Wanting to be human

[Alexandra]

Hello ; I have been thinking about my not, wanting to be a human being, I used to feel very guilty about it, not now, I realize that ,I made that choice because of all of the violence I was being subjected to, the incident when I made the choice not to want to be a human being any more  was when I was 13 , I was desperately lonely, I brought a stray cat home, my so-called mother said I could keep the cat for week, and then she would say whether or not I could keep it,after a week,  my so-called mother put the cat in a cloth laundry bag, and told me to put the  cat out on the street and not to come back until I had done so, I walked the streets for hours crying, I had no place to go, I had no choice except to put leave the cat on the street ,I was only 13 , it was as I walked the streets that I decided  ,to not want to be a human being. I have now decided to change my mind, while I do have to live with that past, I will never be in that position again, also I was 13 ,I am an adult, which gives me more resources, to deal with what happened . I find my choice to want to be a human being again, somewhat scary, however, it also makes me feel better. Do you folks also struggle with no wanting to be a human being? , what choices have you made ? Thank you

[Senghi]

Dear Alexandra,

Thank you for sharing, it must be horrible to think back and feel the pain of it, and knowing that it has actually happened in real life. I am so sorry that happened to you and your sweet innocent cat. It makes sense that you decided to not want to be human anymore, if human means having to live the life that you did. To me it sounds like some kind of dissociation? What did it look like for you all those years after the decision? I can imagine it was some kind of super power you needed to be able to breathe and get through the day.

What a brave and loving thing to decide you want to be a human being again.

I made my own super power as a child; not to have any boundaries at all. So no-one could cross them again. I am learning that as an adult, i don't need my super power anymore.

Super powers are magical and it is incredible how strong they have made us, to be able to live day in day out in places other people would not even want to really look at because it is too painfull to witness.

That's why super powers come with a very high price, and it was a good thing you paid that price, you had no choice. What a relief to know that you are strong enough to slowly let go of it, and start wanting to be human again.

I don't know if any of this relates to your feelings, but it is what resonated in me when i was reading your post...

[Alexandra]

Hello Senghi; Thank you for your comforting and supportive post. I do believe it is disassociation , on the one hand, what I was ,was a human being, however, it was not who I was, because, there was nothing for me to relate to,my so-called mother and I were total strangers ,I lived an isolated life , I did not have any personal conversations with anyone, until after I escaped ,as an adult ,and all that violence and cruelty, is nothing I would ever do, it was indescribably painful,to, live with, having feelings was ,a huge disadvantage , I had to put them on hold ,as they got in the way ,I lived like  a machine
I put one foot in front of the other I protected, myself, as you did , by hiding who I was , keeping that part of me separate , I also had hope, one day I will escape, the POW camp, which I did. You are right, it takes super powers , we have to be so strong ,to survive in that type of environment, it also takes a lot of courage, which you have  .I believe, that C-PTSD, is both the result of having to put all though years of feelings  on hold to survive, cope ,and handle ,for me, that huge bill came due  later, for all those repressed feelings , still have to be dealt  with ,and C-PTSD is also the result of all the damage done by , all that violence. After all like it or not, wanting to be a human being or not  or not, a human being is who I am ,it is my identity ,so it makes sense to me to do my best to  feel safe enough to , embrace the truth.You have both my sympathy and understanding on the road , in dealing with what you are dealing with.