Recent posts
#11
Physical Abuse / Re: My Sister and Physical Abu...
Last post by BlueMoon_ - July 12, 2025, 07:31:08 PMQuote from: Kizzie on July 12, 2025, 04:44:27 PMAn angry sibling in a dysfunctional, abusive family and parents who don't hold children accountable for behaviour like this is common sadly.
This seems to be something that happened a few summers back. Is she still behaving the same way towards you?
She hasn't done anything physical so far but I haven't spend much time around her this summer for obvious reasons.
#12
Physical Abuse / Re: My Sister and Physical Abu...
Last post by Kizzie - July 12, 2025, 04:44:27 PMAn angry sibling in a dysfunctional, abusive family and parents who don't hold children accountable for behaviour like this is common sadly.
This seems to be something that happened a few summers back. Is she still behaving the same way towards you?
This seems to be something that happened a few summers back. Is she still behaving the same way towards you?
#13
Symptoms - Other / Re: Do You Ever "Misread" Trau...
Last post by Kizzie - July 12, 2025, 04:23:36 PM
That's great to hear! #14
Physical Abuse / My Sister and Physical Abuse
Last post by BlueMoon_ - July 12, 2025, 05:58:03 AMI'm pretty sure my sister hit me and stuff more when we were younger but I can't remember for sure. But nowadays she does more covert stuff like touching me in other ways I dislike including poking, tickling, grabbing, etc.
But a more overt example happened a couple summers ago. I'm just going to vent it here because I haven't told the story to anyone outside of my family.
She had been bullying me a lot that summer, and it was getting really annoying, but one day we started getting along, and so decided to do an activity together. We started painting pictures together at the dining room table.
At first it was completely normal and serene, and I was having a good time. We were laughing and talking. Then suddenly my sister got up and walked behind me and grabbed me by the neck from behind painfully. I think she said something to me but I forget it, I guess because of dissociation.
Anyway, after that she went back to her seat like nothing happened. I got up and told my mom about it. When my mom confronted my sister she started crying, saying how I didn't even seem mad about it and she was just joking, and my mom didn't punish her because she always believes her when she cries for some reason.
I really don't get why she's so obsessed with hurting me. I fear maybe I did something mean to her as kids I can't recall and now she wants to punish me forever or something. Weird.
But a more overt example happened a couple summers ago. I'm just going to vent it here because I haven't told the story to anyone outside of my family.
She had been bullying me a lot that summer, and it was getting really annoying, but one day we started getting along, and so decided to do an activity together. We started painting pictures together at the dining room table.
At first it was completely normal and serene, and I was having a good time. We were laughing and talking. Then suddenly my sister got up and walked behind me and grabbed me by the neck from behind painfully. I think she said something to me but I forget it, I guess because of dissociation.
Anyway, after that she went back to her seat like nothing happened. I got up and told my mom about it. When my mom confronted my sister she started crying, saying how I didn't even seem mad about it and she was just joking, and my mom didn't punish her because she always believes her when she cries for some reason.
I really don't get why she's so obsessed with hurting me. I fear maybe I did something mean to her as kids I can't recall and now she wants to punish me forever or something. Weird.
#15
Symptoms - Other / Re: Do You Ever "Misread" Trau...
Last post by storyworld - July 11, 2025, 08:44:10 PMThanks, Kizzie, and that's a good point. Not every father is harmful. 
I married a great dad (and husband!) and am super grateful!
I married a great dad (and husband!) and am super grateful! #16
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by sanmagic7 - July 11, 2025, 01:33:17 PMSO, honestly, i feel your pain. the idea of not being seen or heard - yep. and the fact that very few professionals, including therapists let alone doctors know about or understand c-ptsd - yep, again. it's frustrating at the very least. adds to not being able to be seen or heard even when we're screaming it from the mountaintops!
i've also been to that dark place more times than i can count. i'm reaching out my hand to you to let you know i do see you, i do hear you, and you're not alone traveling thru this blasted tunnel of time that continually can pull us back into it when all we want to do is be free of it. i'm with you.
by the by, you're one of those wonderful people here on the forum - i hope you know that. love and hugs
i've also been to that dark place more times than i can count. i'm reaching out my hand to you to let you know i do see you, i do hear you, and you're not alone traveling thru this blasted tunnel of time that continually can pull us back into it when all we want to do is be free of it. i'm with you.
by the by, you're one of those wonderful people here on the forum - i hope you know that. love and hugs
#17
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - July 11, 2025, 10:14:16 AMsanmagic7
Thank you San! I'm so grateful to be part of this community and I'm so happy to hear it has been life-saving for you! Not sure who I'm quoting here, but when C-PTSD ever gets its due, there will be very little left of the DSM. I'm having visions of this forum getting extremely crowded in any case. Heaps of people are figuring things out for themselves and go online to find support because it's hard to find elsewhere. I feel bad I haven't found the space to give new members the welcome they deserve. Love and hugs right back at ya
********************************************************************************************************
TW/suicidal ideation
What started with a trigger several weeks ago, led to an EF that still waxes and wanes. Last night was torturous. I kept waking up. In the state between waking and sleeping, I was in suicidal despair. I was drowning in the abandonment melange. There was no way out of this unbearable loneliness. I felt the pull of death as the only relief for this. Like I used to on an ongoing basis.
I grew up in utter loneliness, despite having parents. Because of them. Those words are nothing more than an abstract concept of a horrific reality. A reality that is as alive in me as it was when it got created. The slightest misattunement has me reliving the torture of not being seen or understood by a single soul. Misattunements are a normal part of human interaction. Which makes this a no win affliction. It's so depressing to have felt so much of this, and still ending up here. There seems to be no end to the depth of this pain. And to it's devastating influence on everything. It's an extra bitter pill that virtually nobody knows what C-PTSD is. Health care professionals included. This perpetually feeds into the loneliness which is central to the trauma itself. This feedback loop is hard to bare. Especially when the past reality overshadows the current one, and safety in connection is needed more than ever.
I don't blame myself for withdrawing. It's not just my trauma talking when I state that people generally do not get C-PTSD. They don't. They can't even imagine. Opening up to people who have no clue, is pretty much guaranteed to backlash in such a vulnerable state. Just to make things not worse for myself I need to be extremely selective in who I interact with and how often. This excludes almost everyone. It makes life a balancing act on a tight rope over a lake of hydrochloric acid. If I don't interact that feeds into the loneliness, if I do it often does even more so. More than the pain itself, this catch 22 leads to suicidal ideation. It's the lack of a solution, however difficult it may be to achieve. So this is what it's like inside an EF. Just verbalizing and venting that is helping.
Meanwhile I've started planning a hike with a friend. A part of me is aware that I'm largely in an EF and my feeling tone can be dramatically different. A change of scenery and company has the potential to facilitate this. My cognition isn't fully bound to the EF all the time. I have just enough recollection of positive experiences to peak beyond my current constricted state. The trip brings it's own challenges, not in the least part going through customs and dealing with uniforms. My response to those passing on the street has gotten better, but I'm not over the incident. I feel like letting that block something like this would be a mistake. I may regret that when I'm actually face to face with the uniforms.
I've been mostly overwhelmed in recent weeks. It's been the reason for my absence here. Even interacting here is taxing than. It's so sad to conclude this is the case. You guys are great, and I hate to disappear in what feels like the middle of a conversation. Much love to you all.
Thank you San! I'm so grateful to be part of this community and I'm so happy to hear it has been life-saving for you! Not sure who I'm quoting here, but when C-PTSD ever gets its due, there will be very little left of the DSM. I'm having visions of this forum getting extremely crowded in any case. Heaps of people are figuring things out for themselves and go online to find support because it's hard to find elsewhere. I feel bad I haven't found the space to give new members the welcome they deserve. Love and hugs right back at ya
********************************************************************************************************
TW/suicidal ideation
What started with a trigger several weeks ago, led to an EF that still waxes and wanes. Last night was torturous. I kept waking up. In the state between waking and sleeping, I was in suicidal despair. I was drowning in the abandonment melange. There was no way out of this unbearable loneliness. I felt the pull of death as the only relief for this. Like I used to on an ongoing basis.
I grew up in utter loneliness, despite having parents. Because of them. Those words are nothing more than an abstract concept of a horrific reality. A reality that is as alive in me as it was when it got created. The slightest misattunement has me reliving the torture of not being seen or understood by a single soul. Misattunements are a normal part of human interaction. Which makes this a no win affliction. It's so depressing to have felt so much of this, and still ending up here. There seems to be no end to the depth of this pain. And to it's devastating influence on everything. It's an extra bitter pill that virtually nobody knows what C-PTSD is. Health care professionals included. This perpetually feeds into the loneliness which is central to the trauma itself. This feedback loop is hard to bare. Especially when the past reality overshadows the current one, and safety in connection is needed more than ever.
I don't blame myself for withdrawing. It's not just my trauma talking when I state that people generally do not get C-PTSD. They don't. They can't even imagine. Opening up to people who have no clue, is pretty much guaranteed to backlash in such a vulnerable state. Just to make things not worse for myself I need to be extremely selective in who I interact with and how often. This excludes almost everyone. It makes life a balancing act on a tight rope over a lake of hydrochloric acid. If I don't interact that feeds into the loneliness, if I do it often does even more so. More than the pain itself, this catch 22 leads to suicidal ideation. It's the lack of a solution, however difficult it may be to achieve. So this is what it's like inside an EF. Just verbalizing and venting that is helping.
Meanwhile I've started planning a hike with a friend. A part of me is aware that I'm largely in an EF and my feeling tone can be dramatically different. A change of scenery and company has the potential to facilitate this. My cognition isn't fully bound to the EF all the time. I have just enough recollection of positive experiences to peak beyond my current constricted state. The trip brings it's own challenges, not in the least part going through customs and dealing with uniforms. My response to those passing on the street has gotten better, but I'm not over the incident. I feel like letting that block something like this would be a mistake. I may regret that when I'm actually face to face with the uniforms.
I've been mostly overwhelmed in recent weeks. It's been the reason for my absence here. Even interacting here is taxing than. It's so sad to conclude this is the case. You guys are great, and I hate to disappear in what feels like the middle of a conversation. Much love to you all.
#18
Symptoms - Other / Re: Do You Ever "Misread" Trau...
Last post by Kizzie - July 10, 2025, 06:54:07 PMThat's interesting StoryWorld. It makes sense that as survivors we would think a kindly father would turn at some point because with ours that's what we experienced and it's what we expect of the world. I think it's an important point that life and people are not always like we experienced them, to know there are better and healthier ways to live.
#19
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Re: Feeling Suicidal Again
Last post by Kizzie - July 10, 2025, 06:49:41 PMBlueMoon, if you are actively having thoughts of committing suicide you really need to get some professional help. We of course support and care about you but we can't really help you over the Internet except to say please get some help. Our trauma makes us feel so dark at times and like we will never come out of it into the light of day, but many of us do, with help and treatment.
We have listed a number of resources here - https://www.outofthestorm.website/emergency. You can also go to the closest ER of a hospital.
You're not entirely alone with this feeling, many of us have been in the same place and we hope you can feel that we are here in the background hoping you will get the help you need.
We have listed a number of resources here - https://www.outofthestorm.website/emergency. You can also go to the closest ER of a hospital.
You're not entirely alone with this feeling, many of us have been in the same place and we hope you can feel that we are here in the background hoping you will get the help you need.
#20
Checking Out / Re: Checking Out in the good w...
Last post by asdis - July 10, 2025, 06:08:13 PM