Messages

Thank you. It's another world, isn't it. People in trauma understand, though we'd really prefer not to. If we could only move past this into a new life, we could be of help to so many.

It's like a club where the language is known only to those who've gone through this battle.

I've often said I felt as though others had all been given a secret password or handshake, but not me. I get this. Glad you're here.

Thank you for your kind reply and empathy in this. It's like a club where the language is known only to those who've gone through this battle. The isolating has been installed as the background program, I just continued where my caretakers left off.  While not being raised completely feral or in total isolation because there was formal care, the gist is that I never did manage to attach or formulate that instinct to with humans. I did have a cat and a dog during those formative years but they were used as emotional collateral and served also as pinnacle traumatic experiences in their losses, at the hands of others.

So any kind of human relationship - is like a foreign theme. I don't get it. Don't understand the dynamics and guessing has proven exhausting. With animals it is very natural. I just get it. No trying to figure things out. With people it's always - let me figure them out, see the operation and interface in survival mode. Safety as we know is the key, for some reason the safe people who are also savvy in the realm of trauma have eluded so far. This only could be attributed to not crossing paths, timing. I still believe in possibility and finding the self in all of this.

Thank you both for your replies. I have been in this *trying to heal mode* for many many years and nothing has worked. I joined this site because I really want to get the wheels moving in the direction of finding the help I need.  I cannot heal in isolation, this is clear. I cannot heal in an unsafe environment, also clear. What I do need is a healer, master therapist who will work with me via Zoom or Skype and can commit to helping me in a wholistic, therapeutic way that covers mind/body and spirit. Someone who knows the C-PTSD territory and who uses many tools to help. Someone who is intuitive and understanding, who has done their own work. That is what I need. I also do not have much time to waste as I am dealing with a rather serious illness at the moment, and would like to have cleared out my trauma before it is too late.

I was raised in isolation.  I have no relationships to humans. I was never able to attach to them, only to animals and nature. I would like to change this but have no more energy to deal with the world. I have no way of deflecting what I perceive out there and with people. I do have to occasionally interface with people, but it is extremely hard to this, for so many reasons, being able to read people and then not having boundaries so I internalize and then feel hurt by everything unless I go in fortified by praying and meditation. I don't have a therapist - left that years ago. I have severe trauma since infanthood.

How can I change this way of being?