Messages

 

I hope it went OK yesterday, holidayay.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so low, Blueberry. Full credit for going on the demonstration while you're feeling like this. 

Thank you both.

More memories and realisations this morning.

=== TW sexual assault ===



One thing I now accept is that when I was about 13, I was sexually assaulted by a boy at school. It was easy for me to minimise it and say it was just part of school life, but if I saw it happen to somebody else, I'd be horrified and call the police. My memories aren't clear, and I probably don't have to go into details about what happened, but for the first time I can remember the fear, shame and humiliation I felt. I also felt alone and as though I couldn't trust anyone. I didn't tell my parents because by that time, HB had effectively groomed me not to say anything to anyone about abusive behaviour. It would only make things worse and I'd get into trouble.

I think I only acknowledged that it was sexual assault a couple of months ago, but it felt very distant, as though it had happened to someone else. I can now accept that it happened to me, and feel the emotions. I see this as a good thing. Those emotions are valid and completely understandable, and I think they're coming up now because I'm strong enough to look at them and release them.

This looks really interesting. Thanks, Hope.

That's beautiful, San. I have so much admiration for you with the work that you're doing. Sending you love, hugs and all things magical.

Thank you Three Roses. 

I'm finding the archetypal mother and father images very helpful. I fell asleep thinking of the archetypal mother's arms around me yesterday afternoon, and again last night. I slept pretty well.

I journeyed this morning to meet my inner child. I looked in her eyes and told her that she wasn't abandoned, she wasn't alone, I was there for her, and that I loved her. I then invited the archetypal mother and father along, held my inner child, and we both received nurturing and protection from the archetypal parents. I felt the holes of abandonment filling up, and I felt nourished and supported.

I think I would have reacted in a similar way. I hope you're feeling safer today and that you can speak to Lady T about it.

I hear you, fear is nasty.

Random suggestion! Have you tried shaking? I worked on fear a few days ago, and I found shaking helped to get rid of it. It feels a bit like shaking apples off a tree.

Sending you courage and trust.

Hi David and welcome! 

I'm sorry that your experiences have brought you here, but I'm glad that you found us.

Lots of stuff relating to abandonment is coming up this morning. I've been crying and grieving, but I think that's part of the process. Acknowledging the abandonment in order to release it and let it go.

I'm going to burble about some of the things that have been coming up. I don't know if there might be triggers.

=== possible TW ===

One of the most vivid memories was when I was a child living with my parents. I can't remember how old I was, but I was in bed sobbing. I felt so depressed and alone, and I wanted someone to hold me, ask me what was wrong and comfort me. Instead F burst in, and shouted at me for being selfish and for not thinking of anyone other than myself. I was frightened, felt even more alone, and tried to cry quieter so that I wouldn't disturb anyone. F was still angry with me the following day and wouldn't look at me or talk to me.

F giving me the silent treatment was pretty common, and it was usually in relation to me not behaving the way he wanted. I would often get it when HB was abusive to me. F didn't always believe me, so he'd get livid at me, then not talk to me for several days while he was simmering. If he did believe me, he'd tell me that I should try harder to make allowances for HB, and again he might not talk to me for a few days. Either way, it felt as though I was being abandoned for being abused.


[Edit: I wrote about some other abandonment incidents, but I no longer need them to be here so I've removed them.]

There's more, but you get the idea. I feel a mixture of sadness and anger around most of these. Perhaps the key thing is that I received abandonment wounds early in life, and these became patterns that played out into adulthood. I need to let these patterns go, along with the original wounds. I also need to spend more time with my archetypal mother and father figures, and perhaps involve my inner child with this too. I will probably do this later today.

Hello, Ambassador, and welcome! 

I'm another one who wondered whether my experiences were bad enough. It helped me when I found a list of abusive behaviours categorised by types of abuse, as I could then see in black and white that things I'd experienced were objectively abusive.

I'm sorry that you need to be here, but I'm glad you found your way to us.

Oh that's brilliant news! I'm utterly delighted. 

I hope you're able to get some rest. 

Thank you, San, that means a lot. 

I think I've gone as far as I can with fear for now without getting out of balance. A lot has shifted. I can feel that I have more trust, and the fear I was holding on my belly seems to have about gone.

This morning I did a bit of work on releasing some anger. It was anger that I had suppressed and was holding on to, and I felt I had to get it out before I could move on.

This afternoon's work was significant as it was to do with healing abandonment wounds, in particular emotional abandonment from my parents. There are several aspects to this, and the biggest is that during childhood, I didn't feel protected by F, and he was emotionally absent towards me. At times I also felt that M was absent. I felt grief as I released these abandonment imprints.

I then created an archetypal mother figure and an archetypal father. They repaired the abandonment wounds, nurtured me, gave me protection, held me and healed me. It was so powerful, and I can still feel them with me now. I feel loved, nurtured and protected. I know that I can call on the mother and father archetypal figures any time that I need to be supported by mothering or fathering energies.