Recent posts
#71
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Re: self-hatred and annoyed wi...
Last post by Kizzie - July 02, 2025, 07:51:04 PMIt may be that your current therapist is not the one for you. It does happen and you are well within your rights to look for another one that sits you better and that you feel you are making progress with.
It could also be that you are irritated with yourself and them because there is something big bubbling up. If you have a think or I guess a feel of what's going on and that might be it then maybe you should stay and see if you can get to the bottom of things?
IMO it's about you helping you find the help you need, whatever that may be.
It could also be that you are irritated with yourself and them because there is something big bubbling up. If you have a think or I guess a feel of what's going on and that might be it then maybe you should stay and see if you can get to the bottom of things?
IMO it's about you helping you find the help you need, whatever that may be.
#72
Emotional Abuse / Re: grief
Last post by Kizzie - July 02, 2025, 07:46:41 PMEverything you have written tells me what happened to you was not in any way "small". Abuse is abuse no matter how seemingly innocuous or small it seems. If the actions of another tells you you are not worth much, that you can be treated as nothing, that you are shameful, and so on, it was abusive. I suspect if you go back over what you wrote about and try to see the underlying messages, you'll see what I'm saying.
Something we often say here because newcomers often feel like it wasn't that bad is "If you have the symptoms of Complex PTSD, it really was that bad". You did not get what you needed and deserved as a child, the same as the rest of us here.
Something we often say here because newcomers often feel like it wasn't that bad is "If you have the symptoms of Complex PTSD, it really was that bad". You did not get what you needed and deserved as a child, the same as the rest of us here.
#73
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by sanmagic7 - July 02, 2025, 08:32:33 AMyeah, it sounds like a lot 
NK. dang. i do hope he gets an air tag (i just looked it up, sounds like it would be perfect for this situation). seems like you've been living w/in no sense of safety, which, in my mind, completely warrants that 'tantrum' - a lot of feelings associated w/ feeling unsafe. EF sounds just about right for the situation as well. and then you had to be the responsible one, do a search and find the keys in order to restore a sense of safety, take care of it all yourself. there's a lot there to process.
i do hope he gets one and it eases this problem.
and, congratulations on your therapy progress. the fact that you can now manage some things you weren't able to before is wonderful. keep up the good work, ok? love and hugs
NK. dang. i do hope he gets an air tag (i just looked it up, sounds like it would be perfect for this situation). seems like you've been living w/in no sense of safety, which, in my mind, completely warrants that 'tantrum' - a lot of feelings associated w/ feeling unsafe. EF sounds just about right for the situation as well. and then you had to be the responsible one, do a search and find the keys in order to restore a sense of safety, take care of it all yourself. there's a lot there to process.i do hope he gets one and it eases this problem.
and, congratulations on your therapy progress. the fact that you can now manage some things you weren't able to before is wonderful. keep up the good work, ok? love and hugs
#74
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / self-hatred and annoyed with t...
Last post by em87 - July 02, 2025, 12:49:05 AMTwo things, I still kind of hate myself and I'm annoyed with therapy.
- these things feed into each other a bit. just that thought of why am I even in therapy if I'm not really learning anything new. and my therapist today completely disengaged at some point.
- my therapist talked about how I don't have to seek external validation, but then how do I make meaning of my experience without sharing it? because it's deemed 'small' in the context of trauma. what's the point of making myself miserable if I'm still not 'fixed'?
and no, I don't expect my therapist to fix me. I feel like I'm close to remembering something but I'm stuck.
- these things feed into each other a bit. just that thought of why am I even in therapy if I'm not really learning anything new. and my therapist today completely disengaged at some point.
- my therapist talked about how I don't have to seek external validation, but then how do I make meaning of my experience without sharing it? because it's deemed 'small' in the context of trauma. what's the point of making myself miserable if I'm still not 'fixed'?
and no, I don't expect my therapist to fix me. I feel like I'm close to remembering something but I'm stuck.
#75
Medication / Re: considering starting meds ...
Last post by Kizzie - July 01, 2025, 08:02:24 PMSo sorry to hear it's taking some time for the psychiatrist to respond, I know how difficult that is.
#76
Medication / Re: considering starting meds ...
Last post by asdis - July 01, 2025, 07:13:26 PMIt is really hard to get in to see one. We've had a lot of bad luck with psychs, the first one we had retired as we graduated high school and that was the first time we went off meds after starting them. After that, a lot of psychs just trying to medicate the trauma away. Theoretically if we found another telehealth psych company we might see one sooner, but we can't use several of those services (or a handful of in-person ones) due to insurance revoking coverage once the sessions added up to $1000-ish, and every time we confirmed prior to starting services that insurance would cover them. It's one of the reasons we were dropped by our last psych.
It's been a week since we reached out to the psych our therapist found, and we're getting nervous because we haven't even received a waitlist or rejection email/call/text. We know it hasn't been very long, but it's still giving us a lot of anxiety.
It's been a week since we reached out to the psych our therapist found, and we're getting nervous because we haven't even received a waitlist or rejection email/call/text. We know it hasn't been very long, but it's still giving us a lot of anxiety.
#77
General Discussion / Re: Getting Worse The Older I ...
Last post by storyworld - July 01, 2025, 06:22:33 PMI wonder if, also, the weight of your current life phase might be contributing to your feelings of overwhelm. Transitioning from college to the career world can be incredibly overwhelming, for all people. Therefore, I'd expect it to feel even more challenging for someone with CPTSD. This is a really, really big transitional period. That said, congrats on nearing the end of your academic career! That's an accomplishment!
#78
General Discussion / Re: Autism or CPTSD?
Last post by storyworld - July 01, 2025, 06:20:31 PMHello!
I am not autistic but wanted to reply to say that I saw your post and understand how confusing this might be. I've read that CPTSD can mimic ADHD. Since autism (I've heard) is supposedly related (loosely?) to ASD, it seems like there could be some crossover.
I am not autistic but wanted to reply to say that I saw your post and understand how confusing this might be. I've read that CPTSD can mimic ADHD. Since autism (I've heard) is supposedly related (loosely?) to ASD, it seems like there could be some crossover.
#79
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by NarcKiddo - July 01, 2025, 02:05:09 PMThank you, everyone.
I don't feel bad about needing to continue therapy as such. I can afford it and I know it is helping me a lot. So that's fine. It's more that I honestly thought I would be OK with less frequency but even the suggestion of it has coincided with adverse reactions. Oh well. When I look back, I realise that I have actually cut frequency. Before, when T or I had to go on holiday I would schedule a catch up session. Or she would let me raise issues by email if we couldn't do normal zoom. If there was an unexpected change because she was ill I would take it badly. All those things I can now take in my stride and I don't bother with catch up sessions any more. So, there's progress I had not actually recognised until just now.
But wow, I am on a very short fuse emotionally right now. And out of nowhere, too, which sucks extra.
Like today. All was fine. Really good, actually. Felt calm and happy. And then my husband mislaid the car keys. Which also have our house keys attached. He often does this. I have suggested an air tag many times. But no.
Logic dictated that they were in the house or garage. His occasional habit of leaving them actually in our door lock, on full public display and ready to be stolen, was enough to make me worry more. We have cameras and it is very unlikely I would have missed someone stealing our keys. But still.
So he just sat in our summer house reading his iPad while I finished my laundry and then went on a search. I found them fast, which did not help. He had put them in a garage cupboard where they do not live and should not be. But if he had only bothered to open the garage cupboards he would have seen them and saved all the aggro.
Oddly, it was my finding them that sent me over the edge. I gave them to him, told him where they had been and stormed off into the house to have a full on tantrum in private. I mean a toddler tantrum here. Shouting. Jumping up and down. Dissolving into a crying fit. It was totally epic and what anyone would have thought had they seen a middle aged woman doing this I have no idea.
Anyway, it got the worst out of my system, such that I was capable of going out for coffee as we usually do. On the way I did not suggest he get an air tag, I flat out demanded it. And he said he would and when he had been reading his iPad he had in fact been researching such things. And he apologised for losing the keys. Which of course was not really the problem, but his behaviour around it. Anyway I need to process all of that before I consider how to approach it with him.
So coffee was OK but kind of stilted. And we drove home. I was just about to get out of the car when he said "Do you forgive me?". All I could do was squeak "yes" and hotfoot it out of that car.
He was not to know, but the one and only time my mother asked me that question was when I was 7, in the car, after she had totally unfairly raged at me. And I hadn't forgiven her yet and was stupid enough to say so. To be asked that self same question, when I am already fragile, IN A CAR was just the end. Slap bang back into the EF. So the rest of today is being spent trying to calm myself before we have to go out for a meal with friends tonight which will be nice but also stressful for various reasons, and then have several medical appointments tomorrow which will not be nice in the slightest.
Ugh. And plenty to chat about in therapy this week. Again.
I don't feel bad about needing to continue therapy as such. I can afford it and I know it is helping me a lot. So that's fine. It's more that I honestly thought I would be OK with less frequency but even the suggestion of it has coincided with adverse reactions. Oh well. When I look back, I realise that I have actually cut frequency. Before, when T or I had to go on holiday I would schedule a catch up session. Or she would let me raise issues by email if we couldn't do normal zoom. If there was an unexpected change because she was ill I would take it badly. All those things I can now take in my stride and I don't bother with catch up sessions any more. So, there's progress I had not actually recognised until just now.
But wow, I am on a very short fuse emotionally right now. And out of nowhere, too, which sucks extra.
Like today. All was fine. Really good, actually. Felt calm and happy. And then my husband mislaid the car keys. Which also have our house keys attached. He often does this. I have suggested an air tag many times. But no.
Logic dictated that they were in the house or garage. His occasional habit of leaving them actually in our door lock, on full public display and ready to be stolen, was enough to make me worry more. We have cameras and it is very unlikely I would have missed someone stealing our keys. But still.
So he just sat in our summer house reading his iPad while I finished my laundry and then went on a search. I found them fast, which did not help. He had put them in a garage cupboard where they do not live and should not be. But if he had only bothered to open the garage cupboards he would have seen them and saved all the aggro.
Oddly, it was my finding them that sent me over the edge. I gave them to him, told him where they had been and stormed off into the house to have a full on tantrum in private. I mean a toddler tantrum here. Shouting. Jumping up and down. Dissolving into a crying fit. It was totally epic and what anyone would have thought had they seen a middle aged woman doing this I have no idea.
Anyway, it got the worst out of my system, such that I was capable of going out for coffee as we usually do. On the way I did not suggest he get an air tag, I flat out demanded it. And he said he would and when he had been reading his iPad he had in fact been researching such things. And he apologised for losing the keys. Which of course was not really the problem, but his behaviour around it. Anyway I need to process all of that before I consider how to approach it with him.
So coffee was OK but kind of stilted. And we drove home. I was just about to get out of the car when he said "Do you forgive me?". All I could do was squeak "yes" and hotfoot it out of that car.
He was not to know, but the one and only time my mother asked me that question was when I was 7, in the car, after she had totally unfairly raged at me. And I hadn't forgiven her yet and was stupid enough to say so. To be asked that self same question, when I am already fragile, IN A CAR was just the end. Slap bang back into the EF. So the rest of today is being spent trying to calm myself before we have to go out for a meal with friends tonight which will be nice but also stressful for various reasons, and then have several medical appointments tomorrow which will not be nice in the slightest.
Ugh. And plenty to chat about in therapy this week. Again.
#80
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - July 01, 2025, 01:10:04 PM1 July 2025
With the "space" and slower pace, lots of inner {stuff} coming to the fore. I know that it's part and parcel of the healing journey that is going on. Thing is at the moment, hm.. salty? crusty? frustrated? anger? and a touch of sadness. Lots of unpacking and the ongoing realizations of how much BS I was fed and believed. For me.. the adoption mess, the expectations placed upon me, like when have I ever lived for me and my own best interests? In a sense I was indoctrinated into a belief system in which my wants, my needs, myself, was secondary to others. Definitely a F'ed up way to live. I keep coming back to examples in nature. Like beavers. What do beavers do? They build a dam across a stream to make a pond / small lake for their own purposes, and from that so many other beings not only benefit but a lot of species end up depending on the environment that the beavers create for their own purposes. And if this is indeed how this realm is structured to work... Judas on a stick, I was lied to, I was indoctrinated into a pattern of behavior that diminishes me, keeps me in a box of meeting others unhealthy expectations. Right?
Gonna have to sit with this.
Wishing all here all the best.
With the "space" and slower pace, lots of inner {stuff} coming to the fore. I know that it's part and parcel of the healing journey that is going on. Thing is at the moment, hm.. salty? crusty? frustrated? anger? and a touch of sadness. Lots of unpacking and the ongoing realizations of how much BS I was fed and believed. For me.. the adoption mess, the expectations placed upon me, like when have I ever lived for me and my own best interests? In a sense I was indoctrinated into a belief system in which my wants, my needs, myself, was secondary to others. Definitely a F'ed up way to live. I keep coming back to examples in nature. Like beavers. What do beavers do? They build a dam across a stream to make a pond / small lake for their own purposes, and from that so many other beings not only benefit but a lot of species end up depending on the environment that the beavers create for their own purposes. And if this is indeed how this realm is structured to work... Judas on a stick, I was lied to, I was indoctrinated into a pattern of behavior that diminishes me, keeps me in a box of meeting others unhealthy expectations. Right?
Gonna have to sit with this.
Wishing all here all the best.