Messages

mar74, I can very much relate to what you're saying about oversharing, and it getting you in trouble.  I was that way for many years of my life, and ruined a lot of friendships because I didn't know how to gauge social cues or levels of intimacy, and if someone was listening, all kinds of things (and usually tears  ) would just pour out.  Getting into intensive therapy about 18 years ago helped me with that.  Though, now I feel that I have overcorrected.  I now find it extremely difficult to talk about anything without fearing that I will alienate people.  I have improved only slightly with knowing how to gauge social cues and levels of intimacy.  So now I have a couple of people I feel relatively safe talking to and sharing with pretty freely, but in most situations, I suppress my urges to say much of anything meaningful for fear of oversharing.  Also, now crying in front of anyone makes me want to die.  I'm almost afraid to watch Pixar movies anymore because I find my tears to be so totally humiliating, and yet, I cannot cry in private no matter how much I want to or need to.  It's very hard.  I'm sorry I don't have any real advice about how to handle it, but if it helps, you are definitely not alone.  I feel for you very much.  I hope there is peace and healing in your future.

The other problem with trying to engage with the rest of the forum is that after having been alone with this forever without even knowing what it was, reading all this stuff is kind of overwhelming.  I'm so off balance. 

I'm going on a five day cruise tomorrow and it will be great timing to take a break from cogitating.  No devices for five days, which will be awesome.  I was going to bring a notebook in my luggage in case I wanted to write, but that's just pressure and an invitation to wrapped up in my own head.  I used to draw and paint as a kid before the burden of my mother's desire for her unwanted child to be a prodigy at something stamped out all my confidence, and I want to experiment with getting back to that.  So I'm going to bring coloured pencils and drawing paper instead. 

It's ok to comment and be supportive. And share your thoughts. Just remember we are here to encourage not berate.  So if you have a thought or perspective that might help somehow put it out there.  You never know it might be just what that person needs to hear at that moment.

Thank you, Tee. That is really so kind and helpful. I will work on feeling safe to do that.

I'm trying to venture out of my own threads a little bit and try to engage with others on the forum, but I'm scared.  I fear that whatever I say will be the wrong thing, or will be taken the wrong way, or will be perceived as insincere, so I say little or nothing.  I'm not sure how to deal with that.  It's probably what ultimately wrecked my interactions with the last Internet group I was part of, in an overcorrection from years ago when I just barrelled in and said whatever I wanted to say without knowing any of the unspoken rules.

Relating to other humans is so, so difficult when pretty much everything in the world triggers some kind of trauma reaction.

What a wonderful feeling that must be!  I'm happy for you, and it gives me hope to hear about it.  Thank you for sharing.

My backyard is in chaos this summer because of a just-completed garage remodel, but I did manage to get some veggies planted in the spring.  I've been overwhelmed by various other things going on in my life for the past several weeks, during which time we've had a lot of rain alternating with a lot of heat and sun, so weeds, bolting radishes, and millions of volunteer tomatoes are overtaking the beets, carrots and greens I've planted.  That situation is only going to get worse because my partner and I are leaving for a 5-day cruise on Saturday.  But meanwhile, the raspberries and blueberries are starting to fatten and ripen, I picked the first container-grown jalapeno yesterday, the broccoli is holding its own against the purslane, and the bee- and butterfly-friendly flowers all around the house and in the minimeadow up on the hill are bursting into glorious bloom.  Even on my most down day, going outside to say Hi to all my plant buddies and pollinator guests is good for a moment of joy and a sense of wonder.

[only to find that anger is like a tiger you put in your basement, growing louder and hungrier with time]

I really relate to this post. I'm just screwing the lid off of my own bottled up anger. For years - decades - I bought into the "don't think about it and it won't bother you" philosophy, only to find that anger is like a tiger you put in your basement, growing louder and hungrier with time.

That's an evocative and very eloquent way to put it.  After years of buying into the similar but slightly different "Sure, there's plenty I could be angry about, but being angry makes me feel bad and doesn't change anything, so why should I bother with it?" mentality, I had to start confronting my anger last year when the therapist that I saw twice a week for 17 years retired.  That therapist was really great for me for a long time, and helped me loads, but in the later years of our work together as without my really noticing it much she got very old indeed, and a bit sentimental, our relationship became a little chummier than it really should have, and the way she handled me with regard to the retirement was very clumsy.  That was highly traumatic because she had become rather a mother figure for me and this of course triggered all kinds of crap from blah blah blah etc you know.  Fortunately, before she left, she helped me find a new therapist I felt comfortable with, but who had not become too sensitive to my pain to be able to properly challenge my notion that anger was a harmful waste of my energy.  The new therapist refused me the luxury of denying my anger towards my former therapist.  I was able to successfully navigate processing that anger, and that emboldened me a tiny bit to start on the rest of it.  But only a tiny bit, and only to start, because, well, at the end of the day my former therapist is a lovely and compassionate woman who is only human, who gave me exactly what I needed for my healing process for many years and ultimately did right by me even if the end was rocky, and even the most damaged ME that lives in here can't continue to believe she abandoned me because she didn't care.  So processing that anger was only very slightly risky, whereas the rest of it...Oy.

Horse, thank you for posting.  I've found this to be very much the case for me, too.  I take a similar range of supplements to what you describe above, and eat as well I can (very difficult at times because disordered eating is part of my pathology, and I have digestive issues that greatly limit my dietary choices), and it makes a HUGE difference.  I cannot tolerate medication, so discovering that I can significantly moderate my trauma symptoms with diet, nutrition and exercise has been a huge step forward for me.  I wish you continued success and good health with your new routines!

I woke up angry this morning.  Usually, I wake up depressed, and anger is supposedly "better" than depression, but I wish some day I could wake up calm and refreshed.  I suppose that does happen once in a great while, but really almost never.  I almost always wake up with negative feelings of one kind or another, almost always wish I could just keep sleeping a while longer.  Sometimes the negative feelings recede enough to only be a mundane and familiar nuisance once I get up and go about my day, but other times, they just hang around and deepen as I try to operate with the all the underlying mental and physical pain that has characterised my entire life. 

I have a deep fear of anger.  Displays of anger give me a fight-or-flight response that really messes me up.  All anger, even from strangers in public arguing 50 feet away who have nothing to do with me.  Even on television.  Even my own.  Maybe especially my own.  If I feel anger, one of my primal defences is to turn it into sadness and depression.   I never feel any kind of empowerment from anger, only fear, churning stomach, and amplification of the death-wishing voice.  I hate my sadness and depression, but I guess they're less scary.  I WANT to somehow access my anger and use that energy in a positive way, because heaven knows there's enough of it in there to burn cities, but I haven't found a way to do that yet.

PS:  I read in another thread where someone said something about perfectionism and having to re-edit a post a few times because they can't bear to leave in a typo or a grammatical error.  I have that, too.  It's a giant pain in the whatsis.  So that was reassuring!

The subject of this post is the biggest and scariest thing I've learned since discovering the concept of C-PTSD earlier this month.  Everything triggers me.

I've been a detective for the past 20 years, gathering information and clues from my available sources and tirelessly (or, rather, quite tiringly!) analysing the evidence to try to determine what happened to me in childhood.  I have wanted to know, so that I could figure out if there was a way to try to "fix" it.  I know I can't FIX it, but my life's goal is to become happier, to not have to suffer so much of the time, to not inflict one tiny little bit more of my pain on others than I absolutely have to, and to make it all the way to the end of my natural life to die without pain or fear.  After a brutal twisted childhood in which the trauma was nearly constant but very little about what traumatised me was perceivable to the outside world, I have been lucky enough for the past 20+ years to be in a sufficiently protective and nurturing environment to have the resources and opportunity to do that work, and I would be dishonouring everything that means anything to me if I didn't do it.  I won't save the world, but I won't make it worse either, and I'll never hurt anyone the way that I have been hurt.  This is how I will justify my existence and make bearable my lifelong suffering.

WHERE IT STARTED:  Before birth.  My mother's pregnancy with me was supposed to have the same miraculous effect on my father's regard for her that the advent of my older sibling had had a few years before.  It didn't, and somehow that was my fault.

I hope to write more.  It is REALLY hard.

Well look at me! I finally found a title for this journal that didn't make me feel exposed and panicky! 

It's the little things.

[Sometimes, self protection is the act of expression - what we need, what we want, what won't work for us]

I appreciate all of these responses so much.  Thank you all for giving them.  I'm doing a lot of deep thinking about this and will not make a hasty decision.  Too often in the past, I have rushed myself through a decision about dealing with my mother simply because of the stress of thinking it through, but I'm not doing that this time.  There's further background I didn't go into about why this came up for me after the four years of almost no contact, and I'm onto about seven months of careful consideration how to handle it.  I have taken great care so far to give myself plenty of time and space, and to take everything I'm thinking and feeling seriously.  I will continue to do so.  I feel that I am close to clarity about my objective and how best I can achieve it.

I love your letter and think it's eloquent, well thought out, clear, and healthy. Sometimes, self protection is the act of expression - what we need, what we want, what won't work for us. I lived for many years in a state of no-contact that just sort of happened. When my FOO member contacted me after thirteen years, I talked with him a few times on the phone and then was able to review the situation, ultimately telling him I wanted no contact with him. This, too, was self protection. Speaking with him those few times allowed me to see exactly what it was I needed. Speaking up for ourselves and taking the initiative to pursue what is in our best interests can be very healing, and for me this is what happened. Best of luck to you.

Three Roses, thank you especially for this.  My need for expression is very much at the core of this.  I said above that I want her to know it, and that I want her to write back.  Upon further thought, and in light of re-reading this thread, I don't feel as sure that I want her to write back.  Part of me does, part of me doesn't, and part of me is just curious to see whether or not she will.  But ALL of me wants her to know it.  So I have to think some more about the implications of that. 

Time to put it away for the night, and run it by my therapist at my session tomorrow...Thanks again, everybody!   

I'm not sure from your post whether you're thinking of sending that letter or not. I've been told over and over again about that kind of very open letter to parents "Good that you wrote it, but don't send it, you're making yourself too vulnerable."

Now I look back at emails I sent my parents 4-5 years ago, I was busily explaining this kind of stuff. It didn't make any difference, it didn't help me, even though at the time I hoped they understood.

I've also been told on here and on OutOfTheFog (our sister website) that the most important thing is to protect myself. More important than trying not to hurt family-of-origin (FOO) members by changing my mind, saying 'No' etc.

If you're just writing the letter here to get it out of your system and to let your feelings evolve without letting your M know about any of it, well that's what this part of the forum is used for mostly.

I'm definitely thinking about sending it to her.  I want her to know it.  And I do actually want her to write back.  I understand there's a risk that I might regret it, but at this point, I feel that the risk of my regretting NOT sending it is greater.

[detailed/graphic accounts]

From the Guidelines:  Overly Graphic/Detailed Posts  - OOTS members are survivors of ongoing trauma and emotional/ physical/ sexual abuse. As such, detailed/graphic accounts of the trauma/abuse can trigger painful emotional flashbacks for other members.  Please be very mindful of this and refrain from graphic descriptions of your trauma/abuse, just include enough information to give members the idea.  If you are unsure of whether or not a post is overly graphic, include the words "Trigger Warning" and give the reason for the warning (e.g., sexual abuse, domestic violence), in the subject line of your post. Posts which go beyond what is necessary to describe your situation will be edited or removed.

It's actually difficult to predict what might be triggering for others. Don't worry too much about it in early days on the forum because we moderators add TWs as necessary. As you read around, you'll also see what kind of posts other people have put TWs on.

Thank you very much for this response.  I think I understand, and I will do my best!