New here - I want to acknowledge to myself how difficult this is

[Dougm]

Hi all,

Thank-you for this free, impartial and non-judgemental website and forum. I want to join to have a place to talk openly about myself, to learn to express myself, and hopefully receive some encouragement and feedback.

My first post is to introduce myself, but also to acknowledge to myself that trauma affects me every day. I want to say to myself, this is me, this is what I must consider to acknowledge my daily struggles. Because, for some reason, it is so easy to pretend that I dont struggle, or I am not hurting.

I am a 49yr old man, I live in the UK and am studying towards a PhD in conservation and ecology. This PhD in and work in academia is something I have wanted to do since I left undergrad university in 1996, aged 20. But at that time I developed a psychosis (it was called schizoaffective disorder or schizophrenia) that became quite debilitating and I was deteriorating in terms of my general functioning. I did not hear voices or believe I was someone I was not, but I had severe thought disorders. I would describe my mind as haywire, it was packed full with continuous racing thoughts (many negative ones about myself). But when I would try to describe my thoughts, my mind would go completely blank. It felt like a trapdoor opened in my mind, into which the thoughts disappeared. Emotionally I was in a permanent panic mode, like a deer in the headlights, 24 hours a day, and getting worse by the day.

In 1997 I was put on risperidone, an anti-psychotic medication. It seemed to really work for me at the time,  it drew me out of the psychosis and my racing thoughts subsided. I felt like myself again. However I was only just beginning to learn about myself. The medication only functioned in stabilising my thoughts. It of course did not address the underlying causes of the psychosis, of which I knew absolutely nothing about at the time, thinking I grew up in a totally normal and loving family.

Over the years I worked as a waiter, a teaching assistant and then in the pharmaceutical industry. I stopped taking risperidone in 2010 and have not needed it since. I had some good therapy that helped me understand the causes of my psychosis.

It has taken me 27 years to get to the point where I can do the thing I love, however I am still finding it so difficult. I'm regularly paralysed with fear at my desk. I struggle to ask for help. I struggle to interact with my peers (most of whom are half my age) and I am incredibly lonely throughout it all. There are lots of positives in some of the relationships I am slowly building, but it is a long and slow process.

This is about seeing myself as a person whose personal development, personal relationships and sense of identity has been impaired and stunted due to simple and seemingly innocuous neglect during childhood. But it childhood neglect is far from innocuous. I want to post more about my upbringing next.

Thanks for reading this.

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, Doug, and welcome from another UK resident.

Childhood neglect is certainly not innocuous. I'm glad you have had some good therapy and are getting to grips with the cause of your suffering. I'm also glad you are now able to study for your PhD and I hope membership of this forum might help you as you navigate the difficulties you are facing.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm Doug    Great to hear you had some good therapy and you've gotten to a point where you can work on your CPTSD symptoms. That's some good recovery you've accomplished!

I'm glad you found us and I hope OOTS will be of help to you. Many of us find we feel like we belong here unlike often feeling a bit alien or different around non-survivors as you've said you do.

I suspect/hope as you read and post you'll be able to focus in on the symptoms you still struggle with. It is difficult as you say but having others in your corner can really help.

 


 

[Dougm]

Hello, thank-you for your lovely replies. Like others I have read on here I am not quite sure yet how to reply. But your replies and recognition have meant something. You are right that I am also looking for understanding and support, and to feel seen just a little bit. It gives hope to the possibility of opening up in real life with someone.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Doug, welcome 
I'm really glad you found your way here.
Naming that trauma affects you every day - especially when you've spent so long pushing through and functioning - takes a lot of courage. And it makes sense that neglect, even when it looked "innocuous" from the outside, could have such deep and lasting effects.

It also really stands out that you kept going: working, learning, finding therapy that helped, and eventually returning to something you loved to pursue a PhD. That doesn't erase how hard it still is - the fear, the paralysis, the loneliness - but it does say something real about your resilience.

I'm glad you're here, and I hope this can be a place where you don't have to pretend you're not struggling.
 
(if that's ok)