Recent posts
#31
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by NarcKiddo - September 12, 2025, 01:17:54 PMI've been struggling a bit lately. My T's suggestion we cut frequency of therapy may have been a very canny move on her part because it has jolted me into going quite a bit deeper in our sessions. That's been hard, but beneficial, and resulted in my making a big breakthrough in actually telling my husband a bit about my dissociation, which happens all over the place but particularly in the car. I wrote about it in the private journal section.
However, it just keeps being hard and throwing up more to deal with.
When I was reporting the breakthrough to T after a bit of a break due to holiday I was feeling a bit anti-climactic. Like I'd done this REALLY big thing and it should have magically solved all my problems (hello, inner children!) but it hadn't. And then I actually dissociated in the session, which I've written about in the avoidance section of the forum. I'm sure I've done that before, too, but on this occasion I could see it happening and told my T but teenage NK (for I am now pretty sure she is responsible for my dissociation) finished the job and I found I could not remember quite a chunk of the session despite journaling it immediately after finishing it.
Then there has been another slight therapy gap due to holiday and I had another session yesterday. In the meantime I have decided to find out more about dissociation and bought a book called The Haunted Self. It is an academic book aimed at therapists and not an easy read because it is so full of citations that it can be hard to follow the train of the text. However it is a sound, and very interesting book. But teenage NK objects to my reading it. Every time I try I find myself feeling really sleepy or I have an urgent need for chocolate. She has tried to engage little NK in the fight against this book, too, but I found that sitting with a cuddly toy while reading it calmed little NK so she is not making waves any more.
I was talking this over with T yesterday. It feels like teenage NK is scared of the book. She thinks I want to stop dissociating (I do!) and she will then lose her power. More than that - I think she fears I am trying to annihilate her. And then who will look after little NK? So T and I have a lot of work to do around teenage NK, it seems. At least we have identified this issue, which is good. But one of teenage NK's feelings is that she was constantly having to keep plates spinning to satisfy FOO, and teachers, and bosses and whoever else. And she still has to keep all these plates spinning. T suggested that we might work on getting her to realise that she does not have to do this any more, and that she can put the plates down. Slowly, of course, one at a time. All these plates are not her responsibility and never should have been. Well, teenage NK did not like that at all. Where will she put the plates? What will happen to the plates? They might break. It became apparent that she does realise she cannot spin every plate in the world, but when she becomes overwhelmed and knows a plate is out of her control she fears the end of the world and we get a freeze response. The idea of simply putting the plates down was totally incomprehensible to her!
And I have no idea what to do with teenage NK. I've already expressed surprise in the past to T when teenage NK showed up. I'd only just got to grips with having a "nice" little NK to take into account and then this "bolshy" teen NK appeared. Yes, I used those terms out loud to my T. Yes it was mean. There is no reason for teenage NK to like me right now. She doesn't trust me and right now I have no idea how to go about rectifying that.
My T is very hands off in terms of telling me what to do. I know that is the right approach, especially since I have spent my whole life allowing myself to be told what to do/feel etc. But all I (or at least the inner children) want T to do is tell us what to do and then pat us on the head and give us a gold star for doing it so well. But she loves hearing me and then saying "what might be a way of dealing with that?". And then I flail around trying to be a model client and come up with the right answer. Only yesterday I didn't. Teenage NK was very much around, since we were discussing her, and she flat out told T she is angry at being asked to suggest the right answers because that just adds more plates for her to spin. This is no doubt progress in terms of expressing vulnerability, but it felt very uncomfortable. To say the least.
However, it just keeps being hard and throwing up more to deal with.
When I was reporting the breakthrough to T after a bit of a break due to holiday I was feeling a bit anti-climactic. Like I'd done this REALLY big thing and it should have magically solved all my problems (hello, inner children!) but it hadn't. And then I actually dissociated in the session, which I've written about in the avoidance section of the forum. I'm sure I've done that before, too, but on this occasion I could see it happening and told my T but teenage NK (for I am now pretty sure she is responsible for my dissociation) finished the job and I found I could not remember quite a chunk of the session despite journaling it immediately after finishing it.
Then there has been another slight therapy gap due to holiday and I had another session yesterday. In the meantime I have decided to find out more about dissociation and bought a book called The Haunted Self. It is an academic book aimed at therapists and not an easy read because it is so full of citations that it can be hard to follow the train of the text. However it is a sound, and very interesting book. But teenage NK objects to my reading it. Every time I try I find myself feeling really sleepy or I have an urgent need for chocolate. She has tried to engage little NK in the fight against this book, too, but I found that sitting with a cuddly toy while reading it calmed little NK so she is not making waves any more.
I was talking this over with T yesterday. It feels like teenage NK is scared of the book. She thinks I want to stop dissociating (I do!) and she will then lose her power. More than that - I think she fears I am trying to annihilate her. And then who will look after little NK? So T and I have a lot of work to do around teenage NK, it seems. At least we have identified this issue, which is good. But one of teenage NK's feelings is that she was constantly having to keep plates spinning to satisfy FOO, and teachers, and bosses and whoever else. And she still has to keep all these plates spinning. T suggested that we might work on getting her to realise that she does not have to do this any more, and that she can put the plates down. Slowly, of course, one at a time. All these plates are not her responsibility and never should have been. Well, teenage NK did not like that at all. Where will she put the plates? What will happen to the plates? They might break. It became apparent that she does realise she cannot spin every plate in the world, but when she becomes overwhelmed and knows a plate is out of her control she fears the end of the world and we get a freeze response. The idea of simply putting the plates down was totally incomprehensible to her!
And I have no idea what to do with teenage NK. I've already expressed surprise in the past to T when teenage NK showed up. I'd only just got to grips with having a "nice" little NK to take into account and then this "bolshy" teen NK appeared. Yes, I used those terms out loud to my T. Yes it was mean. There is no reason for teenage NK to like me right now. She doesn't trust me and right now I have no idea how to go about rectifying that.
My T is very hands off in terms of telling me what to do. I know that is the right approach, especially since I have spent my whole life allowing myself to be told what to do/feel etc. But all I (or at least the inner children) want T to do is tell us what to do and then pat us on the head and give us a gold star for doing it so well. But she loves hearing me and then saying "what might be a way of dealing with that?". And then I flail around trying to be a model client and come up with the right answer. Only yesterday I didn't. Teenage NK was very much around, since we were discussing her, and she flat out told T she is angry at being asked to suggest the right answers because that just adds more plates for her to spin. This is no doubt progress in terms of expressing vulnerability, but it felt very uncomfortable. To say the least.
#32
Anxiety / Re: Fear of speaking up
Last post by sanmagic7 - September 12, 2025, 01:17:53 PMwhat a horrible situation to be in! so very sorry you're so stuck, yael. i've gotten backlash for speaking up as well, so i can related. i know it's difficult to find someone who will listen, let alone advocate for you. these mind games are the worst and leave no visible wounds, which makes it difficult, i know, to be believed, let alone validated.
i'm glad you were able to speak up here. i believe you and want only the best for you and your son. i wish i could help more. hopefully you'll eventually find someone who will listen and believe. would some kind of advocacy group be a possibility somewhere in your community? a clinic where there may be someone familiar w/ this type of situation? they would have more resources available, i would think. best to you with this. sending love and a hug filled with strength and hope.
i'm glad you were able to speak up here. i believe you and want only the best for you and your son. i wish i could help more. hopefully you'll eventually find someone who will listen and believe. would some kind of advocacy group be a possibility somewhere in your community? a clinic where there may be someone familiar w/ this type of situation? they would have more resources available, i would think. best to you with this. sending love and a hug filled with strength and hope.
#33
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by NarcKiddo - September 12, 2025, 12:43:27 PMWishing you well in your search for a new T. I hope you find a good one.
#34
Anxiety / Fear of speaking up
Last post by Yael - September 12, 2025, 10:38:31 AMDoes anybody have advice?
I am terrified to speak up.
This is part brainwashing. My family induced guilt, shame, fear and confusion. Every time I spoke up. They told me it was so mean of me. That they were so loving. I was so ungrateful. That I was crazy to say such things and my memory was wrong. That I did not respect their reality (read: lies). That me speaking up meant I was unstable and could better not be around my son. Etc etc. So now when I speak up, I immediately think: oh no! I did wrong!
This is part fear. There is always threats and retaliation. Also towards my son. Always in hidden ways. When my son spoke up, they would also retaliate. But not by beating him up. Rather for subtler ways, for example by keeping him awake for along time, guilt tripping him until he pleaded he was sorry and he was wrong and please let him sleep. Or smear campaign with the whole family, so they would convince cps I was horrible, without even checking the stories. Every time I spoke up, in the name of him, he got the backlash. Which makes it so hard to speak.
I also have turned into an idiot. Because I begged for help to escape abuse with my kid, for many years. And I was not helped. So I crashed and was in turmoil. Because I couldn't bear seeing my child hurt. And now they have a ton of things to use against me. And blackmail me with my trauma responses - to their abuse, that they carefully hid.
This is part the fear of not being believed. Every time I speak up to CPS. I am not believed. And they portray me as the bad guy for speaking up. And help the abuser. And make it worse. Last week I spoke up they said I was negative about dad and worriedly asked if I would influence kid with that. I'm so scared...every time I tell people of things that happen, and nobody helps, but rather it gets worse for us.
I have suggested a foster family for a long, long time. Or placing kid and me in a protective setting for observation. I plead and plead and nobody helps.
This is also part love. I see my own part in the problem. My own trauma responses drove dad further into trauma. I'm afraid he'll withdraw further in his defences if I speak up. I think he cannot see his own bad side.
I'm absolutely terrified. And don't know if I should speak up. Or be silent. Bear it. And try offer my child a better place when he's still here. I am absolutely terrified it will get a whole lot worse. If I speak out. Both my son and I have a bad feeling with one of the professionals who is supposed to help us. :-/ There have been exactly zero times CPS helped us when I spoke up.
Family law lawyers here often recommend victims of abuse, even proven blunt violence, to keep silent. Because CPS and courts always help abusers. And the victim is seen as harming the abuser by speaking up. And this can make her lose her children.
I am terrified to speak up.
This is part brainwashing. My family induced guilt, shame, fear and confusion. Every time I spoke up. They told me it was so mean of me. That they were so loving. I was so ungrateful. That I was crazy to say such things and my memory was wrong. That I did not respect their reality (read: lies). That me speaking up meant I was unstable and could better not be around my son. Etc etc. So now when I speak up, I immediately think: oh no! I did wrong!
This is part fear. There is always threats and retaliation. Also towards my son. Always in hidden ways. When my son spoke up, they would also retaliate. But not by beating him up. Rather for subtler ways, for example by keeping him awake for along time, guilt tripping him until he pleaded he was sorry and he was wrong and please let him sleep. Or smear campaign with the whole family, so they would convince cps I was horrible, without even checking the stories. Every time I spoke up, in the name of him, he got the backlash. Which makes it so hard to speak.
I also have turned into an idiot. Because I begged for help to escape abuse with my kid, for many years. And I was not helped. So I crashed and was in turmoil. Because I couldn't bear seeing my child hurt. And now they have a ton of things to use against me. And blackmail me with my trauma responses - to their abuse, that they carefully hid.
This is part the fear of not being believed. Every time I speak up to CPS. I am not believed. And they portray me as the bad guy for speaking up. And help the abuser. And make it worse. Last week I spoke up they said I was negative about dad and worriedly asked if I would influence kid with that. I'm so scared...every time I tell people of things that happen, and nobody helps, but rather it gets worse for us.
I have suggested a foster family for a long, long time. Or placing kid and me in a protective setting for observation. I plead and plead and nobody helps.
This is also part love. I see my own part in the problem. My own trauma responses drove dad further into trauma. I'm afraid he'll withdraw further in his defences if I speak up. I think he cannot see his own bad side.
I'm absolutely terrified. And don't know if I should speak up. Or be silent. Bear it. And try offer my child a better place when he's still here. I am absolutely terrified it will get a whole lot worse. If I speak out. Both my son and I have a bad feeling with one of the professionals who is supposed to help us. :-/ There have been exactly zero times CPS helped us when I spoke up.
Family law lawyers here often recommend victims of abuse, even proven blunt violence, to keep silent. Because CPS and courts always help abusers. And the victim is seen as harming the abuser by speaking up. And this can make her lose her children.
#35
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by Desert Flower - September 12, 2025, 10:17:01 AMHey SO, congratulations on the lot even though it didn't feel like celebrating.
I'm very proud of you ploughing on like that, doing the work that needed to be done and keeping yourself together while at it. Well done.
And it reminds me of myself too, being stressed when it 'should' be a nice thing that's happening, forget it, plough on now and enjoy later ... maybe we can start to enjoy a little tiny bit now and plough on later ...
And the fawning too, boy did I do a lot of that at my work outing, meeting all these new people, it feels like a total fall back into old patterns. But not quite, because we are aware of what's going on. So that's something too.
Take care SO and a well deserved rest maybe?
I'm very proud of you ploughing on like that, doing the work that needed to be done and keeping yourself together while at it. Well done.
And it reminds me of myself too, being stressed when it 'should' be a nice thing that's happening, forget it, plough on now and enjoy later ... maybe we can start to enjoy a little tiny bit now and plough on later ...
And the fawning too, boy did I do a lot of that at my work outing, meeting all these new people, it feels like a total fall back into old patterns. But not quite, because we are aware of what's going on. So that's something too.
Take care SO and a well deserved rest maybe?
#36
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by SenseOrgan - September 12, 2025, 10:12:34 AMYes, well done you! 
#37
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - September 12, 2025, 10:03:26 AMSo I've been doing quite all right I should say.
Only a minor 'crash' this week which is forgivable (although it is remarkable to be using that word, seems the IC is still at work here).
I had my breast examination last wednesday. And everything looks all right luckily. But I was really very very stressed about it. I went there alone, because I never know who to ask to come along to these kinds of things, it always seems too much to ask. My husband is caught up in work still.
And it had been really busy again these past weeks, kids back to school, too much work at my job, still handling our late mother's estate etc. etc.
So yesterday, I felt I had really overstretched myself and I felt very tired and wired and I called in sick. I think visiting the hospital with this condition should be explanation enough and my manager did respond compassionately so okay. So that was the 'crash' but really I just needed some time to reset and I took that so well done me.
Still tired though. Well all right.
Only a minor 'crash' this week which is forgivable (although it is remarkable to be using that word, seems the IC is still at work here).
I had my breast examination last wednesday. And everything looks all right luckily. But I was really very very stressed about it. I went there alone, because I never know who to ask to come along to these kinds of things, it always seems too much to ask. My husband is caught up in work still.
And it had been really busy again these past weeks, kids back to school, too much work at my job, still handling our late mother's estate etc. etc.
So yesterday, I felt I had really overstretched myself and I felt very tired and wired and I called in sick. I think visiting the hospital with this condition should be explanation enough and my manager did respond compassionately so okay. So that was the 'crash' but really I just needed some time to reset and I took that so well done me.
Still tired though. Well all right.
#38
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Re: The style I present is not...
Last post by Desert Flower - September 12, 2025, 09:54:09 AMThank you both again
#39
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Re: Beating myself up for bein...
Last post by Desert Flower - September 12, 2025, 09:53:27 AMThank you dear friends for your kind and helpful words. They really helped me not beating myself up so much anymore.
It's okay to have needs (that weren't met before) and it doesn't make me 'needy'. No need to put myself down like that.
And looking back on it now, I really feel little me was not doing so much 'wrong' in the first place. Actually, the director's response just wasn't really compassionate and I might as well blame him for that, instead of me. (He started talking about how much he liked the stoics - well all right then.) So I'm not gonna 'repair' any of that I think, he's not the one evaluating my performance at work anyway, so no need there.
It's okay to have needs (that weren't met before) and it doesn't make me 'needy'. No need to put myself down like that.
And looking back on it now, I really feel little me was not doing so much 'wrong' in the first place. Actually, the director's response just wasn't really compassionate and I might as well blame him for that, instead of me. (He started talking about how much he liked the stoics - well all right then.) So I'm not gonna 'repair' any of that I think, he's not the one evaluating my performance at work anyway, so no need there.
#40
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by Desert Flower - September 12, 2025, 09:47:38 AMRight there with you San, tired myself. The stress just wears us out doesn't it.
And good luck with the new T.
(I was also thinking about the last T I had, these sessions were okay actually, EMDR and all that but it was just really strange that when I started talking about resetting my nervous system physically, she had no idea what I was talking about. Like Chart, I think it's just really hard to find a T who gets the total picture like we do here.)
Big hugs
And good luck with the new T.
(I was also thinking about the last T I had, these sessions were okay actually, EMDR and all that but it was just really strange that when I started talking about resetting my nervous system physically, she had no idea what I was talking about. Like Chart, I think it's just really hard to find a T who gets the total picture like we do here.)
Big hugs