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#41
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - September 12, 2025, 08:23:45 AMsanmagic7
Thank you for the hug
At least a year sooner than expected, I got an allotment very close to where I live. There was a lot going on in my life when it was offered to me. So it took another two weeks before I could sign. Even though I had signed up for this and it's something fun, I went into stress mode right away. The plot had been covered with weeds for who knows how long. The weeds had been mowed and taken away and seeds had already grown into new plants after that. The soil had been plowed, cutting the brittle roots into many pieces, each of which would grow into a vine. And heaps of grasses and other volunteers. Eh... thanks for taking care of that problem guys? Long story short, there were many things I wanted to do asap for various reasons. Because of the season, I felt high pressure to get it done.
I decided it would be worth it to bite the bullet straight away. Luckily my mind was working with me this time. It took me a while to come up with an approach that made sense to me. As simple and efficient as I could make it. Something that would bridge the autumn and winter, that I could execute with the few hand tools I dragged over there on my bike. I was lucky that the vines had already started to grow, so I could spot them. At least a high percentage of them. I carefully dug all of them out, and removed the other weeds too. Squatting with a garden trowel in a pretty big field, like a crazy person. I figured out which cover crops to order, divided the plot into sections and paths, created a minimalist compost bin, sowed the seeds, watered, covered with a bit of netting I happened to have, met a couple of other gardeners, and finished the whole thing within a week.
It was hard, because I often felt depressed, exhausted, and overwhelmed. Not excited at all. I just wanted to take this hurdle while it was still possible. I just wasn't in the mood to appreciate this chance. Something I know will come at some point. So I pushed through to get the difficult part over with, and create a good starting position for myself. If succesful, there's something highly counter PTSD to creating order, while being overwhelmed. Over the years it has become much more difficult for me not to get overwhelmed to the point I can't function anymore. Finishing a modest task like this, despite a suboptimal state, does feel like taking charge of my life, just a little bit. The key aspect here, is that I'm changing the environment around me according to my plan, instead of surviving an overwhelming situation. Proactive instead of reactive.
My approach wasn't as finetuned as may seem from what I'm writing now. No time. There were much more roots in the ground than I had guessed, for instance. Which made things much harder than anticipated. Going at it for hours at a time did bring up a sense of hopelessness, and made me question what on earth I was doing here. What kicked in was the understanding that it doesn't necessarily have to go away in order to keep going. I know these feelings and thoughts very well. Similar and much worse situations have thought me that focusing on the micro task ahead, and than the next one and so forth, will eventually lead to completion. Whenever that moment arrives. There is a big and impossible tasks in my CPTSD mind, and just one tiny next step in my healthy mind. Focusing on the physical task, while letting feelings and thoughts be there helps me get things done.
It does feel good I managed to complete this one. And my mind worked. It remains to be seen if my plan works, but that doesn't stress me out. From now on I can manage the weeds and choose my moments to go to the garden (and interact with people if I encounter them). The whole thing is also very much about the social aspect for me, of which I already got a pretty good taste. I've been in heavy fawn mode over there thus far. I can see I've grown a lot over the past thirty years or so, and appreciate that. At the same time it's very painful and depressing these developmental arrests are still so present in me. I'm hoping to ease into the new situation from now on a little more. There's a real chance I'd feel more comfortable here over time. Situations like these used to be so terrifying to me that I couldn't do anything like this for most of my life, missing a lot of opportunities to have fun, connect, grow. Starting this, depressed and fawning or not, is a win.
Thank you for the hug
At least a year sooner than expected, I got an allotment very close to where I live. There was a lot going on in my life when it was offered to me. So it took another two weeks before I could sign. Even though I had signed up for this and it's something fun, I went into stress mode right away. The plot had been covered with weeds for who knows how long. The weeds had been mowed and taken away and seeds had already grown into new plants after that. The soil had been plowed, cutting the brittle roots into many pieces, each of which would grow into a vine. And heaps of grasses and other volunteers. Eh... thanks for taking care of that problem guys? Long story short, there were many things I wanted to do asap for various reasons. Because of the season, I felt high pressure to get it done.
I decided it would be worth it to bite the bullet straight away. Luckily my mind was working with me this time. It took me a while to come up with an approach that made sense to me. As simple and efficient as I could make it. Something that would bridge the autumn and winter, that I could execute with the few hand tools I dragged over there on my bike. I was lucky that the vines had already started to grow, so I could spot them. At least a high percentage of them. I carefully dug all of them out, and removed the other weeds too. Squatting with a garden trowel in a pretty big field, like a crazy person. I figured out which cover crops to order, divided the plot into sections and paths, created a minimalist compost bin, sowed the seeds, watered, covered with a bit of netting I happened to have, met a couple of other gardeners, and finished the whole thing within a week.
It was hard, because I often felt depressed, exhausted, and overwhelmed. Not excited at all. I just wanted to take this hurdle while it was still possible. I just wasn't in the mood to appreciate this chance. Something I know will come at some point. So I pushed through to get the difficult part over with, and create a good starting position for myself. If succesful, there's something highly counter PTSD to creating order, while being overwhelmed. Over the years it has become much more difficult for me not to get overwhelmed to the point I can't function anymore. Finishing a modest task like this, despite a suboptimal state, does feel like taking charge of my life, just a little bit. The key aspect here, is that I'm changing the environment around me according to my plan, instead of surviving an overwhelming situation. Proactive instead of reactive.
My approach wasn't as finetuned as may seem from what I'm writing now. No time. There were much more roots in the ground than I had guessed, for instance. Which made things much harder than anticipated. Going at it for hours at a time did bring up a sense of hopelessness, and made me question what on earth I was doing here. What kicked in was the understanding that it doesn't necessarily have to go away in order to keep going. I know these feelings and thoughts very well. Similar and much worse situations have thought me that focusing on the micro task ahead, and than the next one and so forth, will eventually lead to completion. Whenever that moment arrives. There is a big and impossible tasks in my CPTSD mind, and just one tiny next step in my healthy mind. Focusing on the physical task, while letting feelings and thoughts be there helps me get things done.
It does feel good I managed to complete this one. And my mind worked. It remains to be seen if my plan works, but that doesn't stress me out. From now on I can manage the weeds and choose my moments to go to the garden (and interact with people if I encounter them). The whole thing is also very much about the social aspect for me, of which I already got a pretty good taste. I've been in heavy fawn mode over there thus far. I can see I've grown a lot over the past thirty years or so, and appreciate that. At the same time it's very painful and depressing these developmental arrests are still so present in me. I'm hoping to ease into the new situation from now on a little more. There's a real chance I'd feel more comfortable here over time. Situations like these used to be so terrifying to me that I couldn't do anything like this for most of my life, missing a lot of opportunities to have fun, connect, grow. Starting this, depressed and fawning or not, is a win.
#42
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by Chart - September 11, 2025, 06:53:10 PMNew T... yeah I hear ya, San. I "switched" at the... gosh I'm not at all clear when exactly... This past winter? My new T knows emdr, but otherwise classic French official health worker. Master's degree in psychology... Never heard of Cptsd... I'm of the opinion she's getting as much out of our sessions as I am, though that might be slightly egotistical on my part. :| It is really frustrating having to explain all the work I'm doing on my own. And she's absolutely not Carl Rogers. Informal address (using 'tu' as apposed to the formal 'vous') is as about as "intimate" as she's willing to get. But I'm really working on "not caring". I say pretty much whatever I want and stay conscious of my absence of concern what she thinks. I don't expect much understanding (outside the Forum). And it feels good not caring what this person thinks. In any case she's here for me and not vice-versa. Just that realization has helped me immensely. All part of the package.
#43
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - September 10, 2025, 05:36:04 PM09-10-2025
Starting to feel better physically. Don't know if I had a pathogen of some kind or if my being under the weather is from the BP meds. The last few days.. bleh. Am starting to explore different user name that would better reflect where I'm at on my path.
Short rant:
In all the Dr. Appts, 2 visits to emergency rooms, not a single medical professional mentioned anything concerning a "cause" of the hypertension. Just pushing chemicals that have a list of side effects longer than my arm. (insert long and colorful cuss phrases here) Making comments about weight and diet when there is no idea of my bone density / actual muscle to fat ratio. Yeesh.
Rant over:
Another meeting about the upper ups "spinning down" the site that I work at. More smoke / mirrors is my take on the newest date. If history predicts future performance, they are still going to be messing about 3 years from now. From a business perspective, not one single thing that they have done since they acquired us, makes a single lick of sense. Someone, somewhere, has gotten something stuck up their anal cavity that they don't know how to turn on / remove. Add in that they paid a premium and have been losing $$$ ... the idea that doing something that will result in significant losses for at least 5 years or more, like *?
Sigh.
I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker that is 10-15 years older than I and somehow we ended up doing a compare contrast with the now and what was remembered from earlier times. What really struck me was his comments concerning society (in general). He's first gen naturalized citizen. this also fed into other conversations with other co-workers that are 20 ish years younger than I that were not directly about "society" those conversations were concerning aspects that to me led back to society / the bureaucratic system of control. In all cases the sentiment was the same. * has happened?
From current vehicles that have been turned into short lived transport modules and data mining access points that are locked out for repair or even maintenance to something that used to be simple like traveling in country via a plane ride. The hoops that a person has to jump through to get their own money out of a bank and then on the other side all the back end reporting the bank does all in the name of "safety" from those evil nasty drug dealers all the while B 0f A bank has made trillions on washing drug money and they are not only allowed to stay open, they only got fined in the millions for the "violation". Seems to me that ethics are way more flexible than what the message to me is. Won't even get into the area of "laws" which have been weaponized such that because of my gender, age, assumed ethnic background, I would be treated as guilty and then have to prove my innocence. Yeah, that sticks in my craw.
On the better side, was able to get to the right people in the right places at the right time for that the $$$ owed to the hospitals are something that I can afford! The car is still running really well. Do have a set of ignition wires to install. Temperatures are cooling off which will let me have more outside time. Do have to cut back some grass this weekend and maybe start inspecting the flexible lines underneath the new to me car.
Wishing all here all the best
Starting to feel better physically. Don't know if I had a pathogen of some kind or if my being under the weather is from the BP meds. The last few days.. bleh. Am starting to explore different user name that would better reflect where I'm at on my path.
Short rant:
In all the Dr. Appts, 2 visits to emergency rooms, not a single medical professional mentioned anything concerning a "cause" of the hypertension. Just pushing chemicals that have a list of side effects longer than my arm. (insert long and colorful cuss phrases here) Making comments about weight and diet when there is no idea of my bone density / actual muscle to fat ratio. Yeesh.
Rant over:
Another meeting about the upper ups "spinning down" the site that I work at. More smoke / mirrors is my take on the newest date. If history predicts future performance, they are still going to be messing about 3 years from now. From a business perspective, not one single thing that they have done since they acquired us, makes a single lick of sense. Someone, somewhere, has gotten something stuck up their anal cavity that they don't know how to turn on / remove. Add in that they paid a premium and have been losing $$$ ... the idea that doing something that will result in significant losses for at least 5 years or more, like *?
Sigh.
I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker that is 10-15 years older than I and somehow we ended up doing a compare contrast with the now and what was remembered from earlier times. What really struck me was his comments concerning society (in general). He's first gen naturalized citizen. this also fed into other conversations with other co-workers that are 20 ish years younger than I that were not directly about "society" those conversations were concerning aspects that to me led back to society / the bureaucratic system of control. In all cases the sentiment was the same. * has happened?
From current vehicles that have been turned into short lived transport modules and data mining access points that are locked out for repair or even maintenance to something that used to be simple like traveling in country via a plane ride. The hoops that a person has to jump through to get their own money out of a bank and then on the other side all the back end reporting the bank does all in the name of "safety" from those evil nasty drug dealers all the while B 0f A bank has made trillions on washing drug money and they are not only allowed to stay open, they only got fined in the millions for the "violation". Seems to me that ethics are way more flexible than what the message to me is. Won't even get into the area of "laws" which have been weaponized such that because of my gender, age, assumed ethnic background, I would be treated as guilty and then have to prove my innocence. Yeah, that sticks in my craw.
On the better side, was able to get to the right people in the right places at the right time for that the $$$ owed to the hospitals are something that I can afford! The car is still running really well. Do have a set of ignition wires to install. Temperatures are cooling off which will let me have more outside time. Do have to cut back some grass this weekend and maybe start inspecting the flexible lines underneath the new to me car.
Wishing all here all the best
#44
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing self and child
Last post by Yael - September 09, 2025, 09:33:49 PMI did not send.
I think I need to very gently distance. If I go full on confrontational. Dad will fight. And win. He was fighting all these years. Collecting facts and shielding proof. When I just begged for cooperation.
I need to work gently and behind the screens.
I think I need to very gently distance. If I go full on confrontational. Dad will fight. And win. He was fighting all these years. Collecting facts and shielding proof. When I just begged for cooperation.
I need to work gently and behind the screens.
#45
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing self and child
Last post by Yael - September 09, 2025, 09:02:46 PMI made an email to foster care. I wrote I plea for parallel parenting. And no systems therapy. Dad will go insane and get back to me. Through kid. And I'm terrified. Finding the courage to send.
#46
Going Low/No Contact with Familial Abusers / Ouch it hurts
Last post by Yael - September 09, 2025, 06:29:49 PMI went no contact with my family. I only have my son and my dad. My son lives with my dad.
I am about to send an e-mail to the foster care organisation. They wrote a plan to improve cooperation. The systems therapist knows my story. And recommends solo parallel parenting. With only ultralow contact with dad. And no systems therapy. After my son moves out, in a few years, there will be no contact with dad. She says my wish for dad to behave like a dad, is too high an ideal. And I should let go.
I think I will say this is my wish.
I'm terrified of dads response. Also I am in pain. I've literally wailed ouch ouch ouch a moment ago. I love my father so much. I want a father-daughter relationship so much. He could love and appreciate my brothers. Why could he not love me? See me? Understand me?
I'm also terrified of the effect on the contact with my son. I'm also wailing because I will likely not have my son back. And I have to watch him grow up in that family, that wrecked our lives. And he is safe in only for as long as he goes along with their lies.
But I cannot do it anymore. He's messing up my mind with all the gaslighting and triangulation. It disturbs my care for kid.
I will leave an opening. That I am willing to try systems therapy if dad shows a convincing willingness to make a very active attempt to change. And to heal all the bonds in our family. That his triangulation wrecked.
I hurt.
I am about to send an e-mail to the foster care organisation. They wrote a plan to improve cooperation. The systems therapist knows my story. And recommends solo parallel parenting. With only ultralow contact with dad. And no systems therapy. After my son moves out, in a few years, there will be no contact with dad. She says my wish for dad to behave like a dad, is too high an ideal. And I should let go.
I think I will say this is my wish.
I'm terrified of dads response. Also I am in pain. I've literally wailed ouch ouch ouch a moment ago. I love my father so much. I want a father-daughter relationship so much. He could love and appreciate my brothers. Why could he not love me? See me? Understand me?
I'm also terrified of the effect on the contact with my son. I'm also wailing because I will likely not have my son back. And I have to watch him grow up in that family, that wrecked our lives. And he is safe in only for as long as he goes along with their lies.
But I cannot do it anymore. He's messing up my mind with all the gaslighting and triangulation. It disturbs my care for kid.
I will leave an opening. That I am willing to try systems therapy if dad shows a convincing willingness to make a very active attempt to change. And to heal all the bonds in our family. That his triangulation wrecked.
I hurt.
#47
Successes, Progress? / Re: new apartment & therapy
Last post by Kizzie - September 09, 2025, 06:29:29 PMMy congrats to you on your new apartment - have you moved in yet? Good luck with finding a new T, I hope that goes smoothly 
#48
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hello
Last post by Kizzie - September 09, 2025, 06:27:51 PMHi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm Roger! 
You are more than welcome to just read and make the occasional post - whatever works best for you.
You are more than welcome to just read and make the occasional post - whatever works best for you.
#49
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: One Act of Kindness to Mys...
Last post by Yael - September 09, 2025, 05:39:06 PMKid and I had sushi today. 
#50
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing self and child
Last post by Yael - September 09, 2025, 05:32:10 PMI have to answer the CPS plan today. I'm scared. I keep doubting myself. I keep feeling it is unkind to cut off dad. I want to be forgiven, how can I not forgive and reconcile?
My family has a really easy story: they are normal, I am crazy. They are right, I am wrong. They are good, I am bad. This enables them to function. And have a good life. My mind keeps going back and forth between everyones perspective. I think we were all crazy. We were all wrong. We were all bad. And we all had good sides too.
When I confronted the issues in the family, they always kept saying: you are crazy, you are dumb, you are the problem, you are wrong, your memory is wrong, you talk nonsense, you are fantasizing, you are hypersensitive, we only treat you like this because you are difficult, you deserve it, etc etc. It makes me doubt all the time. What if they are right and I AM the only problem? Would they have stopped abusing us if I had worked harder to change?
I also was abusive. I screamed and yelled that it should stop. I begged to seek help, I blindly panicked, I fled and ran off from home. I would sit at the station at night as a teen, fleeing the fighting at home. My parents must have been terrified. That makes it even more difficult. I feel I'm still responsible, fully, for my deeds. Even if I was driven to despair on purpose. I still had to be stronger. What if I had never fought back? Would their abuse have stopped in its tracks? I know if I kept completely silent, they would humiliate me for hours. And then conclude: see, you are the problem. Even if I literally did not say a word. But what if I had been stronger and continued refusing to join their game?
I especially feel guilty that I protected kid from his dad, but not from our troubles.
I'm scared. If I tell CPS I go no contact with dad, I fear this is permanent. I see his good sides. I see how hard he tried. I see how clueless he was. Next to the abuse and neglect. What if he can still change, if I'm more kind and calm in responding to him?
My family has a really easy story: they are normal, I am crazy. They are right, I am wrong. They are good, I am bad. This enables them to function. And have a good life. My mind keeps going back and forth between everyones perspective. I think we were all crazy. We were all wrong. We were all bad. And we all had good sides too.
When I confronted the issues in the family, they always kept saying: you are crazy, you are dumb, you are the problem, you are wrong, your memory is wrong, you talk nonsense, you are fantasizing, you are hypersensitive, we only treat you like this because you are difficult, you deserve it, etc etc. It makes me doubt all the time. What if they are right and I AM the only problem? Would they have stopped abusing us if I had worked harder to change?
I also was abusive. I screamed and yelled that it should stop. I begged to seek help, I blindly panicked, I fled and ran off from home. I would sit at the station at night as a teen, fleeing the fighting at home. My parents must have been terrified. That makes it even more difficult. I feel I'm still responsible, fully, for my deeds. Even if I was driven to despair on purpose. I still had to be stronger. What if I had never fought back? Would their abuse have stopped in its tracks? I know if I kept completely silent, they would humiliate me for hours. And then conclude: see, you are the problem. Even if I literally did not say a word. But what if I had been stronger and continued refusing to join their game?
I especially feel guilty that I protected kid from his dad, but not from our troubles.
I'm scared. If I tell CPS I go no contact with dad, I fear this is permanent. I see his good sides. I see how hard he tried. I see how clueless he was. Next to the abuse and neglect. What if he can still change, if I'm more kind and calm in responding to him?