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My mom thought of herself as a long-distance energy healer and reiki master. One night, while she was inebriated, she started talking about energy and started "pushing" hers into mine while I was trying to sleep. I remember distinctly her saying "your little heart's beating so fast." I know she was messing with my chakras now, but I had no idea what she was doing back then. I started having weird dreams and slept in a dog bed instead at one point, and she told me "I know what you were dreaming about" as soon as I woke up. I still have no idea what she was talking about. I know she pushed energy into my ovary and it hurts to think about it, she was into reincarnation.

Just kind of hurt and confused about it. I never really told anyone because I didn't know how to. I thought they'd write me off or call me crazy, but some days there are parts of my body that really hurt from remembering what she did. She would tell me we would have to hunt for our own food; that the government was going to kill us. As far as I'm aware, I was the only person she told about her end of the world theories. She was against vaccinations. I never considered it cult abuse until recently, I guess she was trying to get me to parrot off her beliefs as my own.

I hope this makes sense. I'm just getting back into meditation and some things do not feel right at all about what she did.

It was that bad. It won't always be this bad. It never was your fault. You will make an amazing mother one day if that's what you want. No doubt about it.

I appreciate it a lot. I think I've earned a little bit of a rest today- that was all a lot to process, and I'm sure there's more crying to be done about it but maybe I'm not quite ready. It takes time to cry about different things- lots of dissociation around instances in particular. 

Apologies for the delay- I was able to get some food from a restaurant, so that's a happy moment for me today. There's some sunburn going on which is keeping me somewhat re-associated. Lots of feelings in my stomach. A nervousness/unease. I think I got used to apologizing for everything because that was easier than acknowledging that it wasn't my fault. Not a surface level knowing, but a deeper knowing that if I wanted the pain to stop, fawning was safer. I remember making ramen for my half-brothers and going hungry instead. I was the youngest, neither of them knew how to work the stove but I figured it out. My ribs hurt a bit now- assuming that's another body memory. There's absolutely structural dissociation going on. I think there's shame about it, and a wanting to cry, but no tears are coming out.

Thank you for being understanding about it. I'm not used to feeling like the hurting wasn't my fault. I remember going to a therapist early in my life and when they asked me my thoughts, I told them they were, "you always mess up." They weren't in I's, but in you's. I'm not quite sure when that started but it was something I was told frequently. The overall message was that I was bad, and the things I did were always wrong regardless of what it was. I remember being told *TW* I'd make a horrible mother, for no reason. By my own abusive mother. There was a lot of projection. She wanted to be an "energy healer" and was into reiki, so there's some dissociation around that, too. Things have to get easier at some point.

I want to tell myself it wasn't that bad but it clearly was; if it "wasn't that bad", I wouldn't feel this way.

TW for mentions of abuse again- and thank you for being patient with me.

Part of me wants to fight against compassion because of a wounded inner child; the other part wants to be comforted. I'm dealing with knowing that my mother knew something was going on but did nothing; and that my sibling enjoyed throwing me against things and hitting me. Still slightly dissociated right now because of it. I just don't understand how I lived through it and came out differently to them. I don't have the same violent impulses they did, and some of me wants to cry for them, too. I don't want to blame my siblings for what they did. I want to forgive them but I don't know how to. The abuse shaped me as a person to always want to apologize and that was used against me. There are so many people I want to apologize to, even if I don't "need" to. I'm missing memories of most of my high school years, and they weren't that long ago.

I think the pain in my back will go away sometime but I don't know exactly when. I feel like it broke some of my bones but I never went to the doctor to check what happened. I just remember hitting the bed frame and the floor, and gasping for air. I don't understand why I feel the need to apologize instead, but it's a feeling that's there. Maybe something happened to him that I just didn't know about. Feeling a little lost in all of it. I know he was the golden child, but there's no feeling of wanting to compete for NM's love anymore. Just a coldness and sadness that he felt the need to do that. I want to know why we couldn't play normal games. I want to know why I had to be hurt for him to have fun, and why he wanted to make my pain a "good thing" by being proud of the injuries he caused. Why he wanted me to be proud of it, too, when I never was and always left the basement with new bruises. I don't know if he really deserves forgiveness but there's an old pain in my chest that says I didn't deserve it, so why'd it happen?

Maybe I'll never know. I was hurt like that again in high school; people cut my legs and made it into a "good thing", a bonding type of environment. I just don't understand why they wanted to hurt me.

Anger is good!!!!! You should probably feel anger about all those things!

And even though they aren't giving you the therapy that will really heal you there, you seem to be doing a good job making the best use of your time there to work on healing yourself.

Will you have a good trauma therapist when you leave? 

Thank you. I'm hoping to get a good EMDR/trauma specialized therapist. I know I'm in an emotional flashback right now and actually managed to work through some of the anger to the extent of almost-crying, so that must be progress. Reading about emotional flashbacks always makes me think, "I'm so sorry" and made me realize how frozen I've been the entire time. A big hidden fawn response behind a fragile fight response- I don't like being angry, even if I let myself feel it sometimes. It's never confrontational anger, but a lot of internalized anger at how I was treated/how others are treated. A lot of "it's not fair" feelings and wanting to help other people as a response. Being the scapegoat shaped a lot of it. Some back pain today to go along with the emotional flashback so I know I'm reliving *TW* physical abuse from my half-brother. Part of me is angry at myself for not telling anyone but if I had, I don't think they would have done anything. Some day my back won't hurt as much and some day, I won't worry about bed-frames or if what I'm feeling is the "right thing" to feel.

Today's a dealing with anger about the unfairness of some things day, I think. Just very frustrated that I have to piece everything back together through structural dissociation and right now I'm frustrated, but I don't know exactly why. I think it's because it feels like I'm not being listened to while I'm in here- sort of like the therapist is projecting her wants and needs onto me. I know they want me to be more independent but right now I just want to go home and rest. I was doing well with not smoking, but some of the things here are making me want to pick it up again. The CBT isn't very effective because I feel like I'm numb right now. Working through the packets helps some.

Hoping to thaw out again soon to deal with things. Thank you for the kind words, Armadillo.

Whenever you feel awful, remember where the original thought came from. You're an incredibly compassionate person! If you were triggered, you were triggered. It's sort of like comparing traumas- whatever triggered you was significant enough to begin with, so it's best not to hide it. Great job on letting yourself feel things, Armadillo, and you're absolutely right about feeling both the negatives and positives. proud of you.

1. Appreciation
I helped someone with a packet of work at the EAC!
2. Emotion
Numbness

3. Accomplishment
I talked to a public defender and family.

I hope you do see the doctor soon. I'm sorry therapy is mostly CBT there. : /

Have you been doing any clay work?

I'm glad I'm not the only one that's off-put by it being primarily CBT. I mentioned I was interested in EMDR and trauma specialized therapists but there don't seem to be any available here. The clay should arrive sometime early in June, so I'm excited for that. I did make two containers and a cup! I painted them myself. Clay is probably my favorite medium; tie-dye is a close second. I think art is incredibly therapeutic.

Today was a scorcher but we got some beans planted and some lettuce! Here's to hoping for a salad not too long from now.

Slow progress today and a bit of a headache, but doing well otherwise. No flashbacks as of late but some definite anger/derealization and fatigue. They don't allow us to smoke in here so I'm feeling a bit agitated. Therapy is mostly CBT and I know I'm supposed to meet with my doctor, but I don't know when. Hoping it's sooner rather than later so I can clear up some things. Here's to hoping.

I can relate to this personally, my mother was the same- as was an abusive sibling. I'll never know if they actually experienced remorse for the things they did to me or if I'm going to be left with internalized shame for the things they did instead. There's a specific type of shame that comes with it, where it's like feeling extra vulnerable. "If they did it on purpose, then what am I actually worth?" and that kind of thing. It takes time to recognize your own worth and with that specific type of abuse it can take a bit longer. But you're worth much more than what they did to you.

Appreciation: I'm going to be able to return home hopefully soon, pleased with my calmness about it.
Emotion: Somewhat numb with bits of happiness here and there.
Accomplishment: I have an appointment today!

Good job! You're making amazing strides in your healing journey. Always happy to see you making big steps.

It was! It shaped how I viewed the world for a long time; I still experience some flashbacks from thunderstorms. I remember the first thing I asked when I saw the water around us was, "did someone pee the bed?" So I think my coping mechanism of using humor (even if it's not funny) is an old one. I remember being surrounded by water and making leaf-boats to keep entertained, and a helicopter that couldn't reach us. We got lucky and someone on a boat came by to get us to a nearby school (we went to the roof and a helicopter reached us there, the first one couldn't reach us through telephone wires.) We lost our dog during the hurricane; couldn't take him in the helicopter with us. That sticks with me and is part of where my survivor's guilt comes from.

I'm always happy to cheer you on here! I like making safe spaces; when I get out of acute care I'd like to make an online space for C-PTSD survivors to bond. I really like C-PTSD memes, too.

Appreciation: I am proud of my resilience.
Emotion: Feeling comfortable and slightly less hypervigilant than usual.
Accomplishment: I cried today. I'm thawing! Also, I watered plants.