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Hello Dante,
I'm not on this forum too often, but I'm glad you wrote this out. I have cPTSD and also read Pete Walker. It took a while to get "back" into my body as I suffer from severe emotional neglect. That becomes clearer and clearer as I go on. I also had few memories going in to all of this. What I realized was that those memories provided a context. They were not isolated events. The memory of my mother not holding my hand when I was 3 or 4 years old (not even sure of my age), when she switched to holding her hat with the hand I reached for, the look on her face (in the photograph - I remember that moment) , the look on my face (very sad and bereft), tells me a lot. Other memories have been similar. I also have plenty of gaps in my childhood and teen memories. My memory still isn't great even for adult memories. I've been going to a Somatic Experiencing therapist for over 3 years now. It has helped a LOT. I feel more, not always great to feel, but it means I'm more in the present. Right now I'm going through a real rough patch, but it's another layer of the trauma coming up and out. When I'm not in this state my life has definitely improved. I'm more engaged with it. People are still difficult, but, today, at least, I can be gentle with myself about it.
I hope you read this and find something of help here. Be gentle with yourself.

I haven't been on this forum in awhile. I was doing well. But since a visit with a friend in another state and the subsequent rupture, I have been suffering with light-headedness (dizziness?), tightness in my chest, and weakness. That's been 2 or 3 days out of 2-3 weeks. And many more days of severe fatigue. Today I am getting light-headed again. I did some spiritual work this morning, being gentle with myself as I realized that I've been irritable and am not physically gentle with myself. I took a long hot shower, at French Toast with honey for my Inner Child, and still the physical symptoms. I tried my Adult Child meeting, but I'm sick of those people. Actually, that's when I had to admit that my Outer Critic ({Pete Walker) was active. I read some of his book, too. I've had a few minutes of sobbing about my trauma.
I come to why I came here in the first place. I wondered if anyone here has had a good experience with the workbook, "Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach To Regaining Emotional Control And Becoming Whole" by Arielle Schwartz. I don't like case studies, of which there's 3, as I can't always identify.
So thank you for reading this far and I hope to hear from you. I figured this was the best place to go since you know about cPTSD.

It's so clear to me from the outside that when people here describe other people's reactions to - or non-reactions - to them that it's not the fault of the recipient! It's others' inability to engage and respond! If people have compassion and self-knowledge they will respond in ways that continue the relationship on whatever level is there! I'm so mad that there are less and less instances where this the case. I'm going through something myself where I'm really, really tired of this one person I've tried to connect with for years. I get a hook and then I reach out to get together. Nothing substantial comes back. The last time we got together, I think she must've felt sorry for me for expressing some loneliness during the pandemic on FB. In the decade or more that we've been aware of each other (with accolades from her, expressions of affection, and exclamations of how she likes me), we've gotten together, one-on-one, exactly TWICE!. This last email reaching out , her response was vague. I really want to write her and let her know I'm done. I see that it's really her inability (and dissociated state) and has nothing to do with me. I'm just sad. 

First off, I have to say, I have a really hard time concentrating with all these moving icons above the posting space. Wish they weren't there. I can't read with moving ads either. Gets me angry. I think I've found a way to avoid them. Relief! 

But the reason I'm writing is after some expansion in my life, I feel I am contracting. It may be a normal phase, but it seems to have happened after feeling betrayed. I have been close to someone for quite awhile. We talk on the phone a lot and had a couple of conversations last month where we didn't want to get off the phone. Then after that, I realized I was calling her a LOT more than she was calling me. I pulled back and didn't hear from her for a week. When I did hear, her message didn't acknowledge that we hadn't talked in awhile. We've talked about it some, but then after that conversation, I got to the root of it with myself and came up with betrayal. She acknowledged the "imbalance" in our friendship during our last conversation. I think it's been brewing for awhile except for that patch of time when we didn't want to get off the phone.

I usually have my blinds up all day for light. Today I wanted them down. Not dark, just so I feel protected.

Thanks for listening.

It definitely helped me to read this post. I'm going to post something similar, but just wanted to check in with this one. I like this forum. I can identify with the feelings and situations. It helps to feel less lonely. Thank you.

Read Pete Walker. An author who has CPTSD and helps others through it. Get support. ACA may help: Adult Children of Alcoholics and other dysfunctional families.

It's hard to see other people making their way in the world, whether with marriage, or friends, or groups, or in their chosen career, when I feel unworthy. But who inflicted that on me? My family system, my parents' inability to love and nurture me when I was totally dependent on them - from infancy through all the developmental stages. At each one I needed them and they weren't there. I was expected to already know, to be "responsible", to just do it without guidance.

It's very sad and I've grieved a lot over what I lost, no, what I never had. A difficult road with lots of  and  and  and  AND  Yes a LOT of anger. Sigh.

CPTSD  can start from infancy onward. What I found out about myself was because my mother neglected me and when I did complain or whine or speak up I got a quick, stern, "Stop it!" As a child that is devastating, especially because I was already in shut down (freeze-mode). So when I heard a child whine or whatever, I got angry. It's my mother! Her attitude towards me becomes my inner attitude towards the child, which is really my attitude toward my Inner Child. When I trace my feelings back to what happened to me as a child, that's when I begin to understand why I am like I am.

I hope this made sense and was helpful.

Thanks for the welcomes.   I really need that right now. I guess the emojis ARE fun. Something stern inside of me rejected them. Something from my parents' attitudes. Not pinpointing them right now. I'm still exploring here and hope to be able to find my way around soon.   

Thank you for this website. I was really glad to read that blog. I'm finding my way around the forum, I guess. I was so frazzled and frustrated at first. I am finding it soothing, surprisingly! Didn't know. I searched and I found!

Hello Mojay, I'm glad to read your post. I am new here as well and I've had a lot of healing in the past few years. I hope to get to know you better.
Marti
PS. I'm having trouble setting up my profile but hope you can check it out soon.

Hello to Fellow CPTSD survivors:
I've never been on a forum and I am frustrated right now with all I have to learn and the new stuff, like emojis above flittering around. I don't use those. I'm older... : /

I am not new to recovering from CPTSD, but it's only this year that I am coming to terms with relational trauma. I have few people in my life. I talk to people on the phone from different states through my recovery program, but no one in my immediate area I feel I can really talk to and depend on. I have an activity or two I do with other people, one live with precautions, and one on Zoom. But to really feel close and ask for help, like in my apartment kind of help, I have no one close-by.

I am hoping to have more company on this journey and maybe I need this format, though it's new, in order to feel safe. I don't know. Pete Walker suggested this site for me and even phone meetings may be too much for me right now.

I don't like sounding so non-functional. I function well in my apartment and with the groups I'm in. It just doesn't bring me any closer to anyone.

Thanks for listening.