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#51
Recovery Journals / Healing or Holding On?
Last post by Dark.art.girl - October 31, 2025, 04:32:55 AMHello, all.
It's been five years since I joined this community and I can certainly say maturity is a blessing. Wow.
I'm holding myself accountable now in an effort to finally work through what I've been avoiding for 2+ years. I mentioned it briefly on here before in January, but now it's come back to rear its ugly head at me once again. So, even if I feel like I should forget about writing my feelings or pretend nothing ever happened, I'm going to write here until I come to one or many resolutions.
I was forced to reopen and unravel my entire life including the last few years of adulthood due to some unexpected circumstances that would be hard to explain. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in a relationship--I thought for sure my boyfriend would leave me, but he held strong and handled it with grace. However, it affected me deeply in ways I did NOT see coming at all.
When I was 12, a criminal case was opened against three perpetrators. All I remember was everything I had being seized as evidence, being interviewed by detectives, and receiving a teddy bear after I got done with questioning. I realize now how much of it I blocked from my memory--but I remember my mother once telling me they were convicted or caught or something at least. A small part of me held onto that hope for the last nine years. Well, it seems that may have not been the case. I've read the police report but after it got transferred to the DA's hands, the trail stops. Meaning it's likely no justice was served. Now, I have so many feelings about so many things I can't even locate them all. Intimacy with my boyfriend has been frequently unsuccessful--I have to keep abandoning the act altogether--because of my discomfort and fear. It's so sad to me that again, the one person who wants nothing but my safety and happiness, is being pushed away.
So, in order to try working through it, for the first time, in detail, I've discussed the extensive history of my sexual abuse to my partner. Who, THIS TIME, I am completely sure I can trust. But the worst part of all of this is I don't understand the triggers now. I don't understand anything about this. The wound feels fresh like it just happened yesterday. I've been sad, reclusive, pessimistic, really angry, and I couldn't tell you what else. But it's a lot. It almost also feels like I'm in some kind of mourning? I feel like I'm getting attacked at every angle. Everything is reminding me of something to do with my hometown which brings me right back to the same group of thoughts and memories or different one I thought I'd forgotten reappears. It's like I'm constantly making connections to that time period now. Has anyone ever experienced that? A song, a familiar looking person, the way the air feels around you, a smell, and it's just brings you back to the same spot? Constantly? Kind of like a loop.
I saw a girl at work that looked like someone I went to middle school with and somehow it eventually brought me to tears. What the??
I also feel guilty for not being happy when I can't tell my dad about why I might be in a sour mood. I just get snappy and want to be left alone. Or just generally. I feel normal, but not normal at all. Functioning, but not functioning. Depressed, but managing. It's so odd. Motivation is hanging on by a thread--everything I do is done with will-power and the determination to stay on top of my health.
My biggest concern is also whether I'm holding on to these feelings and not moving on the way I should be. Am I holding on or am I just healing? We'll see, I guess.
Anyway, if there are any readers, I wish you all a happy Halloween if you celebrate at all. Until tomorrow, friends.
It's been five years since I joined this community and I can certainly say maturity is a blessing. Wow.
I'm holding myself accountable now in an effort to finally work through what I've been avoiding for 2+ years. I mentioned it briefly on here before in January, but now it's come back to rear its ugly head at me once again. So, even if I feel like I should forget about writing my feelings or pretend nothing ever happened, I'm going to write here until I come to one or many resolutions.
I was forced to reopen and unravel my entire life including the last few years of adulthood due to some unexpected circumstances that would be hard to explain. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in a relationship--I thought for sure my boyfriend would leave me, but he held strong and handled it with grace. However, it affected me deeply in ways I did NOT see coming at all.
When I was 12, a criminal case was opened against three perpetrators. All I remember was everything I had being seized as evidence, being interviewed by detectives, and receiving a teddy bear after I got done with questioning. I realize now how much of it I blocked from my memory--but I remember my mother once telling me they were convicted or caught or something at least. A small part of me held onto that hope for the last nine years. Well, it seems that may have not been the case. I've read the police report but after it got transferred to the DA's hands, the trail stops. Meaning it's likely no justice was served. Now, I have so many feelings about so many things I can't even locate them all. Intimacy with my boyfriend has been frequently unsuccessful--I have to keep abandoning the act altogether--because of my discomfort and fear. It's so sad to me that again, the one person who wants nothing but my safety and happiness, is being pushed away.
So, in order to try working through it, for the first time, in detail, I've discussed the extensive history of my sexual abuse to my partner. Who, THIS TIME, I am completely sure I can trust. But the worst part of all of this is I don't understand the triggers now. I don't understand anything about this. The wound feels fresh like it just happened yesterday. I've been sad, reclusive, pessimistic, really angry, and I couldn't tell you what else. But it's a lot. It almost also feels like I'm in some kind of mourning? I feel like I'm getting attacked at every angle. Everything is reminding me of something to do with my hometown which brings me right back to the same group of thoughts and memories or different one I thought I'd forgotten reappears. It's like I'm constantly making connections to that time period now. Has anyone ever experienced that? A song, a familiar looking person, the way the air feels around you, a smell, and it's just brings you back to the same spot? Constantly? Kind of like a loop.
I saw a girl at work that looked like someone I went to middle school with and somehow it eventually brought me to tears. What the??
I also feel guilty for not being happy when I can't tell my dad about why I might be in a sour mood. I just get snappy and want to be left alone. Or just generally. I feel normal, but not normal at all. Functioning, but not functioning. Depressed, but managing. It's so odd. Motivation is hanging on by a thread--everything I do is done with will-power and the determination to stay on top of my health.
My biggest concern is also whether I'm holding on to these feelings and not moving on the way I should be. Am I holding on or am I just healing? We'll see, I guess.
Anyway, if there are any readers, I wish you all a happy Halloween if you celebrate at all. Until tomorrow, friends.
#52
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi. Here I am. :)
Last post by Dark.art.girl - October 30, 2025, 10:37:11 PMPete!! Welcome!!
Like the others, I'd like to say you are not alone in having turbulent relationships that come and go. There are so many things that factor into why that may be for many of us, hence the "complex" in complex-ptsd! I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a rough patch right now. Hopefully through one or all of the outlets available to you here, you can find solace and support in this community. But don't give up on love! You deserve it!
I'd also like to say thank you very much for your service both in the military and as a surgeon, those two jobs are not easy and extremely admirable.
Like the others, I'd like to say you are not alone in having turbulent relationships that come and go. There are so many things that factor into why that may be for many of us, hence the "complex" in complex-ptsd! I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a rough patch right now. Hopefully through one or all of the outlets available to you here, you can find solace and support in this community. But don't give up on love! You deserve it!
I'd also like to say thank you very much for your service both in the military and as a surgeon, those two jobs are not easy and extremely admirable.
#53
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hello 👋🏼
Last post by wooboyattachmenttrauma - October 30, 2025, 07:10:36 PMWelcome LandedBird! I too believe we are suffering the symptoms of a diseased world! I'm glad you put it that way. The safety of children is a communal responsibility, and if we all really kept children safe from trauma we wouldn't have CPTSD. I am sorry to hear that you are suffering from immobility that is so triggering. I am sending you healing wishes and a warm welcome.
#54
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hello
Last post by wooboyattachmenttrauma - October 30, 2025, 07:07:59 PMhi SapphireQueen, I'm glad you're here, glad you're exploring life beyond abuse and that you have the support of a therapist. Welcome!
#55
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi
Last post by wooboyattachmenttrauma - October 30, 2025, 07:07:07 PMHi Beet! Welcome! And kudos to you for being a mature grad student while healing from CPTSD, and taking the steps to be here! I'm grateful to 21 year old you as well. I've been going through a rough patch myself and it's a comfort to have others join this space.
#56
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hello
Last post by wooboyattachmenttrauma - October 30, 2025, 07:05:50 PMHi Lina, I'm so glad you're here. Welcome! Thanks for sharing your story. I am so, so sorry for the abuse you suffered. I too was abused by an older brother and parents were no help, though in a different way. I'm glad you are working on healing now, you deserve it.
#57
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hello
Last post by wooboyattachmenttrauma - October 30, 2025, 07:04:40 PMWelcome, I'm glad you're here! And I too am grateful to find kindred spirits here. I liked what you said about nonverbal trauma being the hardest when triggered, that really speaks to what I have been going through recently. And yes I have found Janina Fisher helpful as well. I am grateful you have found helpful therapies. I am in my 40s and have had so many fits and starts with therapy--for me after I make some progress the relationship always breaks down and I feel like a failure. I am hopeful for my next decade of healing after meeting you here.
#58
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi. Here I am. :)
Last post by wooboyattachmenttrauma - October 30, 2025, 07:01:24 PMHi Pete, welcome! I'm glad you're here, and well done working on healing your CPTSD. I second the recommendation of Pete Walker's book on CPTSD. It was my impetus for this last go-round of trying to heal. None of us are without hope, especially those of us who are working to heal. I'm really sorry about your most recent breakup, that really hurts. I'm sure it caused emotional flashbacks too (one of the most helpful concepts I got from Pete Walker). I know I can get really angry really quickly too, and I feel ashamed of that. You're not alone. It makes sense given how our brains developed in a state of constant fear, and brains can always heal.
#59
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: hi there
Last post by wooboyattachmenttrauma - October 30, 2025, 06:57:54 PMWelcome back! I totally get the feeling of being scared coming back after having needed to take a break. Glad you're here.
#60
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hey there!
Last post by wooboyattachmenttrauma - October 30, 2025, 06:56:58 PMHello, and welcome! I'm glad you're here. It's totally OK to be in the middle and be unsure of like, was this trauma? You're not alone, and you can trust yourself