Recent posts
#31
Please Introduce Yourself Here / New here
Last post by Recovery68 - November 01, 2025, 05:04:09 PMHello, I am happy to have found this forum... and hope that it helps me find the peace and feeling of community I seek.
So, I've never been better (because I have a confirmed explanation) and yet I've never felt more alone than I do at this moment (because that is the current fact of my life).
I am 68 and all my life I've been a square peg. Things have always been extremely difficult: from having/keeping a job, to choosing a healthy relationship, to immense feelings of being wrong and not enough. I am so tired.
I am retired on very little money in today's climate and that creates a whole new set of issues to contend with. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere and that I am seen and appreciated. I am very good at doing that for others.
I have done a tremendous amount of "healing work" for my childhood trauma and have made grand progress. Recently, I moved into a housing situation because I felt I had no other choice from a financial perspective, and it has been triggering at every turn. This experience has taken me into the depths of despair because of the hard "lessons" I'm being forced to learn. Part of me is grateful for what I've let go of but I can only take so much apathy and lack of cooperation in the space I most need to feel a sense of safety.
Thankfully the diagnosis of CPTSD came into my awareness. Initially, it was a huge positive because at last, I had an "explanation" for my ups and downs, idiosyncrasies, and my regular inability to "just choose" something happier as many normals advise.
Then this morning, I felt so hopeless I could barely get out of bed. Joining this forum helps. I feel terribly alone most of the time, even with all the "rational/logical" healing work. I have 2 friends (normal, so they don't really get it but are trying). I don't know what I would do without my beloved dog.
My sister and children have abandoned me because they don't get it and before I couldn't explain it. Now that I have a diagnosis they might understand but I don't feel up to risking their further rejection. With the holidays coming up, this is particularly heartbreaking for me. Another year alone.
I will take my dog to the woods. Nature helps me ground and feel better but then I have to come back to the housing situation.
Thank you to everyone responsible for this forum. I pray I find some relief soon.
Beth
So, I've never been better (because I have a confirmed explanation) and yet I've never felt more alone than I do at this moment (because that is the current fact of my life).
I am 68 and all my life I've been a square peg. Things have always been extremely difficult: from having/keeping a job, to choosing a healthy relationship, to immense feelings of being wrong and not enough. I am so tired.
I am retired on very little money in today's climate and that creates a whole new set of issues to contend with. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere and that I am seen and appreciated. I am very good at doing that for others.
I have done a tremendous amount of "healing work" for my childhood trauma and have made grand progress. Recently, I moved into a housing situation because I felt I had no other choice from a financial perspective, and it has been triggering at every turn. This experience has taken me into the depths of despair because of the hard "lessons" I'm being forced to learn. Part of me is grateful for what I've let go of but I can only take so much apathy and lack of cooperation in the space I most need to feel a sense of safety.
Thankfully the diagnosis of CPTSD came into my awareness. Initially, it was a huge positive because at last, I had an "explanation" for my ups and downs, idiosyncrasies, and my regular inability to "just choose" something happier as many normals advise.
Then this morning, I felt so hopeless I could barely get out of bed. Joining this forum helps. I feel terribly alone most of the time, even with all the "rational/logical" healing work. I have 2 friends (normal, so they don't really get it but are trying). I don't know what I would do without my beloved dog.
My sister and children have abandoned me because they don't get it and before I couldn't explain it. Now that I have a diagnosis they might understand but I don't feel up to risking their further rejection. With the holidays coming up, this is particularly heartbreaking for me. Another year alone.
I will take my dog to the woods. Nature helps me ground and feel better but then I have to come back to the housing situation.
Thank you to everyone responsible for this forum. I pray I find some relief soon.
Beth
#32
About Complex PTSD / Re: Information about Trauma, ...
Last post by Recovery68 - November 01, 2025, 03:59:24 PMI would love to view this movie. Is there anywhere currently that I can watch it? Thank you.
#33
Therapy / Re: Therapy directly on a core...
Last post by Kizzie - November 01, 2025, 03:51:49 PMI think what I didn't make clear is that it wasn't just in my head but in my heart also. That is, how I was feeling when I was thinking about this deep core wound. I think head and heart collided and merged in the moment when I realized and felt I was not the bad person my parents and I myself had been telling me I was.
Whatever works best for you though of course!
Whatever works best for you though of course!
#34
Therapy / Re: Meeting with a new therapi...
Last post by beet - November 01, 2025, 03:14:26 PMThank you everyone! The good news is it seems like it's going to be a good fit. We're going to meet once a week for the next 6 weeks and check in there. I think I really just need a safe space to talk about stuff.
Also always a good sign (sarcastic) that when you tell a therapist what you think of as the "Light" version of your trauma and they repeatedly wince
Also always a good sign (sarcastic) that when you tell a therapist what you think of as the "Light" version of your trauma and they repeatedly wince
#35
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - November 01, 2025, 02:38:44 PMSan.
I'm going to totally get on board with your comments that maybe it's not worth figuring out which fears come from which source. We are who we are because of everything we've been through. Whether we remember going through it or not, we went through it and it shaped us and now we are who we are.
A bunch of today's most current authors on trauma are starting to teach that we need to stop dividing our internal parts within ourselves, and to love and embrace every part of ourselves, even the broken parts. My IFS parts, even the ones that give me trouble, want to be loved. And if I can love everything in my life, even the pain and suffering, then I'm gaining the love I need for my healing.
So I try to catch myself now whenever I get down on myself for dropping something, or losing something, or breaking something by remembering to love my clumsiness as a part of who I am. The holistic feeling of loving even the parts of myself I didn't used to love, is reeeeealy empowering. The love grows quickly. Even through my Autumn Anxiety, I suffer, but I love my suffering-self as much as I love any other part of my Self, and it seems to be giving me a new sense of inner strength and stability.
It feels like I've been broken into pieces my whole life, and those pieces are starting to come back together. I feel like I'm becoming less fractured, more like I'm being put back together.
I'll talk more about this as I get comfortable with it. I'm only just getting started on self-love. I need some time to practice it and see if it lasts or if it's temporary. But I will say this: If someone like me can learn to love myself holistically, then that's a powerful statement on the power of love. Up to now I couldn't even muster up enough self-love to be able to stand looking at myself in a mirror.
I'm going to totally get on board with your comments that maybe it's not worth figuring out which fears come from which source. We are who we are because of everything we've been through. Whether we remember going through it or not, we went through it and it shaped us and now we are who we are.
A bunch of today's most current authors on trauma are starting to teach that we need to stop dividing our internal parts within ourselves, and to love and embrace every part of ourselves, even the broken parts. My IFS parts, even the ones that give me trouble, want to be loved. And if I can love everything in my life, even the pain and suffering, then I'm gaining the love I need for my healing.
So I try to catch myself now whenever I get down on myself for dropping something, or losing something, or breaking something by remembering to love my clumsiness as a part of who I am. The holistic feeling of loving even the parts of myself I didn't used to love, is reeeeealy empowering. The love grows quickly. Even through my Autumn Anxiety, I suffer, but I love my suffering-self as much as I love any other part of my Self, and it seems to be giving me a new sense of inner strength and stability.
It feels like I've been broken into pieces my whole life, and those pieces are starting to come back together. I feel like I'm becoming less fractured, more like I'm being put back together.
I'll talk more about this as I get comfortable with it. I'm only just getting started on self-love. I need some time to practice it and see if it lasts or if it's temporary. But I will say this: If someone like me can learn to love myself holistically, then that's a powerful statement on the power of love. Up to now I couldn't even muster up enough self-love to be able to stand looking at myself in a mirror.
#36
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by sanmagic7 - November 01, 2025, 01:58:44 PMPC, i totally get the 'times it's safer to drive' thing! where i live, it seems most accidents happen at intersections, so those are the places, especially in the afternoon when work's getting out, i'm more cautious than ever before. and more scared. and, yep, i have those fears you mentioned as well. driving, especially on the road, so to speak, was my 'safe' place, and that's taken away now. it doesn't leave us w/ a lot, does it.
i hate that we have to go thru this. fyi.
as far as what's trauma based and what's natural, i'm not sure either. maybe they're intermixed for us now. my ex had terrible road rage, and i know there are others out there like that, for no reason except what was in his mind and how he perceived some perfectly normal (to me) lane-changing or whatever. he took it completely personally, like they were doing it to him on purpose to make a fool out of him or something. so, yeah, i think some of it is mixed. my reflexes aren't as quick as they used to be, so i'm going to make some inadvertent mistakes once in a while, but how those might be perceived by others? well, who knows? fingers crossed and prayers flyin', for the most part.
we'll figure it out, or it won't really be worth figuring out, and we'll just do the best we can with what we've got. or so i want to believe. love and hugs
i hate that we have to go thru this. fyi.
as far as what's trauma based and what's natural, i'm not sure either. maybe they're intermixed for us now. my ex had terrible road rage, and i know there are others out there like that, for no reason except what was in his mind and how he perceived some perfectly normal (to me) lane-changing or whatever. he took it completely personally, like they were doing it to him on purpose to make a fool out of him or something. so, yeah, i think some of it is mixed. my reflexes aren't as quick as they used to be, so i'm going to make some inadvertent mistakes once in a while, but how those might be perceived by others? well, who knows? fingers crossed and prayers flyin', for the most part.
we'll figure it out, or it won't really be worth figuring out, and we'll just do the best we can with what we've got. or so i want to believe. love and hugs
#37
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by sanmagic7 - November 01, 2025, 01:47:05 PMhey, D.A.G, i get it about the therapist thing - i don't have one right now for the same reasons. so, we do what we can with what we have. thanks for sharing, for not hiding - as i've come to believe, we've taken on the shame for others, that they're the ones who deserve to feel ashamed. whatever happened to us, it is not on us. we didn't do it, it was done to us, no matter the circumstances. their fault, their shame, guilt, all of it. i think it's ok to let them have what's rightfully theirs, so we don't have to carry it around anymore.
not that it's easy to do that. no, it's not. it takes practice, mistakes, learning, more practice. just know you're not alone in this. we're all practicing together. i'm smiling now at that notion - it's nice to feel the extra energy. i hope you get to feel it as well. sending love and a gentle hug for all you're going thru, even w/ scrambled egg brain.
not that it's easy to do that. no, it's not. it takes practice, mistakes, learning, more practice. just know you're not alone in this. we're all practicing together. i'm smiling now at that notion - it's nice to feel the extra energy. i hope you get to feel it as well. sending love and a gentle hug for all you're going thru, even w/ scrambled egg brain.
#38
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - November 01, 2025, 05:09:57 AM10/31/2025
For a rabbit hole .. Randall Carlson on the origins of the day of the dead / All Hallows Eve. Really eye opening. Also makes one wonder about how accurate the history that is held up by a narrative. And who is best served by that narrative.
The poop show around the sister that has passed, Had some interesting conversations over the last few days about end of life stuff. Been wondering about aspects of when I'm burning in, which folks are "worthy" of the bits and bobs that I've collected over the years. Tools, hand drums, high school diploma (giggle) watches, and I really don't know right now. There's no nieces / nephews, there is my daughter however she's not into the drum stuff. Maybe some of the tools.. Even then though..
Ugh.
Much to ponder.
Wishing all here all the best
For a rabbit hole .. Randall Carlson on the origins of the day of the dead / All Hallows Eve. Really eye opening. Also makes one wonder about how accurate the history that is held up by a narrative. And who is best served by that narrative.
The poop show around the sister that has passed, Had some interesting conversations over the last few days about end of life stuff. Been wondering about aspects of when I'm burning in, which folks are "worthy" of the bits and bobs that I've collected over the years. Tools, hand drums, high school diploma (giggle) watches, and I really don't know right now. There's no nieces / nephews, there is my daughter however she's not into the drum stuff. Maybe some of the tools.. Even then though..
Ugh.
Much to ponder.
Wishing all here all the best
#39
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by Papa Coco - October 31, 2025, 07:04:31 PMSan,
I'm glad you got your bison. My mom was like yours. She'd rummage through my room while I was at school and throw away my possessions. When I'd find them missing, I'd ask. She'd say "You didn't need those anymore." If I ever argued back (which I only did once, then learned not to bother arguing ever again), she'd laugh at me like I was an idiot.
So I resonate with how your bison gives you comfort AND with your scars from losing the doll you once loved.
Even though they were our mothers, I still call it bullying. Bullying is when we use whatever advantage we have, (age, size, authority, wealth) do something to someone without their permission. And the one thing I hate most about bullying is that it works. They win. Bullies win. and I HATE THAT!
I'm glad your D loved you enough to give you a bison and I'm very happy to hear your spirit animal is with you physically now at slumber time.
PC
I'm glad you got your bison. My mom was like yours. She'd rummage through my room while I was at school and throw away my possessions. When I'd find them missing, I'd ask. She'd say "You didn't need those anymore." If I ever argued back (which I only did once, then learned not to bother arguing ever again), she'd laugh at me like I was an idiot.
So I resonate with how your bison gives you comfort AND with your scars from losing the doll you once loved.
Even though they were our mothers, I still call it bullying. Bullying is when we use whatever advantage we have, (age, size, authority, wealth) do something to someone without their permission. And the one thing I hate most about bullying is that it works. They win. Bullies win. and I HATE THAT!
I'm glad your D loved you enough to give you a bison and I'm very happy to hear your spirit animal is with you physically now at slumber time.
PC
#40
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by Papa Coco - October 31, 2025, 06:53:19 PMDark.Art.Girl,
Wow. I'm feeling your post in every fiber of my being. This got strongest when you said "...It's like I'm constantly making connections to that time period now. Has anyone ever experienced that? A song, a familiar looking person, the way the air feels around you, a smell, and it's just brings you back to the same spot? Constantly? Kind of like a loop."
Yes, YES! I've experienced it. Big time. When I first started remembering my CSA, I was in my late twenties, and as we come into the time of year when my abuse happened, I started losing my ability to know what year it was. It still happens to me on a smaller scale now. When I'm in an EF about what happened in 1967, I start to be unsure of what is memory and what is current. One day, I was alone in my bedroom and I heard my wife talking to our kids in the kitchen. I suddenly wasn't sure if that was my wife in 1989, or it was my mother in 1967 talking. The past and the present seemed to be occupying the exact same space in my head for a few moments.
it still happens now. Sometimes, as you say, it's a song or a physical reminder that brings the past back to life, other times it's the pain today that feels exactly like the pain of the past.
In a novel I'm reading right now, the author starts one of his chapters with the quote: "Walking through peaceful grounds, years after the battle, the soldier can still hear the cannons." Bingo! That's me, and it sounds like it's where you're at right now. You can still hear the cannons.
I am mortified when I read how you've just discovered justice was never served. That is triggering for me too. (Don't fret: I like feeling triggers that prove I am resonating with a fellow soul). there never was any justice in my case. My abuse in the 1960s was never reported, and the abusers are all dead now. BUT I felt some joy when you said yours had all been convicted, and then I felt your pain when you said you just found out they weren't.
I am of the belief that the one thing that did the most damage to anyone with trauma disorders is the sense of being alone with the trauma. Having the abusers convicted didn't erase what they did, but conviction does give some sense that someone cared enough to punish them and take them off the streets. To find out that never happened feels like being hit in the head with a shovel. It just makes us feel like nobody really cared what was done to us, and that's where trauma gets its traction. It's been said that a child isn't traumatized by abuse. The child is traumatized by dealing with abuse alone.
But here on OOTS, we're not alone. When we open up to each other we find the friendship and support that we've been craving.
I hope the loving responses you're getting from the other OOTS members here helps soften the trauma.
I've learned to not panic when the past is brought back into the present and I get confused as to what year it is. It plays itself out and eventually goes back to its corner of my brain. I think it's okay to feel it. Love the younger version of yourself. Be the adult who cares for her. Imagine her in your arms, hugging you. Maybe sobbing on your shoulder and be the person who loves her back and promises that everything will turn out okay.
Younger you wants to be loved and you want to love her. I'm finding that to be the place where healing starts. The one thing all of us want is to be loved and accepted. That's true for our IFS parts too. The magic is in the love we give to each other and to ourselves.
I'll be thinking about you all day today.
PC.
Wow. I'm feeling your post in every fiber of my being. This got strongest when you said "...It's like I'm constantly making connections to that time period now. Has anyone ever experienced that? A song, a familiar looking person, the way the air feels around you, a smell, and it's just brings you back to the same spot? Constantly? Kind of like a loop."
Yes, YES! I've experienced it. Big time. When I first started remembering my CSA, I was in my late twenties, and as we come into the time of year when my abuse happened, I started losing my ability to know what year it was. It still happens to me on a smaller scale now. When I'm in an EF about what happened in 1967, I start to be unsure of what is memory and what is current. One day, I was alone in my bedroom and I heard my wife talking to our kids in the kitchen. I suddenly wasn't sure if that was my wife in 1989, or it was my mother in 1967 talking. The past and the present seemed to be occupying the exact same space in my head for a few moments.
it still happens now. Sometimes, as you say, it's a song or a physical reminder that brings the past back to life, other times it's the pain today that feels exactly like the pain of the past.
In a novel I'm reading right now, the author starts one of his chapters with the quote: "Walking through peaceful grounds, years after the battle, the soldier can still hear the cannons." Bingo! That's me, and it sounds like it's where you're at right now. You can still hear the cannons.
I am mortified when I read how you've just discovered justice was never served. That is triggering for me too. (Don't fret: I like feeling triggers that prove I am resonating with a fellow soul). there never was any justice in my case. My abuse in the 1960s was never reported, and the abusers are all dead now. BUT I felt some joy when you said yours had all been convicted, and then I felt your pain when you said you just found out they weren't.
I am of the belief that the one thing that did the most damage to anyone with trauma disorders is the sense of being alone with the trauma. Having the abusers convicted didn't erase what they did, but conviction does give some sense that someone cared enough to punish them and take them off the streets. To find out that never happened feels like being hit in the head with a shovel. It just makes us feel like nobody really cared what was done to us, and that's where trauma gets its traction. It's been said that a child isn't traumatized by abuse. The child is traumatized by dealing with abuse alone.
But here on OOTS, we're not alone. When we open up to each other we find the friendship and support that we've been craving.
I hope the loving responses you're getting from the other OOTS members here helps soften the trauma.
I've learned to not panic when the past is brought back into the present and I get confused as to what year it is. It plays itself out and eventually goes back to its corner of my brain. I think it's okay to feel it. Love the younger version of yourself. Be the adult who cares for her. Imagine her in your arms, hugging you. Maybe sobbing on your shoulder and be the person who loves her back and promises that everything will turn out okay.
Younger you wants to be loved and you want to love her. I'm finding that to be the place where healing starts. The one thing all of us want is to be loved and accepted. That's true for our IFS parts too. The magic is in the love we give to each other and to ourselves.
I'll be thinking about you all day today.
PC.