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#11
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by Desert Flower - September 14, 2025, 07:11:57 AMHi NK, just a little note here to let you know I'm reading this too.
And although it may feel very uncomfortable I think you are actually making great progress. So well done you.
As for communicating with the teen, looking at it from my perspective, I don't know if that's the case for you, but it reminds me of the way my mother dealt with me at that age and that is simply not dealing with anything that was going on, just ignoring the whole situation. The teen was just totally on her own. So to re-connect with this teen would take patience I think. And take it really easy with the teen. Maybe initially only letting her know you're here and waiting. Please ignore if it's not helpful.
And although it may feel very uncomfortable I think you are actually making great progress. So well done you.
As for communicating with the teen, looking at it from my perspective, I don't know if that's the case for you, but it reminds me of the way my mother dealt with me at that age and that is simply not dealing with anything that was going on, just ignoring the whole situation. The teen was just totally on her own. So to re-connect with this teen would take patience I think. And take it really easy with the teen. Maybe initially only letting her know you're here and waiting. Please ignore if it's not helpful.
#12
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - September 14, 2025, 01:43:28 AM09-13-2025
Not feeling the bestest today. Don't know if it's the meds or if there is a pathogen my body is dealing with. All I know is feeling better than having a mid level case of the flu would be really nice.
Had a call the other day from .. I'll call him D. D was a child that the former spouse adopted out. I gave my perspective on it being adopted myself and allowed her the to choose. And yet I'm still the bad guy in everything because I didn't fight her on her decision. No I am not the father. Thank goodness. He's in his late twenties if my math is right. He had been through the wringer in the family that adopted him. He's doing alright mostly. Going to be getting married here soon. He seems happy about that. Then the conversation turned and he was dropping remarks concerning the former spouse. I warned him. I told him in no uncertain terms and had him repeat it back to me. I get it. I do. A kid and their mom, you know? Hoping against hope, sucking it up again after the last fecal matter show, and trying again to have a relationship of some sort. From what he described to me was nothing more than the PD + ( I add the + because I really do think there is a mental something or other going on besides the PD. ) typical BS. Always the victim even in situations that she created. Trying to dominate over others .. anyway the last visit was such that D relayed to me that she went off the radar, again. She'll come back around next time she wants something from D. I told him that it may be better for him and his new family to perhaps cut her off and don't allow her around, no communications, no nothing.
In a way I was also talking to that aspect of myself that once held out hope that my genetic mother would have had a relationship with me. In a earlier post I mentioned that I found 35mm film prints and one of them had a wall of photos in the photo and there was one with my genetic mother and sister. My sister in the photo was 4, 5, 6? Something like that. I realize that for my mother ... well, lets just say there wasn't any $$$ coming in for my care. I admit that is total supposition on my part. However it does fit what facts I do have concerning the time, place, society, and personal circumstances. No lie, that hurts. It also hurts that if she could have put the bottle down a little bit more, there would have been a chance for us to meet at least. Maybe she could have started to dig herself out of the alcoholic pattern and even been able to meet her grandchild. 5 years before I met with certain members of the FOO, she died after an adult life of intense turmoil. I do not have any conscious memory of my genetic mother. And yet, and yet, there are still certain voices in certain songs that I tear up at, there are smells that comfort me, I assume that is part of the encoding from when I was still in the womb before I went through what I did as a newborn. Adoption sucks and at the same time was the best shot I had of breaking the patterns that she was carrying from her FOO. I do not yet have a "why". I have understanding of the situation, the society, and at the same time, those "whys" are somehow not enough, they are lacking in power? I don't have the right word ... Perhaps when I have moved on to the next adventure I'll be privy to that why and that then will be sufficient.
D has done nothing that could be considered to be a direct threat vector against me. However, knowing that his is in communication with the former spouse, I thought it best to not reveal all the cards that I currently have. Like being a member of the Native American Nation that I am, or a firm time frame of when the site that I work at is going to go dark. Which is easy because I don't know myself actually. chuckle. Nor did I think it wise for me to mention the where I am seriously considering moving to. I do not think that D would intentionally spill information. Like all of us, there are times that the emotions run high and during those states he reveals more than he realizes. I'm currently undecided if going forward, after I move, that he will be able to contact me in any shape or fashion. With the changes in postal service regulations there cannot be any mail forwarding in a general sense unless I'm willing to go to a state with a huge amount of RV's and have a paid service. Kicker with that is any outgoing mail would have to go there to get the postage cancelled which also indicates where it was mailed from. Yeah.. All I want is to be clear of that whole mess. The alimony, the constant threat of her going back to court for more $$$, the auto loan that I co-signed for J (another one of her offspring) to be clear from all of that. I mean I've already paid enough in time, emotional turmoil, abuse, you know? TBH it would clear up many issues if the former spouse exited this realm. I'm certain that she is cohabiting but unless she gets married again .. everything remains in force. sigh
As the call continued between me and D, with what he was relaying, there has been 0 improvement in the former spouse behavior at all. Sad in a way, and at the same time it to me is proof that it was not me that was the toxic ( insert cussing here ). Vindicated in a small way perhaps.
Well, I need to go get laundry done, and I think a shower would be nice.
Wishing all here all the best.
Not feeling the bestest today. Don't know if it's the meds or if there is a pathogen my body is dealing with. All I know is feeling better than having a mid level case of the flu would be really nice.
Had a call the other day from .. I'll call him D. D was a child that the former spouse adopted out. I gave my perspective on it being adopted myself and allowed her the to choose. And yet I'm still the bad guy in everything because I didn't fight her on her decision. No I am not the father. Thank goodness. He's in his late twenties if my math is right. He had been through the wringer in the family that adopted him. He's doing alright mostly. Going to be getting married here soon. He seems happy about that. Then the conversation turned and he was dropping remarks concerning the former spouse. I warned him. I told him in no uncertain terms and had him repeat it back to me. I get it. I do. A kid and their mom, you know? Hoping against hope, sucking it up again after the last fecal matter show, and trying again to have a relationship of some sort. From what he described to me was nothing more than the PD + ( I add the + because I really do think there is a mental something or other going on besides the PD. ) typical BS. Always the victim even in situations that she created. Trying to dominate over others .. anyway the last visit was such that D relayed to me that she went off the radar, again. She'll come back around next time she wants something from D. I told him that it may be better for him and his new family to perhaps cut her off and don't allow her around, no communications, no nothing.
In a way I was also talking to that aspect of myself that once held out hope that my genetic mother would have had a relationship with me. In a earlier post I mentioned that I found 35mm film prints and one of them had a wall of photos in the photo and there was one with my genetic mother and sister. My sister in the photo was 4, 5, 6? Something like that. I realize that for my mother ... well, lets just say there wasn't any $$$ coming in for my care. I admit that is total supposition on my part. However it does fit what facts I do have concerning the time, place, society, and personal circumstances. No lie, that hurts. It also hurts that if she could have put the bottle down a little bit more, there would have been a chance for us to meet at least. Maybe she could have started to dig herself out of the alcoholic pattern and even been able to meet her grandchild. 5 years before I met with certain members of the FOO, she died after an adult life of intense turmoil. I do not have any conscious memory of my genetic mother. And yet, and yet, there are still certain voices in certain songs that I tear up at, there are smells that comfort me, I assume that is part of the encoding from when I was still in the womb before I went through what I did as a newborn. Adoption sucks and at the same time was the best shot I had of breaking the patterns that she was carrying from her FOO. I do not yet have a "why". I have understanding of the situation, the society, and at the same time, those "whys" are somehow not enough, they are lacking in power? I don't have the right word ... Perhaps when I have moved on to the next adventure I'll be privy to that why and that then will be sufficient.
D has done nothing that could be considered to be a direct threat vector against me. However, knowing that his is in communication with the former spouse, I thought it best to not reveal all the cards that I currently have. Like being a member of the Native American Nation that I am, or a firm time frame of when the site that I work at is going to go dark. Which is easy because I don't know myself actually. chuckle. Nor did I think it wise for me to mention the where I am seriously considering moving to. I do not think that D would intentionally spill information. Like all of us, there are times that the emotions run high and during those states he reveals more than he realizes. I'm currently undecided if going forward, after I move, that he will be able to contact me in any shape or fashion. With the changes in postal service regulations there cannot be any mail forwarding in a general sense unless I'm willing to go to a state with a huge amount of RV's and have a paid service. Kicker with that is any outgoing mail would have to go there to get the postage cancelled which also indicates where it was mailed from. Yeah.. All I want is to be clear of that whole mess. The alimony, the constant threat of her going back to court for more $$$, the auto loan that I co-signed for J (another one of her offspring) to be clear from all of that. I mean I've already paid enough in time, emotional turmoil, abuse, you know? TBH it would clear up many issues if the former spouse exited this realm. I'm certain that she is cohabiting but unless she gets married again .. everything remains in force. sigh
As the call continued between me and D, with what he was relaying, there has been 0 improvement in the former spouse behavior at all. Sad in a way, and at the same time it to me is proof that it was not me that was the toxic ( insert cussing here ). Vindicated in a small way perhaps.
Well, I need to go get laundry done, and I think a shower would be nice.
Wishing all here all the best.
#13
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by Blueberry - September 13, 2025, 05:40:24 PMQuote from: NarcKiddo on September 13, 2025, 11:53:34 AMIt sounds rather lame to say I literally don't know what to do with teenage NK, but the fact remains I don't so I have to feel my way here.
Not lame at all! That's what it felt like for me too when my Inner Teens (actually incl. an 11 yo) started showing up. I had NO idea what to do or say, no idea except re-surfacing memories of my own past which were clearly not useful or viable. Plus my Inner Children were frightened of the Inner Teens.
One thing that helped me was reading books on parenting daughters successfully from pre-teens upward, especially pre-teens because that sets the course. It's not that I then was able to talk my Inner Teens through much I don't think, but in my own mind things started to shift a bit. Those inner voices from FOO became less virulent as I was able to slowly take other ideas on board.
Quote from: NarcKiddo on September 13, 2025, 11:53:34 AMMy initial idea on how to lighten the load of teenage NK was to ask her to step back and let me prove myself capable. T pointed out that was just pushing her out of the way.
It took me a lot of trial and error (and reading) to get better at communicating with my Inner Teens. Sending you lots of good thoughts and wishes from somebody who's still on that road... #14
Podcasts, Videos & Documentaries / Attachment Focused EMDR - Podc...
Last post by Hope67 - September 13, 2025, 12:04:44 PMThis is something I have personally found very helpful, and so I wanted to put this Podcast here.
It is called 'Attachment Focused EMDR: Tools & Techniques to Heal Trauma' by Dr Laurel Parnell.
https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/emdr-170/
Dr Parnell speaks really well about her work, and I think it's a very helpful resource.
Hope
It is called 'Attachment Focused EMDR: Tools & Techniques to Heal Trauma' by Dr Laurel Parnell.
https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/emdr-170/
Dr Parnell speaks really well about her work, and I think it's a very helpful resource.
Hope
#15
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by NarcKiddo - September 13, 2025, 11:53:34 AMThank you, San and Blueberry.
For sure there are trust issues, there, San. As I explained to my T, I have absolutely NO role models of how a mother might deal compassionately with a teenager. I have for little NK because my grandmother was kind and caring to me at that age and I spent decent amounts of time in her company. It sounds rather lame to say I literally don't know what to do with teenage NK, but the fact remains I don't so I have to feel my way here. My initial idea on how to lighten the load of teenage NK was to ask her to step back and let me prove myself capable. T pointed out that was just pushing her out of the way.
As the above illustrates, I think, I actually don't know all that already. Or even any of it. Some of it I know intellectually, but certainly not emotionally, so what you posted is really helpful. Thank you, Blueberry.
For sure there are trust issues, there, San. As I explained to my T, I have absolutely NO role models of how a mother might deal compassionately with a teenager. I have for little NK because my grandmother was kind and caring to me at that age and I spent decent amounts of time in her company. It sounds rather lame to say I literally don't know what to do with teenage NK, but the fact remains I don't so I have to feel my way here. My initial idea on how to lighten the load of teenage NK was to ask her to step back and let me prove myself capable. T pointed out that was just pushing her out of the way.
Quote from: Blueberry on September 12, 2025, 08:03:04 PMProbably you know that all already, NK.
As the above illustrates, I think, I actually don't know all that already. Or even any of it. Some of it I know intellectually, but certainly not emotionally, so what you posted is really helpful. Thank you, Blueberry.
#16
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - September 13, 2025, 06:22:49 AMThank you, dear friends, for cheering.
That's actually what little me needed, being seen, some friends cheering.
That's actually what little me needed, being seen, some friends cheering.
#17
Addiction/Self-Medicating / Re: Probably Need to Quit
Last post by Blueberry - September 12, 2025, 08:40:09 PMI saw this thread today and wonder how you're doing Phoebes
#18
Religious/Cult Abuse / Re: *TW* understanding the rol...
Last post by Blueberry - September 12, 2025, 08:28:49 PMI just want to let you know that i read most of your post (skimmed a few triggering bits), and I'm sorry you went through all this.
Don't ever worry about your experiences not being enough to be on a particular board. Most of us on OOTS have been through that in our thoughts, often for months/years - the abuse wasn't enough to 'count', nothing bad 'enough' happened to give us cptsd etc. It's not true. Otherwise we wouldn't all be here with all these symptoms. Yours sounds plenty bad enough to me, I'm sorry.
Don't ever worry about your experiences not being enough to be on a particular board. Most of us on OOTS have been through that in our thoughts, often for months/years - the abuse wasn't enough to 'count', nothing bad 'enough' happened to give us cptsd etc. It's not true. Otherwise we wouldn't all be here with all these symptoms. Yours sounds plenty bad enough to me, I'm sorry.
#19
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Re: Beating myself up for bein...
Last post by Blueberry - September 12, 2025, 08:17:07 PMGood on you for being able to see it a bit differently now DF, in a way less critical of yourself 
And of course 'having needs' doesn't equal 'being needy'!
And of course 'having needs' doesn't equal 'being needy'!
#20
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Blueberry - September 12, 2025, 08:04:43 PMWell done you, DF