion, I had not noticed the write a recovery letter forum . I am happy that writing letters in this way helped you.In the past ,I tried ,two things, I wrote  such letters , by hand , and then tore  them up and throw them out, the issue for me is , the other never listens, talking to my so-called mother was like talking to a wall, the people who orchestrated forced bussing , never listened to any issues with it, what is the point ,the people involved will not listen , they are so sure of their being right ,it felt to me like such letters were a one way street, there is no dialogue possible.The other thing I tried was , I actually  wrote a letter and mailed it to the psychiatrist , who knew what was going on and did nothing, I never received a reply, I did the same with my so-called mother, she did not respond either. It feels to me like it is a letter into a void. I do appreciate your suggestion, thanks for the thought.

[Blueberry]

 

[NarcKiddo]

It is quite understandable that you feel anger about this, Alexandra. It might even be good that you feel the anger, because feeling it does at least give you an opportunity to process it. I am sure there were times when you simply had to stuff the anger down because it was too dangerous to let it out.

I have never bothered to engage in a dialogue with my M about the ways she failed me. In the past it was because I was frighted of her. Also because if she has any information about me, good or bad, it will be used against me at some point. Telling her my grievances simply gives her more information. Now I hope it is more from a position of radical acceptance. I know any dialogue with her is futile. I have seen enough attempts by others to reason with her, and the results of that. It never goes well for them - how on earth could I somehow be so special that she would behave differently towards me? She has made it clear I am not special to her, whatever she might say when she is trying to manipulate me.

Recovery letters may not be helpful to you, but you are completely correct that they are a one way street. The idea is that you communicate how you feel with the aim of getting the bad feelings out of you. The forum here is less of a one way street because others can read them and may even respond to them unless you make it clear you do not wish for a response. Your voice is being heard. Well done for trying the letter writing approach in the past - I'm sorry it did not feel right for you.

I agree that trying to heal feels very lonely at times. 

[Alexandra]

Hello NarcKiddo; Well, I took the plunge, and wrote a recovery letter, I picked one of the numerous cruelties, my so-called mother engaged in, so far ,I feel kind of sick, and quite tired.

[NarcKiddo]