Topics

I start work again this week after summer break and have a lot of worries and thoughts.  This is always the case but this time around it feels different.

Dear Me,

You begin another school year this week.  The start of the year always seems to catch you off guard because your nature and CPTSD go into hyperdrive and you temporarily get lost.  You expect so much of yourself as you had all summer to think over how things went the last year and how you would like to do better the next year.  This gets tricky as your IC slips in and you start setting such high expectations that you fall from a height.  You recently read a work by Pema Chodron and a good thought she shared is how we often expect mindfulness to make us "better" when really mindfulness is intended to help us make friends with all of parts of ourself and to approach each part with openness, curiosity, and the knowledge that things come and go.  I hope that you will continue growing in accepting all of you and aiming to "ride the waves" instead of "doing better" (which often comes to mean being perfect).

You had a rough week last week on a trip.  You did not take good care of yourself.  You learned that it is important to give yourself space and time each day even if it feels difficult because your routines are different.  You were reminded how important it is to be honest with others even it feels difficult because a lot of the reason last week was hard was because you tried to make others happy while ignoring yourself.  This used to be your usual way and now you have healed and grown in ways that make this so much less appealing.  You also haven't accounted for how additionally stressful things are given the pandemic and current state of your country.  I hope you will be gentle with yourself for having a bad week and take the lessons with ease.

This school year is going to be hard for many reasons.  You are afraid you won't be able to handle it.  You are still in a place where you want to be "perfect" and are putting a lot of pressure on yourself.  You have the opportunity to figure out more ways to take care of yourself.  You have learned a lot that will help you in your job.  I hope you will be gentle with yourself as you get started this week.

Last words that are coming to heart right now:

Have courage in your voice and share your gifts with others. 

Be open and welcome the chance to embrace all parts of yourself.

Be honest with others.

Be gentle and easy with yourself.

I decided to ask myself why I get so keyed up by my in-laws.  Yes they do things I don't care for but my true anger lies with my husband.  I wanted to write a letter a him.

Dear Husband,

The anniversary of the day we met is approaching and our relationship is often on my mind.  I honestly don't think I would be where I am if it had not been for us meeting.  Yet it is hard to understand why we have had to go through so much pain to get here.

I have a long list of things that bug me about your family.  But if I'm honest it has never been their BS that gets to me the most - it is how you respond.  For many years even after we were married you continued to prioritize your family (especially your mom and sister) over me.  I let it happen because I don't think I really understood the depth of the situation but also I had been raised feeling so lousy about myself this didn't really seem any different.

Yet, we hit several low points (usually around November or December) in our relationship where everything we were avoiding burst forth.  I think that this is why I dread the time from around September to December - it signifies the slow build up to hitting what feels like rock bottom but ends up being just the start of what will eventually prove to be the rock bottom. 

This past November your brother died and it was a horrible thing to go through with you.  What was hardest for me to watch was how your family dynamic made this terrible thing even worse.  It led to us having a very difficult patch in our marriage that made me wonder if we were done.  The best thing that came out of that time was me finally seeing the truth of my own situation.

I have not been ok for a very long time and you and I got stuck in that.  I think a part of me was always waiting for someone to rescue to me and for a long time I thought you were the one that would do so.  What I didn't see was that I was adding to your burden - you'd been raised to parent your parents as well as your siblings and then you were made to feel like you had to manage the feelings and experiences of your wife. 

What I have learned is that I need to take care of myself.  I needed to acknowledge that I was abused and developed unhealthy ways of seeing myself and dealing with the world as a result.  Early on in my healing journey I realized all the weight I had put on you and that felt terrible.  I have spent most of this year working on me.  I noticed that as soon as I began to take ownership of myself, you seemed to feel better. 

I think we still we have work to do.  I hope to accept that you aren't the superhuman savior I thought you would be when we met.  I hope I can stop being so angry that you talk to your sister multiple times a day.  I hope to accept that you are doing the best you know how.  I hope to keep seeing you take steps to take care of yourself. 

Everything feels different now and I feel like we are getting to know our new selves and each other.  Love feels so strange now and I don't really know what it is.  I think right now it is taking care of myself and you giving me the space to do so as you have. 

In the past few months I realized that for so long I focused on my in-laws for years.  It shielded me from facing the truth in my family.  I haven't felt compelled to write my own family letters as I did that earlier in my recovery journey.  But my challenges with my in-laws keep coming up. 

Dear MIL,

I wish we could just both admit out loud how much we don't like each other.  I tried really hard to be kind and here is what I got In the early years of my relationship to your son -

*being ignored all day when I joined you for Thanksgiving (where you all insisted on cramming 5 adults into his one bedroom apartment instead of getting a hotel)

*having you make a point of saying in front of me "I got him to move back home" after we moved to your hometown from where we'd been living (wow I wish I had run away when I heard that crap)

*watching you tap bumpers while you were parking a car and act like hitting another vehicle with yours was no biggie then going into a restaurant where you paid for your son's food but not mine

*telling me I ruined your Christmas after your son and I left to get some food after you lied about the time we would be eating to get us to come to your house

*having you drop everything (including speaking to your other children) the moment your son walked in a room

*putting poison into your son about me and then having to listen to your twisted views about family and what I "owe" you all come out through his mouth

I am going to stop there.  After a while I started refusing to put up with this.  It caused a lot of problems and continues to do so.  You have become more covert in your campaign against me once you realized I couldn't be groomed into doing your bidding.  This scares me every day because while I can understand in my mind why you act the way you do, the emotional toll it takes on me is a lot.

I have a memory that I sometimes think about.  We were all doing a group bicycle ride.  Your son was a little ahead of me, riding  on his own.  I'm not sure where you came from, but you saw him and started riding as fast as you could to catch up to him.  It was one of the most pathetic things I have ever seen. 

I am not sure how to stop letting you disturb my peace.  I have learned a lot about families and am aware of labels that probably fit you.  And yet, I hear your voice, I see the way you treat my husband and his siblings, I think about the past hurts you have caused and I lose it.  I want to have empathy for you but it feels wasted on someone who is actively trying to come between me and my husband.

I hope to find a way through this.  I don't want to give you so power anymore. 

I don't recall what brought this time to my mind but I wanted to write to my 1st grade self.

Dear 1st Grade Me,

I thought of you recently.  You worked so hard to learn to read and be a member of your class.  Your teacher showed you care and even used your name as a spelling word. 

I remember you becoming very upset though when your teacher sat a "bad" kid next to you.  I'm sure your teacher thought you would be a good influence on the student.  However you became extremely distressed.  Your mom went and talked to the teacher and I guess your seat was changed. 

With adult eyes, I now wonder what the adults thought about your reaction.  Children that age are more concrete about right and wrong so maybe they saw you as acting in an age appropriate way.  I wonder what words they used to talk about you.  I hope they were kind words but sometimes adults use words forgetting how they feel to a child hearing them.

It does not seem that they saw this as a trauma response.  They saw an obedient, hard working, intelligent student.  They didn't see the child so afraid of getting in trouble she didn't want a troublemaker near her - she didn't want the consequences to fall on her too.  She already had enough of that at home. 

Little one, you are brave and strong. I'm sorry that no one understood or even recognized your pain for what it was.  I hear you and I will keep you safe now. 

A person I knew in college has come to mind today.  I was unkind to him and would like to write him a letter. 

Dear L,

I am writing because I am on a healing journey and I thought of you.  I have thought of you from time to time since college and always had strong reactions when I do. 

I don't remember exactly how we met but it was early in our first semester of college.  You were one of the first people I met.  I really liked you.  We went out a few times and I had such a wonderful, safe time.  I have learned how much I was raised to fear my body and what guys would want with my body (this in truth left me very vulnerable and would lead to some really bad choices).  You did not make me feel that way - you made me feel safe and seen. 

We hit some snags though.  We had a significant religious difference and you were discussing leaving the religion of your upbringing.   As this was unfolding, you also came to me in a moment of dire need.  That moment reflected trauma you and your family were experiencing and I became so afraid. 

I didn't know what trauma was then or that I had experienced it.  I see now that you triggered my trauma and I felt the need to escape.  I was looking for my place and I found it soon after.  The change led me to change my behavior to you.  I stopped talking to you.  Once we ran into each other at an event and I was with my new group.  You were calling my name and I ignored you.  I am ashamed of doing such a thoughtless, hurtful thing after all of the care you showed me. 

I am sorry for any pain that I caused you.  I am sorry that I wasn't able to talk to you more to see if we could have figured something out.  I saw you later toward the end of college and you had moved on.  Our eyes met at that time and I think we both felt sadness in that moment.  I was more wounded by that time and filled with regret over how I acted towards you. 

I wonder if you could have been someone that could have helped me address my trauma sooner.  I don't know and it isn't helpful to live in the past wondering what if.  I just hope you know I am sorry and that I wish you ease in life. 

Thank you for the care and humor you shared with me.  Thank you for choosing me for a brief moment in time.  Thank you for being my teacher.  I am glad you were in my life. 

Today I was making a friendship bracelet and for some reason it brought to mind something my father said to me once.  It inspired to write to myself as a baby.

Dear 1 Year Old Me,

I can't remember anything about your life but I know that my current brain and body hold memories.  I only know what I have been told as well as some photos from this time.

In the photos I know, the only one in which you are smiling is when you are in the water.  Your dad took you swimming when you were a baby.  Being in and around water continues to be your place. 

Otherwise in most photos you have this look.  I don't know how to describe it.  It often says to me now "can't you do better for me?"

I think I was in college when your dad made the comment how your mom was pregnant with you before they got married.  He was quick to assure that they were still going to get married either way.  He spoke about it with a lot of shame.  For some reason it came up when he was joining the military.  Today I made the connection that your conception, gestation, and birth seem to be shameful to your parents on some level.  No wonder I carry such a heavy burden.

It is interesting I have never heard my mom's side of that story.  She still had a semester of college left when I was inside her growing.  I remember taking a final (at the same university where my parents attended and thus in the place I was born) around my birthday and realizing my mom must have had finals around then too while I was still inside her.  She carried stress and worry and I always wonder how that was passed down to me.  As I grew I could see how she wanted more out of life than what she ended up with.  That isn't your fault but you were the first born and the first to face whatever your parents were going through.

I look at pictures of you and I love you.  I am glad you were born - you bring a light to the world even if your parents made you feel badly about yourself.  I wish they had their stuff together before you were born - I know your life was chaotic then and it impacted you before you were even aware.  I am here now and I will protect you.  You are safe.

I came across the term interoception in my work.  It is considered a sense and is the sense of our internal state(s).  Having interoceptive awareness means we understand our body is sending a signal, interpret that signal as an emotion, and then take action to do/get what we need to feel regulated.  Emotions are broken down into two big types - affective and homeostatic.  Homeostatic are things like hunger, thirst, bladder functions. Affective are things like anger, happiness, sadness.  Many people have poor interoception given a variety of things (including CPTSD) but it is just hard for some people in general. 

I realized that I had stumbled across this sense through my yoga practice.  Last year when I actually started listening to my body I really struggled.  I realize that I have poor interoceptive awareness.  I recently purchased a curriculum I hope to use with the students I work with because I believe some of them have poor interoception.  In some ways my work with students has been work for myself and I am interested to see what I learn through this.  The curriculum essentially works by body parts and has people try different things (like putting hands in cold and warm water) and then describing sensations. 

I have personally found this information really helpful for myself.  It connected to what I learned when reading The Body Keeps the Score and Pete Walker's book.  I wanted to share in case it resonates with anyone else.  Two websites I have learned to learn are: https://www.kelly-mahler.com/ and  http://web.seru.sa.edu.au/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/Interoception-101_March-2019.pdf.  These sites tend to discuss this in terms of autism more than other things but I think this still relates to a broader audience. 

I am trying to sort out what is going on. 

Dear BIL -

I must admit I didn't know you very well.  The first time I met you I didn't like you very much.  You were really mean to your girlfriend and I didn't like that.  I also didn't like what you said about my cat - you said she was afraid and would always be afraid. 
Now I know that you were not well the entire time I knew you. 

Other than the first year of my relationship with your brother, we lived in different places.  I think that is why we didn't get to know each other.  Whenever you were home it was because you were struggling mentally and in those times it was very difficult to form any connection with you. 

The memory of you that stands out most to me is when you made this video for a team your brother coached.  The video you made was beautiful and you included a scene from a movie that accurately captured the sentiment.  It was moving and beautiful. 

Yet I didn't understand why you made that video.  You did it because your mom said you should.  I think she was trying to give you something to do but her attempts to always control and manage your life didn't help. Your mom tried to cobble and sew and glue and hold you together.   What was she doing?

I wasn't afraid of seeing you in the hospital, just very sad.  I had to witness the crumbling of your family.  How hard everyone worked to keep your mom happy.  At one point your dad and brother were crying - your mom walked in the room and they instantly stopped to put on a brave face for her. It was disgusting to me.  I know she doesn't like me, but she couldn't even show me any warmth when I flew halfway across the country with your brother because he wanted to see you.
I wanted to have understanding for your family going through a difficult time but that time just made me realize I had to get away from them.     

I am deeply bothered by your death and the experience of being around your family at that time.  I don't know how to feel better or what it is I am trying to process.  Your death sparked my awareness of abuse in my life.  I had focused so much energy on disliking your family because I wasn't ready to handle the truth in mine.

I am sorry you grew up in a home with "parents" that wanted to be your friend instead of your parent.  They always put their own needs first and used fear, obligation, and guilt to get by.  I am more angry at them than at you.  I don't understand what I feel toward you.

I hope you are resting well.

I would like to write some letters to several coworkers as well collectively to the organization I work for so I think this will be several posts. 

Dear Co-Worker C -

I want to start off by saying the things I feel like I shouldn't because of "professionalism" and whatever other cultural pressures there are to "be nice" at all costs:  I do not like you and you have deeply hurt me with your thoughtless and disrespectful behavior.

I had misgivings about working with you.  You left our current work place and I heard about you through your old colleagues.  They love you, they think you are awesome.  The person that was hired in your place was difficult to work with and everyone dreamed of the days when you were there.  You decided to come back when this new hire didn't work out.  As a person with a complicated history, this sent up red flags to me.  You left for a reason.  Yes people can change their minds but I recognized in what I knew about you a person that was running away and avoiding.

I decided to try to make the best of it.  I asked to meet with you individually so that we could get on the same page about our work.  You accepted my meeting request but then basically refused to meet with me alone.  You insisted I come join you and another coworker (that is a story for another letter) that I had no interest in being in the same room as.  Another flag. 

As we began to work together more, I made assumptions about your level of support based on things you said to me.  It seemed like we were working well together.  Fast forward many months to the day we all found out that it would be our last day before remote work.  You approached me in anger and "scolded" me.  That moment was like a kaleidoscope shifted into place and I saw all these one off encounters I'd had with you clearly for the first time.  I spent the rest of the day in an EF (which I didn't know at the time).  All the flags I had ignored sprang up and I was overwhelmed.

I saw how many times you had insulted me to my face.  I saw how you didn't respect me enough to speak to me like an adult.  I saw how you were trying to communicate with me but it was so passive I wasn't getting it.  Yet instead of taking ownership of your own behavior, you vilified me. 

I know how you talk about others behind their back and I realized all the things you must say about me when I am not there.  I tried to get help from a boss but they tried talking me out of my feelings and defended you. 

We have been on a long break.  I have been hurting from our encounters during that break.  Yet I have come to a decision.  When we return, I am done letting you ruin my peace.  I am done holding my tongue for the sake of peace.  You are not a nice person and I am sure there are reasons for it.  But I don't have to take your stuff and break my back carrying it.  I wish that we could work together more because it would be beneficial for our students.  But I have decided that you will need to do some work for that to happen.  In the meantime, I will do what I can and remove myself from the situation.  I will do the minimum amount of "collaboration" required.  I will speak my mind to you and since you insist on someone else always being around this will be in front of other people. 

I deserve respect.  I deserve to be listened to. 

Hello Community,

My husband and I are planning to camp this weekend.  We have a cat and she will be staying at home.  I have such a difficult time leaving her. 

I have a pet sitter that comes to check on her.   Knowing her habits, I know she sleeps most of the time.  Yet, I still experience tremendous guilt and worry about her.   I adopted her from a shelter - she is a quiet cat and not overly friendly so no one else really wanted her.  The shelter received her as a stray so I'm sure she has been through a lot in her world.  I get this strong feeling of wanting to prevent her from feeling abandoned. 

I am beginning to wonder if I experience some sort of EF whenever we leave.  I am putting my own experience of feeling unwanted and left behind onto her. 

I think I just needed to get this thought out.  I think I am especially feeling it right now because I have been at home with her for over 3 months due to the pandemic and worry she will feel really lonely without us here. 

This morning as I prepared for a run, I heard my husband speaking with his family on the phone.  Family discussing how my BIL is planning to move to the city where my H and I live.  I cannot express how much my ILs hurt and trigger me with their thoughtless behavior.  They are not well people and it has taken me a long time to establish boundaries with them (which they try to violate over and over).

I experienced an EF as H spoke with them.  I began crying and slammed the door on my way out of the house.  My real fear stems from a lack of trust in him.  While I accept that I cannot control what his family does, he has a history of making choices to appease them.  I have not been effective in communicating my needs with him as it relates to his family.  It drives a huge wedge between us.

I see how it is improving.  He is working to set boundaries with them.  But they sense this and amp up their game.  My deep fear of abandonment starts taking over.  As I write this, I realize I am still in the grip of my 4F response. 

I don't really know what I need right now. I wanted to get some thoughts out of my head.  I hope he and I can talk later about what happened without me speaking from my place of fear.

Hello community,

I am currently on a break from work (I work in public schools and have a summer break).  I feel some stress as I don't know what work will look like when we return and my job is already tricky to navigate at the best of times. 

I am struggling with one coworker in particular.  She and I had a disagreement the last day we were in the building together.  What that disagreement helped me see was the context of a lot of random comments she had made to me.  It helped me see how passive aggressive she had been towards me and that I wasn't picking up on what she was poorly trying to communicate.  My struggle is more about my inner critic critiquing me for not getting her passive comments. 

I am worried that I won't be able to stand up to her when we return to work.  She treats me like someone she is in charge of when really the way I work with her students is up to me.  In trying to stand up to her I become really wordy and passive aggressive in return. 

I am trying to think my way through this and think I've been ignoring some feelings that I pushed aside so that we could work together during a difficult time.  I had opportunities to stand up to her that I didn't take. 

I'm wondering what others have useful in navigating difficult coworker situations. 

Hello community,

For a number of years I've experienced discomfort in one of my shoulders.  I recently discovered the term "body armoring" and think it describes this experience.  I am not sure if there is one or ongoing instances where I held tension in this area yet it is the one area that my picks up on and notices (even if other areas of my body are tense).

Yoga, mindfulness, and massage often help.  Yet there are times where they don't and I start to obsess over what might be going on.  Earlier this year I did some inner child work and noted that as I worked through this, the location of the tension shifted in my shoulder.  I am wondering right now if the tension is resurfacing because I have restarted exploring my past.   

I'm wondering if others have found things that help them navigate releasing persistent body tension. 

Today I started Complex PTSD: Surviving and Thriving in audio form.  I listened to the introduction and first chapter.  The experience was one of relief mixed with grief. 

I've been putting a lot of labels on my experiences that seemed to be symptoms of Complex PTSD.  I feel overwhelmed because  it feels like I take one step forward and ten steps back.  Healing doesn't seem to follow any rules or sequences.  It seems that I need to take those single steps so that I can be ready to take the next ones.

I was hesitant to listen to this book as an audio book.  I love reading and wanted a paper copy.  But I am going to persist with the audio version as I think I was engaged differently.  It helped me stop looking at my phone and being distracted.  I think when I read I try to incorporate every sentence I read into my experience immediately. 

I am glad to be learning about CPTSD and look forward to the journey.

Hello community,

I am grateful to have found this forum and to be learning more about CPTSD.  Each day I uncover more vocabulary that better defines my experiences.  Right now I am overwhelmed by it, but my journey over the past year or so has taught me I am on the right path.

In April 2019 I took a mindfulness class through my work.  I'd struggled for a long time and could not figure out why.  During this class, we went around responding to the prompt "share about a childhood memory."  Everyone in the group (save one other person) shared beautiful, happy memories.  I was last in the circle and began to realize I did not have happy memories to share.  When my turn came, I began to speak and instantly burst into huge tears. 

Shortly after this, I completed a yoga teacher training which honestly gave a great number of tools and has helped me get through my BIL dying by suicide, persistent difficulty with my PD in-laws, finally naming my childhood experiences as trauma, abuse, and neglect, a difficult patch in my marriage as I come out of the FOG (while my H stays in it), and ongoing challenges with COVID 19 and social justice. 

I've been participating in forums at the Out of the FOG site yet realized that wasn't about me but my codependency and trying to control my H's behavior and relationship to his family.  I'd been feeling stuck in my journey when I came across this site.  It better suits me and will give me the space to learn about and hopefully express myself along my journey.