Recent posts
#61
Recovery Journals / Healing self and child
Last post by Yael - September 09, 2025, 09:19:24 AMThis is Matilda. Now Yael.
I was in great turmoil. As you all noticed. I started to speak up. Withdraw out of shame over betraying my family. Speak up. Withdraw. I decided to leave the forum and heal first. Things are more stable now. But still sad. I like to write about healing here. I chose a new name. I did not want to end up at Matilda251, Matilda252, etc. And wanted a fresh start.
I am working hard on my medical situation. I eat well, sleep well. I am organising a much needed surgery. I had severe anemia for years. Begged for help. And finally had an iron IV. It threw me out of whack for a month. But now it's good. And I have more energy, more positivity, and especlally a clearer mind. And stabler mood. My emotions are still bothering me - I am mourning. But I can easily control them. Kid says he notices I am happier.
I am also working on keeping my house and garden better. It's a weak spot. To clean up when I feel low, is hard. I know it is important for my kid. So I'm working hard. And I have a few nice people around me. A few nice friends. Even if not many. I learned to be myself. And that has value.
Kid and I still see each other the same amount. And we went on a holiday together. It was 10 days. In a city just across the border. Few hours by train. Kid loves big cities. We went to a football match, karting and shopping. As he loves. We went to see small nerdy books and board game shops and parks. As I love. And we went out for dinners and drinks. As we both love.
We had a good time. I think. I was stable enough emotionally to go. There is things I am happy about. Kid is growing more confident and independent. He is kind. And he seems cheerful. We joke with each other a lot. There's also worry. I don't know what is teen boy stuff, and what is trauma stuff. But I feel he's a bit withdrawn. On his phone a lot. Sleeping out late. Suppressing emotions. And in a parentified position. I don't like that.
I decided to put my full focus on me and kid. Should have done that ages ago. Therapy for us will start soon.
This also means I fully let go of family. They don't care. I stopped reaching out to my brothers and the others. And I introduced yellow rock. Now grey rock. With dad.
I think dad's core is not narcissism. But severe avoidant attachment. With narcissistic behaviour in conflict. I am warmer to the cashiers in the supermarket than to dad. I just exchange practicallities. And if he starts his games, I tell him I am not going there and will call back another time. And hang up. It saddens me to my core. Because I also see his good sides if the walls are down a bit. But there is no other way. All my reaching out was only hurting us all. Dad tells CPS we are doing better now. I think he's delusional. His daughter went no contact. And he either did not notice and did not care. Or plays tough and pretends not to notice and not to care.
I see he does mind when he loses control. The strange things is...he rarely shows normal love. Outside of doing something practical now and then, which he always uses against me for months after. Saying I'm ungrateful because he does so much for me. But when I said I decided on solo parallel parenting, he seemed scared. Dad doesn't show emotion openly. But I noticed it stressed him. He protested. He said I could not just decide that. That he had a say too. That he would make CPS not do that. He then went back to "i don't care" modus. But I saw the fear. It puzzles me. I reached out five billion times and dids a ton of attempts at systems therapy. Me and kid went through great pain because he blocked everything. Now I say: fine, we do it your way. Parallel parenting it is. No contact. No systems therapy. And he protests it isn't fair?!? And suddenly wants systems therapy?
I notice he also doesn't like the part where I don't interfere in his home, but he cannot control my home either. He shielded everything in his home for years. I had no information, no say, no sight on how my child was raised. He even was planning a trip to Africa with my son. Without discussion. I have sole custody. And he ignored that. Now I shield my home as well. He started to question me over things that happened here. I said I'm not going there, this is my house and my kid. And he got mad. He played this avoidance for years, to my despair. Now I put a boundary and I'm independent. I don't see any attempts to repair our bond. I do see he secretly dislikes losing control.
I need to make an ultimate decision in a week. I'm scared to truly let go. I love my dad. A lot. But I cannot love someone hidden in a bunker throwing rocks at me. I still think I should be gentle and kind and patient. But he keeps breaking our hearts. I find it so, so, so hard to make this final. To give up trying. It makes me feel I go against my faith too.
CPS will take another year to decide what should happen. I have to get things in order. A foster family is no option for them. I don't think anything is going to change. Dad will fight me to death to keep my kid. I genuinely don't know what is best for kid now. I will at least focus on making the situation on my side better. So that I don't let them throw me out of balance anymore. That is on me.
I mourn the loss of everything. Maybe if I had changed better, earlier, I could have protected my kid. And healed myself and my family.
I wish to write here about my goals. And how I keep them. I want to be myself again as person and mother. Have it good. In a simple way. Today will be cleaning. Writing to CPS. I have to give feedback to a plan. And kid will be here. I want the house cleaned.
I was in great turmoil. As you all noticed. I started to speak up. Withdraw out of shame over betraying my family. Speak up. Withdraw. I decided to leave the forum and heal first. Things are more stable now. But still sad. I like to write about healing here. I chose a new name. I did not want to end up at Matilda251, Matilda252, etc. And wanted a fresh start.
I am working hard on my medical situation. I eat well, sleep well. I am organising a much needed surgery. I had severe anemia for years. Begged for help. And finally had an iron IV. It threw me out of whack for a month. But now it's good. And I have more energy, more positivity, and especlally a clearer mind. And stabler mood. My emotions are still bothering me - I am mourning. But I can easily control them. Kid says he notices I am happier.
I am also working on keeping my house and garden better. It's a weak spot. To clean up when I feel low, is hard. I know it is important for my kid. So I'm working hard. And I have a few nice people around me. A few nice friends. Even if not many. I learned to be myself. And that has value.
Kid and I still see each other the same amount. And we went on a holiday together. It was 10 days. In a city just across the border. Few hours by train. Kid loves big cities. We went to a football match, karting and shopping. As he loves. We went to see small nerdy books and board game shops and parks. As I love. And we went out for dinners and drinks. As we both love.
We had a good time. I think. I was stable enough emotionally to go. There is things I am happy about. Kid is growing more confident and independent. He is kind. And he seems cheerful. We joke with each other a lot. There's also worry. I don't know what is teen boy stuff, and what is trauma stuff. But I feel he's a bit withdrawn. On his phone a lot. Sleeping out late. Suppressing emotions. And in a parentified position. I don't like that.
I decided to put my full focus on me and kid. Should have done that ages ago. Therapy for us will start soon.
This also means I fully let go of family. They don't care. I stopped reaching out to my brothers and the others. And I introduced yellow rock. Now grey rock. With dad.
I think dad's core is not narcissism. But severe avoidant attachment. With narcissistic behaviour in conflict. I am warmer to the cashiers in the supermarket than to dad. I just exchange practicallities. And if he starts his games, I tell him I am not going there and will call back another time. And hang up. It saddens me to my core. Because I also see his good sides if the walls are down a bit. But there is no other way. All my reaching out was only hurting us all. Dad tells CPS we are doing better now. I think he's delusional. His daughter went no contact. And he either did not notice and did not care. Or plays tough and pretends not to notice and not to care.
I see he does mind when he loses control. The strange things is...he rarely shows normal love. Outside of doing something practical now and then, which he always uses against me for months after. Saying I'm ungrateful because he does so much for me. But when I said I decided on solo parallel parenting, he seemed scared. Dad doesn't show emotion openly. But I noticed it stressed him. He protested. He said I could not just decide that. That he had a say too. That he would make CPS not do that. He then went back to "i don't care" modus. But I saw the fear. It puzzles me. I reached out five billion times and dids a ton of attempts at systems therapy. Me and kid went through great pain because he blocked everything. Now I say: fine, we do it your way. Parallel parenting it is. No contact. No systems therapy. And he protests it isn't fair?!? And suddenly wants systems therapy?
I notice he also doesn't like the part where I don't interfere in his home, but he cannot control my home either. He shielded everything in his home for years. I had no information, no say, no sight on how my child was raised. He even was planning a trip to Africa with my son. Without discussion. I have sole custody. And he ignored that. Now I shield my home as well. He started to question me over things that happened here. I said I'm not going there, this is my house and my kid. And he got mad. He played this avoidance for years, to my despair. Now I put a boundary and I'm independent. I don't see any attempts to repair our bond. I do see he secretly dislikes losing control.
I need to make an ultimate decision in a week. I'm scared to truly let go. I love my dad. A lot. But I cannot love someone hidden in a bunker throwing rocks at me. I still think I should be gentle and kind and patient. But he keeps breaking our hearts. I find it so, so, so hard to make this final. To give up trying. It makes me feel I go against my faith too.
CPS will take another year to decide what should happen. I have to get things in order. A foster family is no option for them. I don't think anything is going to change. Dad will fight me to death to keep my kid. I genuinely don't know what is best for kid now. I will at least focus on making the situation on my side better. So that I don't let them throw me out of balance anymore. That is on me.
I mourn the loss of everything. Maybe if I had changed better, earlier, I could have protected my kid. And healed myself and my family.
I wish to write here about my goals. And how I keep them. I want to be myself again as person and mother. Have it good. In a simple way. Today will be cleaning. Writing to CPS. I have to give feedback to a plan. And kid will be here. I want the house cleaned.
#62
Successes, Progress? / Re: new apartment & therapy
Last post by Blueberry - September 09, 2025, 06:52:28 AMCongrats on the new apartment 
Hope things are working out better and easier with new provider than you might have feared.
Hope things are working out better and easier with new provider than you might have feared.
#63
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by Blueberry - September 09, 2025, 06:48:19 AMPrescriptions for meds paid for!
#64
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - September 08, 2025, 02:09:03 AMHi Chart.
The trick was to brace a breaker bar with the proper sized socket against a frame member and bump the starter.
I'm glad that you had a good laugh. Alan Watts had the idea that laughter was a short cut to get out of the "ego" for a moment.
I've always known that humans are a pattern replication machine. Programming gets implanted and then that pattern repeats. Add in the power of language, I mean hypnosis is a state of suggestibility that is brought about language, which makes me wonder about how language gets used to do mind / emotional / spiritual manipulation on unsuspecting people. If one thinks of human society over the span of history with a critical eye, to me it appears at this time that the allegiance to the tribe and the socialization of people to the tribe got hijacked. And like taxes once something became implemented, that something never gets removed. Here in the USA.. just take a look at the federal government. From 1776 till now?
Lordy, what expansion!
Looking at the last 3 serious relationships I've had, the pattern is there in the partners that I choose. That caused me to take a look at the patterns, at the 'why' those particular gals were chosen by me. Then the idea that perhaps, just perhaps, the pattern that I had been following wasn't something innate. That it had been imposed on me. Which I'm still considering.
The algo off a guest YT offered up a video done by Marina Karolova. I watched everything that she has put out and while I don't agree with everything, the ideas she has are intriguing.
I have some prep work to do for work tomorrow.
Wishing all here all the best.
The trick was to brace a breaker bar with the proper sized socket against a frame member and bump the starter.
I'm glad that you had a good laugh. Alan Watts had the idea that laughter was a short cut to get out of the "ego" for a moment.
I've always known that humans are a pattern replication machine. Programming gets implanted and then that pattern repeats. Add in the power of language, I mean hypnosis is a state of suggestibility that is brought about language, which makes me wonder about how language gets used to do mind / emotional / spiritual manipulation on unsuspecting people. If one thinks of human society over the span of history with a critical eye, to me it appears at this time that the allegiance to the tribe and the socialization of people to the tribe got hijacked. And like taxes once something became implemented, that something never gets removed. Here in the USA.. just take a look at the federal government. From 1776 till now?
Lordy, what expansion! Looking at the last 3 serious relationships I've had, the pattern is there in the partners that I choose. That caused me to take a look at the patterns, at the 'why' those particular gals were chosen by me. Then the idea that perhaps, just perhaps, the pattern that I had been following wasn't something innate. That it had been imposed on me. Which I'm still considering.
The algo off a guest YT offered up a video done by Marina Karolova. I watched everything that she has put out and while I don't agree with everything, the ideas she has are intriguing.
I have some prep work to do for work tomorrow.
Wishing all here all the best.
#65
Recovery Journals / Re: TV's Repair Journal
Last post by lowbudgetTV - September 07, 2025, 09:25:06 PMI haven't had much thoughts to write in here since I've sent it. I can say it has arrived a while ago according to the postal tracking, and I haven't heard anything. The sky did not fall. I am alone and happy--blood relation-wise, at least. I've got good friends and community. I've only reflected a little bit on how my mother had treated me since the last interactions... I think deep-down, she knows the truth and doesn't want to work for me anymore. Hopefully--I'd be grateful for that! It's still sad. I'd like a nice mother one day.
It's been lovely weather recently and I've been really nostalgic still. I feel joy and openness for things a bit more again. I've started with my therapist on discussing my inability to feel fully present and open about my emotions, and she's taught me about the types of voices we have. It's kind of helpful. I've also just been doing artistic journaling, though, since my life's purpose is really relegated to doing something creative. (That's kind of why it's important to fully feel!)
It's time to focus on me now I guess. No worries and dread about the obligations. I am virtually an orphan, as I have been for years and years. How nice, and how sad that it is so nice...
It's been lovely weather recently and I've been really nostalgic still. I feel joy and openness for things a bit more again. I've started with my therapist on discussing my inability to feel fully present and open about my emotions, and she's taught me about the types of voices we have. It's kind of helpful. I've also just been doing artistic journaling, though, since my life's purpose is really relegated to doing something creative. (That's kind of why it's important to fully feel!)
It's time to focus on me now I guess. No worries and dread about the obligations. I am virtually an orphan, as I have been for years and years. How nice, and how sad that it is so nice...
#66
Announcements / Re: Zoom Group(s)
Last post by Kizzie - September 07, 2025, 03:34:08 PMJust pinging my post above. Please let me know if you're interested in joining Zoom Grp #3.
#67
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by Dalloway - September 07, 2025, 12:43:02 PMThank you, SenseOrgan, I really appreciate your kindness in these hard times. Yes, I very much agree with you and this is what keeps me going, even if it sometimes seems so meaningless, that through my personal healing and gaining of wisdom I can make changes in the broader world, too. I try not to forget that in my life I need to be in the first place, especially when it comes to healing the traumas, but this is what motivates me the most, the power of wisdom and healing that I can share with those who need it. Everything I do pretty much points into one direction: to make this world (inner and outer) a better place. My personal journey may be about me in the first place, but I like to think that it also benefits other people because, as you put it, we are not an island. My plan of becoming a social worker, which I wrote about, is also part of this bigger picture.
And it´s already changing me as a person in a positive way. I used to be in my head 24/7 and very much isolated from the outside world. All I cared about was my mental and emotional state, which is of course not a bad thing, only that it cut me off from the context I exist in. But with everything that´s happening, I am changing, too. I would have never thought that I have so much integrity and bravery in me that I´m experiencing nowadays. And you know what? My CPTSD, my personal healing journey and experiences of abuse and oppression (even systemic one, since I´m part of a minority ethnic group in a country where we don´t have equal rights with the dominant group), it all helps when it comes to understanding the issues of the world today. Everything I´ve been and am going through gives me extra understanding and compassion. I used to think about my negative experiences and ACEs as something that shouldn´t have happened (I still do in a sense that it was horrible and would never want it to happen to anyone), but it´s also starting to change and now I can value my experiences as something that helps me be more compassionate and helps me build something better for me and for others.
It can feel hopeless sometimes, especially with all the helplessness I´m experiencing, but it makes me want to integrate the pain into something bigger more.
And it´s already changing me as a person in a positive way. I used to be in my head 24/7 and very much isolated from the outside world. All I cared about was my mental and emotional state, which is of course not a bad thing, only that it cut me off from the context I exist in. But with everything that´s happening, I am changing, too. I would have never thought that I have so much integrity and bravery in me that I´m experiencing nowadays. And you know what? My CPTSD, my personal healing journey and experiences of abuse and oppression (even systemic one, since I´m part of a minority ethnic group in a country where we don´t have equal rights with the dominant group), it all helps when it comes to understanding the issues of the world today. Everything I´ve been and am going through gives me extra understanding and compassion. I used to think about my negative experiences and ACEs as something that shouldn´t have happened (I still do in a sense that it was horrible and would never want it to happen to anyone), but it´s also starting to change and now I can value my experiences as something that helps me be more compassionate and helps me build something better for me and for others.
It can feel hopeless sometimes, especially with all the helplessness I´m experiencing, but it makes me want to integrate the pain into something bigger more.
#68
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by Chart - September 07, 2025, 06:30:21 AMQuote from: StartingHealing on September 06, 2025, 07:11:05 PMI'm screwed blued and tattooed out the gate.You gave me a good Sunday morning laugh on that one SH! Thanks!!!
On a positive note however, at least we see it. I'm intrigued and curious still. Taking things apart is as interesting as building something up. I'm appreciating Jung a lot at the moment. All that crapola DOES define me as to what evolution I made. Such are my investigations at the moment.
(And just out of curiosity, the pulley for your timing belt that you were struggling to get off, was it a reverse threaded bolt? What was the "trick" finally? :-)
#69
Therapy / Re: Therapy directly on a core...
Last post by Blueberry - September 07, 2025, 12:55:44 AMToday I read that the problem is possibly that I'm still so disregulated neurologically. I've been taught a lot of co-regulation and of course practised that over the years but not so much self-regulation, tho all those freebie conferences I post are full of methods of self-regulation, I'd just need to actually do them regularly.
#70
Therapy / Re: Therapy directly on a core...
Last post by Blueberry - September 07, 2025, 12:35:12 AMQuote from: Marcine on August 17, 2025, 12:59:03 AM"maybe it's OK to rage too a bit??"
100%!
My preferred arrangement is to wop a fluffy blanket with my old badminton racquet, which makes a satisfying whistle through the air... arms sore and much relieved afterwards.
I say, let it flow
I'm glad that works for you, but unfortunately it doesn't for me. Without an ally and witness, my energy drops very quickly and I go into an inner child in pain.