Recent posts
#71
Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Re: CPTSD and healthy partners...
Last post by Marcine - October 29, 2025, 06:28:25 PMThank you NK and Kizzie for your thoughtful responses. I am happy you both have supportive spouses. 35+ years is quite a journey!
Kizzie, I appreciate your suggestion to "work on boundaries and taking care of you versus everyone else. That way you'll likely notice/attract more men who are healthier rather than being drawn to or attracting those who have unresolved trauma or are abusive."
This is in my control and I shall continue to move in this direction
Kizzie, I appreciate your suggestion to "work on boundaries and taking care of you versus everyone else. That way you'll likely notice/attract more men who are healthier rather than being drawn to or attracting those who have unresolved trauma or are abusive."
This is in my control and I shall continue to move in this direction
#72
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - October 29, 2025, 04:50:25 PM10/29/2025
Been a few days since I've written. Lots of good things going on and some not so much. The good: started going to a new chiropractor had my 2nd appt yesterday. Visible progress from 1st appt to yesterday. He's given me exercises to do to help myself. they do help more than I would have thought. Left shoulder was 1/4-1/2 higher than my right, left hip lower than my right and a nice twist thrown in. Yeah. As he adjusts my body, more and more crap comes up for me to process on the emotional side. PC nailed it, have to be holistic in approach. Mind, body, spirit. a trinity of a sort yeah? I have another appt this fri. Interesting thing I've noticed as well. The nights after an adjustment, my BP is lower than on the days where I didn't have one. Never thought that my pain tolerance would actually be a detriment. I've been looking into the body posture required for having a shield on my left while my right was free, and my body fell into that over the years of being at war in the place that should have been my peace.
As more fecal matter comes to the surface to process, the fears come along sometimes. Maybe it's because I grew up when the cold war was still going on and I was in the blast radius of a ICBM with the military targets in the area if the cold war went hot . there are some things I can take action on which helps, and then there is other stuff that I have nothing to do with, it's outside my control. On those things, taking what steps I can in case of X helps a great deal. Was a regular thing on the farm to have bad nasty blizzards, not every year but often enough to prepare for them. Same with floods. Not every year but often enough that we would build berms, water catch areas, and do what we could. For blizzards, putting in snow fences, evergreen trees as a snow brake, even to the point of which color we would use for the roof singles and pitch. Wanted something that would pull heat from the sun during the winter without being cooked in the summer. The pitch was so the snow would slide off so we didn't have to worry about structural issues from the weight of the snow. Food, fuel, generator, keeping the equipment we would be depending on in running shape. And dare I say faith. Faith that somehow, someway, it could be figured out. because as long as your breathing and willing to take action, there was a chance. As soon as you stopped, that's when a bad situation would definitely get worse. As such, I have no idea how much snow / mud / dirt I've shoveled. Flood debris moved, or any of that. It was only clean up after the emergency passed.
That's what it seems like to me at the moment. That the clean up stage has started. Spiritual in place, mind is doing pretty alright, and now the body is getting healed up.
The sister that passed .. she was cremated. I don't know if her remains are going into a urn or what. The vultures and vampires from "family" still chap my backside. I know that I can't control their behavior, but I can (insert cuss word here) make sure that my contact is VLC to full ghost. Toxic is toxic. I'm so weary of toxic.
Lunch over. Gotta go get back after it again. Wishing all here, all the best.
Been a few days since I've written. Lots of good things going on and some not so much. The good: started going to a new chiropractor had my 2nd appt yesterday. Visible progress from 1st appt to yesterday. He's given me exercises to do to help myself. they do help more than I would have thought. Left shoulder was 1/4-1/2 higher than my right, left hip lower than my right and a nice twist thrown in. Yeah. As he adjusts my body, more and more crap comes up for me to process on the emotional side. PC nailed it, have to be holistic in approach. Mind, body, spirit. a trinity of a sort yeah? I have another appt this fri. Interesting thing I've noticed as well. The nights after an adjustment, my BP is lower than on the days where I didn't have one. Never thought that my pain tolerance would actually be a detriment. I've been looking into the body posture required for having a shield on my left while my right was free, and my body fell into that over the years of being at war in the place that should have been my peace.
As more fecal matter comes to the surface to process, the fears come along sometimes. Maybe it's because I grew up when the cold war was still going on and I was in the blast radius of a ICBM with the military targets in the area if the cold war went hot . there are some things I can take action on which helps, and then there is other stuff that I have nothing to do with, it's outside my control. On those things, taking what steps I can in case of X helps a great deal. Was a regular thing on the farm to have bad nasty blizzards, not every year but often enough to prepare for them. Same with floods. Not every year but often enough that we would build berms, water catch areas, and do what we could. For blizzards, putting in snow fences, evergreen trees as a snow brake, even to the point of which color we would use for the roof singles and pitch. Wanted something that would pull heat from the sun during the winter without being cooked in the summer. The pitch was so the snow would slide off so we didn't have to worry about structural issues from the weight of the snow. Food, fuel, generator, keeping the equipment we would be depending on in running shape. And dare I say faith. Faith that somehow, someway, it could be figured out. because as long as your breathing and willing to take action, there was a chance. As soon as you stopped, that's when a bad situation would definitely get worse. As such, I have no idea how much snow / mud / dirt I've shoveled. Flood debris moved, or any of that. It was only clean up after the emergency passed.
That's what it seems like to me at the moment. That the clean up stage has started. Spiritual in place, mind is doing pretty alright, and now the body is getting healed up.
The sister that passed .. she was cremated. I don't know if her remains are going into a urn or what. The vultures and vampires from "family" still chap my backside. I know that I can't control their behavior, but I can (insert cuss word here) make sure that my contact is VLC to full ghost. Toxic is toxic. I'm so weary of toxic.
Lunch over. Gotta go get back after it again. Wishing all here, all the best.
#73
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Dark.art.girl - October 29, 2025, 04:37:56 PMPapa Coco,
No one deserves to feel like this. Things we can't control are terrifying, like the unknown. Especially if you are feeling vulnerable.
I kind of understand what you're going through in a way. I've noticed that when I feel like I'm doing well mentally I try to control other aspects of my life and get scared or agitated over whether or not it goes my way. It's definitely a constant battle.
Sending love & safety your way.
No one deserves to feel like this. Things we can't control are terrifying, like the unknown. Especially if you are feeling vulnerable.
I kind of understand what you're going through in a way. I've noticed that when I feel like I'm doing well mentally I try to control other aspects of my life and get scared or agitated over whether or not it goes my way. It's definitely a constant battle.
Sending love & safety your way.
#74
Therapy / Re: Therapy directly on a core...
Last post by Kizzie - October 29, 2025, 04:30:56 PMHey BB, what helped me and I think I've posted about it and talked about it in the Zoom groups is that I kept asking myself the question "Am I that bad?" for a period and one day I had an epiphany, almost a bolt of lighting that "No, I am actually a good person, decent, kind, honest, etc" because when I asked the question I would then compare myself to my abusers, the abusers I read about on this forum and in the news and I was nowhere near that. I had value and worth despite or maybe because of my abuse.
I think of you as a really decent person (e.g., look at all the time and effort you've put into helping me with this forum over the years
), and how you try to learn and make every effort to recover. You don't see any of our abusers here making that kind of effort that's for sure.
Anyway, I just had that wonderful, freeing thought one day that it's ridiculous (and sad) that I or any of us should feel less than, bad, etc. Challenging those kind of thoughts was a great strategy for getting rid of them.
Hope this is helpful!
I think of you as a really decent person (e.g., look at all the time and effort you've put into helping me with this forum over the years
), and how you try to learn and make every effort to recover. You don't see any of our abusers here making that kind of effort that's for sure. Anyway, I just had that wonderful, freeing thought one day that it's ridiculous (and sad) that I or any of us should feel less than, bad, etc. Challenging those kind of thoughts was a great strategy for getting rid of them.
Hope this is helpful!
#75
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Why now?
Last post by Dark.art.girl - October 29, 2025, 04:21:21 PMMy deepest apologies for not replying until now. Life truly is a whirlwind and I'm one of the most inconsistent people on this website, I feel like I just dumped my feelings and left. But I'm discovering that I kind of just distract myself with work, school, or social media until my feelings catch up to me and I have to actually acknowledge them.
You all are completely right. Chart, you're so kind. Your encouragement means a lot even now. Papa Coco, if you end up seeing this, I'd love to read whatever you're reading. I'm tired of holding on or not working through whatever it is I feel and going through the cycle of having to feel everything all over again once it inevitably pops up in my life. And to Kizzie and Armee, thank you for helping me to feel a bit more normal about it.
I never sent the letter, yet I almost daily consider it. It's come to my attention that one of the legal cases involving a couple of perpetrators (I'm looking back on my life and realizing how many there actually were) may have gone completely unresolved despite someone telling me there was some kind of justice served previously. It's made me feel a sense of injustice for every event that transpired over the years as NONE of those who participated in my abuse or grooming ever got caught or put away, including my mother--she nearly faced charges herself and I've now accepted she's also a predator. I know that rarely happens, and no amount of "justice" will ever really fix it. I'm just left here realizing how much of my life was taken away from me because of how dark and endless it was. The wound feels so fresh now. I'm exhausted every day. Intimacy is a complete no-go. Motivation is low.
How did it take up so much of my life and I couldn't even tell? I'm so blessed to be in a position where I have opportunities and normalcy but that's where it makes itself more apparent to me and those I love. I'm so sorry to anyone else who has had to experience this because the worst part is barely understanding it. The triggers feel new, the pain feels fresh. I don't even know where to begin. There were so many memories I blocked out that have unraveled in front of me.
I can still smile and laugh a bit though which I appreciate. I didn't know if I should've started a new thread so I just replied to this one. I hope you all have been doing well and are feeling optimistic going forward with the holidays coming. Thank you again for your responses, I promised they didn't go unread.
You all are completely right. Chart, you're so kind. Your encouragement means a lot even now. Papa Coco, if you end up seeing this, I'd love to read whatever you're reading. I'm tired of holding on or not working through whatever it is I feel and going through the cycle of having to feel everything all over again once it inevitably pops up in my life. And to Kizzie and Armee, thank you for helping me to feel a bit more normal about it.
I never sent the letter, yet I almost daily consider it. It's come to my attention that one of the legal cases involving a couple of perpetrators (I'm looking back on my life and realizing how many there actually were) may have gone completely unresolved despite someone telling me there was some kind of justice served previously. It's made me feel a sense of injustice for every event that transpired over the years as NONE of those who participated in my abuse or grooming ever got caught or put away, including my mother--she nearly faced charges herself and I've now accepted she's also a predator. I know that rarely happens, and no amount of "justice" will ever really fix it. I'm just left here realizing how much of my life was taken away from me because of how dark and endless it was. The wound feels so fresh now. I'm exhausted every day. Intimacy is a complete no-go. Motivation is low.
How did it take up so much of my life and I couldn't even tell? I'm so blessed to be in a position where I have opportunities and normalcy but that's where it makes itself more apparent to me and those I love. I'm so sorry to anyone else who has had to experience this because the worst part is barely understanding it. The triggers feel new, the pain feels fresh. I don't even know where to begin. There were so many memories I blocked out that have unraveled in front of me.
I can still smile and laugh a bit though which I appreciate. I didn't know if I should've started a new thread so I just replied to this one. I hope you all have been doing well and are feeling optimistic going forward with the holidays coming. Thank you again for your responses, I promised they didn't go unread.
#76
Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Re: CPTSD and healthy partners...
Last post by Kizzie - October 29, 2025, 04:15:42 PMHey Marcine, I too have been married for 35+ years and part of what helped us is that we both come from a background of relational trauma. Before we knew what it was we had been through it caused problems but we figured it out together and that helped a lot.
It's a bit dicey starting a relationship with someone who is a trauma survivor but if they are working on recovering it can end up being a strength. My H and I are able to talk openly when one or the other's symptoms kick in and that means we are able to ground ourselves rather than expend energy hiding our feelings.
I don't know that this is much help given the underlying suggestion here is to find a fellow recovering survivor
My other suggestion would be to work on boundaries and taking care of you versus everyone else. That way you'll likely notice/attract more men who are healthier rather than being drawn to or attracting those who have unresolved trauma or are abusive.
Just some thoughts, I hope they help!
It's a bit dicey starting a relationship with someone who is a trauma survivor but if they are working on recovering it can end up being a strength. My H and I are able to talk openly when one or the other's symptoms kick in and that means we are able to ground ourselves rather than expend energy hiding our feelings.
I don't know that this is much help given the underlying suggestion here is to find a fellow recovering survivor
My other suggestion would be to work on boundaries and taking care of you versus everyone else. That way you'll likely notice/attract more men who are healthier rather than being drawn to or attracting those who have unresolved trauma or are abusive. Just some thoughts, I hope they help!
#77
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by StartingHealing - October 29, 2025, 04:06:51 PM #78
Therapy / Re: Meeting with a new therapi...
Last post by Kizzie - October 29, 2025, 04:04:54 PMHey Beet, we have some forms and resources that might be useful here - https://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads.
Note that there's one "Locating a Therapist" that has questions you can ask.
Good luck!
Kizzie
Note that there's one "Locating a Therapist" that has questions you can ask.
Good luck!
Kizzie
#79
Music / Re: Poem set to music
Last post by Kizzie - October 29, 2025, 04:01:19 PMColour me impressed! I did not know AI could do that either.
#80
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - October 29, 2025, 03:33:09 PMI'm getting better and worse at the same time.
As I age, and participate in every CPTSD therapy I can afford, I'm getting better and worse at the same time. I'm mentally healthier than ever. I can find firm ground in most situations now. My EFs are fewer and shorter and less frightening than ever. Meanwhile, my real-world fears are getting worse and closer to the surface.
I live in a community that has a newly formed family of very large bears in it. I have not yet seen one, but all my neighbors have. And I've had to pickup piles of their skat from my yard only feet from my bedroom window, and I've had to clean up my garbage can mess a few times. As Climate Change dries out the berries in the surrounding forests, these bears have moved into town and are now living off our garbage bins like smorgasbords. It's a community of mostly elderly people or beachgoing cabin owners. These elderly people walk the streets with tiny dogs on leashes at all hours of the night and day, and so far, nobody's been hurt by one of these 400-pound bears. But yesterday, I tried to go for a walk. I left the house, got to the end of the driveway, looked up and down the street. Nobody was anywhere. This is a very quiet community built in the woods just off the beach. I was too scared to take my walk. "It's autumn: Bears are in hibernation mode, fattening up for winter, and I'm all alone out here." I own bear spray, but don't trust it will stop a 400 pounder. So I went back inside and started inventorying all the ways I'm changing my life because of growing fears of everything that moves.
I'm getting scared of everything.
I'm changing all my behaviors because my surface fears of survival are all heating up. Meanwhile, I'm getting healthier in other ways, so I'm confused. Am I getting better or worse? I think both.
I suspect some of my newer fears are not that uncommon for those of us who are getting older and less able to defend ourselves. (As a younger man, I would have believed I could outrun a bear. I couldn't, but I would have believed I could). I now know the reality of all the people dying in severe weather or geological events, car crashes, mall shootings, road rage, animal attacks, political attacks... My fears used to be of not being accepted or of being humiliated or insulted, or expected to do things I don't want to do. Now my fears of real-world dangers that are swarming around me more than they used to.
Some animals will go off and hide when they get sick or injured because they suddenly feel less able to defend themselves against their own herds. That's how I feel now. I'm hiding behind locked doors because the world outside is scaring me like never before. I'm afraid of my own herd and my own environment. My knees hurt so I can't run. I'm weaker than when I was younger so I don't know if I could even fight for myself. My reflexes are slowing, strength is waning, and my ability to know what the heck is even happening around me is dulling. So I'm getting more scared as I age.
But I don't think nature is the only reason> I think a life of living in the trauma of fear is catching up to me. I've always been scared, but I've also felt stronger and faster. Now I'm still scared, but I feel vulnerable and unprotected.
I don't like this. Life is hard enough to enjoy without phobias, fears and suspicions. Adding those to an already stressful existence is making me scared of being scared.
I'm a phobia-phobe. I'm afraid of fear itself.
What's scaring me now is wondering, where does this road lead? Will I just keep getting worse as I get better?
As I age, and participate in every CPTSD therapy I can afford, I'm getting better and worse at the same time. I'm mentally healthier than ever. I can find firm ground in most situations now. My EFs are fewer and shorter and less frightening than ever. Meanwhile, my real-world fears are getting worse and closer to the surface.
I live in a community that has a newly formed family of very large bears in it. I have not yet seen one, but all my neighbors have. And I've had to pickup piles of their skat from my yard only feet from my bedroom window, and I've had to clean up my garbage can mess a few times. As Climate Change dries out the berries in the surrounding forests, these bears have moved into town and are now living off our garbage bins like smorgasbords. It's a community of mostly elderly people or beachgoing cabin owners. These elderly people walk the streets with tiny dogs on leashes at all hours of the night and day, and so far, nobody's been hurt by one of these 400-pound bears. But yesterday, I tried to go for a walk. I left the house, got to the end of the driveway, looked up and down the street. Nobody was anywhere. This is a very quiet community built in the woods just off the beach. I was too scared to take my walk. "It's autumn: Bears are in hibernation mode, fattening up for winter, and I'm all alone out here." I own bear spray, but don't trust it will stop a 400 pounder. So I went back inside and started inventorying all the ways I'm changing my life because of growing fears of everything that moves.
- The bears have made me afraid to walk or ride a bike in my neighborhood.
- My evil sister, the most abusive human I've known personally, moved to just a few blocks away from me and now I'm afraid to be in my own yard in case the old monster drives by to check on whether I'm home or not.
- I hide in my house now. I'm afraid of people casing my house, so I'm always hiding my car in the garage with the garage door always closed so nobody knows if I'm home or not.
- I'm afraid of criminals, ex relatives, bullies, trump supporters with guns, ICE, (and I'm not even an immigrant).
- I'm afraid of getting shot at in road rage or malls or public places.
- I'm afraid of bears and racoons.
- I'm afraid of the government.
- I'm afraid of the phone when it rings, or the doorbell.
- I'm now becoming afraid of eating food made in restaurant kitchens.
- My beautiful, quiet, woodsy community was wiped out 325 years ago by a tsunami and now they're really driving in the fear of another one coming at any time. So now I make peace with life each night at bedtime just in case I wake up under water.
I'm getting scared of everything.
I'm changing all my behaviors because my surface fears of survival are all heating up. Meanwhile, I'm getting healthier in other ways, so I'm confused. Am I getting better or worse? I think both.
I suspect some of my newer fears are not that uncommon for those of us who are getting older and less able to defend ourselves. (As a younger man, I would have believed I could outrun a bear. I couldn't, but I would have believed I could). I now know the reality of all the people dying in severe weather or geological events, car crashes, mall shootings, road rage, animal attacks, political attacks... My fears used to be of not being accepted or of being humiliated or insulted, or expected to do things I don't want to do. Now my fears of real-world dangers that are swarming around me more than they used to.
Some animals will go off and hide when they get sick or injured because they suddenly feel less able to defend themselves against their own herds. That's how I feel now. I'm hiding behind locked doors because the world outside is scaring me like never before. I'm afraid of my own herd and my own environment. My knees hurt so I can't run. I'm weaker than when I was younger so I don't know if I could even fight for myself. My reflexes are slowing, strength is waning, and my ability to know what the heck is even happening around me is dulling. So I'm getting more scared as I age.
But I don't think nature is the only reason> I think a life of living in the trauma of fear is catching up to me. I've always been scared, but I've also felt stronger and faster. Now I'm still scared, but I feel vulnerable and unprotected.
I don't like this. Life is hard enough to enjoy without phobias, fears and suspicions. Adding those to an already stressful existence is making me scared of being scared.
I'm a phobia-phobe. I'm afraid of fear itself.
What's scaring me now is wondering, where does this road lead? Will I just keep getting worse as I get better?