Messages

Hope, Papa Coco and Armee: your thoughtful replies yesterday really helped me. Thank you so much.

Hope, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your compassion. Your words and the hug helped me and my parts feel heard, wanted and cared for. I missed you too.

Papa Coco, thank you for spelling out so clearly why her behaviour came across as narcissistic. I found that helpful because it helped to clarify why the hurtful things were so hurtful. I think part of it was a sense of shock and betrayal as well because H and I had helped her a lot in the past. Thank you.

Armee, thank you for the validation and your thoughts on what happened. I think you're right when you say anyone I'd want to be friends with would likely see past her and know which one is not like the others. My parts appreciated the hug and being told they did a good job. It helped them unblend.

=====

Yesterday was quite hard, so I decided to take the afternoon off and rest under a weighted blanket. I had company in the form of a lovely fluffy cat. She's not my cat -- she lives a few houses away -- but she comes round to see me every day and I adore her.

I've been ok today.

This afternoon I decided to journey to check up on the parts I've been working with recently. I decided to include the polarised pair I've spoken about the past couple of days.

I first met a part who's been making me dissociate. She said she's been doing it to stop me being overwhelmed. I told her I understood and thanked her, which she appreciated. I offered an alternative solution, which was for me to help heal the parts so she wouldn't need me to dissociate. Also I can listen to parts without them overwhelming me. She thought this sounded good, and agreed to ease off

The protector for the part who spontaneously unburdened had wandered off into the background. When I found her again, she was happy.

The part who spontaneously unburdened was also happy. She's loving her researcher role. I asked if there were any gifts she wanted, there were, so I gave them to her. This made her look brighter.

The part who helped me leave my job is fine, and had also wandered off into the background. I thanked her for her help, and told her how right she'd been. She appreciated me valuing her.

The part who had taken on F's energy was also doing well. She was delighted with the part she was protecting and is happy with her progress. She also told me that she can't give up her role just yet because she's involved with other parts as well; these parts can wait, there's nothing urgent. She seems to have a good relationship with my Self.

The tiny part who'd been dressed as a boy was happily running round wearing fairy wings. I went into the past with her for a do-over. During the do-over, F told her he loved her and valued her as she was. He hugged her and gave her a shiny tiara to wear. She started running round a meadow chasing butterflies, and I left her in a safe space being looked after by fairies.

I met the polarised parts last.

The part who's wary of people welcomed being validated by friends here. I told her I understood why she felt the way she did. She appreciated this. She was a lot less intense than she's been the past couple of days.

The part who felt so hurt by the neighbour also appreciated being validated by friends here. I told her that it made a lot of sense that she felt hurt. She said she'd felt betrayed. She'd thought the neighbour was safe. She also said that she's carrying wounds that go back to other situations. We agreed that she wouldn't overwhelm me, and she'd only let it out in tiny amounts to help with that. I told her that if I'm not overwhelmed, my Self can be with her so has connection and isn't isolated. She loved that and we hugged.

All the parts I saw today were willing to accept love from my Self.

Today it feels right to voice something that happened last year while I was away from the forum. It hurt the polarised parts I mentioned yesterday.

It was in the summer. By this point, I'd started sitting outside and doing gentle exercises when it was warm enough to help me get better. I'd see my neighbour go past sometimes, and I'd call out hello if I knew she was there, but didn't get a reply. She genuinely might not have seen or heard me, or maybe she didn't want to.

In the summer I walked out the door when she was going past. I said hello and she stopped. She said she hadn't seen me in a long time, how was I? She said "everyone" had been talking about me, they hadn't seen me around for a long time. I explained I'd been ill. She minimised it. She said again "everyone" had been talking about me and wondering where I'd got to. She said she'd told them that I liked keeping to myself and didn't want to see anyone, "she's not like us". She again minimised my illness, and said "everyone" was talking about me.

It's upsetting to write about this. I'd reached a point where I felt more able to go out and see people. This episode pushed me right back. The minimising. The othering. I felt gossiped about, which felt threatening. If "everyone" had been so concerned about my whereabouts, why did nobody approach me and ask? And telling people I didn't want anything to do with them? That made things so much harder. Maybe that's why nobody seemed to care?

I told H, and he wondered if it was just a poor choice of words. I told a friend and he thought it was horrid. Regardless of intent, it was horrid.

The part who wants to be heard feels better for me writing this, and has now unblended with me. The part who thinks being seen and heard is a threat also feels better for me writing this, and feels some compassion for the other part.

I remember reading the journal entry that's gone missing. I'm glad you were able to talk to your T. I'm glad he understood.

 

Thanks for the warning, Kizzie, and thank you to the IT folks.

Welcome, Polly!

I'm so sorry those things happened to you. I applaud you for wanting to break the cycle and taking this path of healing .

A belated welcome, seshprinny .

Welcome to the forum, Marina!

I'm sorry for everything that brought you here, and I hope you find it a place of healing.

I frequently find that when I start working with a system of parts, more parts pop up and say hello. They see what's happening and make themselves known because they want healing too. In this situation, I have to be mindful of the new parts, but careful that I don't take on too much at once.

You may have gathered that it's happened this time too. Some polarised parts have surfaced. One part feels very isolated and wants friendship and connection; she wants to be seen and heard. This upsets another part who views being seen and heard as dangerous, something to be avoided. There's a third part who tries to push the other two away from me because she thinks they're disruptive.

I've told the parts that I get what they're telling me and I'm there for them, but I don't have spare capacity to work with them right now. I've also asked them not to overwhelm me, which they've taken on board; I can listen to them without them flooding me. I've also directed them towards the parts waiting room, which they have accepted.

The other parts I'm actively working with seem fine.

 

I can relate to the feeling of trying to be invisible, Bermuda.

I think you're right, there are more people talking about mental health concerns now and taking them seriously.

I'm there with you, Phoebes. I hear you, and I'm so sorry you went through these things. I hope you're finding it helpful to put everything down and it's easing your load.

Thanks Blueberry, I appreciate it.

All going well. I've checked in with all the parts I'm currently working with, and they're all ok. I'm feeling the difference with the part who spontaneously unburdened taking on a researcher role.

I've just read the following in Chapter 24 of the Transcending Trauma book:

I recommend that clients briefly check in with their unburdened part every day for about three to four weeks, as Richard Schwartz has advised. I've noticed that when I've done this with my own newly healed parts, they gently fade into the background and become part of my overall system.

I wanted to paste it here because it precisely describes what I've previously experienced.

Some of the work on inner children is maybe a little prescriptive? Just because it worked for the authors of the most commonly read books on inner children and possibly works for 95% of readers doesn't mean it's the right thing for all of us. As with all therapy methods, adapt and change for client and self is the order of the day. 

I completely agree with Blueberry. I think cptsd is a definite factor with this as well, and if things need to be adapted and changed as a result, that's perfectly fine.

I found it so powerful, San. I'm glad you liked it too.

=====

I'm helping quite a few parts at the moment, so I decided to journey to meet them. From my experiences in my previous journal, journeying works well with IFS because it makes it easier to go deeper with the parts and help them more effectively, partly because it gives me more access to Self-energy.

=====

The part who spontaneously unburdened is doing well. She shared more with me, and unburdened some more. She wants to take on a new role as a researcher.

There's a protector part in the same system who I met yesterday. I didn't say much about the part yesterday because she didn't want me to. Today there was a definite improvement. I am so grateful to her for protecting the wounded part, and she was able to unburden.

Part of the unburdening was her telling me how awful the lecturer was. We ended up writing a letter to him that went: "Dear *, you were a * teacher and a * human being, so * off" (). We posted it by folding it into a paper airplane. Sending it felt really good

I then moved onto the parts affected by the circumstances when I left my job some years ago. This involved three parts.

The first part was heartbroken about what had happened. She'd worked so hard, and felt as though she'd been cast aside for her shiny new male coworker. It was just like with F. Then she turned into a very young, tiny part who was trying to look like a boy. She said that no matter how hard she tried or worked, it was never good enough for F. F would tell her to try harder, work harder, and she felt as though he'd always choose her older brother, not her. She was trying to look like a boy to be more acceptable.

The second part was a protector. She helped me leave my job because she couldn't bear the pain of the little wounded part; she took her out of the situation.

I heard and witnessed both parts, and we spent some time releasing part of the burdens by skimming stones across a lake at sunset.

While we were doing this, a critical protector part turned up. She'd taken on a lot of F's energy to try and preempt F's words, but she didn't like it. I asked her how much of it came from F, and she showed me a big boulder. She didn't want to carry it any more, so we threw it into the lake. She then told the little part that she didn't have to try and look like a boy any more, she was good exactly how she was. The little part transformed into a little girl, and we burned the little boy outfit. My guide then sent healing Self-energy to the three parts, which they accepted.

=====

It was an interesting journey. I'm glad parts were able to unburden. I'll continue to check in with and help them every day over the next month.