My relationship with depression

[Rizzo]

I don't feel free. something is missing, something sad. This world is hard.. it's hard to live here.
Everything is so complicated... I don't know if I want to live here anymore. Everything is black to me.
So bleak and fuzzy. I have no idea what would help. This is a never ending war. I didn't choose it, I don't want it. I don't want to breathe anymore.. I'm just fed up.. I can't deny it anymore.
On the one hand, all I want is to be alone.. and on the other hand, I can't be alone now.
I don't know what can help. I'm broken.. Broken into small pieces that cannot be collected anymore.
I'm that tiny piece under the couch that's been there for years and no one even knows it's there .I have no power.
Each step is three kilometers, every breath is a breath after a two-hour run. Every sadness is a sea of endless tears.
And loneliness.. loneliness is cruel.
One who has no mercy, is poisonous. I'm full of black and disgusting liquid.
I'll never be the same person again. forever. I was meant to live like this, this will be my life until the end.
I'm tired just thinking about all of it, and that's only part of it.
I have no strength for life's problems, for the "nonsense" of everyday life.
For the most simple things, and the most shocking moments. I just don't have the strength.
Sometimes death feels like a good solution. My desire is to go to sleep and never get up again.
There is no escape.

[Kizzie]

I have no doubt a lot of us have been through this deep depression Rizzo, I know I have. I'm so sorry you're going through it right now and I suspect advice or suggestions are the last thing you want/need right now. Caring people to listen and give what comfort they can was what I wanted so I am sending that to you. I do think that by posting about how you are feeling there is likely a part of you that does not want to be that tiny piece under the couch. So, if you want to share more please do.  Gentle hug if that's OK