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When my life calmed down and the abuse subsided, the memories of my past started rising to the surface. I think I just wasn't able to look at it all until then.

This is exactly what happened with me as well.

Hi, Just Hatched, and welcome! 

There are so many things in your post that I can relate to. None of it was your fault, and you shouldn't have had to go through it. I know that it can feel quite isolating, but please know that you're not alone, and there are lots of lovely, kind people here who will give you support and validation. Remember that what you are going through is a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances, and take things at a pace that feels comfortable.

Sending you a  if that feels OK.

This conversation reminds me of the book Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness by David A Treleaven. I haven't read the entire book yet, just the Kindle free sample, but it looks really good. It recognises that practices such as mindfulness can be triggering for trauma survivors, and offers modifications to minimise the potential dangers.

Tee, I don't know what to say, but I'm sitting with you, and sending you a heartfelt  if that feels OK.

Have a fab time, Blueberry. 

Thank you. I honestly appreciate the support.

I wasn't planning on adding anything this morning, but there are things I need to get out of my system in order to best proceed through the day.

=== Possible TW ===



I had a nightmare last night. I was in my parents house, and HB was looming over me and shouting at me, telling me all the ways in which I was rubbish, a failure, and everything was my fault. This kind of thing happened in real life. When I woke up and calmed down a bit, I visualised myself back in the nightmare, but this time I said "that's not true". White light went out from me, forcing him back, and there was also a wolf defending me. Feeling better now.

I've also had some intruding thoughts this morning, but they're currently fading away. I'll come back to them if I need to.

Hi prose, and welcome! 

Me too, though I think it took me a long time to figure out that that's what it was that I was feeling!

I think I'm on the cusp of figuring that out, but I'm not entirely there yet. I kind of know it's there, but I can't quite look at it yet, if that makes sense.

Your bear gives great hugs! 

You're so brave taking care of the other kids like that. I want you know that it's OK if you want to play, and it's OK if you don't. This is a safe place for you to be you, and we like you being here.

I love those flowers! Next time I see some I will pick some and think of you.

Thank you for all the support. I can't tell you how much it helps, knowing that you get it and validating my experiences. 

I'm probably going to go quiet for a few days. I dissociated quite a bit yesterday, and I have a busy day tomorrow which I need to be present for.

Hello E!  You're safe here, and you can post whenever you like. Give your bear a hug from me.

 

I think another factor is that I internalised the hatred HB's M had for me when I was too young to understand relationships and family dynamics. I remember asking what I could do to make her like me, and there was nothing. I internalised a belief that I was hateable, and there was nothing I could do about it. As an adult, I know that the hatred wasn't personal, it was about what I represented, but I didn't understand that when I was very, very young.

Thank you for the replies. 

I think it was a strain, but I didn't feel it as I'd already gone numb. I can remember coming out of school when I was aged about 5, and looking at all the parents waiting to collect their children to see if any of them were about to attack me. It's what I did every day, and I thought it was normal.

In a sense, HB's M was like a trauma generator. She was extremely violent towards F, abusive towards HB, and attacked my M. I think I grew up caretaking M and F's traumas, as well as being HB's scapegoat.

Hello Human, and welcome!