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Thank you Blueberry

Been listening to Daring Greatly, I'm partway through the second listen. It's funny because usually I don't do audiobooks. I need to read a book or even an ebook to follow the story. But it seems I can listen to this easier than reading it. I'm trying Walker next, at least I plan to

Right, so here's what I've got: I read the previous entries and can tell when I'm raw it's real

It's still hard to enter text in the page when it's all flashy smilies and a tiny box, so I'm just going with what I've done before when I didn't trust a website text box: type in a document and copy paste it in

Onward

The P on the apocalypse IPA reminds me of a turtle, but strangely not when I rotate it to put the turtle on his feet

It reminds me of wunjo for its shape and perthro for the sound it makes

Hi Armee and Blueberry, I'm not really sure what I'm feeling or what I'm even doing here. I keep opening and closing down the journal on my phone 

"Warning: this topic has not been posted in for at least 120 days.
Unless you're sure you want to reply, please consider starting a new topic."

Well, I met with a therapist.

Thank you Cactus Flower and Armee for your kindness and sympathy :-)


Didn't hate him, so he's a maybe. Deciding not to latch onto the first one I meet, I've done that before, out of desperation.

Intriguing suggestion from him: walking therapy sessions. I'm open to the idea, not straight away, but as the weather improves, it could have value. He mentioned bilateral... something, I forget what. And allowing for the flight response. Considering how I've paced or lept up with past therapists, walking could be good for me.

And also a regular therapist

Pushing through contacting psychiatrists, just email and webforms. Cold calling is still too much to ask

I have copied by hand the entirety of the needs and feelings inventories from cnvc.org

It was difficult to begin, and difficult to continue

I copied it into a notebook, writing back to front, first the needs, then the feelings when needs are met, then the feelings when needs are not met

The result is that my first page begins with

Feeling (this is the header)

Vulnerable
Fragile
Guarded
Helpless
Insecure

and so on
An unexpectedly appropriate place for my first page to begin

Copying, I knew there was a section of needs that I was likely to omit entirely, needs I have inhibition against. Checking my work, I was unsurprised to discover I had not seen the entire section. So I then copied it. As I was writing back-to-front, this most difficult section of needs is now listed first.

I noticed that many if not most of the needs were difficult to write, and the feelings when needs were met were also difficult
But that the feelings when needs were not met were much easier, either comfortable familiar as it were, or arousing a subdued echo of them in me

I think it would be helpful to study these lists, perhaps commit them memory, and possibly copy them again. Maybe onto index cards, to have them on hand as focusing/reminding tools when talking to myself and others

I've to do two related commitments: renounce all violence, and expand my definition of violence.

Neglect is violence, lack of empathy is violence

Interrupting, not listening is violence

Any tiny amount of violence is is on the spectrum of violence, and subtle violence is damaging as overt violence, even increasing the possibility of it, one violence layering onto another

Renunciation of subtle violence, against myself and others, is the only assurance of preventing overt violence

It occurs to me, with a kind of sudden start, that I've not been thinking about being "this guy" my true self, for some hours. Perhaps I've been false all day. But then, at work it's easy to be the work self. The test is when I go home. Can I be myself, my true self, or will I be a fear-driven mimic of someone else?

Will I choose vulnerability? Will I recognize the fear for what it is?
Will I remember that no pain can extinguish myself?

I cannot draw a sphere. I can draw a circle, I can add shading.
But I have not drawn a sphere. I have drawn an illusion of a sphere.

I can present it to another, and they say, "oh you've drawn s sphere"

Then I am deceived, if I so choose. We agree, "here is a drawing of a sphere."

But it is not a sphere. It is a circle, with shading.

On second thought, no it's a perceived fracturing of the self.
What's a person? A persona. The self inhabiting a persona, and only knowing what it is in relation to others; knowing it only exists in relation to others

You can't see your own face

It's not a fracturing of the person, rather a creation of a new person, in reaction to others, and it remains after those others are gone

Misidentified as the self

There's two of me: there's "this guy" and then there's "that guy"

Every moment that I'm not actively deciding to be "this guy" every moment, every single moment... I'm "that guy"

doesn't that just sum things up perfectly.... I guess I am not alone in that.. and either are you
Thanks for sharing

Hi Phil. it seems to be a basic reaction to violence: A fracturing of the person

Violence is a maladaptive reaction to the fear of pain

I cannot oppose violence, because opposition is violence

Why do I fear pain? What do I fear? It is a mortal terror, I fear the extinguishing of myself.

Why do I fear the extinguishing of myself? I have faith that pain can extinguish myself.

Why do I have faith that pain can extinguish myself?
Has it ever?
I've experienced much pain, and then grief, sorrow, anger and fear.
But never yet has pain extinguished myself.

Smaller than a mustard seed

The crystal shard fit in the palm