Messages

Thank you <3

My mum forced her presence on me by forcing a visit. Apparently they are hurt and worried about me because I've cut off contact to an extent. I told the truth and asserted myself again. She done all the classic things, told me it only happened 6 times at most, she's always trying to rationalise and minimise it. She cringes at the word abuse because I wasn't battered black and blue (I was still hit just not bruised). She says she does agree it's abuse and it's not right, but she was still saying it's not severe abuse and she would call people arguing in the street verbal abuse too. She also said it's normal and happens in every household, basically. I wonder if that's true.
She says there's people treated much worse than me, which is an illogical point because you could say that about virtually anything. Like I could be kidnapped by a psychopath and have lots of evil things done but you could say, well the person who had that done to her AND her loved ones had it worse. That's an extreme example but yeah. It still hurt. Everything I am saying is still valid.

I brought up the time I took a panic attack and ran out the house without shoes on and apparently i didn't need to react like that. I explained I cannot help it, I cannot control the fact I am terrified of him, my brain has done this of its own accord due to events. That's not my fault and the way my brain reacts is actually affecting my life majorly. I told her I am getting therapy for this, because of the impact it has left.
She has went home and is clearly miserable.
She said they just want to put it in the past and he is sorry. Well he hasn't said it or acted to resolve things, has he? And I told her it's easy for them to put it in the past because they were not the victim.

I am becoming a lot more honest and assertive. I'm not proud because the truth hurts but I'm not ashamed either. What else is there to do, lie? It just hurts me. I need and deserve better.

Hey,

I'm a bit overwhelmed by all the therapy options. There's people centred, CBT, etc, etc.

I think EDMR or whatever it is sounds good but I don't think I can commit to that cost right now.

So, what therapy helps heal C-PTSD? I feel like I am quite deeply traumatised from my life. I need help. I don't know how to find a therapist that is really good with child abuse cases because on the counselling directory they all just seem to tick everything, so everyone is good at dealing with abuse apparently.

Any insight is much appreciated! Thanks in advance.

I just feel like a mug for kidding myself for so long. I knew I was getting the face, he's still an abusive person. He's still a bad person who thinks he's right and no doubt rejoiced at the opportunity to make those digs, randomely, to me, and portray me again as the bad one, and stand up for his choice to hit my brother in a sense.
I feel like a mug. He doesn't deserve the smugness of having me in his life despite what he has done to me. I regret being delusional and somewhat forgiving him, I was wrong. So wrong. What have I done? Silly girl, ignoring my feelings. I need to move on from this.

Trigger warning. Also I admit to being crappy in this myself. I like to be honest. I'm sorry.

I also totally vent here for a long time feel free not to read haha, just getting my thoughts out.


Thank you everyone. Truly, thank you.

I realise now that I was doing that sort of thing Riverstar. I have been very dependent on my family for emotional support recently but it's not like they've made it really any better. Actually, I got badly triggered by them the other day and I've realised a lot. I don't forgive him, I can't because he's not even sorry. My mum tells me he is but she's an enabler, she can't be fully trusted with these things. He said things that suggested I was the problem, things were getting bad again and I was a hypocrite because I accidentally lashed out at my brother when he was carrying on with me because he was on me and wouldn't get off and he was deliberately harassing me and I panicked ( I was crying and said sorry afterwards, it was a reaction and I didn't mean it, we play fight all the time and I never meant it out of malice it was totally reactionary to get him off me, spur of the moment accident. I didn't pure hurt him just raised my hand, I know I shouldn't have and I have apologised. I am being honest here I know I am not perfect and I wish I was. ) I said sorry and explained it wasn't right of me but it was totally not meant. I also told my brother he should respect my personal space more because I don't like it when he doesn't, especially when I am always telling him to stop and he never does, this spurs him on more.
He didn't really care or apologise, he doesn't really respect me or anyone in the family properly. He just laughed. Anyways

So I found it a problem, devastating actually, for my dad to call me a hypocrite obviously referring to my issue with him hitting me often when I was younger. That was different, that was done with intent to terrorise and control me. That was things like my door being smashed down, lock broken, so he could get to me. That was fearing for my life as he cornered me in, raising his fist. That was throwing my furniture around the room when I was only small. It gave me a total flashback, him making those comments and saying things were getting bad again in here, insinuating obviously that it was all my fault, I was the bad one. I couldn't stop crying and I was too scared to go in the same room as him, I had to get my mum to collect my things so I could leave. The terror can't leave so I can't have a relationship with them based on that alone. The fact I'm traumatised makes it all bad enough. I was honest with my mum in the car home, she said she has noticed I don't like my dad, she sees it in my face. I guess I couldn't even hide it, I never realised I was such an open book with my expressions. She said her dad gave her a black eye so she knows what it's like where you can't ever let it go. But you have to consider if the good times outweigh the bad (*). I told her they don't. It was so honest of me. They just don't. I don't even have good times as memories. He was either distant or angry or taking me along places that he enjoyed or had to go for company. I don't remember him ever telling me he loved me, telling me he was proud of me, praising me, taking an interest in my unique interests. So what good times are there to have a hope of outweighing the bad? Not that anything ever could. Oh hey look I'm finally angering. That's good I guess, that's good.

Unfortunately I trusted them enough to hold off moving into a new flat in the city right away and so I am living in a flat they own, near them, which they will be maintaining and checking in on, no doubt. I realise I made a mistake. I done the same in my abusive relationship, always wanting, no needing, to trust because I am so alone and depressed which is making me dependent.

My mum keeps texting me being overly nice. I'm kind of done with it. She's been such a doormat my whole life, she twists the truth and it hurts. I'm sick of trying to understand and feeling sorry for her. It's killing me, it's always been killing me. This abuse has utterly destroyed me, I'm the quietest person I have ever met because thanks to them people terrify me.
I'm done. I want out, soon, and I'm not pretending anymore. I'm not doing it.
I deserve better.

I've realised even from typing that out that I've been avoiding anger perhaps out of fear.
Thing is, when I confront what happened to me and more importantly how this has affected me, I do feel angry, naturally. It's a horrible thing.
But I'm uncomfortable with that, I guess mainly because I get along with them now. Maybe I don't want the fantasy world to pop.
Any further insight is appreciated. I've got a counselling appointment tomorrow so I'll try to talk about this if I don't socially avoid.

I get along with my family now. Outside of being gaslighted over 6 months ago I haven't been abused in the past 2 years.
It's a weird relationship, I'm not close to my dad but we get along in this very strange way - where there's a distance but maybe we pretend that there's not. We do get along for the most part, but when I was younger he was neglectful and he would go into these moods for short periods of time where verbal and physical abuse would tend to occur. I wonder now if he had / has a mental health problem. I still don't understand why he wouldn't have sought help. Maybe he didn't see the abuse as wrong, but how could you not? For that he would need to be severely messed up or missing something (empathy). I don't understand.
Anyway, my family are still in my life. See, I've gotten really, badly depressed again recently and I've been going back to them sometimes. I just need comfort, sometimes I am terrified of being alone because of how I feel. I don't know if it helps.

I wonder if I should still feel angry and be cutting them out when it's in the past. See, I know what happened to me was wrong, but I recognise it's not happening anymore. Should we always feel anger about these things? Or is acceptance and living in the moment more worthwhile? Or am I just lying to myself?
I think I'm codependent cause I feel like I need them. I always rely on someone. At one point it was even an abusive boyfriend because I still always needed someone - a distraction from all the horrible crap going on in my own mind.
I don't like anger. I see it as a negative emotion. But we're told we're supposed to be angry. Why would I want to feel an unpleasant thing? But maybe I have to. But I already felt it before, so why again, if I know the abuse was wrong?
I am so conflicted by this because I do realise I need to heal further too, as I am still rather wounded psychologically, and I still beat myself up quite intensely sometimes, so I can see why maybe I need to remember that the anger belongs outward, not inward.
It's hard cause it's in the past. I guess that's the whole deal with trauma though, we didn't get to feel it at the time when we should have.
This has been a ramble I do apologise. 

I am always learning. I feel that's a positive way of dealing with thoughts of saying / doing something "wrong" or being inauthentic.

I don't like being bitchy, but often I will join in with bitchiness as I am mirroring the other person. I have a tendency to do that, especially if I want the person to like me. It's inauthentic and something I have decided I should work on.

I should stop striving to be liked by people through being inauthentic. It feels uncomfortable and wrong. I don't like being two faced as well. See, it's hard when you don't like someone who is bothersome. That's my issue right now. I am nice and friendly, chatty to this persons face. Only because I have to be and it's hard not to be. But I feel guilty for having two faces and talking about them behind their back.

All of these thoughts over a bitchy comment I made.

It's just hard. I don't like being bitchy but at the same time I can acknowledge when someone is problematic, and I have done.

I am going to work on being more authentic and perhaps not bitching about people. Even if I don't like them I can accept that without being nasty behind their back, that's not the person I want to be.

Feels weird talking about something I've done wrong but I think that's important too, right? Personal development and all that. I know it probably doesn't sound like a big deal but it matters to me. Whenever I make a nasty comment ever it makes me feel so bad inside. I feel like even the people I'm conversing with will judge me, even though they're doing the same thing. Perhaps a toxic shame thing.

I am being really honest here about my own flaws, I know. I am trying to be better too.

Well, hadn't this been a ramble?

Ive ate a lot today, think I hit at least the recommended daily calorie amount, woo! This is an achievement for me.

I'm feeling less exposed and anxious recently due to less stressful new social activities, so that's why I can eat again I think. It's good. Hopefully it will last, I really want to put on weight because I am so skinny now, it's really bad.

I have a good amount and vairiety of friends and supportive people in my life. This is good. I appreciate these things more than anything tbh.

I am trying to be okay with the idea of not needing constant approval from others. If someone doesn't respond the way I want them to, so what? I am still me. I am still worthy and awesome. Hells yea!

It's working. I'm feeling not so bad and obsessive about it. I think this is because I have accepted I don't NEED other people / another person to prove my worth. Even if you get them you're still worrying and doubting if you think like that. So nah, I am choosing to be okay with myself. If I make mistakes, if I act "weird", if I say something "wrong" or whatever that doesn't define me. The me underneath is unchanging and pure, I think.

Wow, this must be what it feels like to like yourself.

I think having more good friends has helped me see myself in a better light. Also, being more mindful and meditative, though. When you're in the present moment past "mistakes" become irrelevant. You realise that you are not the past or the future, you are you, the same as always.

Idk I am really tired it is way past my bed time haha. If my words are a bit muddled this may be why.

Goodnight diary dear.

(I didn't know how to delete this, as a first post, but I felt I shared too much info so I'll summarise it below:

I was basically getting a lot of anxiety over texting and seeing someone occassionally. My inner critic was going mad because of this as it always does, as I overanalysed things.

I now realise that due to anxiety I was majorly overworrying and making a big deal out of something that should be relatively simple, tehe.

Sorry for this weird way of editing it. It made me feel uncomfortable to share too many things that could identify me. I know that's probably very irrational, as a worry, but I didn't like having it on my mind...)

I completely identify with the negative, worrying thoughts whenever someone does not reply for some time. I am the same. It is *.

I would say for you just now: don't worry about it too much! (Easier said than done though I know.) If she's interested that's great! And if it doesn't turn into something more in time then you are still completely valuable and worthy and maybe it just wasn't the right fit. There are others out there who will be.

Thank you both very much 

I am considering volunteering at some point. I think it would help with the loneliness too and maybe give me more purpose and happiness.

I have been off work for the past three days. I said I was physically sick, so that's my excuse. I could probably delve in to the whole "it was my mental illness" thing. I'll see how it goes.

I plan to go back tomorrow. I told my boss I am planning to and feel a bit better.

I still feel depressed and detached. I have done some things over the past week however that did help a bit. I think I said before that I reached out to my FOO. They're not the worst and treat me pretty well now, in the present, but of course there's still that damage in the relationship felt on my side. I simply felt all alone and had to turn to someone.
My mum has been helping me. She came up and cleaned my flat with me - it had gotten very, very unclean. I am not very capable in my depression, you see. We also went out for dinner and she let me talk about all these things that were bothering me.

My relationship with my mum is complicated. She can be really good but she has still been emotionally manipulative and really rather problematic in the past. She lives in denial of the abuse that happened. I want her in my life still, and that's my choice. It's a choice that would probably be different if she was presently abusive.

What happened still leaves a distance however, something uncomfortable. It's felt on my part at least.

I believe that my family dynamic has been one where my mum was verbally and probably emotionally abused by my dad. I am not aware of physical abuse as I never saw or heard of that, but can't completely rule it out. Because of this dynamic I think she has been manipulated and also lives within her own denial. She also chose him over me time and time again, under the guise of choosing the family as a whole unit over me attempting to split it up or whatever. I always hoped my mum would leave him, it was a dream.

Which is all crap, of course. I deserved so much better.

Nevertheless, I still love her and I believe she loves me and she does make effort to be there for me :/

Like I said, it's quite complicated.

My dad is nice to me now but I wonder if I am getting the front he put on to other adults when he was abusing me. I have transcended the role of victim and now I am someone who gets the "friendly" face.

God my family are so interesting in all their * up-ed ness. You could write some real good psychological analysis'. If you were into that.

Not so fun when it's ya life.

Maybe I'm relying on my mum through co dependence though. I felt like I had nobody else and I was REALLY falling apart.

I also went to stay with my gran. This was nice. My gran is my dads mum, but she's his opposite - kind and caring. She's also entirely submissive, you can tell my papa was in charge when he was around. Probably part of my dads messed up-ed-ness (I'm inventing new words now I'm sleepy ok). She never got involved in the family "arguments" despite her presence during some of them - these "arguments" being me responding to the abuse, in my memory. So that sucked I guess.

But at the same time, in the present, going to stay with her is really nice and peaceful. She looks after me and loves chatting away to me. Her house is quiet and calm, clean and tidy. I felt better when I woke up there. Still depressed, but feeling more loved, less alone and my anxiety had decreased.

Sometimes you REALLY need other people - nice, kind other people. I know my family are messed up but my gran has never been nasty to me or told me how to feel or got involved. I still appreciate her :/ I know that might be looked at weirdly but hey, that's my outlook, my choice.

I also spent time with my little brother the next day. That was really special. He's a light in my life, that one (they both are! Just that I spent a lot of time with the youngest that day). I helped him with his homework, carried on and watched funny YouTube videos with him. We just chilled, it was nice, to see him happy and to spend time with a kid who I really love who loves me too, yano. Connection is so important.

I actually felt quite lifted at this point. I was inspired to try new things with my hair, something I haven't done in months tbh - I've been so miserable, barely even brushing it most days. So it was nice to be wanting to do something again, for happiness. :-) I can do side plaits now, yay I guess.

Today I was back at my flat. It's been a depressive day - they all are right now. I met my new doctor, he seems really nice and pretty good. He gave me tablets I can take at times of anxiety, as opposed to ongoing medication, and gave me a local counselling services name to contact. I have contacted them and I look forward to it, I hope it will help. It looks more promising than the paths I have been down before.

I've not ate dinner, only breakfast and lunch. Not my best day but hey ho.

I wrote some poetry at one of my really low points, it often comes out of me best then. I am fair chuffed with what I produced, and have posted it on my blog, first post in several months :-) got quite a good few likes and stuff, so that feels good. I love writing, it's like my thing in life. It's where I feel my purpose lies in this life. It helps. It doesn't take the pain away but it makes sense of it. It lets me see myself as a person in a story, which exists outside of my critical view where I see myself from within. That might sound strange but it makes sense in my head, hey ho. Like I said I AM VERY SLEEPY.

My inner critic and stuff has been really bad. It's gotten pretty monstrous. I want to get better at handling it. I'll just keep doing what I can. It's hard when you believe it and don't fully believe it at the same time, very confusing stuff  It is crazy how stressed I can get over what people think of me though. If someone doesn't like me, what's gonna happen? What they gonna do? * all.
It's the way even the idea of it triggers toxic shame and so much insecurity, though. Sometimes I become avoidant just to avoid triggering that. Self awareness is weird as well lolz.

You know what? Writing here is really helping. I feel more "put-together" already. I appreciate this online little place to make sense of our thoughts and emotions. It provides something rather vital, really. Feeling grateful guys.

I have been dreading work tomorrow, when I actually think about it. I feel embarrassed and shameful because of two reasons: one. I accidentally sent a silly video message of me and my brother carrying on to someone I work with lol, I then apologised for this. IC alternates between: this is embarassing! To: it isn't a big deal, why'd you apologise weirdo?

I also have been speaking to someone at my work in a not just friends but not quite anything else way, I guess. I liked him, dunno why. Think I just wanted someone. Had some cool qualities. But think he's either a bit of a player, not really into me or a combo of the two. Otherwise just bad at keeping up communication and / or being shy. Who the * knows? Anyway, he regularly does this thing where he texts me, then when I reply he reads my message and sometimes doesn't reply for hours / days / forever. It's so confusing! Sends my social anxiety into overdrive. So he's done that again. The last message I sent told the story of the accidental video send and I also admitted to feeling let down by my friends. So my IC has been having the time of his life, yano? It doesn't know what to scream about, being embarassing or weird or over-sharing, more!

I know it's probably just BS on some level, and he is the one with the problem for being so distant one minute and interested the next, sending mixed messages and so on. I know I am probably similar due to my anxiety but still, he is being really rude! Hurts my feelings

I know this seems like an overreaction but yano what being triggered is like lol. Everyone here will understand anyway, I'm just making excuses at the imagined thought of someone else reading or coming across this. Paranoia you never let me down!

Anyway this eventful weekend led me into a * storm of negativity, pretty much summarised by me being all alone at work with everyone either detesting me or being indifferent / pushed away by my socially anxious ways.

Isn't it fun being mentally ill!!!

I'm gonna go sleep now because as I have said several times I am very sleepy. I've enjoyed writing about this, it helps. When I make a bit of a joke out of things it helps me take it all less seriously and see how silly it is, and how simply human I am. I love writing, it is therapy to me.

Bye bye for now 

TW

Last night I had the worst breakdown. I was home alone and started absolutely bawling my eyes out, to the point where I could barely breath. I don't really do that. It feels like I've been falling apart, I am deteriorating so much man, like holy heck.

I ended up phoning a helpline, which was actually helpful. The woman on the other side was really nice and seemed to genuinelly care. It did help me to talk to someone, see I've been feeling so freaking alone. I think I just need someone to talk to sometimes about all the crazy stuff going on in my head. I say "crazy stuff" but it's not really all so crazy. I'm dealing with a lot so of course it hurts to bottle it all up.

I'm feeling so ashamed of myself recently. I don't want to go to work anymore, I'm finding it harder and harder to.

I'm experiencing this horrible battle where I don't want to be around people because I feel so totally shameful, but I don't want to be alone either because nothing hurts more than feeling alone.

Help!

I believe in the shame right now. I believe I am shameful and unloved. Also, different. So different from my group of "friends".

I think my problem is I'm still with the same group I've been with for years upon years. We aren't the same kind of people, I am different. But I'm too socially anxious and detached to make new friends I feel as comfortable with. So I stay and wonder why I feel so unloved and different.

I just want to feel okay with myself but will I ever? I feel so fundamentally flawed. Or at least that I am fundamentally flawed to others. Like I'm just waiting on them finding out. I feel like a total freaking loser.

I should just embrace myself, in all my weird and wonderful ways. But it's so hard. Ugh.

I feel like people all secretly hate me and if they don't, they will.

Mental illness sucks.

I hope I'm not crap. I hope my brain is wrong

It's hard because I'm so split in my mind. I don't know if it's real or not, so I don't have a course of action - I just suffer.

Like I don't go oh well I'll improve myself because a part of me is like "no this is obviously BS like all the other times before".

But I also don't fully reject the inner critic because I remember being bullied and abused and disliked and rejected. I remember feeling so embarrassed and ashamed at different stages throughout my life. I listen to it and wonder if it speaks some truth. After all, I do make mistakes, it could be true, I do feel pretty crap, and sometimes people react badly to me.

So, yeah, I just suffer. I can't be arsed anymore.

I hate it. I hate this life.

I ended up going back to my FOO's house last night after my breakdown. That's how much I couldn't bear being alone. I figured I needed to go back to my hometown anyway, was my birthday this week and all. Not like anyone has even got me a card though - although my mum did buy me expensive shoes for my birthday on holiday so that's something, Im not discrediting that.

My dad is actually such a pig (sorry pigs you don't deserve that insult, cute little animals). He was telling me about how angry he got at these young boys driving by because they were trying to piss him off apparently. Sounds like there was cheek on both sides but these boys were laughing about it too. He says he got out the car to fight them, until my little brother started crying in the back and they pointed this out, shaming him. Clearly his temper is still the same, the need to control and hurt others who dare disobey him type of thing.
The way they talk to my younger brother is so bothersome too. He is really attention seeking and annoying - he doesn't take no for an answer and begs you until you say yes or get stern with him about it. But that's cause of how my mum has parented him, she gives in to the begging and whining. But anyway they just get angry at him all the time. If I tell him off for something they both have to join in, shouting. Even when he hasn't done anything wrong they'll interject, like when I was asking to borrow his earphones and my mum interjected calling him selfish and I was like "wow hold up it's HIS earphones I was just asking he's fine to keep them". It's crap, pure crap. He's like the scapegoat of the family, constantly treated like a bother - and I mean constantly. All day, every day.

I know it must seem weird that I am here but the depths of loneliness I felt during my flashback were monumental and I just felt I had to come back to my hometown. The loneliness was scaring me. My friends were mostly all busy too so going to see them instead wasn't an option. Besides, I didn't want to visit them totally depressed and that.

God, I really do feel so ashamed of myself. I don't know how people can like me - but people do, I think. People act like they do. It's weird. People r weird.

I need help, someone to talk to. I need to process what has happened to me. I'm suffering so much and I'm not able to hold myself up from drowning. I plan to go to the doctors on Monday, I think I might actually take the day off work sick, potentially the week or ask to work from home since we can do that now. I don't think I can face the world. I know avoidance is my worst enemy etc. but it's hard, it's so so hard.

This has been a rambling ramble. Goodbye.

Thank you ThreeRoses  That's kind of you and made me feel a bit better

It's not the parental abuse I am blaming myself for, but I do still feel so much shame over being bullied in high school. It wasn't my fault though, you're right, some people are just really cruel. It was inane things like my hair, my clothes, my (lack of) make up or my social anxiety they picked on. None of those things make me a bad person. I need to address these memories more, I think, because I haven't properly done so to change my perspective on them. For years I just felt so ashamed. Too ashamed to revisit them really, it was overwhelming embarrassment I felt.
It feels like a small thing. It's not like I was being hit, but I've always been a very sensitive person and I was already feeling vulnerable I guess due to my home life, already with low self esteem and social anxiety. So it did hurt and that's real and it still matters, right?

I am feeling better tonight, after a monumental breakdown today.

It helped me break out of an emotional flashback a bit by saying to myself: my age, "I'm safe now", where I live and work and "nobody is abusing me anymore". It just helped me to break out of the mind frame where you feel you're in the past again, and that other people are like the abuser / will regard or treat you the way they did. It didn't fully fix my mental state, it really didn't, but it just made me feel calmer and more empowered in the moment. I felt myself easing off in work and my anxiety decreasing. It decreased because I realised the people around me weren't like him, nor were they likely to act like this. This was different. I'm an adult now. I got out. I'm free, even if my mind doesn't feel it sometimes.

The bad thoughts I was having about myself calmed down since someone I perceived as having rejected me spoke to me all nice again. This is obviously a problem in my life, this overwhelming projection and fear of rejection. Like someone doesn't reply to a message and I'll be like "wow! It's true! I'm a terrible person. Inner critic was right. They must think this, they must think that. Maybe it was this thing I done, maybe that..." My brain goes in to overdrive. Then the person talks to me again and Im like "oh right you don't hate me cool "

I project hatred and disapproval onto people all the time. But it keeps getting proven to be crap. My brain be crazy.

Oh positive things! I hung up my TWLOHA Calander again last night (the images have messages related to mental health. Septembers is "you are enough". I love it). I put three tick boxes on each day, one for my online therapy course that ive decided I ought to start again, one for food (Im striving to eat 3 meals a day) and one for vitamins. I done all the things today, woo!

I'm falling asleep so I'm gonna end this here. Na'night!

Aw I really relate to a lot of what you're saying.

Also, that quote is great, saving it.

Well done for keeping on keeping on. It's great to hear you're moving forward and you're gonna get out of the house  I hope you find a good therapist and wish you all the best in the future 

Yep. I was on Mirtazapine for a while. It made me really hungry all the time which was the one good thing for me - if a little annoying - as I struggle a lot with eating enough due to being depressed. I don't believe it worked long term. I told the doctor it wasn't working and the side effects - chronic exhaustion, sleep paralysis and frequent inability to wake up on time - were too bad. She suggested raising my dosage.
The withdrawal was *. My anxiety was higher than before, or at least it felt that way. Maybe I just couldn't cope with all the new things I had accomplished since before the meds, without them numbing me. Either way, it proved to me that they were no solution, just a temporary "fix" that didn't even seem to fix me very much if at all. I do think they made me happier at first, to be honest. Or maybe it was coincidence. They didn't work at the end though. I was still severely depressed, even with a dosage increase.
The withdrawal gave me nausea too, really bad nausea.
I vowed never to go back on them again.
I consider it now, sometimes, because so many people are for them. But it doesn't sit right with me. I don't trust them. I don't believe this is the solution. I can't believe this is just a chemical imbalance! It's thoughts - negative thoughts I've grown up thinking. It's core beliefs - that I am unworthy and crappy as a person. It's flashbacks to feeling unloved, embarrassed and so alone.
Medication might temporarily give me a mood boost, like drugs or alcohol would too. But it doesn't do anything to address the issue, it just masks it with rose tinted glasses for a bit. Plus it's highly addictive, like jeez. That withdrawal was such a horrible experience.
That's my feelings on them, anyway. I totally reject them, but I do wonder sometimes due to the wide public support for them.

TW


I often worry that my inner critic is right. What if I am a pretty terrible human being?

I've got it into my head that I'm obnoxious when I'm talkative (either through being drunk or just trying to be more me, or even being nervous and over talking). I have decided that other people think this too, even though they haven't explicitly said it.

There's a narcissistic guy at my work and virtually everyone talks about him behind his back. I have too. He was seeing one of my friends you see and done some pretty scary mind game stuff when she broke things off. He's also overbearing, rude and holds himself above everyone else (even people who are really smart and good at their job).

My inner critic says I am like this person, because I crave attention and approval. My inner critic says I am self absorbed like him whenever I talk about myself "too much" in conversation, think I'm funny when I'm not or whatever else. I think a part of it is recognising that something is going on with him mentally, he's been noted as not "normal" and I relate to being not normal and mentally ill so my brain has latched on to this. It's saying that I am like this too.

I've attacked myself about being narcissitic before though, until I done a personality test and found I was so not narcissistic it was basically dangerous lol. Do you wanna be the centre of attention? * NO. That was how my answering went.

See I think I'm a bit weird. I'm not a normal person, I have alternate style, I've never been one to act like the crowd, I'm a bit socially awkward and unsure of how to act (more like a lot), I reject some social norms like rigid gender roles and question a lot of widely accepted things. I'm not normal and maybe I'm not easy to swallow. Is that a reason to be filled with shame?

I'm not perfect. I'm not very good at playing things cool. I'm not the worlds best communicator, far from it. I'm terrified of hurting or bothering people, but I have good intentions, at least, and I don't do anything to hurt anyone. So I shouldn't feel this way, right? Some people might not like me but that should be okay, they can move along and relate to other people instead. But it's not okay in my brain most of the time. It's terrible and I feel like I need to run away to stop the shame, stop their judgement, stop any more of me "messing up".

My social anxiety makes me withdrawn too and this brings with it a lot of guilt. It's probably not that big a deal because I am virtually always nice when someone talks to me and people still seem to like me, but idk. Sometimes it's pretty bad and will probably come across as rude. I've seen people offended by these things.

I also feel like I annoy my friend group. I talk to them more than they talk to me, I think. They all have relationships and I don't. I'm the only one who gets ridiculously anxious over silly things, at least the only one who is so open about it. A lot of them don't really have time to see me anymore, even on my birthday week. It's ok, they have jobs and stuff, but idk it feels like they could still make the effort a bit more :/ they manage to do other things. I also talk about myself a lot with them I think, just sharing things. But what if I'm annoying and nobody cares?

I'm ditsy too. Really ditsy. Probably a CPTSD thing but still. On holiday with my friends I done lots of silly things like leaving keys in the room, leaving a safe unlocked. I don't manage to think straight well, my head is constantly jumping around so many things at once. I laugh about it like I don't care but I don't like having a brain so jumbled. They got quite annoyed with me, like really annoyed, like I was meaning it. They weren't nasty or anything just a bit peed off. I did endanger their things, even though it turned out okay.

So these are the reasons I feel worthless and not like a good enough human. What if my inner critic is right? There are people in the world, narcissists and abusive people, who virtually all others come to dislike. What if I'm like that? My inner critic has latched on to this idea.

It's sad for the narcissistic in a way but you can say it's their fault. But how self aware are they? Still their actions that cause it, can't get drawn in by sympathy that's not what I'm saying. Just contemplating.

It's just like what if I am a cringey piece of * that people are a bit fed up with and annoyed by? I think that could be true. I see signs of it everywhere. People not talking to me anymore, people getting exasperated with me, friends having less time for me. Even the occasional person who will poke fun at or openly dislike me (this is rare but and I understand everyone probably deals with *), but I experience it sometimes and it really doesn't sit well. 

Plus all the abuse and the bullying, I begin to think was some of it me? I instantly reject that but the thought pops up recently. The bullying still feels like it was my fault. The dislike of my abusive ex's friends, too. I haven't changed my perspective enough on that, I still blame myself.  I think that's where this stems from. But I also think it seems true by my current experiences. I am so insecure in myself.