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And no problem notalone. Im trying, havent been able to sketch much this week

[Activity: Female Style: Male Style:]

Hello Ecowarrior,

This post reminds me of the different linguistic styles of men and women in the workplace. I'm currently in college, and I was intrigued and surprised to see the differences laid out in black and white on the page. Much of what you refer to falls into stereotyped interpretations; I'll list them here:

Activity:                                                     Female Style:                                                            Male Style:
giving orders                                          indirect (please get me)                                         direct (you need to)
owning mistakes                                   direct acknowledgement and apology                indirect (there was a problem)
pronoun use                                          inclusive (we, our)                                                    1st or 3rd person (I, he she, they)
power dynamics                          relationally oriented, face-saving, uses requests         self-oriented, more assertive, less questions
use of apology                                       ritual for comforting, (I'm sorry you've felt...)      consider it a one-down position
feedback                                                 positive praise before criticism                              criticism alone
compliments                                           used as ritual exchange                                        seen in isolation, not part of ritual exchange
arguments                                               argument=position, adversarial                          used to test strengths and weaknesses of a position, ritual
authority/confidence                             self-effacing socialization                                      close distance for power brokers, audience for strengths

As a result, men believe:
women are unable to exercise authority, assume leadership or appear competent. Catch -22, if they adopt the male linguistic style, they are seen as "bitchy or pushy"
As a result, women believe:
men are too direct and self-serving, If they adopt more female linguistic styles, they are seen as indecisive or overly sensitive

It's a trial to figure out the best way to conduct yourself in the workplace because of the culture's preference and acceptance of male oriented styles. I wanted to bring another perspective to you here, so you could perhaps see this as not entirely personal. There is bias involved and when it affects our jobs it's especially painful. I've sorry you've been caught in it.

Thanks so much makes me feel like its not just me. But gah so frustrating

I will try to resize in the future. Thanks Kizzie

Yeah, definitely disheartening when it comes to being judged by my symptoms not thinking im capable of doing my job. Which is NOT the case at all. If anything, one of my coworkers said because I am hypervigilant and overly empathetic I am a better trainer because my sessions are catered to an individual not a species. I trained 6 medical behaviors that might've saved one of my charges life within a year; mind you, this animal is deaf and developmentally delayed. I've been told that I speak hesitantly, carefully measuring my words and tone.... And that could be why people don't take me seriously. Appears like I have no self-confidence.

I am nowhere near being "stable" but I can tell you something I have been working on for the past couple weeks that has helped me a little?

Making a daily routine and I use this app called daylio to track my moods and the "streaks" of these activities within my daily routine. It is very helpful to see any trends in your mood and keep track of your triggers.
So my daily routine basically is composed of coping mechanisms that I use to "treat myself" so for example:

In the morning, I drink my chocolate milk and read.
In the afternoon, shower with music and awesome smelling soap, I workout even if it is a quick 5 minute stretch (try to cook within the workout since it is a huge trigger for me), I sketch/watch tv/write/play uke and then before I go to sleep I do a quick meditation.

I started this recently because this season is extremely triggering from April to July. It is awful >< but see if maybe that helps at all? I really hope you are feeling slightly better but all I can tell you is there are ups and downs. I constantly have doubts about myself, just found out that apparently my way of speaking is hesitant even with my husband which shocked me. I constantly feel worthless and sometimes wish I did not exist BUT! I admit, this daily routine has kind of helped

So I have kind of picked myself back up. Went to visit another zoo, and went birdwatching with a friend. It is amazing how just seeing wildlife, for me, just puts everything back into perspective. Yes, I did not get the promotion. That hurt and it sucks. Completely unfair but I feel that maybe for right now, it is for the best. I would be on probation for a year....again. And maybe for mental health, it is better that I don't deal with that right now. Especially if I have a supervisor at the moment that has it out for me. At the moment I will just focus on my animals and their wellbeing. I am happy for my friends, and I know they will continue to encourage me to voice my opinion and advocate for the animals under my care.

For whatever reason, the pictures of these particular sketches would not go through but I found another way I can have y'all view them:

https://ecowarrior8888.livejournal.com/2333.html

For whatever reason the images are not loading....
Just not my day today, I'll try again tomorrow.

So got passed for a promotion today due to receiving an "improvement plan" that was given to me after disclosing my diagnosis to my 2 supervisors after a family crisis that was a month long. I was told I wasn't promoted due to this "improvement plan" that everyone I have shown that has worked with me doesn't sound like it is for me...So here are a couple images that just show how I feel right now.... I drew these when I first received this improvement plan.... at the same time of my family crisis...

I feel so alone. I feel like I have no one to talk to about this that would understand how truly unfair this is. Everyone I tell say it is unfair, but it isn't just that. It is also so triggering because I have to keep my poker face on again. I finally recovered to the point where I felt like I did not have to hide my feelings, where I can advocate for those under my care and their wellbeing. I was starting to be assertive when this "improvement plan" says otherwise....

I am really down right now

So about 6 weeks ago, when my family was in a crisis- that were all triggers btw: My mom was in surgery (huge trigger), my grandma was dying (still alive but she is 98...so...still coming  , and my suicidal cousin came into contact with me, my sister stopped talking to me because she was being triggered without knowing and without knowing how to cope)- my job gave me an "improvement plan." It was basically a document that tore me to shreds due to a new supervisor that has it out for me. Saying that I make everyone feel like they are "walking on eggshells" even though I have statements from all my team members that we have a good working relationship, they feel I am approachable and take constructive criticism well.  Saying that I don't know how to leave my "home life outside of work" which is complete bull because 1: I was going through a family crisis, 2: my home life!?!? really, if I disclosed to them that I have CPTSD it is freaking embedded into everything that I do. Anything is a freaking trigger: a scent, a phrase, a scenario, someone's dominant posture, etc. I told one supervisor and that supervisor advised me to tell the new supervisor...which my gut said not to...I should've listened and yeah I received this improvement plan.

Before all of this, I had an interview for a promotion. Literally everyone on my team, except me got promoted and my manager said that it was because of the improvement plan that I did not get promoted. I feel so picked on. Literally attending a pity party of 1 right now, me, at home. Someone who I trained since she was an intern got promoted! she just passed probation last week! At first I was like, of course I didn't get it....I have so much to work on. But now that my coworker that I trained since she was an intern got the job, I feel it is literally because that supervisor had it out for me and submitted this so called improvement plan which everyone I work with and my therapist say that what they claim is entirely false.

I am beyond happy for my friends, don't get me wrong, but I have no idea how to cope with this. I have no idea how to deal. I'm scared if I try to fight this improvement plan they may have more reason to try and extend the plan or even remove me from my team with the claim that my job is too dangerous, etc. Even though I have been working in this position for 3 years before this "new supervisor" got to our team. All the claims they made in that improvement plan were never an issue that was brought up to me, beforehand.

So yea.... I am scared for my career. And I wish it was a workplace I could just leave but I can't. My field is so small. Literally if I were to leave this job, I would have to move away: from my hometown, my family, my friends..... from everything that I know. I am not exaggerating. Plus besides all of this stuff, I love my job. It is my dream job, until this horrid human being became supervisor. It is crazy as I type this how dramatic this seems but I am telling you, not exaggerating. Everyone I told that I did not get promoted are really angry about it saying it isn't fair that I have always shown great work ethic and I am easy to get along with....Just that one month of crisis and I guess the rest is history...

Any advice?

Love your art EcoWarrior, but sad they are the result of trauma associated with your birthday.  It just may be that as you draw and talk about this more it will make room for future birthdays that are more positive and celebratory than rife with trauma. That's my birthday wish for you. 

Wow thank you so much Kizzie.... I truly hope so.
Yesterday was a good day overall but I still had a panic attack regardless of my medication, my coping mechanisms and seeing my friends throughout the day. We even moved our celebration to today because it is the day itself that is so triggering. Susceptible to all kinds of triggers and emotional flashbacks. I just felt so much pain, anger and resentment. Which honestly, I don't know how to deal with. I don't know how to express that....I wasn't allowed....
Overall besides the panic attack....it was a good day.

Thank you everyone < now to get through the rest of the month of May with 3 major trigger dates.

Thank you Three roses.
River rabbit:
I get you, I don't have any mirrors at my place. Just the standard bathroom that comes with the apartment. Its very triggering. I'm sorry if your birthday is a bad thing too.

And thank you, I've been scared to post again. Have had a hard time drawing and painting in general. But it helps so much to hear how you guys see it, because you get it. Makes me feel understood and less alone.

Welcome <3 Post whatever you feel necessary to release. I am pretty new here too and learning how to navigate. So far, I have felt being a part of this community to be very helpful. I don't feel  as alone   People here understand the battles I fight.

I express myself through my sketches and paintings. Sometimes thats the only way I can release the pent up emotions that I don't know how to handle: anger, resentment, and just a jumble of things that for whatever reason my mind cannot process. This time I know the reason, tomorrow is my birthday. I turn 28. Huge trigger date. My abuser was awesome at ruining the month of May for me. And these sketches pretty much illustrate what I have been trying to survive all week.... brain fog. I keep dissociating. When I look in the mirror its like someone else is looking back at me. I cannot receive information given to me regardless of what it is. I hope I come back soon....I hope my mind clears up soon... 

Putting these words in order... is the first order...

It is a first step in conquering this mountain that looms over me... in this cavern, where you can hear the weight groaning, with tension... with apprehension.

It all wants to fall...

And, knowing this certain doom... this inevitable failure is poised above me, like the sword of a cursed king... I take the step anyway.

I take the step to move this mountain... to push it back... to rescue the child trapped in its dark grasp.  I will struggle through prose to shine in some light as I fight.

I am still a long way off, and my feeble fists seem to make no progress against the cold, jagged stone... but I hope he feels some faint echo... some vibration... and know that he is worth it.

Amazing. Loved it!
"I take the step anyway"
"I will struggle through prose to shine in some light as I fight"

That is exactly how I feel with my drawings and my paintings. I hope little Riverrabbit does feel some echo, vibration. He is worth it. You got this. Fight the good fight.

Thank you, Woodsgnome- that is a very accurate metaphor. The disappearing bridge. I struggle to even remember how I made so much progress at times. What was the key to that? Oh well, I probably am making progress..it's just a backslide.

It really helps to hear from you and know that I'm not alone in this experience.

You are not alone in this experience. I am feeling the same way. I feel like I was to a point where I was confident in my abilities in my career. I was drawing every day and independently making plans to look forward to something. However, now I am triggered due to my birthday and it's like all that went out the window. I feel like the floor is falling beneath me. I don't know what is "fun" anymore. My  husband says to go through the motions. That's why I joined this support group. Not going to lie, it helps me knowing I am not alone in this feeling. It is so disillusioning when you slide backwards but hopefully which each backslide we climb back up stronger.

I want to feel comfy in my own skin where colors are clear, thoughts are not all mixed together and I feel...put together.
Today is not one of those days.