hello everyone, TW: CSA, academic abuse

[freneticmango]

well, this feels awkward already haha. i guess i will try to give a really brief summary of my journey to where i find myself today. i am the result of an inappropriate grooming relationship, my mom was 16 when she married my 28 year old alcoholic father. i was born 3 years later, and they split while i was still in diapers. my mom was in no place to be a parent, she drug me through 3 more marriages to abusive men who perpetrated things on her and me throughout my childhood. they moved so often due to their own drama that i attended 6 different middle schools. she is still married to the last one i think. my father's father was a chronic perpetrator of CSA, and as an adult i realized my father likely knew, but still handed me over to his parents on weekends i was with him. at 11 years old i disclosed the abuse, and my father's side of the family basically never spoke to me again.

i managed to perform well enough academically most of my life because i made school my identity, and was able to get admitted to college and graduate programs. i ended up in an extremely toxic graduate program and was neglected and abused out of it. i moved cross country to try another, with even worse results. there was neglect, sexual harassment, public verbal assault and exploitation. both programs were phd programs, but i left the first with just a masters and the second refused to confer my master's even though i completed it. the work i did in both programs fed my soul and i loved it, but i could not function in the environments i had to be in to do the work. during this time i started therapy and cut off my parents. first my father, then later my mother as i came to realize that she was also highly neglectful and abusive. this whole process ate about 9 years of my life.

now, i have been unemployed with no family in the new city i moved to for 2 years. i feel an extreme sense of isolation and like i do not belong or deserve to be in community with other people in my field. i know that i am not special, and that the situation in the united states is treating everyone poorly right now, but every rejection or barrier triggers me to abandonment and shame. even volunteering my time has been a gauntlet of rejection. i know i need to be brave and keep trying to build community, but it is so hard to take care of myself when my emotional reactions are so intense and debilitating. new groups of people feel terrifying. i also feel 'dramatic' or 'oversensitive' when i have these reactions, which i know compounds them. this is compounded by ADHD symptoms that i believe are actually CPTSD related. i imagine y'all know what that is like. 

so, i would like to try to build some community here with other people who understand what i'm going through. my world has gotten so small as i have refused to continue to be abused, but i know there must be community out there that will honor my humanity instead of just taking from me. i will say that i am fortunate to have a loving partner who has been willing to support me through these experiences and i am forever grateful to him. thank you for this forum.

[Blueberry]

A warm welcome to the forum, freneticmango

I'm pretty dysregulated today, so can't manage to write anything else.

[gcj07a]

Freneticmango, welcome!

I am so, so sorry you had to go through all that you did. And that you are still dealing with the repercussions.

i feel an extreme sense of isolation and like i do not belong or deserve to be in community with other people in my field. i know that i am not special, and that the situation in the united states is treating everyone poorly right now,

I just don't believe this is true. There is no way that you don't deserve community. Humans were made for connection. Like you, I had plenty of violations that turned me off to community. But it is not about what you deserve! And, just so you know, you ARE special! You are the only you there is!

We are here for you. For all of it.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. You have really had a dreadful time of it, since forever, and I am so happy to read that you have a loving partner.

Yes, we all know about emotional reactions, followed by self-shaming for being "dramatic". It is really hard. It's important that you come to terms with the fact that it is really hard, so that you can give yourself the grace you deserve. Yes, we all have to be brave. But you know, you actually *are* brave already. Just living the day to day, experiencing what you have experienced, and pushing onwards. Of course you should have goals, and building community is important, but don't beat yourself up if you need to take this slowly, at your own pace, until you learn how and who you can trust.

[Hope67]

Welcome