Recent posts
#11
Recovery Journals / The tipping point…
Last post by Chart - December 17, 2025, 12:31:05 PMEvery time I post on the Forum, I feel fear. I write from my heart. I write from my soul. But every single expression I make/do/express, I fear. I fear I'm going too far. I fear what others will think. I fear I am a "bad person" and my rejection will swiftly follow.
For this reason I almost always return and reread my post. I've learned to absolutely NOT TRUST my fear.
Rereading what I've written, usually a day later, I have a clearer sense of what my objective truly was. I have some distance. Usually, nearly always, it's okay. I think, No no, that was nice or kind or helpful... then I think... why was I scared in the first place?
I'm scared because I suffer from Cptsd. Developmental trauma has shaped my life like a sculptor starting fresh with cold hard stone. What was hammered into me as a baby was chaos, fear and utter confusion.
And I remember nothing. My mother left the hurricane when I was four-years-old. Like a tsunami that carried me deeply inland, I awoke one day and realized: the man who never loved me has now truly disappeared... I don't think my mother "explained" anything. What can you explain? Can Cptsd be "explained"? I think not. Only those who have directly experienced it can fully know the eternal chaos of obsessive mental torture that follows us around like a decaying corpse...
sorry, that's the wrong path...
This journal, I want it to be about what I've come to understand. Its been two years since I collapsed mentally. I've made good progress... solid progress. I've shaken off the corpse and that stink only wafts my way four days out of the week. At this very moment I've only sensed the Depression very briefly, once today. Today is an exceptional day. Tomorrow it could all revert again. If I've learned one thing, it's that it's not over. Just feeling better a couple hours, a day or two, well, "it" comes back. Cptsd is chewing gum on the sidewalk... and I stepped right in it.
"The tipping point" is now my objective. I want to feel okay 51% of my time here on this earth. I also want to vanquish this thing. I want to fight. I'm tired of being shamed and doubting and folding and feeling like a crumpled-up piece of trash not even in a waste bin... just lying there on a curb or in a gutter...
I want to get to a point where MORE than half of my life is "relatively" free of the razor-depression-pain of horror.
I hate this thing... and I'm wondering if hate is truly helpful.
Anyway, there's doubt... I know that feeling too. It goes on the shelf like all the other "crap".
First journal entry, new journal. Much I want to say. Didn't even scratch the surface.
It's sunny out today.
Sending love and hugs to you all.
Chart
For this reason I almost always return and reread my post. I've learned to absolutely NOT TRUST my fear.
Rereading what I've written, usually a day later, I have a clearer sense of what my objective truly was. I have some distance. Usually, nearly always, it's okay. I think, No no, that was nice or kind or helpful... then I think... why was I scared in the first place?
I'm scared because I suffer from Cptsd. Developmental trauma has shaped my life like a sculptor starting fresh with cold hard stone. What was hammered into me as a baby was chaos, fear and utter confusion.
And I remember nothing. My mother left the hurricane when I was four-years-old. Like a tsunami that carried me deeply inland, I awoke one day and realized: the man who never loved me has now truly disappeared... I don't think my mother "explained" anything. What can you explain? Can Cptsd be "explained"? I think not. Only those who have directly experienced it can fully know the eternal chaos of obsessive mental torture that follows us around like a decaying corpse...
sorry, that's the wrong path...
This journal, I want it to be about what I've come to understand. Its been two years since I collapsed mentally. I've made good progress... solid progress. I've shaken off the corpse and that stink only wafts my way four days out of the week. At this very moment I've only sensed the Depression very briefly, once today. Today is an exceptional day. Tomorrow it could all revert again. If I've learned one thing, it's that it's not over. Just feeling better a couple hours, a day or two, well, "it" comes back. Cptsd is chewing gum on the sidewalk... and I stepped right in it.
"The tipping point" is now my objective. I want to feel okay 51% of my time here on this earth. I also want to vanquish this thing. I want to fight. I'm tired of being shamed and doubting and folding and feeling like a crumpled-up piece of trash not even in a waste bin... just lying there on a curb or in a gutter...
I want to get to a point where MORE than half of my life is "relatively" free of the razor-depression-pain of horror.
I hate this thing... and I'm wondering if hate is truly helpful.
Anyway, there's doubt... I know that feeling too. It goes on the shelf like all the other "crap".
First journal entry, new journal. Much I want to say. Didn't even scratch the surface.
It's sunny out today.
Sending love and hugs to you all.
Chart
#13
General Discussion / Re: CPTSD from childhood abuse...
Last post by Chart - December 17, 2025, 08:51:41 AMNoraw, so much of what you've written and expressed is familiar to me (and I'm confident, many on this Forum). Truly, you are in safe company here.
Interesting what you say about IFS and your therapist. It makes me think that there's no one "set" chronology to the therapeutic process. It seems to evolve in a rather haphazard way. At least it has for me.
That being said, and with the experience I've had, I think your "intuition" is correct. I wonder, is your therapist trying to "push" Ifs? Maybe because that's what they know/like? Is your therapist "good" nonetheless, only the Ifs doesn't click for you (at this stage maybe)?
I know it's hard, but maybe try to discuss this with them. A good therapist will listen, accept and adapt. Ultimately we know ourselves best, so it should really be a group work and our therapist should "learn" from us as well.
Just a few thoughts. Good luck and be good and patient with all that is happening and going on. It's a lot.
Love and peace, chart
Interesting what you say about IFS and your therapist. It makes me think that there's no one "set" chronology to the therapeutic process. It seems to evolve in a rather haphazard way. At least it has for me.
That being said, and with the experience I've had, I think your "intuition" is correct. I wonder, is your therapist trying to "push" Ifs? Maybe because that's what they know/like? Is your therapist "good" nonetheless, only the Ifs doesn't click for you (at this stage maybe)?
I know it's hard, but maybe try to discuss this with them. A good therapist will listen, accept and adapt. Ultimately we know ourselves best, so it should really be a group work and our therapist should "learn" from us as well.
Just a few thoughts. Good luck and be good and patient with all that is happening and going on. It's a lot.
Love and peace, chart
#14
General Discussion / Re: CPTSD from childhood abuse...
Last post by noraw - December 17, 2025, 06:31:34 AMI really appreciate all of the replies. Everything was so useful.
It is nice to meet everyone.
Sorry if I don't respond to every specific thing that was said straight away, shutdown and freeze make it hard to organise all my thoughts and reply properly, but I have read everything.
I'll be honest, I used ChatGPT to help write my first post. I know some people might not be keen on that, but trying to organise my thoughts and express myself is extremely difficult and exhausting, especially when I'm in freeze or my mind goes blank. I don't use it all the time, just when that happens. I wrote it all out myself, it was just organised.
I also get really lost in what I want to say and then end up regretting how I word things, because I get lost in what I actually wanted to say.
I don't think I have DID. The links were helpful and a lot of it was relatable, so I'll look through them more. It is helpful to learn more about it. When I talk about dissociation, I don't mean losing my identity or loosing control ( sorry if that is worded badly) It's more losing track of time, zoning out, feeling lost, and losing words. I am an obsessive daydreamer and thinker. The daydreaming became subconscious and I don't always know I do it until hours later. It seems to be a coping mechanism and also helps to cope with the obsessive thinking, obsessive conversations in my head, negative thoughts, a million things in my head all at the same time, all day every day and it is exhausting. I always feel so blank when I spot it or afterwards. Like an empty head full of everything.
I might make another post soon explaining my therapist situation. She's trauma trained but seems unable to deal with the freeze and/or dissociation I experience. I don't think it's IFS itself that doesn't work for me, but more my therapist's approach to it.
I have sent a few emails to other therapists recently too.
Sorry if it is all over the place, I process conversations slowly sometimes and cant think until enough time has gone by.
It is nice to meet everyone.
Sorry if I don't respond to every specific thing that was said straight away, shutdown and freeze make it hard to organise all my thoughts and reply properly, but I have read everything.
I'll be honest, I used ChatGPT to help write my first post. I know some people might not be keen on that, but trying to organise my thoughts and express myself is extremely difficult and exhausting, especially when I'm in freeze or my mind goes blank. I don't use it all the time, just when that happens. I wrote it all out myself, it was just organised.
I also get really lost in what I want to say and then end up regretting how I word things, because I get lost in what I actually wanted to say.
I don't think I have DID. The links were helpful and a lot of it was relatable, so I'll look through them more. It is helpful to learn more about it. When I talk about dissociation, I don't mean losing my identity or loosing control ( sorry if that is worded badly) It's more losing track of time, zoning out, feeling lost, and losing words. I am an obsessive daydreamer and thinker. The daydreaming became subconscious and I don't always know I do it until hours later. It seems to be a coping mechanism and also helps to cope with the obsessive thinking, obsessive conversations in my head, negative thoughts, a million things in my head all at the same time, all day every day and it is exhausting. I always feel so blank when I spot it or afterwards. Like an empty head full of everything.
I might make another post soon explaining my therapist situation. She's trauma trained but seems unable to deal with the freeze and/or dissociation I experience. I don't think it's IFS itself that doesn't work for me, but more my therapist's approach to it.
I have sent a few emails to other therapists recently too.
Sorry if it is all over the place, I process conversations slowly sometimes and cant think until enough time has gone by.
#15
Recovery Journals / Re: TV's Repair Journal
Last post by TheBigBlue - December 17, 2025, 05:10:17 AMI really relate to what you wrote. That mix of clarity and grief, knowing in your bones why you can't go back, while still feeling the pull of empathy and fear, is so familiar to me. You sound incredibly grounded in your truth, even as the scared child part is hurting, and that's not nothing.
I don't have advice, and you honestly sound further along in the journey than I am. I just wanted to say I see the strength it takes to hold both compassion and boundaries at the same time. And I'm really glad you have that day off to rest and tend to yourself.
I also feel how hard it is to have therapy spaced so far out, especially around the holidays. I feel very lucky to have frequent sessions right now, and I'm not sure how I would manage otherwise, especially with this being only my second Christmas alone in 57 years.
You're being very brave, even when you're scared. I'm really glad you shared this, thanks.
I don't have advice, and you honestly sound further along in the journey than I am. I just wanted to say I see the strength it takes to hold both compassion and boundaries at the same time. And I'm really glad you have that day off to rest and tend to yourself.
I also feel how hard it is to have therapy spaced so far out, especially around the holidays. I feel very lucky to have frequent sessions right now, and I'm not sure how I would manage otherwise, especially with this being only my second Christmas alone in 57 years.
You're being very brave, even when you're scared. I'm really glad you shared this, thanks.
#16
General Discussion / Re: (A lot) Truer than "I" tho...
Last post by Marcine - December 17, 2025, 12:05:16 AMHi Desert Flower,
From one devoted mother to another, I understand how keeping-on-no-matter-what becomes a way of life.
I remind myself of the well-worn advice to put my own oxygen mask on first. And I marvel at how difficult, foreign, and important it is to do so.
Easy does it, super momma
From one devoted mother to another, I understand how keeping-on-no-matter-what becomes a way of life.
I remind myself of the well-worn advice to put my own oxygen mask on first. And I marvel at how difficult, foreign, and important it is to do so.
Easy does it, super momma
#17
Recovery Journals / Re: TV's Repair Journal
Last post by lowbudgetTV - December 16, 2025, 11:52:56 PMWell, my therapist is going to have a fun day when I next see them next year.
My mother sent me a package (and a letter) for the holidays. The letter, of course, was in response to me abandoning them--leaving them as I must. I've been so happy and healing. The letter isn't bad at all, thank goodness, but I must remember the truth and reread the therapy file I have of all the things that ARE true. I cannot go on being a member of my family.
I sit here writing this out because my next therapy appointment isn't until after the new year and this is worthy of writing out my thoughts and asking for advice as I think about it. Obviously, I know in my soul that my option is to continue on with being an orphan. I fear them.
My first thought is while I think the letter from my mother is all well and fine, I know in my soul it is still not. There are stories online of vitriolic hatred toward an ungrateful lost child--this is not this. However, the reverse, I feel, is also bad. I think part of my... "final straw" was an overwhelming sense of how she always wanted some piece of me. I was hers. Of course--of course the letter would be begging and loving and say things like "I will do anything and everything you want." That's the problem. We live in a world where what I truly want and what she wants is incompatible. Not to mention--please dear, get a therapist. Get friends. This is the problem! You should never say that you'll do anything and everything you want to a person, especially your child. I am not a spoiled, wanting brat (despite previous claims otherwise, from you know who).
Without going into details, but my empathic heart hurts for her. But for every way I am sorry, I remember the hateful look in her eyes. I cannot be there for her anymore. She used me up and all I have left is to survive for myself. I don't think anyone intends it ever, but she is using my strong sensitive nature against me, and for that I am pushed farther away from her. This, I think she will never understand.
I do miss my father. I do. I am sorry.
In a sort of cosmic blessing, I took tomorrow off, and it was entirely unrelated to the timing of this package (of course) so I will be happy to rest, as I'll certainly need to take some of my as-needed calming meds and rest. But, even then, I am proud. I am not even that worried about this. I feel strong enough to know already that it's over and I don't ever have to go back. I am a free adult. I am also a scared child with myself as my own parent, sad that it is, but that's the best for me. I am so sad and scared once again.
I will surely have more thoughts on this but I should like, make my dinner, or something, haha!
My mother sent me a package (and a letter) for the holidays. The letter, of course, was in response to me abandoning them--leaving them as I must. I've been so happy and healing. The letter isn't bad at all, thank goodness, but I must remember the truth and reread the therapy file I have of all the things that ARE true. I cannot go on being a member of my family.
I sit here writing this out because my next therapy appointment isn't until after the new year and this is worthy of writing out my thoughts and asking for advice as I think about it. Obviously, I know in my soul that my option is to continue on with being an orphan. I fear them.
My first thought is while I think the letter from my mother is all well and fine, I know in my soul it is still not. There are stories online of vitriolic hatred toward an ungrateful lost child--this is not this. However, the reverse, I feel, is also bad. I think part of my... "final straw" was an overwhelming sense of how she always wanted some piece of me. I was hers. Of course--of course the letter would be begging and loving and say things like "I will do anything and everything you want." That's the problem. We live in a world where what I truly want and what she wants is incompatible. Not to mention--please dear, get a therapist. Get friends. This is the problem! You should never say that you'll do anything and everything you want to a person, especially your child. I am not a spoiled, wanting brat (despite previous claims otherwise, from you know who).
Without going into details, but my empathic heart hurts for her. But for every way I am sorry, I remember the hateful look in her eyes. I cannot be there for her anymore. She used me up and all I have left is to survive for myself. I don't think anyone intends it ever, but she is using my strong sensitive nature against me, and for that I am pushed farther away from her. This, I think she will never understand.
I do miss my father. I do. I am sorry.
In a sort of cosmic blessing, I took tomorrow off, and it was entirely unrelated to the timing of this package (of course) so I will be happy to rest, as I'll certainly need to take some of my as-needed calming meds and rest. But, even then, I am proud. I am not even that worried about this. I feel strong enough to know already that it's over and I don't ever have to go back. I am a free adult. I am also a scared child with myself as my own parent, sad that it is, but that's the best for me. I am so sad and scared once again.
I will surely have more thoughts on this but I should like, make my dinner, or something, haha!
#18
Sexual Abuse / Re: Self-abandonment since CSA
Last post by Chart - December 16, 2025, 07:32:52 PMQuote from: DD on December 15, 2025, 09:40:53 PMNow I sit here having cried for some hours and just see the damage done. I don't have a question. What I am asking is to be kindly witnessed. That I exist. That I matter. That I'm allowed to be human.DD, I hear you, I feel deeply what you have written. You are seen. I'm so sorry you were thrown to the wolves by those that were responsible for your safety. The child betrayed makes absolutely no sense to any true human.
Sending support and acknowledgement.
#19
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by Chart - December 16, 2025, 07:16:08 PMGood luck with the phone consultation, San.
#20
Announcements / Re: Thank You
Last post by SenseOrgan - December 16, 2025, 07:09:40 PMThank YOU Kizzie, for your dedication to this safe haven!