You've been through so much. I'm here for you.

[wooboyattachmenttrauma]

Hi everyone,

I am here after taking this tender self-compassion break: https://self-compassion.org/practices/tender-self-compassion-break-2/

I find it so much easier to be there for imaginary others who may have CPTSD than with myself. My therapy that I had come to rely on is in a really rocky place, just unavoidable interferences co-inciding in both my life and that of my T's, and I feel just constantly awful, can't seem to calm myself. I feel ashamed about how incessantly needy and angry I have been to the therapist--I have been this way before. Nothing makes me feel worse about myself than the person I am in therapy. I'm usually a good person to be around! (I just never share my serious disability--CPTSD--and its frequent flareups though).

Anyway, so I am here as a way to connect with others and try to find ways of coping with CPTSD that aren't just dependent on whether my therapy is going smoothly. I am in mid-life and have been working on healing from CPTSD for over a decade now; working on my PTSD for over two decades. I grew up in a large abusive family with a strong focus on appearing stable and normal. I guess I'm still pretty good at seeming to function well while feeling horrible inside. I started out in therapy because I survived an MPSA as a teenager, and in my young adulthood I started wanting to share that horrific experience. And slowly over time, including very recently, I have come to realize the extent to which I was abused in my home. It's still hard for me to accept, but I do think I survived sadistic CSA throughout my childhood, starting in infancy. I was abused by my dad and by an adult sibling. I don't talk about it much at all outside of my therapy and with my partner, yet right now at my stage of healing the effects of the trauma dominates much of my (seemingly functioning!) life.

Thankfully I have ceased all contact with all members of my family of origin, permanently now. I am happy to talk about that process, it would be a relief. I struggle with a lot of physical body memories. I can't look in the mirror. I am working on taking care of myself to the extent that I need to keep myself regulated. Routines help. Taking breaks like the one I shared above helps. Yoga helps. Speaking to my "parts" helps. Being with my kids and partner help. My dog helps. Pete Walker's 13 steps helps. Turning to literally any page in Judith Herman helps. I could always use reminders to do the things that help. Giving compassion to you for all you've been through helps.

My apologies if this is too long! Thank you for reading and holding this space.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. Your post is not at all too long.

I'm sorry your therapy is in a difficult place right now. I hope you can be kind to yourself about your reactions to the therapist. And I hope that you and they can find a way to work through this period and get onto a smoother part of the healing path.

[wooboyattachmenttrauma]

Thank you so much

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS WooBoy  I may not have read your post correctly but I did think to myself that not masking yourself as much with your T may actually be a good thing.  I say that because you have shown more of the real you to them and that's not a bad thing.

Now if I have misinterpreted what you've talked about it may be that you and your T are not a good fit and it's better for you if you look for another T.  Most T's will give you a 15 minute consult so you can shop around.  We have lists of T databases her if that's the case - https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=106.0

Compassionate breaks are lovely, they let us take a breath and calm. Trauma recovery work is just that, work and can take a lot out of us. Knowing when you need a break and being ok with that is a recovery strategy so good on you!