I Don't Do Well In Crowds

[quietdespair]

Normally, I'm fairly isolated and only around my family but when I do happen to leave the house I tend to not notice people at all unless they speak to me or I have to interact with them in some way.  Individually, I can handle strangers but if there is a crowd my hypervigilance and anxiety is nearly unbearable, making me much too aware of everything and everyone.

I went to heavy metal concert a couple of weeks ago at the behest of an old friend and it took a lot of nerve for me to walk in there alone. There was a huge crowd of people, the music was so loud that it seemed that I could feel the vibrations in the air and thumping on my chest like a hand. It was a small club so I had to be in close proximity to about 200 strangers and it felt like I was having a constant low-level panic attack the entire time. I was shaking like a leaf because I felt like people were staring and when I realized that some of them actually were it took everything I had not to just walk out of there. I caught eyes with several rough looking fellows and when one of them approached me to ask me something it got worse.

But I just stood with my back against the wall and I kept playing with this rubber band on my wrist to kind of work some of the stress out. My friend took about an hour to show up and it was a great relief to see her but she had this entire entourage of friends with her that I didn't know and interacting with them was hard too.

We went out to the smoking area to talk but it wasn't any better. There were so many people and they were all looking at me at the same time whenever I spoke so I didn't really say much. One guy touched my arm to get my attention once and I almost jumped out of my skin. I just kept fidgeting with that rubber band and chewing gum but I didn't do a good job of hiding my nervousness at all. Everyone kept looking at me and asking me questions and I could feel the tension in my neck and shoulders getting worse and worse. For four hours I was on high alert and it was absolutely exhausting.

It was really good to see my friend but I was unable to really pay much attention to her because I was paying far too much attention to everything that felt unfamiliar and unsafe. I wish I could've relaxed and maybe even enjoyed myself but even drinking a little couldn't take the edge off. When it was time to go I told my friend goodbye and pretty much ran off the street to get the * away from what felt like a million prying eyes.

That night was hard but I actually did better than I have in the past in similar situations. I didn't have a huge freak out moment and I even spoke to people and looked them in the eyes. In the end I'm glad I went because I showed myself that I could do what seemed like the impossible.

[Three Roses]

That night was hard but I actually did better than I have in the past in similar situations. I didn't have a huge freak out moment and I even spoke to people and looked them in the eyes. In the end I'm glad I went because I showed myself that I could do what seemed like the impossible.

I can really relate to your feelings here. Although I was boisterous and outgoing in my youth it was all dysfunctional coping. I've become reclusive and isolated which is more comfortable for me, but I'd like to come out of hiding a bit.

[quietdespair]

I was much the same, Three Roses. I rarely leave the house now and it seems like the longer I go without being around other people the harder it is to interact with them. Sometimes I even find it hard to reach out to old friends if it's been some time since we last spoke.

[LilyITV]

You did a great job quietdespair!!  That was a looong time to be in a crowd and I know it cannot have been easy to have walked in alone and then on top of that to find that your friend had brought a bunch of people you did not know.  Although I know it was not comfortable for you in the moment at least now you can feel proud of what you accomplished.

I really hate crowds too.  I guess for me there is just too much stuff going on and I get overwhelmed. There is just always so many things to worry about and so many things that could happen.  I always feel the need to escape when in large crowds and stay on the lookout for ways to get out quickly.   When it's over, I want to get out as fast as possible! 

[quietdespair]

Thank you for your words of encouragement, LilyITV. Crowds in general are rough for me but this one came with an extra helping of worry because of my experience with a metal concert crowd back in '05. It was about three well-known bands playing and the crowd was so huge that it was a literal sea of people. With most everyone drinking or whatever; some pretty awful things happened. I guess I went into this one expecting the worst but, thankfully, it never happened. I can deal with being uncomfortable for a few hours as long as I walk out of there in the same condition that I went in.

[Rainydaze]

I know how this feels all too well, quietdespair, you're not alone in this. I'm fearful of groups if we're just standing around talking (even people I know) and more agitated in crowds. I tend to just get very annoyed at concerts as it's too hot, bright, loud and busy with so many people packed in one room like sardines with barely any personal space. You were very brave to go on your own and wait for an hour for your friend to turn up and I think you did really well to stay there.