Recent posts
#61
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - December 15, 2025, 03:24:43 PMfinally feeling better, but it was an awful several weeks. today i go w/ my D to her mental health portion of the 'testing' for her disability claim. we'll see how that goes, but the anxiety is already ramping up. always frickin' something!
#62
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Re-traumatization activate...
Last post by DD - December 15, 2025, 03:20:56 PMYou're right NarcKiddo. The thing that kept me "taking it", so to speak, for so long was precisely because I understood him so well. I know the trauma, and the damage, he refuses to handle. I see the avoidance, the pain, and fear in him. I also know it has nothing to do with me. He's running from his own demons. For a long time I wanted to help him to do so because I struggled alone for so long. I had no one so I didn't want that for him (or anyone).
I think you said it very well here though that you needed the fear and the anger so you wouldn't allow further abuse. I think I'm at that point too. I allow unhealthy behaviors from others that hurt me so their journey would be easier. Because I know how hard the journey is. But I think I've done all I can on that front and now only my kids are allowed to express their trauma past with me in unhealthy ways. But for me to be a safe place for them for the work they have in front of them due to history, I cannot accept it from anyone else. And maybe this thought helps me, so I protect myself for them until I can do it for me.
I still have these "was it bad enough" thoughts this time too I remember from the shelter. At the same time everything around me feels unreal and nightmares are almost nightly. It was bad enough. And until I can keep myself safe with safe boundaries fortified with swift consequences I'll keep my fear and anger. And the absolute heart break I feel as I see the damage. He's an adult. Actions have consequences. Hurting me like this should have consequences like no access to me.
I think you said it very well here though that you needed the fear and the anger so you wouldn't allow further abuse. I think I'm at that point too. I allow unhealthy behaviors from others that hurt me so their journey would be easier. Because I know how hard the journey is. But I think I've done all I can on that front and now only my kids are allowed to express their trauma past with me in unhealthy ways. But for me to be a safe place for them for the work they have in front of them due to history, I cannot accept it from anyone else. And maybe this thought helps me, so I protect myself for them until I can do it for me.
I still have these "was it bad enough" thoughts this time too I remember from the shelter. At the same time everything around me feels unreal and nightmares are almost nightly. It was bad enough. And until I can keep myself safe with safe boundaries fortified with swift consequences I'll keep my fear and anger. And the absolute heart break I feel as I see the damage. He's an adult. Actions have consequences. Hurting me like this should have consequences like no access to me.
#63
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by sanmagic7 - December 15, 2025, 03:15:37 PMPC, interesting post about forgiveness. that religious bit, that we are born sinners and need to be forgiven for simply existing had never rung true for me - i was quite heavily involved in my church for years before i rejected it all. i'd heard for years about how people felt the presence of 'god' in church, how it brought them such peace of mind, 
and the truth is that i never once felt a sense of spirituality from being involved in church, but it hit me like a ton of bricks at my first AA meeting! that's what i had been missing. from that time on, my spirituality was of my own invention, and it suits me. but what a revelation it was!
i had a discussion w/ a pastor's wife once about forgiveness. she was of the notion that we cannot move on in our healing unless we forgive those who harmed us. i've heard that sentiment from many others, including therapists. i told her i didn't agree because even Jesus, on the cross, said 'Father, forgive them for they know not what they do'. i pointed out to her that he didn't say 'i forgive you for what you've done', but gave that power of forgiveness over to someone/something he deemed had the power to do that.
once i said it, it cleared up the entire 'forgiveness' burden for me. i don't have to forgive anyone, least of all myself, cuz there is a 'higher power' who can take on that job. i've lived much more peacefully inside myself after that.
and one other thing you wrote that caught my eye was the idea that we, ourselves, are the most difficult to forgive. i'd like to add that i believe we are also the most important ones to forgive, or, as i wrote above, to turn over that urgency to forgive to something beyond ourselves to take care of for us. as babies, naturally, we had no judgment on ourselves, no matter what we did or didn't do. it was all the teaching of the unnatural laid upon us that, to my mind, caused our unrest within ourselves. i hope you can find your way through this to the other side. i don't see you as needing forgiveness. you may have made mistakes - we all do - but such harsh judgment just doesn't belong on our shoulders, as far as i can see. sending love and hugs
and the truth is that i never once felt a sense of spirituality from being involved in church, but it hit me like a ton of bricks at my first AA meeting! that's what i had been missing. from that time on, my spirituality was of my own invention, and it suits me. but what a revelation it was!i had a discussion w/ a pastor's wife once about forgiveness. she was of the notion that we cannot move on in our healing unless we forgive those who harmed us. i've heard that sentiment from many others, including therapists. i told her i didn't agree because even Jesus, on the cross, said 'Father, forgive them for they know not what they do'. i pointed out to her that he didn't say 'i forgive you for what you've done', but gave that power of forgiveness over to someone/something he deemed had the power to do that.
once i said it, it cleared up the entire 'forgiveness' burden for me. i don't have to forgive anyone, least of all myself, cuz there is a 'higher power' who can take on that job. i've lived much more peacefully inside myself after that.
and one other thing you wrote that caught my eye was the idea that we, ourselves, are the most difficult to forgive. i'd like to add that i believe we are also the most important ones to forgive, or, as i wrote above, to turn over that urgency to forgive to something beyond ourselves to take care of for us. as babies, naturally, we had no judgment on ourselves, no matter what we did or didn't do. it was all the teaching of the unnatural laid upon us that, to my mind, caused our unrest within ourselves. i hope you can find your way through this to the other side. i don't see you as needing forgiveness. you may have made mistakes - we all do - but such harsh judgment just doesn't belong on our shoulders, as far as i can see. sending love and hugs
#64
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by sanmagic7 - December 15, 2025, 02:53:12 PMSO, quite a journey! i actually thought of the idea of tone of voice as you did your recordings, as compared to writing down your thoughts. i can imagine it would make a big difference. my solo trips off the grid were my road trips. at the time, i had no phone, no computerized car, was completely off the grid and on my own for however long - a weekend, a week, depending on where i was going. but the feeling of freedom was paramount for me. unlike you, i did not feel lonely, but that may have been because i think i was escaping home life and its problems at the time. still, those were my favorite times during that period of my life.
i do hope you are able to make some real life connections going forward. it sounds like you're ready. glad you're back and well. love and hugs
i do hope you are able to make some real life connections going forward. it sounds like you're ready. glad you're back and well. love and hugs
#65
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by sanmagic7 - December 15, 2025, 02:44:51 PMbeautiful, indeed, DF. so glad for you. i love those kinds of shifts! love and hugs
#66
General Discussion / Re: (A lot) Truer than "I" tho...
Last post by sanmagic7 - December 15, 2025, 02:39:09 PMDF, what a lot to realize! i also can relate, altho i've never broken everything down to 'parts' like you have. i've just known that i couldn't take the time or energy to have or release emotions because there was always some kind of crisis that 'had to be taken care of', so i'm thinking it was my 'take care of everything' part who was in charge all the time. this makes perfect sense to me. it also feels right.
and, it's got me thinking now. i don't know if i'm ready to look at 'parts' yet, but i think i'm acknowledging that they are there, thanks to you. i think this was a courageous post, and i appreciate your candidness so much.
w/ my former T, i did therapy 2x/week for 5 yrs., and it was a blessing. i'm so glad you're going to get the help you deserve. good for you for reaching out to the GP. well done.
the incident about your D made sense to me as well. i think trauma regurgitates itself in such instances.
and i agree w/ armee - we have been traumatically wounded, (i remember that in my better moments) which is different than being mentally ill. it sounds like you will be getting the help you need to begin healing. love and a big, gentle, caring hug
and, it's got me thinking now. i don't know if i'm ready to look at 'parts' yet, but i think i'm acknowledging that they are there, thanks to you. i think this was a courageous post, and i appreciate your candidness so much.
w/ my former T, i did therapy 2x/week for 5 yrs., and it was a blessing. i'm so glad you're going to get the help you deserve. good for you for reaching out to the GP. well done.
the incident about your D made sense to me as well. i think trauma regurgitates itself in such instances.
and i agree w/ armee - we have been traumatically wounded, (i remember that in my better moments) which is different than being mentally ill. it sounds like you will be getting the help you need to begin healing. love and a big, gentle, caring hug
#67
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Re-traumatization activate...
Last post by NarcKiddo - December 15, 2025, 12:46:17 PMAt a certain point in healing I think it can be helpful (not always and not for everyone, but it can) to understand that bad behaviour from others can come from a place of trauma. That can help you to understand, emotionally as well as logically, that it is not generated by you and it is not your fault. In my own case I know perfectly well that my mother must be very damaged because her own mother was off the scale awful. However I have had past discussions with my T where she has suggested that maybe I don't need all the fear I have because I am no longer a defenceless child. I told her that I needed the fear, and the anger, because at that time if I did not have them I would be liable to open myself to further abuse. I was not capable of reacting in a safe and mature emotional way. I'm still not fully capable but things have improved and I now have more mental capacity to consider where my mother's behaviour comes from. Understanding it is not - now - going to make me feel sorry for her and want to make it all better at my own expense.
Given you are at a stage of knowing things are a bad idea but doing them anyway, I would suggest that you may still need your fear and anger because they are warning you against doing something possibly harmful. You are the person who best knows what is most helpful for you to focus on, but to an outsider it seems like you probably need to deal only with the effects on you at this stage. In time, when emotion is more closely aligned to logic, you may find it helpful or instructive to consider where his behaviour came from. Or you may be so past him that you find it really doesn't matter to you any more why he did it.
Given you are at a stage of knowing things are a bad idea but doing them anyway, I would suggest that you may still need your fear and anger because they are warning you against doing something possibly harmful. You are the person who best knows what is most helpful for you to focus on, but to an outsider it seems like you probably need to deal only with the effects on you at this stage. In time, when emotion is more closely aligned to logic, you may find it helpful or instructive to consider where his behaviour came from. Or you may be so past him that you find it really doesn't matter to you any more why he did it.
#68
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by Abitbroken - December 15, 2025, 11:22:09 AMHi Chart,
Thank you so much for your response, and perspective - I hadn't realised a lot of what you said, particularly
This is helpful for me to consider, and is something that has been troubling me a LOT.
Self Compassion is also something that feels difficult - like I am letting myself off the hook - (The inner critical voice is very loud) but it is something I am working on.
I can feel the support/love in every response I have had, and it does make a difference. Thank you.
Sending support and hugs your way too
Thank you so much for your response, and perspective - I hadn't realised a lot of what you said, particularly
Quote from: Chart on December 14, 2025, 09:41:18 PMust an observation here: no two children have the same parents. Each sibling is different (even twins). Parents are evolving people with their own history, behaviors and pathologies. And transgenerational trauma is now very well recognized. It can come down to one sibling but not others.
For theses reasons, siblings' experiences can be very different. Just because one sibling seems "normal" doesn't mean a brother or sister didn't experience something different.
This is helpful for me to consider, and is something that has been troubling me a LOT.
Self Compassion is also something that feels difficult - like I am letting myself off the hook - (The inner critical voice is very loud) but it is something I am working on.
I can feel the support/love in every response I have had, and it does make a difference. Thank you.
Sending support and hugs your way too
#69
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - December 15, 2025, 10:02:13 AMQuote from: Chart on December 15, 2025, 09:29:20 AMSounds familiar, Ran. I have "stories" running through my head pretty much permanently. For me, when I become aware of what I'm doing, I try to "return to my body". It's slow. Very slow. But it's having an effect.
Yes slow for me too. It seems to depend on how intence the reaction is. There are times, where no one can calm me down and I'm having a panic attack. Sometimes grounding helps. You kinda feel slowly coming back.
#70
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Chart - December 15, 2025, 09:29:20 AMSounds familiar, Ran. I have "stories" running through my head pretty much permanently. For me, when I become aware of what I'm doing, I try to "return to my body". It's slow. Very slow. But it's having an effect.