I want to share

[Dirge1587]

They say that the lack of neurosis is when you're as transparent as a glass. I wish I could share everything. But it's so hard to put this all in words, especially when you've made all the way through this by yourself. It's been such a long road. Of course, I reached out for the help. Religion. Psychotherapy. Eventually, I realized that these have a lot of things in common. Same desire to "teach" you how to live. Same rationalisation of the things that do not need to be rationalized and attempts to put your soul into tight frames of some "higher" theory they believe to be the "salvation". As a person, who started speaking in full sentences at the age of 1, reading at the age of 4 and writing stories at the age of 6, as a person who overtook the school curriculum while being sick at home, I don't think I have issues with my cognitive or rational brain. But still I am dying sometimes. My body hurts. I realized I had something that they call "Internal family systems" long before they even started to speak about CPTSD on an official level. And yes, the only "realization" (I mean the cognitive understanding of what's going on with you) is obviously NOT enough. You can understand everything about where it comes from and how it has developed in you, but for the hurt part it's... just an information. It's good to understand. But healing is about something else. In simple terms, it's about love. And nothing else. It's about feeding yourself something you've been deprived of. I realized this long time ago. I also realized that what hurts in me is directly linked to my body and that to be able to feel good I need to start with the body. Many years ago when I tried "therapy", they all spoke so many smart words. They tried to "teach" me what I already knew. But it didn't help. The only thing that helped was kindness to myself (like if I was about to show this kindness to a good friend or someone I truly love, or a little baby) AND body relaxation. The combination of these 2 things makes a miracle that none of the therapists could do. It may help you to restore quite quickly (provided that you consciously develop this relaxation "skill"). In my case, it's very important, because I am quite active, curious about the life and open to the world. But I need inner support to explore things and move further. This relaxation skill and self-compassion in the midst of all those external demands helped me to travel the world and graduate from the university.
But unfortunatelly, my trauma goes in "cycles". Most of the time I try to keep the balance: knowing my vulnerabilities (they call them "triggers", right?), knowing that nothing helps as much as self-compassion and satisfying your needs (yes, in my case going out of the safety zone is important because I am curious about the external world), I consciously do my little things to keep me balanced. Some time ago I developed a bedtime ritual: I literally stepped down inside of me and allow "it" (that part that always hurts) to speak. There were no words. It was some sort of an interaction. It was so nice just to feel your body in a relaxed state. There's nothing better than this. Just to watch your belly goes up and down without thinking. Just to see my body so relaxed.
Many years ago when I reached out to the therapists, I tried to explain to them that all I need is this feeling of relaxation, but they kept on talking and teaching me things I'd already knew.
My "vicious" cycle starts with an intrusive thought that always plays on my moral. This thought argues everything I have learned about me and the things that really help me. It's kind of a self-sabotage. So, despite all my enormous life experience and all my insights, there comes a tiny thought that always challenges what I truly enjoy and makes me argue to prove that I have the right to do what I like to do. Sort of an OCD stuff.
So, I am here in my "relapse" phase now. Usually, I tried not to buy into these intrusive prohibitive thoughts, but this time... I failed. This endless fight has drawn all the energy from me, and now I am empty. My body hurts as *. This is sort of a great "doubt". I doubt in everything now. Even in things that used to help me before. The latest therapist only made me focus more on my intrusive thoughts to find out what it is about. Analysis, analysis... it drives me crazy.
I know where the roots are. If, being a child, I knew that my mother would decide to turn me into "something to be proud of", I would never reveal my "talents". I'd better pretend to be an idiot. Maybe, in this case, I wouldn't develop such a fear towards my own needs and desires. Maybe, in this case, I would be allowed to live freely. I know the past. Add to this the fact that I was born in one of the Sovietic republics shortly before the "collapse" of the empire. Stories about brutal murders and other awful things appeared in the newspapers every day. I read them because I could. That time they also showed all kind of creepy stuff on TV at any time of the day without any censorship. They showed dead bodies and killings on the news. I saw it. I also saw a dead body in the river when I was 3. Murders, unemployment, organized crime, constant blackouts when we had to spend evenings with a candlelight etc. But the worst thing were constant fights between my parents. And their subsequent methods of bringing me up.
This latest "relapse" was due to all this Russia and Ukraine war stuff. I came to Russia at the age of 10, being a person of a mixed Russian-Ukrainian origin. I was bullied for being different in Russia. In 2022, when I lived abroad, I was bullied by the entire world for "being Russian". What an irony. Next time, what? I am bullied because I have white hair and blue eyes? Because I am a woman? Because I don't like coffee in the mornings? Always, the same stuff everywhere. People do a lot of harm. But nevertheless I am still drawn to them. I am curious about them. But I am isolated now in my personal *. That's why I am writing here. Maybe.
I know everything. But this knowing does not help. I want to open up and feel the freedom again, but I am self-sabotaging, and I don't know why and what to do. Talk therapy won't help. None type of rationalization will help because what hurts deeply inside of me has nothing to do with the logics. The latest therapist made me focus even more on my intrusive thoughts "to find out" and "fix". I am tired of "finding out". I am tired of "fixing". I used to be extraverted and happy. My dad convinced me that I am meaningless piece of * if I don't achieve "something in life".
I just want to be happy. I don't want my body be so tensed all the time. That's it. Nothing more.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. My family spent some time in Russia in my early teens, during the 1980s and it was a very strange environment for me. I can well see how your environment added extra layers of distress over and above the immediate effects of your family life.

I'm sorry you have not found therapy to be helpful. There are so many different types available now, but not many that are truly geared towards the type of trauma we have to deal with. Many people here have commented about how hard they had to work to find something that helped even a little bit. I know that's not exactly helpful, except maybe to show you that people here will at least 'get it'.

[Dirge1587]

Thanks for support anyway. There's nothing new for me in finding the "way out" again by myself.
But it's good to know that the thing I've been bearing inside so many years seems to have a name.
It's one thing to survive and understand that the violence is the violence. But the hardest part is to talk down my inner executioner. It's not about parents anymore, but the "heritage" they've left is enormously heavy.
If * exists, I know where it starts. It starts from a tiny thing. From one small misunderstanding. Just because I desperately tried to figure out "what to say" and "what not to say" in public, my father decided that I was "troubled" because I kept silent. When a group of male teenagers bullied me for more than a year, my father blamed me for being such a... So,  I've spent half of my life trying to prove him that I am not a "spineless person". That I am not "sociophobic", "shy" etc. Half of my life I have lived with a feeling that I am "bad" and that I have to hide my "wrongness" from everyone, including even myself. Too late I realized that I didn't have to. That I could be the most meaningless person in the world without feeling guilty. I am female but I´ve spent half of my life in a "soldier" skin. No wonder I cannot conceive.
Despite that I realize all the manipulative * they have sent me through, despite that I know I can be "shy" and "weak" if I want, I still feel enormous tension in the body. It feels like... I am punishing myself. That's why I have these "prohibitive" moral-based OCD episodes. I am kind of torturing myself to the point where I cannot afford it anymore. And then I get the "relief".
I want to find the light again. I need to forgive myself for "wrongness" deeply inside. Bullies are bullies. But it's me who's actually punishing myself.
Anyway... I'm glad people have started to bring this whole thing to the light. It helps to speak out.
Thank you.

[Kizzie]

It's nice that you have one another Dirge and Teddy Bear, we don't have many from Russia here. I suspect it will be good to have one another to talk to given your health system is quite different and from the sounds of it not very patient friendly. And of course you have all of us to talk with about CPTSD. 

BTW, your English is quite good both of you.