Negative feedback loop between physical and emotional feelings.

[NarcKiddo]

I wanted to put this here rather than in my journal because I think it quite likely that others have experienced some sort of negative feedback loop, and I'd love to know if anyone has found a way to turn it into a positive one.

Long story short my lung issues are now causing me to be unable to walk outside for any distance. I have had transient wobbly feelings for years when walking. Saw the doctor but nothing really came of it and before the pneumonia I could get myself through by sheer force of will. AI has been really helpful in sorting through my symptoms. It seems clear that I have been at a tipping point for years and the pneumonia pushed me over it. I thought I was recovering reasonably well but now realise I was finding ways round things, or excuses for how I felt. Oh, I've just had a cold. Oh, it's raining so I'll take a taxi. Things have come to a head because my husband's knees are getting better and we are able to walk to some local restaurants. I cannot keep up with him. I get wobbly.

I am doing all the right things physically. I have got a new inhaler which seems to be helping. I have got trekking poles so I feel steadier on a walk. I have established a baseline pace at which I don't generally get wobbly. I'm confident I understand the physical issues that are causing my problem and that repeated walks at a sustainable pace will help me build endurance, especially now I have a more suitable inhaler.

But when you're working on the edge of what you can do it takes very little to push you over. And once I'm over it is almost impossible to get back to equilibrium. I can sit on a bench, feel fine, stand and - the wobbles are back. I can't really go much slower or I'd be walking backwards! My walks are not nice if I tip over the edge. They're scary.

I can deal with scary. I've dealt with it all my life. Fight/flight. Adrenaline pumping. And herein comes the negative feedback loop.

Today I got tipped over the edge at the start of my walk. I have to cross a road that is not busy or wide but it has bends and drivers go too fast. Visibility is limited. I know the safe places to cross. But today someone was going WAY too fast and I was in the middle of the road. It was only a few steps of rushing, but that was it. Entire walk ruined. I did it anyway for my data gathering. It would take a 'normal' person around 15 minutes max. It usually takes me 30. Today it took 45.

As I was nearing home I found Little NK was with me because I started feeling intense shame that I can't even go for a walk. I worried someone would make fun of me for having my sticks. I found myself talking to Little NK actually out loud, telling her she was good and we were doing well. That we were nearly home but that we must not hurry because that would make us feel even more wobbly and then we might actually fall down. I realised Little NK was scared partly because M would not have allowed Little NK to go for a walk if she might feel wobbly. It would be too dangerous. No risk must be taken because M would have to take me to the doctor if I had an accident. By undertaking these walks I am putting Little NK in danger of M's wrath. Of course I'm not, but the actual physical feedback is feeding into my emotional state and vice versa. Round and round.

I'm going to keep doing the walks. Feel the fear and do it anyway. It's what I've always done and I am hopeful that gradually the physical feelings will improve. Then the emotional ones should too.

Does anyone relate?

[Marcine]

NK, I just found your post and yes, I very much relate on many levels. Oh let me list the ways...

- "...I could get myself through by sheer force of will."

I am unfortunately very familiar with this mode of operating. It used to feel to me like nonstop running to keep the kite aloft on a windless day. Sure, I thought, I can keep this up 24/7/365.

- "It seems clear that I have been at a tipping point for years"

Very relatable. I thought life had to be like that — teetering on an edge and thinking that was normal, working to earn love, denying my own comfort, expecting to never know acceptance, believing ease was too much to ask for.

- "...now realise I was finding ways round things, or excuses for how I felt"

I had to keep up the illusion until I was ready to lift the veil and face the truth that the way I'd been going wasn't sustainable and never really worked...

- trekking poles are excellent! And anyone who makes fun of them is surely just jealous that you know what's what and how to take care of yourself.

- "But when you're working on the edge of what you can do it takes very little to push you over."

Again, sigh, very relatable NK. That's a massive, steep drop off just a step away. To live at that edge for any significant time at all is, I've found, stressful and requires huge effort and vigilance. And is certainly no fun, literally.

- careless, speeding drivers with little regard for pedestrians is no joke. That pisses me off too! I think because it feels like bullying— the asymmetrical power of a big, moving, metal object with the driver hiding in anonymity and me as pedestrian, much more vulnerable... and then being forced to hustle across the road to avoid being hit?!? NK... (imagine me making the gesture of an angry mafioso pounding one fist into the palm of the other hand)

- then I felt admiration and tenderness for how you stayed connected with little you. "I found myself talking to Little NK actually out loud, telling her she was good and we were doing well."

I was touched by your ability to stay connected with yourself even with shame haunting around and you bringing such honesty and self-compassion. My eyes got moist reading what you wrote.

- "By undertaking these walks I am putting Little NK in danger of M's wrath."

I completely relate to this, NK. Even as you intellectually know that you are not doing that, as you said, you also are able to deeply feel the old reality flashing back, broadcasting onto your present. And your body responds to the old, familiar threat pattern.

- it continues to amaze me and dismay me how deep and wide are the impacts on the body from childhood trauma, fear/terror/dread, and the seismic aftershocks of chronic stress.

- I firmly believe that your evident self-compassion, clarity, protectiveness toward your inner self, determination, and dedication to squaring up with what is true and real—- is all good medicine. Is all strong and right.
That you are on the authentic path for you.

Thank you for writing and sharing. I am inspired and uplifted. I feel less alone and I truly hope you do too.

You opened up the question of how to alchemize a positive feedback loop between physical and emotional feelings... this is such an interesting question.

My 2cents worth— Everything changed for me as I backed away from the steep edge, dropping the kite string, and feeling the jitters take over from the shock. And realizing I had been putting myself in danger for way too long, that it wasn't all my fault, and that I didn't want to do that anymore. That I would absolutely not do that to myself ever again.

That seemingly small (actually radical and monumental) action set a whole new cascade of positive feedback flowing in me.

Free from the environment of stress and distortion of having to live at the danger-edge, I could thaw out and reconnect with my body and feelings. No surprise, there was a stiff price waiting for me to pay— nine years ago in the form of a cancer diagnosis and migraines.

That debt is almost entirely paid off. I consider that I own myself free and clear.

I feel healthier than ever now. I see and feel with much less distortion. My body is less stressed and small upticks in cortisol get my attention almost immediately. I practice relaxing and coming back to grounded baseline breathing, taking action as needed from that place.

So I guess the path forward for me is to continue the adventure of staying connected with my feelings, my body, my present moment, and responding to life around me.

Ruptures still happen. Stress sneaks up and pounces. But I feel more free living away from the teetering edge and I am sure my body thanks me, as strange and unfamiliar as it still feels sometimes.

NK, again thank you for sharing what you wrote. Maybe others will share their perspectives.

With love and respect,
Marcine

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you, Marcine. Your empathic and thoughtful reply means so much. I read it just before a visit to FOO which also entailed a long walk back home from the train station. So a double whammy of stress. But I got through it all and actually the walk back home was a success. I took my poles and I walked at the pace I needed to and it took the time it took and I refused to get worried about that. I've had two sessions now with T discussing the walk issues and where they feel at their worst.

What you said about small upticks in cortisol getting your immediate attention is so relevant to me. I've started paying much more attention to that too, and it really helps.

I'm glad you backed away from the steep edge. I'm trying to do that too. Why should I tolerate being scared and wobbly? Feel the fear and do it anyway is all very well, and sometimes necessary - but what if I don't have to feel the fear?

[Kizzie]

Oh dear Narc Kiddo, I am so sorry to hear you are struggling with your health in this way! Poor little NK and adult you - 

I only have experience with the effects of chemo some years back that sounds emotionally like what you are dealing with. People told me I would be tired while in treatment but I did not realize I would be exhausted. I kept working part-time (bad idea) and pushing myself ("sheer force of will"), even though by the time I left work I could barely function. It was me telling me I should be able to push through. It was only after I finished treatment that I realized how badly the chemo had impacted me and how hard I was being on myself. I have carried that forward because it was a bit of an extreme message I had to figure out. I do NOT need to have these expectations of myself, they are from the past and it's OK to feel some fear about my health rather than about being vulnerable. That's the extra bit we get from being trauma survivors (i.e., I can't let anyone know I'm struggling because they will hurt me or take advantage).

I think seeing that we are doing this is half the problem. Knowing why is another part of it too. You seem to be figuring this out and even though unlearning old responses is hard it sounds like you are well underway.