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HI all,

I thought maybe people here might have some helpful advice.

I virtually NEVER dream (or rather, remember).  I'd say I've had three I remember in the last ten years.  I usually wake up feeling like I was just in a war zone, though, so I think I'm trying to deal with stuff in my dreams, but can't really do anything since I can't make a connection with my waking mind.

Anyhow, I had a dream last week that was painfully easy to interpret,  and it's actually staying with me as important.

I keep a pad and pen beside my bed, and usually talk to myself to be open to remembering my dreams, but it isn't working.  I've been doing it for a while, so maybe remembering that one dream was a sign of it working!  Anyhow, anything people here do to help them remember dreams?

Then there's EMDR.  I have been seeing my current therapist for several months, and still aren't doing EMDR, despite the fact I was recommended to her for that, and it's her speciality.  She's brought up that she thinks I could benefit from even pre-natal processing, and certainly pre-verbal.  Anybody have experience for that sort of thing?  It sounds kind of ridiculous to me.  I guess I just don't understand how it could be done.

Meursault

This stuff is so damned complex, I can hardly articulate all the different aspects of what I'm working through.  So I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed by it, too.

It's like I FINALLY found someone who cared enough (last therapist, and maybe the current one) and believes me how bad growing up was for me, and thinks I'm worth something, and doesn't think I deserved it, or laughs at me, or invalidates me, or dismisses me with simple fixes or platitudes.

Someone gets how much my Mom, sisters, and Dad hurt me growing up.  And now I feel sort of nihilistic or something.  "Now what?"  I've wasted my whole life trying to maintain the belief I didn't deserve that and was actually treated badly, expecting everyone to invalidate that.  My entire way of thinking is defence against that attitude.  I guess maybe it's a need to grieve for everything I could have been, everything I lost, and everything I never had.  It's not huge, but it's constant... this sense of the waste and futility and lost time.  What does anything even mean?  My fundamental assumption that I'm unlovable may be wrong, and I feel like King Lear coming back to his senses to discover how his kingdom fell to pieces during his phase of madness.

I've been having the Tennyson line: "...though much is lost, much abides..." go through my head quite a bit.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do next.  I still get triggered, I'm still fundamentally terrified, especially of women.  All the emotional responses are in place, but now I can accept that maybe, at my foundation, I have worth and am lovable.  Maybe it was just all the abusiveness and hatred of my Mom that makes me think I'm worthless and expect the same from everyone.

Basically, I think I lost a core belief, and feel kind of tetherless.  What will that all mean?  My Mom hated me not because I deserved it, but because she had her own issues.  My Dad took it out on me because he wasn't strong enough.  My sisters were abusive to me because they also believed my Mom that I was worthless. 

Mostly, Women since have not  wanted me.  Lots of one-night stands, but rarely any intimacy.  Could it also be because of what I was taught I was worth, and not them seeing through me with some magical, feminine insight to see I am just garbage and disgusting?

The emotions haven't been processed yet, but the world view I adopted to survive growing up looks like a lie to me now.  I'm feeling like a f* up, but also kind of scared about not knowing what to do next.  And then there's all the stuff about my Dad's death which I can't even look at yet.

I think it all started by learning my therapist loved the boy still in me, and I did too.  She showed me how I was allowed to feel about myself.  This stuff seems like I'm trying to herd a bunch of greased cats, though!  It's all so emotionally charged and fundamental in my psyche.  Ugh.

Anyhow, mostly just venting, I guess.  Feeling demoralized.

Meursault

Hi all,

I was just thinking about something, and it seems kind of "well, duh!" now that it's occurred to me.  I'm terrible with people's names.  Like, I'll be introduced and shake hands, and I literally have NO IDEA what their name is ten seconds later.  I've noticed I feel a surge of panic during the introduction, but just always thought I was kind of awful and selfish for my lack of consideration.  I just realized that I am having momentary dissociation going on.  And when I think about the sensations now, that level of dissociation, just sort of a numbing, disconnected from the physical world, and an empty, thought-free mind, is pretty standard for me in multiple mundane situations. 

A few months ago, I had mentioned that a lot of my female friends hug me as greetings/good-byes, and how I just "go away" when that happens.  She suggested being mindful, and asking them to give me a moment to collect myself to try and remain present before the hug.  So, now I sometimes ask for that.

I think I ought to start practising the same mindfulness during handshakes and introductions.  Just thought I'd mention this in case anyone else can identify.

Meursault