Revenge

[sigiriuk]

Despite not seeing my adopted FOO for several years, I am still consumed by revenge, and the desire for them to admit everything.
My son says it's killing me.
I dont know how to let go, and move on. I just wouldnt feel safe without my armour of rage and anger.
Any ideas?

Slim X

[Blueberry]

You write that your anger and rage are your 'armour'. So maybe they are helping you feel safe(r)? My T said that holding on to slight fear towards some mbrs of FOO was a good thing for me. Reduce the panic, yes. But a bit of fear not bad.

Could it be that your 'armour' contains some pain too? That would make sense to me especially considering your desire for them to admit everything. Sadly, they are very unlikely to admit anything, far less everything. I'm basing that on my own experience and what I read on here. You might be lucky, but please don't count on it.

I've been able to lower the degree to which I feel anger, rage and pain in T with various methods. I can't remember offhand - do you have a T? Otherwise, anger, desire for revenge etc - I don't think these are things that we with cptsd can just simply let go of and move on. Sounds a bit like 'forgive and forget'.

Maybe check this thread on angering? http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=381.15

[Gromit]

Hey Slim,

I don't think the ability to let go is as easy as it sounds. I think it comes when you are able to focus yourself on other things, like yourself, your son. Do that and you may find you think of the past with less emotion, or that when you do think of it you don't feel the same.

G

[Kizzie]

Just my thoughts but I'm with Pete Walker who suggests that anger and even rage is actually healthy because it is the first step in re-igniting our self-protective instincts which have often been suppressed:   

Angering serves to rescue the individual from the childlike sense of powerlessness he is flashing back to. It reminds him that he inhabits an adult body and has greater capacity for self-protection than he did as a child. As such, angering serves to antidote or reduce fear. It reawakens and nurtures the instinct of self-protection. With practice it increasingly builds a sense of both outer and inner boundaries – safety from the bullying
of others and safety from the most damaging bully of all – the inner critic. Finally, angering can also empower the myriad thought corrections and substitutions needed to establish the survivor's belief in her own essential goodness and in the lovability of discriminately chosen others.

The above is from his article about angering and grieving which I find quite helpful. I don't know if you have his book but there's some good info/suggestions in it as well.  One thing he discusses is having a T bear witness to and validate anger. Perhaps this might be something you could look into to help you work through your anger and bring it down to a level that is self-protective rather than revenge-oriented?

[sweetsixty]

It took many years for me to feel any anger, and my T was thrilled when she saw a little even. She felt it was very healing. Her description of what I should be aiming for was "righteous indignation" rather than full blown all consuming anger which takes away from your own life as it consumes you with bitterness too.
I have found her to be right over this, it's kinda like taking the moral high ground and knowing you are right whilst have sense of "how dare they treat me like that"!
None of my family ever "admitted" anything, how can our families admit to any of it? To do so would then consume them as they have to see what they had done to another person? Confronting them may just lead to more heartache as they can't admit anything.

Best advice I had on this - Spend time shouting at them in an imaginary world, put a chair opposite you and tell them how you feel. Write a letter to each of them and vent your rage. It really works, after a time you will feel better and you may get to the other side of the anger.
It's very, very hard but a very necessary part of recovery, well done for getting to this point.
Sweetsixty x

[Contessa]

Kizzie, your validation of rage and anger for me was very settling. I like that quote by Pete Walker
I'm still only halfway through the book.

Sweet sixty, I can empathise. I never felt anger until a few years ago. Righteous indignation sounds very fair.

[Contessa]

Hi Slim,

Apologies, I had every intention to respond to your initial post, yet could not find the words that I thought would be satisfactory at the time of writing above. Wanted to think on it, and clearly got distracted somewhere else.

I have had moments of extreme anger toward my family also, and have recently come to the conclusion that they will never admit or apologise to anything. They're not capable, otherwise they would have apologised almost a decade ago.

That doesn't stop the anger though - what they did has hurt, and what they do continues to do so. So I understand when it becomes all consuming.

I'm where you are; struggling to let it go and move on. I don't know the answer, though am having small moments of success with Gromit's suggestion, which is as utterly difficult as suggested.

So apologies for the lack of advice. Aside from a remose filled apology, the sweetest revenge would be succeding at being a better human than them, and helping others lead better lives.

Still have a way to go yet though.

[Kizzie]

the sweetest revenge would be succeeding at being a better human than them

Truer words Contessa ...    

[Blueberry]

the sweetest revenge would be succeeding at being a better human than them

Truer words Contessa ...   

Although one is encouraged not to compare, I don't doubt that many of us on here are better humans than our abusers/enablers already due to the fact that we don't knowingly and shoulder-shruggingly continue the abuse and due to the fact that we are working on ourselves, learning to be honest towards ourselves and to other humans (e.g. Ts, other mbrs on here etc.). It took me until fairly recently to see that. My FOO are just not very nice people, certainly not people I should look up to as having healthy solutions for living and getting on with others.

[Contessa]

Good point Blueberry. That is already a fact, well said.

At those particular times when the grip of rage loosens it's hold on us, all the easier for us to share our compassion. I personally have a difficult time paying it forward when anger has consumed me.

Success is measured in many different ways. That is one aspect that we already excel in; the safety and respect on this forum is a case in point. Yet unlike our FOO's, we can build upon that success.

We just need that anger to subside. Because when it does, boy do we have the potential to promote good that is powerful, and genuinely altruistic. We can pay it forward big time.

And that's me off my soap box...
Of course, those are my current thoughts san-anger. When i'm angry, it's a completely different story.

[Blueberry]

Sorry, Slim, we all veered a bit off-topic at the end there. Sorry about that.

How are you doing now? Is anything helpful in the comments you got from us all?

[Contessa]

Yes Slim,
My fault.
Echoing Blueberry. How are you holding up?