Recent posts
#41
General Discussion / Re: Fear of men/fear of anger
Last post by Kizzie - June 29, 2025, 04:03:48 PMGood luck, I hope you are able to find some good professional help. 
#42
Recovery Journals / Re: Of course it's worth it!
Last post by Blueberry - June 29, 2025, 02:04:53 PMQuote from: sanmagic7 on June 29, 2025, 01:14:31 PMmaybe those lovely conversations kind of blew your circuits, blueberry. things might have simply been too much 'good' for you and you're needing some time to process, allow the good feelings from them to sink in, and finally be ok with them.
That is possible, you know. I used to act quite strongly that way. Probably goes back to FOO being very disapproving of anybody being kind to me or supporting me in any way that they considered dangerous to the status quo, or sometimes more than FOO being disapproving, sometimes they were downright emotionally abusive and/or neglectful.
#43
Recovery Journals / Re: Of course it's worth it!
Last post by sanmagic7 - June 29, 2025, 01:14:31 PMmaybe those lovely conversations kind of blew your circuits, blueberry. things might have simply been too much 'good' for you and you're needing some time to process, allow the good feelings from them to sink in, and finally be ok with them. just a thought.
at any rate, i hope you can accept that what your system needs right now is gentleness and kindness - sending love and a hug filled with both your way.
at any rate, i hope you can accept that what your system needs right now is gentleness and kindness - sending love and a hug filled with both your way.
#44
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by sanmagic7 - June 29, 2025, 01:10:06 PMhey, NK, i truly relate to not having feelings about things that happened in childhood, and having to cope with them now as they begin coming up. i'm right there with you - c-ptsd sucks! i've often found it overwhelming, too, to have these feelings pop up and don't always know what to do with them. from my experience, as i kept going w/ them, they became easier in time to cope with.
i'm glad you realized that therapy can still be helpful. c-ptsd has such a stunning array of ways to get to us, and i've found having help and support extremely important as i kept finding more. best to you! love and hugs
i'm glad you realized that therapy can still be helpful. c-ptsd has such a stunning array of ways to get to us, and i've found having help and support extremely important as i kept finding more. best to you! love and hugs
#45
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: A little bit about me
Last post by Dalloway - June 29, 2025, 12:54:30 PMWelcome to the forum, Trius, I´m glad you found us. It´s a really amazing place to start connecting to people because of the anonymity that protects us and all the wonderful people who went through similar experiences. I´m sorry that you suffered so much, but I´m glad you found a way to start healing. Trauma takes away so much from us and forms us in ways that we end up not liking about ourselves, but I believe that it´s possible to heal, even if it´s a life-long journey. So welcome again.
#46
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by Dalloway - June 29, 2025, 12:41:57 PMNothing is upsetting in what you wrote, in fact, I´m grateful for the hug and the support you are sending with your comment. The hardest thing for me right now is that I feel very alone with my feelings and very isolated, so the fact that you can relate to and understand me helps a lot. So as a thank you I´m sending a hug back.
#47
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by dollyvee - June 29, 2025, 08:47:31 AMHi NK,
I agree that there are sometimes things which come up in our lives that reveal, or break, the illusion of control that I have to function with in my life. Or, what I have always grown up with, managed, that has given me a sense of safety in the face of the unpredictability of my family, as you pinpointed. It's true that like you said, I had no idea they were there, or what they even were until it happened. For me, the big one is/was driving. I've broken it down over the years and have gotten better on my 0-60 anger over the carelessness of other drivers. It took me a while to work out though that the anger, and big emotional reactions, were a result of feeling like my life was somehow threatened by the negligence of others. Something which, writing this out, I can see was a situation I often had to deal with FOO. My m going out at night to the bar and leaving me home as six/seven year old while I was "asleep" was something I had to deal with. Waking up in the middle of the night while she was out was also something I had to deal with, and if anything happened during that time, that was up to me too.
So, I think for me, driving was the one thing where I couldn't avoid being put in potentially harmful situations (and at the mercy of other people) where it brought up all those feelings from before, and the resulting anger at being put in that situation in the first place. Like your t said, I think it has been helpful to bring these feelings up and acknowledge them. Well, maybe not just feel the feelings (as I think in the past I have got lost in that and not really known what to do with them or what the next step was), but to just be more aware of my internal world and when I was noticing shifts in what was happening if that makes sense. Like just saying, oh that's a different reaction what is that? This is where I think NARM has been so helpful for me. I am also realizing lately that there are things happening "under the surface" that I am not really conscious of that is taking work to bring out into the light. So, yeah CPTSD does suck, but it also gets better bit by bit sometimes.
I hope you are finding some space to process all this
dolly
I agree that there are sometimes things which come up in our lives that reveal, or break, the illusion of control that I have to function with in my life. Or, what I have always grown up with, managed, that has given me a sense of safety in the face of the unpredictability of my family, as you pinpointed. It's true that like you said, I had no idea they were there, or what they even were until it happened. For me, the big one is/was driving. I've broken it down over the years and have gotten better on my 0-60 anger over the carelessness of other drivers. It took me a while to work out though that the anger, and big emotional reactions, were a result of feeling like my life was somehow threatened by the negligence of others. Something which, writing this out, I can see was a situation I often had to deal with FOO. My m going out at night to the bar and leaving me home as six/seven year old while I was "asleep" was something I had to deal with. Waking up in the middle of the night while she was out was also something I had to deal with, and if anything happened during that time, that was up to me too.
So, I think for me, driving was the one thing where I couldn't avoid being put in potentially harmful situations (and at the mercy of other people) where it brought up all those feelings from before, and the resulting anger at being put in that situation in the first place. Like your t said, I think it has been helpful to bring these feelings up and acknowledge them. Well, maybe not just feel the feelings (as I think in the past I have got lost in that and not really known what to do with them or what the next step was), but to just be more aware of my internal world and when I was noticing shifts in what was happening if that makes sense. Like just saying, oh that's a different reaction what is that? This is where I think NARM has been so helpful for me. I am also realizing lately that there are things happening "under the surface" that I am not really conscious of that is taking work to bring out into the light. So, yeah CPTSD does suck, but it also gets better bit by bit sometimes.
I hope you are finding some space to process all this
dolly
#48
General Discussion / Re: Fear of men/fear of anger
Last post by Hungrydog27 - June 28, 2025, 11:35:19 PMAhh, I see. Alright then.
#49
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - June 28, 2025, 10:21:52 PM28 June 2025
At times I wonder what 'reasons' there are for the events that I went through in my experience leading up to this moment. I know that I'm seeing / perceiving? from my limited human viewpoint. And yet, chuckle, and yet there are times the question why? Seeking some reason, something that I can hang a hat on, to point to and say "That, that there is the why I went through X. Some events I have knowings about them. I have a certain why for them. All being retrospective in nature. Dam_ede5t thing is that even now, in this moment, after pulling off some amazing things, surviving events / situations that others, well, let me say that they removed themselves from the equation. Indeed, the cohort that I was placed in by the supposed adults at the time, not good life results, I don't remember the exact percentages of adoptees have serious mental issues, CPTSD, over represented in prison like 5x or more for "serious" crimes against people, drug addiction (all flavors) not to mention the "anti-social" parts like property damage, grand theft, and, and, and.
Here I sit, in a rental that I can afford, have friends, not many but I've never been one for having a huge posse, steady work, steady income, grinding my way out of a financial hole left by becoming single again{worth every penny as she is a BPD} some family, getting here to this moment has been one long strange trip.
I remember the feelings and thoughts tho, of the ages I was before. The feelings of not being "wanted", of being discarded, of that I shouldn't be here in this realm, of playing pretend to hide my true feelings, my true self, the me that was screaming inside from the loss of the woman that carried me to term, because the "help" from the person in the role of mother wasn't about me, what I was going through, what BS had been foisted upon me, an innocent, no it was 99% about her, and her feelings, and her perspectives and her, her, her, her. I was the "legal fiction" that was approved of by the state, the church, the community at large! Oh how wonderful that person is to take on such a burden and give the poor waif a chance at a "better" life. Whatever the F that means. In a sense, I was trafficked. Reading the social worker's notes and the corrosion that drips from the pages, the whole self-righteousness, we know far better than you, and how dare my mother, a young gal, 20, from an very abusive home, even think about possibly being able to care for me, her own blood.
Even now, there are times when I hear a voice and part of me reacts in recognition of the voice I heard whilst I was being knit together in the womb, certain smells, certain patterns of life, ingrained within my own self, not only in DNA but in the 9 months as well, and to this day I grieve that loss, I suffer stoically because the loss happened so very very early that I do not know consciously of anything different. The hole that has always been. The hole that even now, with me caring for my inner kiddo's, that void remains.
The years spent in pushing the envelope with extreme risks being taken because I'm not supposed to be here so why not? If I die, I die. F it. And that was on top of all the testosterone that was coursing through my body. crumpled steel, shattered glass, Broken bones, bone bruises, road rash, there is not a single inch of skin that is not scarred in some manner, while nothing compares to the emotional torture that I endured due to others who should have known better.
Lady Death and I have danced on many occasion. Some more dramatic than others. Why the gentle lady hasn't taken me I do not know. Perhaps there is that one thing, that thing that I must do in this realm before I'm accepted into her embrace? Perhaps it's a multitude of things? The answer still eludes me. I know she is there, the gentle lady, waiting, just over my right shoulder where she's been ever since I can remember. I'm well versed in the cycle of life. I know that eventually my physical body will feed the beings in the soil which is as it should be, and that eventually everything will be used to support life in all it's myriad forms. The grand cycle will continue. And I am not so grandiose to think that preserving this mortal coil will in any way benefit anyone in the future. If the bones fossilize over some vast eon of time, then perhaps they might be important to some being. Or they may be made into bric-a-brac for some beings visual amusement. Either way, makes not one iota of difference to me, now, in this moment.
The concept of legacy has also been bouncing round the brain pan of late. Yes, I have left some little something already that will outlive me. Houses built, encouragement given, a friendly voice, at times teaching, even a friendly wave at a police officer that has to deal with not good folks on the regular. It is always so wonderful because the LEO will be confused at first, then will finally smile and wave back. One never knows, perhaps me doing that changed things just enough so that they could see something besides what they deal with on the daily. Side note. When traveling in the US, and you are in an unfamiliar town, if you find a officer, walk up and politely ask where a good place to eat is. I have never been steered wrong. I've even been escorted to the restaurant as a courtesy a couple of times. They know all the best hole in the wall family operated places where the food is the star of the show.
My daily experience is overall really good! The peace, the tranquility, yes sh-- happens. Murphy's law is a legit thing. Expecting that things will go sideways and when it does, no big deal. When it doesn't go sideways, Bonus! chuckle. I reckon that this time of not having another being around is a needful thing. It allows me the space and depth to perceive inner things, do inner work, because there isn't something external I can use as an excuse to not tend to myself. I don't know what the future is bringing. I do know however that I want to be around to see it. My mind is still attempting to grasp that I, me, who grew up with no tribe, no connection to even the idea of nation, and now I have both? And a language that I think would be really cool for me to learn? Holy Spitballs! And! the nation has it's own webpage / socials and I've been looking at the pictures and in the occasional image, I see people that I feel I should recognize, Almost like they in many respects, look like me. It's kinda like how here in the US you can see someone and you can kinda tell which area of the country they grew up in? Yeah, it's kinda like that.
My thanks to all the brave souls that took the time to read this. To all the brave souls here, in this space, I wish you the best.
At times I wonder what 'reasons' there are for the events that I went through in my experience leading up to this moment. I know that I'm seeing / perceiving? from my limited human viewpoint. And yet, chuckle, and yet there are times the question why? Seeking some reason, something that I can hang a hat on, to point to and say "That, that there is the why I went through X. Some events I have knowings about them. I have a certain why for them. All being retrospective in nature. Dam_ede5t thing is that even now, in this moment, after pulling off some amazing things, surviving events / situations that others, well, let me say that they removed themselves from the equation. Indeed, the cohort that I was placed in by the supposed adults at the time, not good life results, I don't remember the exact percentages of adoptees have serious mental issues, CPTSD, over represented in prison like 5x or more for "serious" crimes against people, drug addiction (all flavors) not to mention the "anti-social" parts like property damage, grand theft, and, and, and.
Here I sit, in a rental that I can afford, have friends, not many but I've never been one for having a huge posse, steady work, steady income, grinding my way out of a financial hole left by becoming single again{worth every penny as she is a BPD} some family, getting here to this moment has been one long strange trip.
I remember the feelings and thoughts tho, of the ages I was before. The feelings of not being "wanted", of being discarded, of that I shouldn't be here in this realm, of playing pretend to hide my true feelings, my true self, the me that was screaming inside from the loss of the woman that carried me to term, because the "help" from the person in the role of mother wasn't about me, what I was going through, what BS had been foisted upon me, an innocent, no it was 99% about her, and her feelings, and her perspectives and her, her, her, her. I was the "legal fiction" that was approved of by the state, the church, the community at large! Oh how wonderful that person is to take on such a burden and give the poor waif a chance at a "better" life. Whatever the F that means. In a sense, I was trafficked. Reading the social worker's notes and the corrosion that drips from the pages, the whole self-righteousness, we know far better than you, and how dare my mother, a young gal, 20, from an very abusive home, even think about possibly being able to care for me, her own blood.
Even now, there are times when I hear a voice and part of me reacts in recognition of the voice I heard whilst I was being knit together in the womb, certain smells, certain patterns of life, ingrained within my own self, not only in DNA but in the 9 months as well, and to this day I grieve that loss, I suffer stoically because the loss happened so very very early that I do not know consciously of anything different. The hole that has always been. The hole that even now, with me caring for my inner kiddo's, that void remains.
The years spent in pushing the envelope with extreme risks being taken because I'm not supposed to be here so why not? If I die, I die. F it. And that was on top of all the testosterone that was coursing through my body. crumpled steel, shattered glass, Broken bones, bone bruises, road rash, there is not a single inch of skin that is not scarred in some manner, while nothing compares to the emotional torture that I endured due to others who should have known better.
Lady Death and I have danced on many occasion. Some more dramatic than others. Why the gentle lady hasn't taken me I do not know. Perhaps there is that one thing, that thing that I must do in this realm before I'm accepted into her embrace? Perhaps it's a multitude of things? The answer still eludes me. I know she is there, the gentle lady, waiting, just over my right shoulder where she's been ever since I can remember. I'm well versed in the cycle of life. I know that eventually my physical body will feed the beings in the soil which is as it should be, and that eventually everything will be used to support life in all it's myriad forms. The grand cycle will continue. And I am not so grandiose to think that preserving this mortal coil will in any way benefit anyone in the future. If the bones fossilize over some vast eon of time, then perhaps they might be important to some being. Or they may be made into bric-a-brac for some beings visual amusement. Either way, makes not one iota of difference to me, now, in this moment.
The concept of legacy has also been bouncing round the brain pan of late. Yes, I have left some little something already that will outlive me. Houses built, encouragement given, a friendly voice, at times teaching, even a friendly wave at a police officer that has to deal with not good folks on the regular. It is always so wonderful because the LEO will be confused at first, then will finally smile and wave back. One never knows, perhaps me doing that changed things just enough so that they could see something besides what they deal with on the daily. Side note. When traveling in the US, and you are in an unfamiliar town, if you find a officer, walk up and politely ask where a good place to eat is. I have never been steered wrong. I've even been escorted to the restaurant as a courtesy a couple of times. They know all the best hole in the wall family operated places where the food is the star of the show.
My daily experience is overall really good! The peace, the tranquility, yes sh-- happens. Murphy's law is a legit thing. Expecting that things will go sideways and when it does, no big deal. When it doesn't go sideways, Bonus! chuckle. I reckon that this time of not having another being around is a needful thing. It allows me the space and depth to perceive inner things, do inner work, because there isn't something external I can use as an excuse to not tend to myself. I don't know what the future is bringing. I do know however that I want to be around to see it. My mind is still attempting to grasp that I, me, who grew up with no tribe, no connection to even the idea of nation, and now I have both? And a language that I think would be really cool for me to learn? Holy Spitballs! And! the nation has it's own webpage / socials and I've been looking at the pictures and in the occasional image, I see people that I feel I should recognize, Almost like they in many respects, look like me. It's kinda like how here in the US you can see someone and you can kinda tell which area of the country they grew up in? Yeah, it's kinda like that.
My thanks to all the brave souls that took the time to read this. To all the brave souls here, in this space, I wish you the best.
#50
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Re: Does Anyone Else Have Prob...
Last post by Blueberry - June 28, 2025, 08:53:46 PMQuote from: BlueMoon_ on June 27, 2025, 04:48:13 AMit's more related to not feeling like my body is strong enough.
I agree with Armee that that makes perfect sense.
I have a lot of problems with my body when triggered, but different from yours which is why I didn't respond yesterday when I saw your post. I think I'd better not try and list them now, my body is getting itchy at the thought, so triggered mildly at the thought.
I don't think I have ever mentioned a symptom of mine here on the forum without at least one person saying they have that too. So I'm sure there'll be a least one other person with your symptom here, even if they don't see and respond to your post.