Dissociative/personality disorders

[Ran]

I have dissociated since I was 5 years old and for many years.

I have guestioned my identity on and off and going on spiraling loop with this. I even lived socially 2 years as a male and tried to transition.

It all confused me so much.

I experienced these shifts that at first I didin't really notice, then I thought I might be genderfluid. I had so much conflict within between feminine and male identity.

Then I understood that whenever I concentrante on the fog in my mind, then it sends me spiraling with identity guestions.

Then I stopped trying to focus on the fog, what actually helped me a lot.

Now though I still experience these shifts, but I don't guestion it all.

It's because I have a male alter. He isn't the only one, but he is more present and fronts often, but his fronting also causes dysphoria like feelings and my personality changes too. He is a lot more reserved. In online I often change my profile to be male instead and such and sometimes this confuses people.

I believe it is OSDD1b, because I don't have amnesia, but I do have distinctive characters and I can't help the shifts.

I desperately guestioned it all trying to find definite answers. I even thought of possibly having OCD.

Together with sexuality guestioning it was a rollercoaster that overlapped with each other and untangling this all took a lot of work.

My brain also works differently due to autism.

I'm curious to know what others think of this.

[Baldorin]

I have dissociated since I was 5 years old and for many years.

Ran I also dissociated as a child due to physical and sexual abuse.  And I am becoming more aware of several ways that I dissociate as an adult.  Recently I studied a book by Jamie Marich, PhD, "Dissociation Made Simple A Stigma-Free Guide to Embracing Your Dissociative Mind and Navigating Daily Life."  Because I wanted to learn more about dissociation.  The book has an extensive resource page with multiple websites and book references on DID and other forms of dissociation.  If you have not read it yet, maybe it can be of some help.

[Ran]

I have dissociated since I was 5 years old and for many years.

Ran I also dissociated as a child due to physical and sexual abuse.  And I am becoming more aware of several ways that I dissociate as an adult.  Recently I studied a book by Jamie Marich, PhD, "Dissociation Made Simple A Stigma-Free Guide to Embracing Your Dissociative Mind and Navigating Daily Life."  Because I wanted to learn more about dissociation.  The book has an extensive resource page with multiple websites and book references on DID and other forms of dissociation.  If you have not read it yet, maybe it can be of some help.

No I haven't read it. I will look it up and thank you I appreciate the reccomendation.

[sanmagic7]

ran, i agree, dissociation can be terribly confusing. i've dissociated in different ways, from forgetting to having an alter who takes over when i somehow feel threatened.  i call her the gray lady, and she's taken over for me in various circumstances, from playing games at parties, to doctors, interviews, - it didn't matter.  something inside me felt threatened in some way, and she's come out, taken over, and endures the ordeal for me.  she has her own personality, and even tho i know what's going on, know that she's there, i cannot stop it or change it, but can only wait until the perceived threat isn't there, and she disappears. 

i'm sure i'll be working with my therapist about this, and i have no idea how that will come out.  but for now, know that you're not alone in this struggle.  it's our brains/minds protecting us until we have the ability to protect ourselves in emotionally charged situations.  our brains are amazing in how they've taken care of us.

please take care.  sending a hug, if that's ok.

[NarcKiddo]

I dissociate too, but not as completely as some.

I was really interested to read that you have a male alter and that this could have been a factor in your identity conflict and consideration of transition. I have no experience of this but gender issues are so much in the news at the moment and it just made me wonder if maybe alters could be at play more than we realise.

[Ran]

ran, i agree, dissociation can be terribly confusing. i've dissociated in different ways, from forgetting to having an alter who takes over when i somehow feel threatened.  i call her the gray lady, and she's taken over for me in various circumstances, from playing games at parties, to doctors, interviews, - it didn't matter.  something inside me felt threatened in some way, and she's come out, taken over, and endures the ordeal for me.  she has her own personality, and even tho i know what's going on, know that she's there, i cannot stop it or change it, but can only wait until the perceived threat isn't there, and she disappears. 

i'm sure i'll be working with my therapist about this, and i have no idea how that will come out.  but for now, know that you're not alone in this struggle.  it's our brains/minds protecting us until we have the ability to protect ourselves in emotionally charged situations.  our brains are amazing in how they've taken care of us.

please take care.  sending a hug, if that's ok.

Yeah I love hugs, so that's okay. Hugs.

Glad you see a therapist. I'd try just there is a waitlist and can't afford it, but I am slowly understanding what I need to do. What makes it better and what not. I just try to not fight it and more understand it.

[Ran]

I dissociate too, but not as completely as some.

I was really interested to read that you have a male alter and that this could have been a factor in your identity conflict and consideration of transition. I have no experience of this but gender issues are so much in the news at the moment and it just made me wonder if maybe alters could be at play more than we realise.

Yeah, of course not in everyone and there are also many other factors that could be at play like autism or just people genuinley feeling wrong in their body.

I read that autistic people tend to be more genderfluid.

I have autistic traits myself, so combination of this all and added midlife crisis with trauma created this confusion overlap.

I missed a lot of milestones, that people normally go through. A lot of the things I expected to happen just didin't for me like falling in love, getting married, having family and stable career.

I didin't know my purpose or where I was supposed to move forward to and there was no one I was able to turn to.

I got older and people around me all seemed to be doing so much better. I was just stuck and I started questioning my whole identity.

It all terrified me.

I have other alters, than just my male alter. Others, just haven't come out like this yet. It actually does help me kinda feel better, like things make more sense and I can try to understand myself better.