Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2025
Last post by dollyvee - September 04, 2025, 07:21:34 AMHi Hope,
Have just finished reading your journal and that's great you were able to stay with the part that felt fear.
I hope things went ok at your inlaws after what happened before. Did you manage to speak to her about it? Maybe the headache is a way of the body telling you something is coming up.
Sending you support
Have just finished reading your journal and that's great you were able to stay with the part that felt fear.
I hope things went ok at your inlaws after what happened before. Did you manage to speak to her about it? Maybe the headache is a way of the body telling you something is coming up.
Sending you support
#92
Questions/Suggestions/Comments / Re: Help Us to Keep OOTS Safe ...
Last post by Kizzie - September 03, 2025, 04:38:33 PMIn terms of what triggers you, that's quite personal but you will likely notice feelings arise such anxiety, fear, anger, sadness .... I don't know how far along you are in recovery but as survivors go along they typically figure out what is a trigger and why. You can bring that to your therapist and/or bring it up in a post here to help with that.
In terms of writing things that are triggering for others, as Auto-Rin suggests anything can be a trigger but what we're referring to here are the things that are more obvious triggers for survivors of relational abuse. One of these is overly graphic detail as we have noted in the member guidelines. So this means going into great detail about physical or sexual abuse rather than writing about what happened in general terms. That kind of detail is best left to therapy in private with someone who is trained to help and who knows how to manage any secondary trauma they may experience by hearing about the abuse.
If anyone is ever unsure about what they are writing about they can always PM me and check it out. Also, we have the Report to Moderator button on the lower right hand side of posts so that community members themselves can let me know if a post is questionable.
Kizzie
#93
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by sanmagic7 - September 03, 2025, 01:46:20 PMperhaps, indeed, bach. those word associations are strong. usually, 'esteem' is a positive, from all i know, but i can see how it could've gotten twisted for you. that's too bad, really. actually, till you just wrote this, i never connected 'self' and 'esteem' in quite that way - how much esteem we have for our self. to me it was one of those phrases that was always connected and just meant something about how well i thought of myself, what kind of regard i had for my 'self'. that kind of thing.
i hope you can either delete that neg. connotation from the phrase 'self-esteem' or replace it w/ something that works for you. and, i've never thought of self-esteem as being connected to being egotistical, but, again, sounds like it got twisted for you. i've thought of 'arrogance' as thinking too much of oneself, as in 'better than' in some way - that's got an egotistical ring to it in my mind. aaaah, the power of words.
we've been dealt some rotten hands in our lives. as kenny rogers said, we've got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, know when to run. and that's good advice, as far as it goes, but sometimes those hands are so attached to us, it's hard to get away, walking, running, flying, folding, whatever. we're still at the table tho, for what it's worth, still making decisions about what to do with what we got. i give us a lot of credit for that. love and hugs
i hope you can either delete that neg. connotation from the phrase 'self-esteem' or replace it w/ something that works for you. and, i've never thought of self-esteem as being connected to being egotistical, but, again, sounds like it got twisted for you. i've thought of 'arrogance' as thinking too much of oneself, as in 'better than' in some way - that's got an egotistical ring to it in my mind. aaaah, the power of words.
we've been dealt some rotten hands in our lives. as kenny rogers said, we've got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, know when to run. and that's good advice, as far as it goes, but sometimes those hands are so attached to us, it's hard to get away, walking, running, flying, folding, whatever. we're still at the table tho, for what it's worth, still making decisions about what to do with what we got. i give us a lot of credit for that. love and hugs
#94
Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: Repressed memories without...
Last post by GoSlash27 - September 03, 2025, 02:31:29 AMSo I did some research on this and answered my own question.
This is called "dissociative semantic disintegration". It's distinctly different from a repressed memory.
In a repressed memory, the pathway to access it is disrupted, but may be restored some other way. A song, a smell, etc. It suddenly springs back into being, and when you remember it, it's like you're experiencing it with all of the emotions of the moment.
In the case of "dissociative semantic disintegration", the episodic memory itself is intact and freely accessible, it's just the *context* of the experience that is gone. This specific example of abuse wasn't filed under "abuse", just as my sister wasn't filed under "sister".
So I've just learned that there's more than one way for my subconscious to hide memories from me.
Best,
-Slashy
This is called "dissociative semantic disintegration". It's distinctly different from a repressed memory.
In a repressed memory, the pathway to access it is disrupted, but may be restored some other way. A song, a smell, etc. It suddenly springs back into being, and when you remember it, it's like you're experiencing it with all of the emotions of the moment.
In the case of "dissociative semantic disintegration", the episodic memory itself is intact and freely accessible, it's just the *context* of the experience that is gone. This specific example of abuse wasn't filed under "abuse", just as my sister wasn't filed under "sister".
So I've just learned that there's more than one way for my subconscious to hide memories from me.
Best,
-Slashy
#95
Questions/Suggestions/Comments / Re: Help Us to Keep OOTS Safe ...
Last post by AR - September 02, 2025, 11:42:08 PMQuote from: TScott on September 02, 2025, 01:05:13 AMHow do you find what triggers you?I guess if you read a post and then you get really upset by it you're triggered. The problem is I suppose anything could be a trigger seeing as we can't predict how others will respond emotionally to our output. I don't tend to get triggered but I've noticed I trigger people just by posting what's on my mind...so much so that an entire forum was removed from the last group I joined. Technically I wrote nothing "wrong" so they couldn't remove the post but so many were "triggered" they opted to take down the entire forum. Maybe if I typed TW!!!! Before the offending words the forum might still be active
#96
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - September 02, 2025, 09:57:16 PMHi Hope.
The tip worked well. Got everything done and am driving the car. Interesting effect I noticed on myself is my mood is really good. Being able to tackle a complex task and complete it.. Is nice you know?
Work.. the pace that I was going yesterday, compared to the slow as a snail pace at work is jarring to me at the moment.
Not to mention the paperpushing BS, work from wherever and so have no clue on what is actually going on.
I'm torn. One the one hand, having the site shutting down is a bummer because of not just the job loss for me, but also for the other good folks that will also lose theirs. On the other hand, not having to deal with certain 'personalities' will be a wonderful release.
Gotta go. Break over. Need to find something to do. Yeesh
Wishing all here, all the best
The tip worked well. Got everything done and am driving the car. Interesting effect I noticed on myself is my mood is really good. Being able to tackle a complex task and complete it.. Is nice you know?
Work.. the pace that I was going yesterday, compared to the slow as a snail pace at work is jarring to me at the moment.
Not to mention the paperpushing BS, work from wherever and so have no clue on what is actually going on.
I'm torn. One the one hand, having the site shutting down is a bummer because of not just the job loss for me, but also for the other good folks that will also lose theirs. On the other hand, not having to deal with certain 'personalities' will be a wonderful release.
Gotta go. Break over. Need to find something to do. Yeesh
Wishing all here, all the best
#97
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by SenseOrgan - September 02, 2025, 07:18:31 PMYour compassion is beautiful Dalloway. It's brave to keep your heart open in the face of such horror. Bad things flow out of closing it. The very things you refer to are a result of this. It's hard to realize our influence is limited, to put it mildly. It seems absurd to work on personal healing in a world falling apart, doesn't it? Still, I think it's the most powerful and constructive thing we can do when dealing with CPTSD. Every action ripples out from there. It also determines to what degree we can be effective in the world. It has to have priority if we're not in direct danger ourselves, I think.
We can't know how far we'll get, but I think we owe it to ourselves to give it our all. And also to the world (without being grandiose) because none of us is an island. There are things we can influence and things we can't influence. It helps a great deal to focus on the former, however small it may seem. It matters. Without downplaying any of the horrific things going on, we truly can't know where we are even one day from now. Regardless of how things develop, there's intrinsic value in acts of kindness and compassion, no matter how seemingly insignificant. Towards yourself and others.
There are great examples of people not succumbing to cynicism and hopelessness and remaining their dignity in the hardest of circumstances. They showed and show us that it's possible to do what's right even if all the odds are against us. Big and small. The circumstances we find ourselves in sometimes makes us tap into almost super human abilities we weren't aware of. It's not necessarily about getting the outcome we want. More about what we value, even more than ourselves. I recently saw a clip of a Jezidi man singing about the massacre on his people. He was honoring them by keeping the story alive of what had happened. There was an immense dignity in it, even though it changed nothing about the horror. It touched me deeply. He was unbroken.
Much love
ps
If you want to hear the Jezidi man sing, you still can for a week or so, if you have VPN which you can set to The Netherlands. The fragment starts at 2 hours 48 minutes into the show. https://npo.nl/start/serie/vpro-zomergasten/seizoen-37/vpro-zomergasten_15/afspelen
We can't know how far we'll get, but I think we owe it to ourselves to give it our all. And also to the world (without being grandiose) because none of us is an island. There are things we can influence and things we can't influence. It helps a great deal to focus on the former, however small it may seem. It matters. Without downplaying any of the horrific things going on, we truly can't know where we are even one day from now. Regardless of how things develop, there's intrinsic value in acts of kindness and compassion, no matter how seemingly insignificant. Towards yourself and others.
There are great examples of people not succumbing to cynicism and hopelessness and remaining their dignity in the hardest of circumstances. They showed and show us that it's possible to do what's right even if all the odds are against us. Big and small. The circumstances we find ourselves in sometimes makes us tap into almost super human abilities we weren't aware of. It's not necessarily about getting the outcome we want. More about what we value, even more than ourselves. I recently saw a clip of a Jezidi man singing about the massacre on his people. He was honoring them by keeping the story alive of what had happened. There was an immense dignity in it, even though it changed nothing about the horror. It touched me deeply. He was unbroken.
Much love
ps
If you want to hear the Jezidi man sing, you still can for a week or so, if you have VPN which you can set to The Netherlands. The fragment starts at 2 hours 48 minutes into the show. https://npo.nl/start/serie/vpro-zomergasten/seizoen-37/vpro-zomergasten_15/afspelen
#98
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Bach - September 02, 2025, 06:11:04 PMOh, san, thank you so much for your reply and for your understanding. What you've written here is exactly what I'm talking about. It's such a huge burden, that we have no choice but to carry. So unfair!
About a year ago, I got some positive self-talk tapes (well, not really tapes, digital files, but Gen X thankyouverymuch), and have listened to them nearly every single day. Of course I knew better than to believe that "You can change your life in just 30 days!", but still, I would have hoped for more improvement than I feel I've gotten after a whole year. I've thought about putting the script into first person and making a recording of it in my own voice, but I'm afraid that if I did it would not sound sincere and that would make me feel even worse about myself. I think the very phrase "self-esteem" has negative connotations for me. I think that in my household it was sort of a putdown, like saying someone was egotistical. And then there's the word "esteem", with which I realise I have a certain history. Here's a weird one: When my stepfather and my mother were first married, he gave me a copy of his Pulitzer-prize-winning book about something-something-American-history that he had inscribed "to (my name) With love and esteem, from (his name)". What a strange gift to give to a small child. What a strange thing to inscribe it with. I was maybe 6. I didn't know what "esteem" meant, although I understood it to be positive. I know that when my mother and stepfather got married, she told me that he was excited about us being a family because he had three sons and had always wanted a daughter. I think from these I got the notion that I would be appreciated and treated kindly by my stepfather. Which of course I was not. So perhaps I associate the word "esteem" with a broken promise.
About a year ago, I got some positive self-talk tapes (well, not really tapes, digital files, but Gen X thankyouverymuch), and have listened to them nearly every single day. Of course I knew better than to believe that "You can change your life in just 30 days!", but still, I would have hoped for more improvement than I feel I've gotten after a whole year. I've thought about putting the script into first person and making a recording of it in my own voice, but I'm afraid that if I did it would not sound sincere and that would make me feel even worse about myself. I think the very phrase "self-esteem" has negative connotations for me. I think that in my household it was sort of a putdown, like saying someone was egotistical. And then there's the word "esteem", with which I realise I have a certain history. Here's a weird one: When my stepfather and my mother were first married, he gave me a copy of his Pulitzer-prize-winning book about something-something-American-history that he had inscribed "to (my name) With love and esteem, from (his name)". What a strange gift to give to a small child. What a strange thing to inscribe it with. I was maybe 6. I didn't know what "esteem" meant, although I understood it to be positive. I know that when my mother and stepfather got married, she told me that he was excited about us being a family because he had three sons and had always wanted a daughter. I think from these I got the notion that I would be appreciated and treated kindly by my stepfather. Which of course I was not. So perhaps I associate the word "esteem" with a broken promise.
#99
Eating Issues / Re: too many issues with food
Last post by asdis - September 02, 2025, 06:06:09 PMThank you both for your responses . We have an appointment with an ED therapist today and we're nervous but we know we can't skip it. Here's to hoping that she selected "dissociative disorders" as a specialty because she actually understands them, and not to just get more clients. We've tried ED therapy once before but the therapist told us she "wasn't equipped to help with our issues" because of the DID/the ED being tied to trauma.
We finished the emergency meds but our stomach hasn't returned to normal yet. We finally can eat whenever we're hungry again though. We're counting down the days until we see the allergist and trying to compile a comprehensive list of foods that we react to and how. It's supposed to be one of the best allergy centers in the area.
. We have an appointment with an ED therapist today and we're nervous but we know we can't skip it. Here's to hoping that she selected "dissociative disorders" as a specialty because she actually understands them, and not to just get more clients. We've tried ED therapy once before but the therapist told us she "wasn't equipped to help with our issues" because of the DID/the ED being tied to trauma. We finished the emergency meds but our stomach hasn't returned to normal yet. We finally can eat whenever we're hungry again though. We're counting down the days until we see the allergist and trying to compile a comprehensive list of foods that we react to and how. It's supposed to be one of the best allergy centers in the area.
#100
Memory/Cognitive Issues / Repressed memories without emo...
Last post by GoSlash27 - September 02, 2025, 04:57:09 PM All,
I've been digging around the events surrounding my early childhood and I stumbled across an odd memory; A vivid memory of our babysitter abusing us.
Every other unlocked repressed memory I've experienced came with a flood of emotion, this one came with nothing.
I'm not sure I can trust it because of that.
I've always sworn that while we *were* abused, I had no recollection of it. But focusing on events surrounding that time, listening to period songs/ TV show themes, etc... I realized that I actually *did* recall it perfectly well. I knew it the whole time.
Given the fact that I remember it with perfect clarity but I don't "feel" it... What are the odds that this is a false memory? How common is this phenomenon?
Thanks,
Slashy
I've been digging around the events surrounding my early childhood and I stumbled across an odd memory; A vivid memory of our babysitter abusing us.
Every other unlocked repressed memory I've experienced came with a flood of emotion, this one came with nothing.
I'm not sure I can trust it because of that.
I've always sworn that while we *were* abused, I had no recollection of it. But focusing on events surrounding that time, listening to period songs/ TV show themes, etc... I realized that I actually *did* recall it perfectly well. I knew it the whole time.
Given the fact that I remember it with perfect clarity but I don't "feel" it... What are the odds that this is a false memory? How common is this phenomenon?
Thanks,
Slashy