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yay for what you achieved there, it's sometimes sheer determination to help something small and vulnerable makes us put in the extra strength to get past the brain meltdowns.  i liked reading this post, it made me feel glad. thank you!! 

  thank u's

 

interesting thread. me, i have trouble identifying any personality that defines the true me. i have been many people in my life, all of whom were constructs i put in place in order to cope/fit in with/alleviate/survive the life-situations i was faced with. i was like this from a very small child. 

so the truth is i don't know who i am, what my personality is, really. the one illuminating realisation i had a few months ago about who i may be inside, was the realisation that i am an introvert, not an extrovert.  i have been living as an extrovert since the moment, when i was 13, when i decided that being shy and introverted was too painful.  that was the only time i consciously 'altered' my personality. the other constructs were unconscious and survival motivated. 
so i guess i can't say i have changed and miss the 'old me', as it were.  i have changed, and now i am having to work out what i would have been from the very few clues that remain after six decades of constructs.

i am re-realising how much of my days are spent in emotional flashback. another area of ground i have lost in the last six months or so.  yestday a.m. i woke from a really nasty nightmare, all about the cult and my ex all ganging up on me to be cruel and bullying and me not being able to do anything to defend myself or run away. all fear and powerlessness and victimhood and the inability to escape sort of stuff that is so common in my dreams. so woke in an EF to start with and then my son told me my Nbro had written to him (my son told him to only communicate info about my dad through him after the last time he abused me) and that was enough to finish me off for the day. i just couldn't seem to shake the effects of the two big triggers coming together in such a short time. major major flashback all day.

weird thing is the amount of guilt i feel for getting into flashbacks.  i feel i should be able to avoid them or stop them, and that they are my fault somehow.  a sign of my self obsession or unwillingness to work or get myself better etc..

anyway. yestday i ended up having to retreat to bed in the afternoon as it was so bad i ground to a complete halt.  and i realised, as i struggled to try and apply the management steps to try and lessen the effects of the flashback, that it was not my fault i get these and it was the inner critic piling on the guilt.  i kind of almost believed that, which is progress, i think. i wasn't terribly successful with the steps, i was in too much pain. but i fell asleep for a couple hours, which broke the cycle anyway so the evening was better. and playing with the ratties helped. they always do, even when i think i don't feel like letting them out for t heir free-range time each evening. they are always so busy and interested and affectionate and funny i can't help but feel lifted by them.

today is better in that i didn't have nightmares last nite (just a really weird dream, which is much easier to discount) and the EF level is much lower. i have a feeling that the after-effects of yesterday are with me still tho as i thought when i got up that it was sunday today, and forgot i was sposed to pick up my son from his girlfriend's house this a.m.  and went to his house by mistake. so ended up driving right round Oxford to correct the mistake! also was very late as Monday traffic is much heavier than weekends of course... senior moment going on there!
today my task is to be the washing up.  and possibly getting  the courage to go out and post my dad's father's day gift.

sounds stupid that i am functioning at such a low level again, but it's just the way it is.  at least i am trying. 

i think it was Pete Walker who said that for people like us, what is called agoraphobia is often 'people-phobia', and i so know what he means.  i definitely relate to the feelings of vulnerability and exposure and avoid going out as much as possible. to take a walk is a major victory. to go to the shops is most often a difficult necessity.  i like walking (on my own) and wish i was strong enough to face the issue and do it more.  we're not alone in this it seems; baby steps i guess.

  i am exactly the same !!!!  and i feel the same afterwards too!  at least now i know i'm not the only one 

thanks guys, this thread really resonates with me, and i think the idea of writing down the unwritten rules could be a helpful exercise for me, both for my FOO and for the cult i spent so many years in. trouble is i am terrified of doing it! even thinking about it is horribly triggering, not for the FOO so much as for the cult years.  that had the deepest and most damaging impact on me i think. maybe i might start by writing down just one and then get over that one until over time i compile a list?

i was watching a very interesting Youtube vid about Robert Lifton's eight principles of Thought Reform which come out of his seminal work on brainwashing done when he studied Korean POWs in the second half of the 20th C. One of the principles is about  unwritten rules and the way they work in a group, whether a family, a one on one or a larger group.  they formed a huge part of my cult experience and deeply affect me still.  powerful and frightening stuff. i hate that i was so gullible and easily subverted even though i know intellectually that i was not to blame for being taken in. horrible.

omg, yes, LanaB!!!

and nowadays i hate myself when i do that. i used to think it was the right way to respond. i didn't know that boundaries were even ok, let alone vital. i thought they were sinful. so i have been well trained to have none at all.

now my boundary is basically the size and shape of my skin... no where for anyone to get in to the real me (whoever she is), unless it's a bit online, where i can remain anonymous, or  with the one relatively safe friend i have left from my past, or in the one safe space that i feel i have, the GP's surgery room.   i would rather be alone than risk getting conned and betrayed again.

so, I seem to feel that people are dangerous and I should avoid them, but when someone shows me a tiny bit of kindness, I forfeit all my boundaries. Does anyone relate? yup yup yup.

the reluctance, D/U i am wondering about.  i don't find it easy to relate to that becos of never having done it reluctantly. maybe it is a kind of flight/fight shield that you have adopted to prevent anyone having the chance to hurt you again? kind of like how i self isolate and avoid humans in general? interesting.

just wanted to send you a hug and say you don't sound like a narcissist to me.  narcs don't think they are narcs, they don't even worry about it. they're too focussed on being the centre of every universe.

and you did really good at work. and ok, it was hard and you stammered. so who wouldn't, when they are doing something they are scared of and doing it anyway? you were amazing. and it paid off.

big respect to you for all of that. fear is the mind killer but you fought through it  and you show true courage. i'm sure that  your mind will catch up later, when the emotional flashbacks this has triggered have eased a bit. 

my feeling is that what you considered mild abuse might in fact have been severe, but becos of your background it seemed mild to you in comparison. it was serious enough that charges were brought, which means, well, serious, imo.  sounds to me like a bunch of bullies basically preying on people who were vulnerable and wanted to find friends.

so in fact you can be pretty sure that your reactions were completely rational and the sign of a healthy self protection kicking in. it is just really hard that at the same time it seems to have triggered you into an emotional flashback state, but again, completely reasonable that it has. and in my experience it takes a bit of time to wind down when i am in an EF state, and a lot of self care.

if it were me, and obviously you have to decide for yourself, but i would definitely leave that group. you might not be able to protect the other girl they have treated badly, but you can certainly protect yourself from any more damage. 

is there any kind of counselling service at your college? often you can get free help while you're a student, or at least discounts. might help to check that out. and do you have a personal tutor who you could go to about the academic side of things. the college where my daughter went were really good when she was struggling with issues that affected her work.  maybe they can help you regain a bit of the confidence that has taken such a blow lately?

just a few thoughts anyway. hope it helps a bit. even just to let you know someone is thinking of you and supporting you. 

i am definitely a freeze-fawn, with a side of flight and a garnish of fight!

one thing i think i have realised,LanaB, is - the can of worms thing? well i know that fear, am facing it right now in fact. but i reckon that to take the lid right off would be too traumatic  so maybe, drill a couple of holes in the side and let a bit seep out at a time? that way i can still manage to function a little bit at the same time.  to that end i am currently (slowly) re-reading Pete Walker, a tiny bit at a time, and stopping when i get too triggered. no idea where it will lead me but at least i am making some kind of effort to help myself.

i also like the idea of a co-counselling relationship. i think it would be lovely to have such an agreement with someone, with sensible boundaries of course.
sending you a hug 

strength to you indeed. congrats for seeing it and not getting sucked in. it's hard to really take on board that he will never change, but it's probably the case. took me years to see that in my ex, and in others.

you are the one who is able to change and is doing so. 

yup, i feel what you say, chairmanmeow. i am deliberately living in virtual isolation and it is less painful than trying to tackle the effort of pretending to be normal for the sake of those who aren't able to cope with my pain.

i have a mug on which is written ' pretending to be normal day after day is exhausting!' - it's kind of funny if it weren't so true.

at least here you can say it like it is, hon. amongst people who understand 

just adding a wee welcome too, and yep, certainly relate to the alone thing and also the repeating patterns of behaviour... hope you feel supported here