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Something interesting happened a few days ago. Tiny (my five-year-old self) tends to linger when I'm incredibly hungry or feeling isolated. I don't know how to describe the feeling. Like dreaming, or meditating, but somewhat different.

I saw Tiny inside of a box in my head. I opened it, and I asked her if she would like something better than the box. She seemed frightened by the possibility of anything other than hiding- she kept saying she wanted to go home, only she didn't know where it was.  We disassembled the box and rebuilt it into a cabin where there could be anything she would ever want. There's a nice comfortable bed and plenty of food. Outside, there is a big forest and fairies to be friends with her. My dad is there and she knows that if she ever needs anything, I am always right there, because I'm carrying her inside of me. She was ready to have a nap after that. I think I fell asleep, too, but I can't recall.

I tried to remember the rest of the day and it's just blank space- like the day never happened, and it was just that moment. Feeling a little nervous about it. I must have been awake for the rest of it. I'm really glad I managed to soothe Tiny, but there's still insecurity in not remembering other things.

Thank you both for being supportive <3 I'm glad my healing could help other people. I'm really grateful for that! I hope your days are good!

I'm happy to help! I've been doing a lot of art therapy recently and it's helping tremendously. I'll post them when I finish them! <3 thank you for being supportive!

I'm comfortable enough now to say "the things that happened to me were wrong, no matter who was doing it."

It's like a weight off my shoulders. Friends, family, strangers- it doesn't matter who, or why. It was simply wrong and I need not tolerate it anymore. Setting boundaries, I've realized, isn't abusive. Saying "no" isn't abusive. It's my right to say "no." It feels odd saying that, but it's true. My emotions are my own, no matter how fragmented they are. I think the most startling thing is understanding I'm not "broken" and I don't need to be "fixed." So many people were certain I was just crazy when it was trauma. Well, I'm awake now to know otherwise. It's rejuvenating. I'm a person. Not a pet, not a toy, and not insane. A traumatized person. It all feels much simpler.

All living things are intended to flourish. I'll make like a dandelion and grow in the concrete if I have to, but I know I never have to accept being abused ever again. 

Thank you, Phoebes. I really appreciate it. It's a little bit confusing at times- I knew who I was and what I was supposed to do, then suddenly it was taken away. I made friends at school that ended up being just as narcissistic and having to split from them was difficult, too. It all makes me feel very small, like a dot on the globe.

I'm incredibly glad I got away from her, but I hate how empty I feel when there isn't someone controlling me. Living my whole life, taking orders, and then that's apparently not how things are supposed to be. 20 years. 20 years I spent all wrong. Messes with my head a little bit. I think it would do that to anyone. You're right about the believers comment- it's all very cult-like. No challenging the leader because then everyone leaves. I know I'll figure it out eventually, it's just complicated.

I'm so sorry for the delay, BJeanGrey!
Yes, you're free to save it. You were primarily the reason I drew it. You seemed really lonely recently, and I know it's hard. Been having a rough few days myself. I'm grateful you like it! <3 I consider you a friend. It's the least I could do, really.

I managed to finish at least one digital drawing yesterday! The people on this forum are probably the kindest I've ever met, and I wanted to give them a thank you. So, thank you for sharing your stories and hobbies and likes/dislikes, it really does remind me that I'm still human. Drawn to BJeanGrey's music recommendations!

https://imgur.com/phKLxjS

Absolutely! It's the kind of music that makes me wanna do well just because I can. Not out of spite, but sort of an "I told you so" to mean people, if that makes sense? That's what I like most about it! The air of "well, I'm here now, and I'm not going away!"

He has a unique voice! You might also like Cosmo Sheldrake- his music is kind of fantastical, but it's sweet and fun. "Come Along" reminded me of you.

https://youtu.be/bIyl9bCp6W4
"Come come come come come along now,
Run away from the hum-drum,
We'll go to a place that is safe from,
Greed anger and boredom.

We'll dance and sing till sundown,
And feast with abandon,
We'll sleep when the morning comes,
And we'll rise by the sound of the birdsongs."

"Healing Anne" is gorgeous! It reminds me a little bit of Requiem in White. The instruments tell an entire story by themselves and that's amazing to me. I drew something to the music you've been sending, actually! I'll put it in the art section, but your recommendations have been helping me a whole lot, and I figured you should know.

I must have been 9 or so. We were going to the store to pick up clothes for my mother. (She never took us to get new clothes. Just for herself. If I needed them, I needed to visit my father, and she was blackmailing him. "If you don't give me money you'll never see your daughter again." I learned a year or so ago she would describe me as a "cancer" to him in these emails. The man was living in a cockroach infested apartment and she was taking his money.)

Her boyfriend, my older HB (the one who would throw me at things and laugh about it), and I were in the car with my mother. She turned a bit to look at me and asked if I knew what I was. I said no, hoping for something pleasant for once. Just once.

"You're a useless piece of cattle I can sell off and you can't do anything about it."

And she laughed, and laughed, and her boyfriend didn't say much of anything. When we got home I broke down sobbing. Her excuse?

"It was just a joke. I don't understand why you're so upset, Booboo." My nickname was Booboo because I "was an accident." She then went to her Facebook group, where she was considered the best mother EVER. Had at least 300 people so certain she was the Virgin Mary. It felt like everyone was in on it. Maybe they were. I still don't know. I doubt I ever will.

Hey, Kingfisher.

I was a lot like you when I first started healing. It didn't matter what the abuse was, I could always excuse it with "but they didn't mean to/they were struggling, too." Sometimes people are just cruel. No excuses needed for them. If they were remorseful, they would change their behavior. There is no such thing as "too much", either. Your emotions, and your brothers' emotions, are valid. Keeping you in my thoughts. You're more resilient than you know.

I'm so glad you like them!! I never really have anyone to share my music with, so this is new and exciting!! It's like a big warm emotional hug to know you like them. Thank you so much!

I never really listened to The Oh Hellos, only saw them in my recommended. I can't believe I didn't listen to them until now! It's a wonderful song, like I get to wave a big victory flag now. Like maybe I really do get to live now, not just survive. Thank you for sharing! It was just what I needed this morning!

One of my old favorites is by The Mountain Goats, called "This Year"! The singer's voice is a bit different but the words are really what make it for me.
https://youtu.be/eetIgGXH6DA

"My broken house behind me and good things ahead" is really what gets me, I think.

I realized something today!

When I finally start to relax, I immediately think I'm forgetting something crucial. Even when there's nothing I could possibly be forgetting! Originally I thought it was a memory issue, but that wouldn't be it. I think it's because I've never actually relaxed, so my brain doesn't know how to make sense of it. Being stressed about being calm is confusing sometimes.

Does anyone else relate? Am I off-base, or does that seem reasonable?

That's awesome, BJeanGrey!  I'm so glad you like her music! I've found it incredibly therapeutic and I'm thrilled that you enjoy it! I'd also recommend the Crane Wives but their songs aren't as hopeful as Florence's- more angry and confused. Caladh Nua has a good Irish song about being yourself, too.

https://youtu.be/PjPkbIjV6GQ

"If I go to the thick woods plucking berries or nuts
taking apples from the branches or herding the cows
If I stretch out under a tree for a while in repose
Oh what does it matter to those it doesn't concern?"

I'm glad you like it!

Mogwai reminds me a little bit of math rock and shoegaze, I really like that. Like an audio version of a nice summer night sky, I think! I hope you get to see Mogwai, too! I'm gonna add them to my playlist. Thank you for sharing!

1. I ate today and didn't feel guilty about it!
2. I went to the grocery store and didn't feel very anxious.
3. I did laundry!