*TW* another alter showed up, kind of

[asdis]

Trigger Warning: brief mentions/references to childhood abuse, questioning the origin of an alter

We recently had a necessary surgery (total hysterectomy, endo excision). It took a lot for us to get to the point of being able to go through with it. It has 100% improved our quality of life. We even knew going in that our sexual trauma would likely flare up during recovery. However, it also led to an alter waking up that has not fronted or been aware of anything for 18 years.

This alter is stuck behind the seal, which we can only describe as a living lock that contains an unknown portion of our headspace/mind/brain. Those of us in the "regular" part have no way of reaching the seal, going into it, or even seeing inside of it. Seraphina (a protector/gatekeeper) and H (another gatekeeper) pretty much work overtime to keep the seal relatively unproblematic. They have a couple helper alters that keep a constant watch on it and they are the only two strong enough to semi-interact with it.

The seal has been trying to release this "new" alter into isolation-front, essentially attempting to drop her into a body and world that she doesn't recognize AND cut the rest of us off from her and the outside world. It has been incredibly difficult to repeatedly stop this. We've been having catatonia-like episodes as a result. She's fronted briefly a handful of times, thankfully only when our husband has been home. It's terrifying to think of what could happen if she fronts when we're alone.

She has no name. She has no real wants for herself. She has a heart-breakingly intense desire to return to the environment/people that created her. From what our gatekeepers have gathered from her, she likely was not an internally-created alter. She believes that our surgery has broken us, that it's stripped her of her purpose, that it broke "too many rules". She believes that following recovery guidelines and our doctor's instructions is further "breaking rules". She doesn't really understand any of her feelings. She doesn't understand why her memories and desires hurt the rest of us so much, or even that the rest of us exist. Some of the things she's said to Seraphina and H have been so scary. The only type of connection that she understands is sexual and she doesn't even know what it is. From their brief interactions, she's both fascinated by and furious with our husband. She's upset that he's kind and respectful without it being an act. She's confused as to "why he keeps her" and "how he got her". Even when she's not aware of the outside world, her thoughts are loud and constant. It's like living in a snapshot from 20 years ago.

It's so lonely. There are so many things we want to research, so many rabbit holes we could go down. But that's too dangerous. We're already unstable. This new alter has the potential to blow up our life *without* adding unknown triggers. The research itself may tip certain people from our past off. But it's so incredibly lonely. It's so heavy. We also had to drop down to once-a-week therapy starting this week for financial reasons.

[Kizzie]

Asdis it sounds like you have been going through a lot both physically and emotionally. I'm sorry you had to drop down to one appointment a week with your therapist. That's difficult at any point in recovery but especially so right at a time when something big is happening internally.

I don't know if this might be helpful but I Googled DID support groups/orgs and came up with these which may provide some extra support and information:

Online Peer Support and Organizations

Multiplied By One Org: Offers structured virtual conversation-style peer support groups via Zoom covering specific topics like dissociative identities, addiction recovery, and loved ones of systems. [1] (https://multipliedbyone.org/did-resources/), [2] (https://multipliedbyone.org/online-support-groups/)

An Infinite Mind: A non-profit organization providing advocacy, education, and support services for people with dissociative disorders, alongside community events like the Healing Together hybrid conference. [1] (https://www.aninfinitemind.org/who-we-are), [2] (https://multipliedbyone.org/did-resources/)

New Landscape: A long-running peer-led online support group intended for individuals with DID or other dissociative disorders who have a framework for managing triggers and stability. [1] (https://www.new-landscape.com/)

Hope this is helpful and if not please ignore.

Kizzie