Recent posts
#41
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New Here - Hello!
Last post by Dark.art.girl - October 31, 2025, 06:07:49 PMWelcome DoggieWoof!!!! I'm another fellow (almost) 25 y/o and ironically no-contact with my mother also. You should feel so proud for making that leap, it's hard but I felt it was so worth it.
Man, I couldn't relate with this more. Same with the dreams that Kizzie mentioned, wow. We're all in the same boat lol Looks like you've found a home here!
Quote from: DoggieWoof123 on September 29, 2025, 04:47:39 AMI still feel very sensitive whenever my partner is stressed or if I ever have to bring up my feelings to him (luckily he is an extremely emotionally mature man and the sweetest person ever) but the triggers are crippling. I've been with him for 6.5 years but still all my trauma seems to project onto him. I will spend an entire week being terribly nervous about how to bring something up to him... then when I finally bring it up, and it goes fine, I feel depleted and pathetic.
Man, I couldn't relate with this more. Same with the dreams that Kizzie mentioned, wow. We're all in the same boat lol Looks like you've found a home here!
#42
Therapy / Re: Therapy directly on a core...
Last post by Blueberry - October 31, 2025, 06:04:15 PMQuote from: Kizzie on October 29, 2025, 04:30:56 PMHey BB, what helped me and I think I've posted about it and talked about it in the Zoom groups is that I kept asking myself the question "Am I that bad?" for a period and one day I had an epiphany, almost a bolt of lighting that "No, I am actually a good person, decent, kind, honest, etc" because when I asked the question I would then compare myself to my abusers, the abusers I read about on this forum and in the news and I was nowhere near that. I had value and worth despite or maybe because of my abuse.
I think of you as a really decent person (e.g., look at all the time and effort you've put into helping me with this forum over the years), and how you try to learn and make every effort to recover. You don't see any of our abusers here making that kind of effort that's for sure.
Anyway, I just had that wonderful, freeing thought one day that it's ridiculous (and sad) that I or any of us should feel less than, bad, etc. Challenging those kind of thoughts was a great strategy for getting rid of them.
Hope this is helpful!
Thank you so much Kizzie!
Unfortunately that's a little too head-based to get thru to me at certain times.
I've kind of answered my own question just this week. I ended up doing pretty deep stuff on what I'd see as a core wound with my OT. Inner Child work + somatic stuff I was aware of.
So it's probably not so much the method as how much I'm able to work on a core wound. I know I said during the work that I'd been there before just not at such a deep level.
#43
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by Dark.art.girl - October 31, 2025, 05:35:10 PMSan,
Thank you for your kind words, I will absolutely accept hugs! Unfortunately, I'm not in the financial position to have a therapist nor do I feel like I have the mental capacity to start over with a new one lol But I wanted to tell you, I believe you're correct when you say I've gotten to the deeper part of this. It's bringing out a lot of the early childhood things I never explored/dealt with that must have needed some attention and never really got it. But it's leaving me with a lot of questions, too.
And Francis, thank you and congratulations to you as well. It was extremely terrifying to talk about. I discussed things I never shared with anyone in my entire life. There's a few things you brought up that I'd like to touch on here in this journal: shame and hiding things.
Besides the abuse, I now remember hiding nearly everything in my personal life from adults around me. Numerous times I genuinely could not verbalize feelings to parents--literally couldn't even open my mouth to speak. I'm glad you talked about this, because in my current relationship, I wondered why it was so hard for me to share basic feelings or why I felt the need to hide things that didn't need to be hidden. There's a constant feeling of shame or embarrassment that it carries.
I'm currently putting together pieces of information that I feel is most likely to validate the early childhood abuse. Such as atypical behaviors I exhibited that went completely neglected by adult figures, i.e. my mother (my father was working a lot). It's painful, but it's allowing me to verify the experiences that are more foggy in my memory. My mother demonstrated a lot of predatory behaviors herself that I now recognize as inappropriate and I question her involvement further and further every day--except I'm sure there's a point where it becomes unhealthy to continue speculating rather than just accepting. She facilitated some very serious instances later in my life. But in early childhood, she did things that made me uncomfortable with my body around both her and my father--he wanted nothing to do with her antics; in fact, he was very embarrassed and shy around sexual topics with me. I felt uncomfortable with physical contact with either of them for a long time. Even now I feel weird hugging my dad. It's so sad and so wrong.
There was an interview of a woman who talked about how her mother took the position of a "vicarious" predator, one who abused her through the actions of others. My mother, in her own way and by her own motivations, was that kind of predator. I find it difficult to tackle one piece of this at a time--the acceptance of it, how to approach this topic with others, my attachment to her and so-on. My brain is a scrambled egg.
Thank you for your kind words, I will absolutely accept hugs! Unfortunately, I'm not in the financial position to have a therapist nor do I feel like I have the mental capacity to start over with a new one lol But I wanted to tell you, I believe you're correct when you say I've gotten to the deeper part of this. It's bringing out a lot of the early childhood things I never explored/dealt with that must have needed some attention and never really got it. But it's leaving me with a lot of questions, too.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 31, 2025, 02:33:58 PMit sounds like you've gotten to a deeper part of all this perhaps? i'm very sorry you're going thru it at all, altho i'm very glad for you that your partner is there by your side, not letting go. do you have a therapist? i think this may be something to speak to them about, work on resolving these issues so the triggers fade. it's rough, tho, when no matter what you do, where you go, something reaches out and sends you spiraling.
i do hope you find justice and closure. best to you with this. sending a gentle hug, if that's ok.
And Francis, thank you and congratulations to you as well. It was extremely terrifying to talk about. I discussed things I never shared with anyone in my entire life. There's a few things you brought up that I'd like to touch on here in this journal: shame and hiding things.
Quote from: Francis5 on October 31, 2025, 02:54:03 PMHiding things is something I am working though and writing about right now. The more you can share with the right people/person, I strongly believe the better
The loop you speak of really resonates. It seems some days (or months/years) every action, conversation instantly traces back to my trauma, to that fear, shame, like a gut punch. It does ease some times as I can say the past little while it hasn't been so noticeable. I wish for you that easing and for lots of peaceful moments today.
Besides the abuse, I now remember hiding nearly everything in my personal life from adults around me. Numerous times I genuinely could not verbalize feelings to parents--literally couldn't even open my mouth to speak. I'm glad you talked about this, because in my current relationship, I wondered why it was so hard for me to share basic feelings or why I felt the need to hide things that didn't need to be hidden. There's a constant feeling of shame or embarrassment that it carries.
I'm currently putting together pieces of information that I feel is most likely to validate the early childhood abuse. Such as atypical behaviors I exhibited that went completely neglected by adult figures, i.e. my mother (my father was working a lot). It's painful, but it's allowing me to verify the experiences that are more foggy in my memory. My mother demonstrated a lot of predatory behaviors herself that I now recognize as inappropriate and I question her involvement further and further every day--except I'm sure there's a point where it becomes unhealthy to continue speculating rather than just accepting. She facilitated some very serious instances later in my life. But in early childhood, she did things that made me uncomfortable with my body around both her and my father--he wanted nothing to do with her antics; in fact, he was very embarrassed and shy around sexual topics with me. I felt uncomfortable with physical contact with either of them for a long time. Even now I feel weird hugging my dad. It's so sad and so wrong.
There was an interview of a woman who talked about how her mother took the position of a "vicarious" predator, one who abused her through the actions of others. My mother, in her own way and by her own motivations, was that kind of predator. I find it difficult to tackle one piece of this at a time--the acceptance of it, how to approach this topic with others, my attachment to her and so-on. My brain is a scrambled egg.
#44
Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Re: CPTSD and healthy partners...
Last post by Kizzie - October 31, 2025, 05:04:59 PM
#45
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - October 31, 2025, 04:40:53 PMSan,
Your comments that I'm not alone in this, and that we're in this together mean a lot. The only passion I have left in life is to feel connected with other souls who I resonate with. And I resonate with your post big time.
Driving was my passion too until recent years. I've done a lot of cross-country road trips. It used to be relaxing to just take a drive when stress was bothering me. As a teen I even wanted to be a long haul truck driver so I could drive for a living, (and also, I had romanticized the life of living on the road, as many people did back in the 1970s). But fear has taken that joy of mine away also. I plan my entire life around traffic lulls now because I hate being in traffic so bad. Traffic ignites my Fight/Flight response really bad. I hate feeling trapped. And I'm fearful of all the things that can go wrong while driving: Mechanical issues, road rage, accidents, road closures, etc.
I have learned, over the last couple of years, that a traumatic childhood can lead to a glass-half-empty mindset for life. We, CPTSD sufferers can have a strong lean toward always waiting for the other shoe to drop. We know how bad things can get, so we can't forget that.
Again: the gray area for me is I'm still trying to find the line between natural fears associated with natural aging, versus Trauma fears that come from a difficult past.
#46
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New Here - Hello!
Last post by wooboyattachmenttrauma - October 31, 2025, 03:29:10 PMI am so impressed that you have set some healthy limits with an abusive person--that is really, really hard, especially as your mom--and that you have found EMDR and therapy! And you're doing so at such a young age; I didn't really start grappling with trauma till my 30s. Welcome, and I'm glad you're here!
I appreciate what Kizzie said too about having a supportive partner but still having dreams of betrayal, invalidation, or dismissal--wow that is so me! Our brains marinated in awful relationships and those wires run deep and are still wanting to get us safe. Sometimes it gets mixed up with who is right in front of us.
I appreciate what Kizzie said too about having a supportive partner but still having dreams of betrayal, invalidation, or dismissal--wow that is so me! Our brains marinated in awful relationships and those wires run deep and are still wanting to get us safe. Sometimes it gets mixed up with who is right in front of us.
#47
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by Francis5 - October 31, 2025, 02:54:03 PMHi Dark.art.girl
Just wanted to say I think you're incredibly courageous and likely on the path of healing.
This is a pretty powerful statement that sums up the struggle and how to maybe keep one step ahead
It took me years to share my pain with my wife - congratulations on being able to do that with your partner. Hiding things is something I am working through and writing about right now. The more you can share with the right people/person, I strongly believe the better
The loop you speak of really resonates. It seems some days (or months/years) every action, conversation instantly traces back to my trauma, to that fear, shame, like a gut punch. It does ease some times as I can say the past little while it hasn't been so noticeable. I wish for you that easing and for lots of peaceful moments today.
Just wanted to say I think you're incredibly courageous and likely on the path of healing.
This is a pretty powerful statement that sums up the struggle and how to maybe keep one step ahead
Quote from: Dark.art.girl on October 31, 2025, 04:32:55 AMMotivation is hanging on by a thread--everything I do is done with will-power and the determination to stay on top of my health.
It took me years to share my pain with my wife - congratulations on being able to do that with your partner. Hiding things is something I am working through and writing about right now. The more you can share with the right people/person, I strongly believe the better
The loop you speak of really resonates. It seems some days (or months/years) every action, conversation instantly traces back to my trauma, to that fear, shame, like a gut punch. It does ease some times as I can say the past little while it hasn't been so noticeable. I wish for you that easing and for lots of peaceful moments today.
#48
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by sanmagic7 - October 31, 2025, 02:33:58 PMhi, dark.art.girl.
i believe you are healing for the most part, altho some of it may feel like you're just holding on. i totally relate to the idea of triggers being everywhere at any time - i've thought of it as tho the present is now tainted in so many ways and on so many levels by the past that i can't get around them. they're there, they grab me, the feelings come again. no, you're not alone in this.
it sounds like you've gotten to a deeper part of all this perhaps? i'm very sorry you're going thru it at all, altho i'm very glad for you that your partner is there by your side, not letting go. do you have a therapist? i think this may be something to speak to them about, work on resolving these issues so the triggers fade. it's rough, tho, when no matter what you do, where you go, something reaches out and sends you spiraling.
i do hope you find justice and closure. best to you with this. sending a gentle hug, if that's ok.
i believe you are healing for the most part, altho some of it may feel like you're just holding on. i totally relate to the idea of triggers being everywhere at any time - i've thought of it as tho the present is now tainted in so many ways and on so many levels by the past that i can't get around them. they're there, they grab me, the feelings come again. no, you're not alone in this.
it sounds like you've gotten to a deeper part of all this perhaps? i'm very sorry you're going thru it at all, altho i'm very glad for you that your partner is there by your side, not letting go. do you have a therapist? i think this may be something to speak to them about, work on resolving these issues so the triggers fade. it's rough, tho, when no matter what you do, where you go, something reaches out and sends you spiraling.
i do hope you find justice and closure. best to you with this. sending a gentle hug, if that's ok.
#49
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by Little2Nothing - October 31, 2025, 02:26:56 PMNarcKiddo, I know a lot of people who hate the holidays. I'm glad they end for me after the new year. It has to be hard to deal with all the way up until March. So many bad things happened, but many good things have happened since my exodus from my family. They're all gone so I don't have that to contend with. No one to feel obligated to see. I hope you have seasons of peace. 
#50
Recovery Journals / Healing or Holding On?
Last post by Dark.art.girl - October 31, 2025, 04:32:55 AMHello, all.
It's been five years since I joined this community and I can certainly say maturity is a blessing. Wow.
I'm holding myself accountable now in an effort to finally work through what I've been avoiding for 2+ years. I mentioned it briefly on here before in January, but now it's come back to rear its ugly head at me once again. So, even if I feel like I should forget about writing my feelings or pretend nothing ever happened, I'm going to write here until I come to one or many resolutions.
I was forced to reopen and unravel my entire life including the last few years of adulthood due to some unexpected circumstances that would be hard to explain. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in a relationship--I thought for sure my boyfriend would leave me, but he held strong and handled it with grace. However, it affected me deeply in ways I did NOT see coming at all.
When I was 12, a criminal case was opened against three perpetrators. All I remember was everything I had being seized as evidence, being interviewed by detectives, and receiving a teddy bear after I got done with questioning. I realize now how much of it I blocked from my memory--but I remember my mother once telling me they were convicted or caught or something at least. A small part of me held onto that hope for the last nine years. Well, it seems that may have not been the case. I've read the police report but after it got transferred to the DA's hands, the trail stops. Meaning it's likely no justice was served. Now, I have so many feelings about so many things I can't even locate them all. Intimacy with my boyfriend has been frequently unsuccessful--I have to keep abandoning the act altogether--because of my discomfort and fear. It's so sad to me that again, the one person who wants nothing but my safety and happiness, is being pushed away.
So, in order to try working through it, for the first time, in detail, I've discussed the extensive history of my sexual abuse to my partner. Who, THIS TIME, I am completely sure I can trust. But the worst part of all of this is I don't understand the triggers now. I don't understand anything about this. The wound feels fresh like it just happened yesterday. I've been sad, reclusive, pessimistic, really angry, and I couldn't tell you what else. But it's a lot. It almost also feels like I'm in some kind of mourning? I feel like I'm getting attacked at every angle. Everything is reminding me of something to do with my hometown which brings me right back to the same group of thoughts and memories or different one I thought I'd forgotten reappears. It's like I'm constantly making connections to that time period now. Has anyone ever experienced that? A song, a familiar looking person, the way the air feels around you, a smell, and it's just brings you back to the same spot? Constantly? Kind of like a loop.
I saw a girl at work that looked like someone I went to middle school with and somehow it eventually brought me to tears. What the??
I also feel guilty for not being happy when I can't tell my dad about why I might be in a sour mood. I just get snappy and want to be left alone. Or just generally. I feel normal, but not normal at all. Functioning, but not functioning. Depressed, but managing. It's so odd. Motivation is hanging on by a thread--everything I do is done with will-power and the determination to stay on top of my health.
My biggest concern is also whether I'm holding on to these feelings and not moving on the way I should be. Am I holding on or am I just healing? We'll see, I guess.
Anyway, if there are any readers, I wish you all a happy Halloween if you celebrate at all. Until tomorrow, friends.
It's been five years since I joined this community and I can certainly say maturity is a blessing. Wow.
I'm holding myself accountable now in an effort to finally work through what I've been avoiding for 2+ years. I mentioned it briefly on here before in January, but now it's come back to rear its ugly head at me once again. So, even if I feel like I should forget about writing my feelings or pretend nothing ever happened, I'm going to write here until I come to one or many resolutions.
I was forced to reopen and unravel my entire life including the last few years of adulthood due to some unexpected circumstances that would be hard to explain. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in a relationship--I thought for sure my boyfriend would leave me, but he held strong and handled it with grace. However, it affected me deeply in ways I did NOT see coming at all.
When I was 12, a criminal case was opened against three perpetrators. All I remember was everything I had being seized as evidence, being interviewed by detectives, and receiving a teddy bear after I got done with questioning. I realize now how much of it I blocked from my memory--but I remember my mother once telling me they were convicted or caught or something at least. A small part of me held onto that hope for the last nine years. Well, it seems that may have not been the case. I've read the police report but after it got transferred to the DA's hands, the trail stops. Meaning it's likely no justice was served. Now, I have so many feelings about so many things I can't even locate them all. Intimacy with my boyfriend has been frequently unsuccessful--I have to keep abandoning the act altogether--because of my discomfort and fear. It's so sad to me that again, the one person who wants nothing but my safety and happiness, is being pushed away.
So, in order to try working through it, for the first time, in detail, I've discussed the extensive history of my sexual abuse to my partner. Who, THIS TIME, I am completely sure I can trust. But the worst part of all of this is I don't understand the triggers now. I don't understand anything about this. The wound feels fresh like it just happened yesterday. I've been sad, reclusive, pessimistic, really angry, and I couldn't tell you what else. But it's a lot. It almost also feels like I'm in some kind of mourning? I feel like I'm getting attacked at every angle. Everything is reminding me of something to do with my hometown which brings me right back to the same group of thoughts and memories or different one I thought I'd forgotten reappears. It's like I'm constantly making connections to that time period now. Has anyone ever experienced that? A song, a familiar looking person, the way the air feels around you, a smell, and it's just brings you back to the same spot? Constantly? Kind of like a loop.
I saw a girl at work that looked like someone I went to middle school with and somehow it eventually brought me to tears. What the??
I also feel guilty for not being happy when I can't tell my dad about why I might be in a sour mood. I just get snappy and want to be left alone. Or just generally. I feel normal, but not normal at all. Functioning, but not functioning. Depressed, but managing. It's so odd. Motivation is hanging on by a thread--everything I do is done with will-power and the determination to stay on top of my health.
My biggest concern is also whether I'm holding on to these feelings and not moving on the way I should be. Am I holding on or am I just healing? We'll see, I guess.
Anyway, if there are any readers, I wish you all a happy Halloween if you celebrate at all. Until tomorrow, friends.