Recent posts
#21
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by NarcKiddo - July 01, 2025, 02:05:09 PMThank you, everyone.
I don't feel bad about needing to continue therapy as such. I can afford it and I know it is helping me a lot. So that's fine. It's more that I honestly thought I would be OK with less frequency but even the suggestion of it has coincided with adverse reactions. Oh well. When I look back, I realise that I have actually cut frequency. Before, when T or I had to go on holiday I would schedule a catch up session. Or she would let me raise issues by email if we couldn't do normal zoom. If there was an unexpected change because she was ill I would take it badly. All those things I can now take in my stride and I don't bother with catch up sessions any more. So, there's progress I had not actually recognised until just now.
But wow, I am on a very short fuse emotionally right now. And out of nowhere, too, which sucks extra.
Like today. All was fine. Really good, actually. Felt calm and happy. And then my husband mislaid the car keys. Which also have our house keys attached. He often does this. I have suggested an air tag many times. But no.
Logic dictated that they were in the house or garage. His occasional habit of leaving them actually in our door lock, on full public display and ready to be stolen, was enough to make me worry more. We have cameras and it is very unlikely I would have missed someone stealing our keys. But still.
So he just sat in our summer house reading his iPad while I finished my laundry and then went on a search. I found them fast, which did not help. He had put them in a garage cupboard where they do not live and should not be. But if he had only bothered to open the garage cupboards he would have seen them and saved all the aggro.
Oddly, it was my finding them that sent me over the edge. I gave them to him, told him where they had been and stormed off into the house to have a full on tantrum in private. I mean a toddler tantrum here. Shouting. Jumping up and down. Dissolving into a crying fit. It was totally epic and what anyone would have thought had they seen a middle aged woman doing this I have no idea.
Anyway, it got the worst out of my system, such that I was capable of going out for coffee as we usually do. On the way I did not suggest he get an air tag, I flat out demanded it. And he said he would and when he had been reading his iPad he had in fact been researching such things. And he apologised for losing the keys. Which of course was not really the problem, but his behaviour around it. Anyway I need to process all of that before I consider how to approach it with him.
So coffee was OK but kind of stilted. And we drove home. I was just about to get out of the car when he said "Do you forgive me?". All I could do was squeak "yes" and hotfoot it out of that car.
He was not to know, but the one and only time my mother asked me that question was when I was 7, in the car, after she had totally unfairly raged at me. And I hadn't forgiven her yet and was stupid enough to say so. To be asked that self same question, when I am already fragile, IN A CAR was just the end. Slap bang back into the EF. So the rest of today is being spent trying to calm myself before we have to go out for a meal with friends tonight which will be nice but also stressful for various reasons, and then have several medical appointments tomorrow which will not be nice in the slightest.
Ugh. And plenty to chat about in therapy this week. Again.
I don't feel bad about needing to continue therapy as such. I can afford it and I know it is helping me a lot. So that's fine. It's more that I honestly thought I would be OK with less frequency but even the suggestion of it has coincided with adverse reactions. Oh well. When I look back, I realise that I have actually cut frequency. Before, when T or I had to go on holiday I would schedule a catch up session. Or she would let me raise issues by email if we couldn't do normal zoom. If there was an unexpected change because she was ill I would take it badly. All those things I can now take in my stride and I don't bother with catch up sessions any more. So, there's progress I had not actually recognised until just now.
But wow, I am on a very short fuse emotionally right now. And out of nowhere, too, which sucks extra.
Like today. All was fine. Really good, actually. Felt calm and happy. And then my husband mislaid the car keys. Which also have our house keys attached. He often does this. I have suggested an air tag many times. But no.
Logic dictated that they were in the house or garage. His occasional habit of leaving them actually in our door lock, on full public display and ready to be stolen, was enough to make me worry more. We have cameras and it is very unlikely I would have missed someone stealing our keys. But still.
So he just sat in our summer house reading his iPad while I finished my laundry and then went on a search. I found them fast, which did not help. He had put them in a garage cupboard where they do not live and should not be. But if he had only bothered to open the garage cupboards he would have seen them and saved all the aggro.
Oddly, it was my finding them that sent me over the edge. I gave them to him, told him where they had been and stormed off into the house to have a full on tantrum in private. I mean a toddler tantrum here. Shouting. Jumping up and down. Dissolving into a crying fit. It was totally epic and what anyone would have thought had they seen a middle aged woman doing this I have no idea.
Anyway, it got the worst out of my system, such that I was capable of going out for coffee as we usually do. On the way I did not suggest he get an air tag, I flat out demanded it. And he said he would and when he had been reading his iPad he had in fact been researching such things. And he apologised for losing the keys. Which of course was not really the problem, but his behaviour around it. Anyway I need to process all of that before I consider how to approach it with him.
So coffee was OK but kind of stilted. And we drove home. I was just about to get out of the car when he said "Do you forgive me?". All I could do was squeak "yes" and hotfoot it out of that car.
He was not to know, but the one and only time my mother asked me that question was when I was 7, in the car, after she had totally unfairly raged at me. And I hadn't forgiven her yet and was stupid enough to say so. To be asked that self same question, when I am already fragile, IN A CAR was just the end. Slap bang back into the EF. So the rest of today is being spent trying to calm myself before we have to go out for a meal with friends tonight which will be nice but also stressful for various reasons, and then have several medical appointments tomorrow which will not be nice in the slightest.
Ugh. And plenty to chat about in therapy this week. Again.
#22
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - July 01, 2025, 01:10:04 PM1 July 2025
With the "space" and slower pace, lots of inner {stuff} coming to the fore. I know that it's part and parcel of the healing journey that is going on. Thing is at the moment, hm.. salty? crusty? frustrated? anger? and a touch of sadness. Lots of unpacking and the ongoing realizations of how much BS I was fed and believed. For me.. the adoption mess, the expectations placed upon me, like when have I ever lived for me and my own best interests? In a sense I was indoctrinated into a belief system in which my wants, my needs, myself, was secondary to others. Definitely a F'ed up way to live. I keep coming back to examples in nature. Like beavers. What do beavers do? They build a dam across a stream to make a pond / small lake for their own purposes, and from that so many other beings not only benefit but a lot of species end up depending on the environment that the beavers create for their own purposes. And if this is indeed how this realm is structured to work... Judas on a stick, I was lied to, I was indoctrinated into a pattern of behavior that diminishes me, keeps me in a box of meeting others unhealthy expectations. Right?
Gonna have to sit with this.
Wishing all here all the best.
With the "space" and slower pace, lots of inner {stuff} coming to the fore. I know that it's part and parcel of the healing journey that is going on. Thing is at the moment, hm.. salty? crusty? frustrated? anger? and a touch of sadness. Lots of unpacking and the ongoing realizations of how much BS I was fed and believed. For me.. the adoption mess, the expectations placed upon me, like when have I ever lived for me and my own best interests? In a sense I was indoctrinated into a belief system in which my wants, my needs, myself, was secondary to others. Definitely a F'ed up way to live. I keep coming back to examples in nature. Like beavers. What do beavers do? They build a dam across a stream to make a pond / small lake for their own purposes, and from that so many other beings not only benefit but a lot of species end up depending on the environment that the beavers create for their own purposes. And if this is indeed how this realm is structured to work... Judas on a stick, I was lied to, I was indoctrinated into a pattern of behavior that diminishes me, keeps me in a box of meeting others unhealthy expectations. Right?
Gonna have to sit with this.
Wishing all here all the best.
#23
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Alice a long term survivor...
Last post by NarcKiddo - July 01, 2025, 11:47:27 AMWelcome. I'm glad you are seeking support rather than trying to go it totally alone. I am confident you will find support here.
#24
Sexual Abuse / Re: How to Tell Your Therapist...
Last post by Kizzie - June 30, 2025, 04:56:38 PMBlueMoon, IMO you are well within your rights to let your T know that you think there may a particular issue, in this case possible SA, you need/want to talk about but let them know how you would like to approach it. It sounds like going slowly, testing the waters to see if you feel anxiety which as BB has suggested may signal there is something there you need to deal with may be the best approach. I'm always about going slow with things that cause anxiety or an EF to rise up because it's me telling me it's too much all at once.
And just my opinion here too, but the fact that you wrote a post about possible SA tells me that there is likely something there that needs dealing with so maybe don't delete it or at least if you do come back and revisit it at some point. The things we push down have a way of popping back up.
And just my opinion here too, but the fact that you wrote a post about possible SA tells me that there is likely something there that needs dealing with so maybe don't delete it or at least if you do come back and revisit it at some point. The things we push down have a way of popping back up.
#25
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Alice a long term survivor...
Last post by Blueberry - June 30, 2025, 01:44:48 PMWelcome to the forum! It's a good supportive place. I think we do more empathy here than sympathy.
#26
Sexual Abuse / Re: How to Tell Your Therapist...
Last post by Blueberry - June 30, 2025, 01:40:53 PMYou could possibly start saying something like this to your T?
If you're shy about intimacy and wish you weren't, that's a legitimate topic for therapy, whether or not there is/was abuse. If you start exploring the topic very gently with your T - I mean just talking - it may become clear to you whether there's likely to be trauma behind it, for ex. if your mind goes blank or you have other reactions of that sort or go into an EF, then it's probably not just you being 'normally shy'.
You don't actually have to have been assaulted to have been SA'd. 'just' being touched counts, as do inappropriate sexual remarks, being forced to watch inappropriate behaviour / films /magazines etc. There may well have been assaults too, you could have forgotten them or they're hidden in your subconscious for protection. You wouldn't be the first for that to happen to.
How much you say when also depends on how much you know and trust your T, how long you've been with your T.
There is CSA in my past, but it's not the most obvious kind and I was disbelieved by some Ts, particularly a couple of decades ago. So, my advice is to go slowly, not unpack everything at once.
Quote from: BlueMoon_ on June 29, 2025, 06:03:25 PMI'm very shy when it comes to talking about intimacy and I even don't really like to say words like 'sex' around othersplus add the weird comments from your father.
If you're shy about intimacy and wish you weren't, that's a legitimate topic for therapy, whether or not there is/was abuse. If you start exploring the topic very gently with your T - I mean just talking - it may become clear to you whether there's likely to be trauma behind it, for ex. if your mind goes blank or you have other reactions of that sort or go into an EF, then it's probably not just you being 'normally shy'.
You don't actually have to have been assaulted to have been SA'd. 'just' being touched counts, as do inappropriate sexual remarks, being forced to watch inappropriate behaviour / films /magazines etc. There may well have been assaults too, you could have forgotten them or they're hidden in your subconscious for protection. You wouldn't be the first for that to happen to.
How much you say when also depends on how much you know and trust your T, how long you've been with your T.
There is CSA in my past, but it's not the most obvious kind and I was disbelieved by some Ts, particularly a couple of decades ago. So, my advice is to go slowly, not unpack everything at once.
#27
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - June 30, 2025, 12:18:15 PMyep, got the chapbook in on time, so that's a big bunch of stress off my shoulders. i know nothing will come of it, but you know what? i frickin' did it! so i have no regrets for not giving it a shot. let the chips fall where they may.
editing is going well also. and now wimbledon for 2 weeks, so i'm doing ok.
editing is going well also. and now wimbledon for 2 weeks, so i'm doing ok.
#28
Recovery Journals / Re: Of course it's worth it!
Last post by sanmagic7 - June 30, 2025, 12:15:26 PMprobably, blueberry. that was monstrous of them to do that to you, by the way. i'm so very sorry you had to experience that from them. you didn't deserve it, still don't. i'm hoping for more lovely conversations to come your way. love and hugs 
#29
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Alice a long term survivor of ...
Last post by Madamadness - June 30, 2025, 01:27:57 AMI've been through it. I've learned i need to let go of toxicity. no more ranting and raving instead of getting better. no more finding enablers to justify this. I'm broken and I'm going to put myself back together. but i shouldn't do it alone. I'm here for support not commiseration save your sympathy.
#30
Sexual Abuse / How to Tell Your Therapist You...
Last post by BlueMoon_ - June 29, 2025, 06:03:25 PMI feel really awkward writing this because I'm afraid I'm just making this up, so I might delete this later.
There are behaviours during my childhood that, looking back, concern me, because I'm worried they were signs of being SA'd.
However I don't remember actually being assaulted; the closest thing I recall is only some weird comments by my dad that were innapropriate for a kid in my opinion. For example, 'You have long eyelashes. If you bat those, the boys will do anything for you when you grow up.'
Even if the behaviours didn't happen due to SA, how can I bring them up to my therapist? I'm very shy when it comes to talking about intimacy and I even don't really like to say words like 'sex' around others 😖.
There are behaviours during my childhood that, looking back, concern me, because I'm worried they were signs of being SA'd.
However I don't remember actually being assaulted; the closest thing I recall is only some weird comments by my dad that were innapropriate for a kid in my opinion. For example, 'You have long eyelashes. If you bat those, the boys will do anything for you when you grow up.'
Even if the behaviours didn't happen due to SA, how can I bring them up to my therapist? I'm very shy when it comes to talking about intimacy and I even don't really like to say words like 'sex' around others 😖.