Recent posts
#61
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by dollyvee - October 30, 2025, 06:49:32 PMThat's great Bach 
I hope you're able to talk to, befriend, and have compassion for those parts.
I'm really happy for you that you stuck with exploring something that seemed fuzzy, or untrue. Like Blueberry said these sound like big realizations.
Sending you support,
dolly
I hope you're able to talk to, befriend, and have compassion for those parts. I'm really happy for you that you stuck with exploring something that seemed fuzzy, or untrue. Like Blueberry said these sound like big realizations.
Sending you support,
dolly
#62
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by NarcKiddo - October 30, 2025, 04:43:41 PMIt's good to hear of your progress. I loathe the holiday season. It's all downhill from my birthday at the beginning of October right through to early March. All the FOO birthdays are Feb/March which is why the season is so long for me. But I think lots of people struggle with the holidays. That's of no practical comfort but at least you are not alone. 
#63
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by sanmagic7 - October 30, 2025, 01:00:04 PMi agree, PC, that with age the feeling of empowerment lessens. we aren't as strong as we used to be, i know i'm not mentally as quick as before in sorting things out, coming up w/ viable solutions, not as quick on my feet - i couldn't outrun a baby anymore. as someone once said, growing older is not for . . . well, everyone, i guess, yet it's inevitable that we grow older so we have to make adjustments, including adjusting to the facts that we're not the way we used to be. it's tough stuff, for sure.
driving has been a rough one for me. i used to drive across the country by myself to visit another country, take weekend trips on my own to other parts of my country, enjoyed the freedom of being on the road alone, and had no cares or worries about what might happen. that is not my truth anymore. there are a few places around town i feel ok in driving to and from, but otherwise anxiety grips me. what was is no more in so many ways.
like i've said before to others - hang tough - i'm hangin' right beside you. you're not alone is this. love and hugs
driving has been a rough one for me. i used to drive across the country by myself to visit another country, take weekend trips on my own to other parts of my country, enjoyed the freedom of being on the road alone, and had no cares or worries about what might happen. that is not my truth anymore. there are a few places around town i feel ok in driving to and from, but otherwise anxiety grips me. what was is no more in so many ways.
like i've said before to others - hang tough - i'm hangin' right beside you. you're not alone is this. love and hugs
#64
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by sanmagic7 - October 30, 2025, 12:48:12 PMi agree with blueberry, bach. hang tough, ok? we're hangin' right beside you. you're not alone in this. i found many relatable thoughts in what you wrote. sending love and a big hug filled w/ care and comfort. 
#65
Therapy / Re: Therapy directly on a core...
Last post by Marcine - October 30, 2025, 03:31:37 AMI continue to mull on your original questions, Blueberry. And today the response I can offer— to myself and you, if it resonates— is: grieving... that natural, inconvenient, powerful, cyclical, depressing, uncontrollable, uplifting, infuriating, paradoxical, hopeless, freeing, wordless human emotional healing process.
I grieve for what I had to bear and all I never received, for what I needed and will never have, for who I had to be and who I never got to become.
I was never allowed to grieve, had to survive.
Now I feel stuff and it's so delayed and layered and unfamiliar that I can only jam it in the category of "BAD" and "WRONG".
My therapist reminds me that grieving does not have a time frame. That it is a normal part of the healing process. That I do not need to "neutralize" it or try to fight it. He says this grieving is the unwrapping of cumulative awareness of loss. Hearing this brings sadness to my heart... so I grieve that I could never grieve... and I trust I can feel my way forward.
I grieve for what I had to bear and all I never received, for what I needed and will never have, for who I had to be and who I never got to become.
I was never allowed to grieve, had to survive.
Now I feel stuff and it's so delayed and layered and unfamiliar that I can only jam it in the category of "BAD" and "WRONG".
My therapist reminds me that grieving does not have a time frame. That it is a normal part of the healing process. That I do not need to "neutralize" it or try to fight it. He says this grieving is the unwrapping of cumulative awareness of loss. Hearing this brings sadness to my heart... so I grieve that I could never grieve... and I trust I can feel my way forward.
#66
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / (Warning: PA, SA , EA talked a...
Last post by trying2c - October 29, 2025, 10:01:03 PM
Hi,
I am struggling more than I can express. . I live in group home now, due to difficulties that I have cognitively & managing things in my life. I am lucky, I have my own bedroom (and bathroom inside), I lucked out there!!
Drawbacks are sharing the house with 3 other disabled adults. We all have different issues. Physical and emotional.
A housemate of mine has an emotional disability, which can lead to loss of self control. He reached that point a couple weeks ago with me, and he walked by me furiously ~ his eyes were stuck on me, throwing darts until he got throughthegarage door. It was scary.. especially because I was talking with one of the caregivers right then about how I am at a place where I am *really struggling* with my memories of an abusive childhood.
As supper came up, I was really scared. Very hesitant to join the others to eat & take meds. I waited around 10 minutes, and then went to the table. Unfortunately, my housemate wasn't done with his supper yet.. and my "place" at the table is right across from him.
I stared down to my plate almost the entire meal, minus a few glances at another housemate (who I'm on good terms with). She was glancing back & forth between him and I. Foolishly, I glanced at him once. Trigger warning: PA ((**He was staring at me with dark, evil, and scary eyes. It was exactly like my brother stared at me, as he was on top of me, as we reached the end of a fight). Mark's hands were held tightly around my neck, squeezing. But the scariest part were the most evil eyes I have EVER seen! He enjoyed seeing me in that position.. having complete power, maybe. I swear to God, as my witness, my brother ~ and that housemate ~ wanted me to die.))
About 2 weeks later now, and my housemate is back. I've been very scared for the entire time, dreading when he'd come home & knowing that it'd be any day. The caregivers just don't seem to understand how I feel. They assure me that my housemate is in a much better place. He's on good meds, talked with several helpers, etc.
I understand that intellectually. And I can appreciate that. However, I am still struggling. I'm kinda stuck reliving seeing those eyes looking at me & feeling the terror. The caregivers have absolutely NO comprehension of that freaking *terror*
To make things even better
Today is my brother's birthday. (Not that I ever celebrate it) I kept waking up to night terrors. 
I've been seriously scared since I got up 9 hours ago. I just want to hide away.But these dang memories. Not just memories of what my brother did to me .. but clear memories of how he abused his girlfriends ~ emotionally (& I often worried about them physically). Every time I remember these things, I'm filled with intense fear, sorrow that my parents never believed or supported me & looked the other way as Mark abused each of us.
And I feel guilty that I did not protect his girlfriends. No one deserves the * that he put them through. When I got to be mid-teen to early 20s, I strongly encouraged his girlfriends to leave. I told them that Mark was wrong. They are decent, beautiful women! They did NOT ever deserve that EA.
I should have done more... Maybe that's why my emotions are so intense. I just can't seem to get through & over my childhood & adolescence.
Sorry this is so long... I am alone. I do have a psychologist. But, I can't get in to see him until next week ~ he is SO busy! In the meantime, I honestly don't know how to make it through. I did tell a friend about it earlier. He recommended that I go for a walk, or talk to my daughters about it. That's not happening!
Feeling terrified, just "going for a walk" isn't going to help very much. Especially because I have to walk by my housemate, who I really do need to avoid seeing fir a little bit.
If you made it all the way through, I thank you dearly.
#67
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Blueberry - October 29, 2025, 09:21:25 PM Sounds like big realisations Bach. And in my experience, progress/growth follows such realisations. #68
Recovery Journals / Trigger Warning: Mentions of s...
Last post by Bach - October 29, 2025, 08:22:05 PMI thought I was having signs in the past week of coming out of the extended EF, but I think what's happening is that I've shifted to a different part of my history. A different younger me. Perhaps the one who survived being strangled and then suffered the recovery from that flu. That seems right. It makes the assumption that my invented timeline is right and the flu did indeed follow closely the strangling incident, but even if it didn't happen exactly like that, I'm quite certain that the strangling incident changed me.
A few years ago when I was exploring the idea that I have younger selves, I defined the self who emerged after the strangling as Middle B. Still a child, almost the same as Little B, but with a sense of fatalism. I think my intrusive thoughts of "I want to die", "I wish I was dead", "Pretty soon I'm going to kill myself", "Why do I have to be here?", "Why am I even alive?", "Why do I have to live?" etc., originated with Middle B. I think that I sensed that my mother wanted to be rid of me, and that wanting to die was in a weird way an attempt to please her. I think maybe my EF situation is that I'm moving from Little B to Middle B, which is why for several weeks I was full of anxiety and preoccupied with being banished or abandoned, and now I'm just feeling broken and inert and not viable as a person.
#69
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - October 29, 2025, 07:09:32 PMDark.Art.Girl,
That was a profound comment: When you're feeling well mentally, you try to control other aspects and get scared or agitated.
I'm going to ponder this one for a while. Good food for thought
Also, I just figured out a few minutes ago, that empowerment is a fear-buster. I've been in situations where to help someone else, I needed to go into the worst parts of town unarmed. During those times, I wasn't even remotely afraid. I was one of the helpers. I felt empowered. The more empowered I feel, the less fear i carry. I guess that makes sense, right? Empowerment is the opposite of afraid.
As I age, I lose more and more feeling of empowerment, so therefore, the fear grows in the spaces where the empowerment vacates.
Food for thought.
Thanks for the love from you, and also from StartingHealing.
That was a profound comment: When you're feeling well mentally, you try to control other aspects and get scared or agitated.
I'm going to ponder this one for a while. Good food for thought
Also, I just figured out a few minutes ago, that empowerment is a fear-buster. I've been in situations where to help someone else, I needed to go into the worst parts of town unarmed. During those times, I wasn't even remotely afraid. I was one of the helpers. I felt empowered. The more empowered I feel, the less fear i carry. I guess that makes sense, right? Empowerment is the opposite of afraid.
As I age, I lose more and more feeling of empowerment, so therefore, the fear grows in the spaces where the empowerment vacates.
Food for thought.
Thanks for the love from you, and also from StartingHealing.
#70
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by Little2Nothing - October 29, 2025, 06:45:32 PMIt has been a while since I last checked in. Life moves inexorably forward.
I do want to report that I have been making good progress in relation to my cptsd. The EMDR seems to help even if it seems it shouldn't. I find myself less apt to lose my patience, though at times it is a struggle. The feelings of aloneness are less frequent, but not less disturbing when they come.
The aloneness has been a consistent part of my life. Though I can now shake myself out of it on occasion it wins more than not. I am grateful for the progress. There is so much damage that has to be undone. I have to keep reminding myself that healing is a process. It takes time.
We are moving into the holiday season, which usually takes its toll on me. Every year I am determined to do better and every year I fail. I at least have a consistent track record. haha I am hoping this year will be different, or at least better.
One blessing for me is that all the people who harmed me have passed so I don't have to deal with them anymore. However, the lingering memories and past pain have not died with them. Memory is harder to conquer, but I am getting there.
That's all I wanted to say. I am grateful for everyone here.
I do want to report that I have been making good progress in relation to my cptsd. The EMDR seems to help even if it seems it shouldn't. I find myself less apt to lose my patience, though at times it is a struggle. The feelings of aloneness are less frequent, but not less disturbing when they come.
The aloneness has been a consistent part of my life. Though I can now shake myself out of it on occasion it wins more than not. I am grateful for the progress. There is so much damage that has to be undone. I have to keep reminding myself that healing is a process. It takes time.
We are moving into the holiday season, which usually takes its toll on me. Every year I am determined to do better and every year I fail. I at least have a consistent track record. haha I am hoping this year will be different, or at least better.
One blessing for me is that all the people who harmed me have passed so I don't have to deal with them anymore. However, the lingering memories and past pain have not died with them. Memory is harder to conquer, but I am getting there.
That's all I wanted to say. I am grateful for everyone here.