Negative feedback loop between physical and emotional feelings.

[NarcKiddo]

I wanted to put this here rather than in my journal because I think it quite likely that others have experienced some sort of negative feedback loop, and I'd love to know if anyone has found a way to turn it into a positive one.

Long story short my lung issues are now causing me to be unable to walk outside for any distance. I have had transient wobbly feelings for years when walking. Saw the doctor but nothing really came of it and before the pneumonia I could get myself through by sheer force of will. AI has been really helpful in sorting through my symptoms. It seems clear that I have been at a tipping point for years and the pneumonia pushed me over it. I thought I was recovering reasonably well but now realise I was finding ways round things, or excuses for how I felt. Oh, I've just had a cold. Oh, it's raining so I'll take a taxi. Things have come to a head because my husband's knees are getting better and we are able to walk to some local restaurants. I cannot keep up with him. I get wobbly.

I am doing all the right things physically. I have got a new inhaler which seems to be helping. I have got trekking poles so I feel steadier on a walk. I have established a baseline pace at which I don't generally get wobbly. I'm confident I understand the physical issues that are causing my problem and that repeated walks at a sustainable pace will help me build endurance, especially now I have a more suitable inhaler.

But when you're working on the edge of what you can do it takes very little to push you over. And once I'm over it is almost impossible to get back to equilibrium. I can sit on a bench, feel fine, stand and - the wobbles are back. I can't really go much slower or I'd be walking backwards! My walks are not nice if I tip over the edge. They're scary.

I can deal with scary. I've dealt with it all my life. Fight/flight. Adrenaline pumping. And herein comes the negative feedback loop.

Today I got tipped over the edge at the start of my walk. I have to cross a road that is not busy or wide but it has bends and drivers go too fast. Visibility is limited. I know the safe places to cross. But today someone was going WAY too fast and I was in the middle of the road. It was only a few steps of rushing, but that was it. Entire walk ruined. I did it anyway for my data gathering. It would take a 'normal' person around 15 minutes max. It usually takes me 30. Today it took 45.

As I was nearing home I found Little NK was with me because I started feeling intense shame that I can't even go for a walk. I worried someone would make fun of me for having my sticks. I found myself talking to Little NK actually out loud, telling her she was good and we were doing well. That we were nearly home but that we must not hurry because that would make us feel even more wobbly and then we might actually fall down. I realised Little NK was scared partly because M would not have allowed Little NK to go for a walk if she might feel wobbly. It would be too dangerous. No risk must be taken because M would have to take me to the doctor if I had an accident. By undertaking these walks I am putting Little NK in danger of M's wrath. Of course I'm not, but the actual physical feedback is feeding into my emotional state and vice versa. Round and round.

I'm going to keep doing the walks. Feel the fear and do it anyway. It's what I've always done and I am hopeful that gradually the physical feelings will improve. Then the emotional ones should too.

Does anyone relate?