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So got passed for a promotion today due to receiving an "improvement plan" that was given to me after disclosing my diagnosis to my 2 supervisors after a family crisis that was a month long. I was told I wasn't promoted due to this "improvement plan" that everyone I have shown that has worked with me doesn't sound like it is for me...So here are a couple images that just show how I feel right now.... I drew these when I first received this improvement plan.... at the same time of my family crisis...

I feel so alone. I feel like I have no one to talk to about this that would understand how truly unfair this is. Everyone I tell say it is unfair, but it isn't just that. It is also so triggering because I have to keep my poker face on again. I finally recovered to the point where I felt like I did not have to hide my feelings, where I can advocate for those under my care and their wellbeing. I was starting to be assertive when this "improvement plan" says otherwise....

I am really down right now

So about 6 weeks ago, when my family was in a crisis- that were all triggers btw: My mom was in surgery (huge trigger), my grandma was dying (still alive but she is 98...so...still coming  , and my suicidal cousin came into contact with me, my sister stopped talking to me because she was being triggered without knowing and without knowing how to cope)- my job gave me an "improvement plan." It was basically a document that tore me to shreds due to a new supervisor that has it out for me. Saying that I make everyone feel like they are "walking on eggshells" even though I have statements from all my team members that we have a good working relationship, they feel I am approachable and take constructive criticism well.  Saying that I don't know how to leave my "home life outside of work" which is complete bull because 1: I was going through a family crisis, 2: my home life!?!? really, if I disclosed to them that I have CPTSD it is freaking embedded into everything that I do. Anything is a freaking trigger: a scent, a phrase, a scenario, someone's dominant posture, etc. I told one supervisor and that supervisor advised me to tell the new supervisor...which my gut said not to...I should've listened and yeah I received this improvement plan.

Before all of this, I had an interview for a promotion. Literally everyone on my team, except me got promoted and my manager said that it was because of the improvement plan that I did not get promoted. I feel so picked on. Literally attending a pity party of 1 right now, me, at home. Someone who I trained since she was an intern got promoted! she just passed probation last week! At first I was like, of course I didn't get it....I have so much to work on. But now that my coworker that I trained since she was an intern got the job, I feel it is literally because that supervisor had it out for me and submitted this so called improvement plan which everyone I work with and my therapist say that what they claim is entirely false.

I am beyond happy for my friends, don't get me wrong, but I have no idea how to cope with this. I have no idea how to deal. I'm scared if I try to fight this improvement plan they may have more reason to try and extend the plan or even remove me from my team with the claim that my job is too dangerous, etc. Even though I have been working in this position for 3 years before this "new supervisor" got to our team. All the claims they made in that improvement plan were never an issue that was brought up to me, beforehand.

So yea.... I am scared for my career. And I wish it was a workplace I could just leave but I can't. My field is so small. Literally if I were to leave this job, I would have to move away: from my hometown, my family, my friends..... from everything that I know. I am not exaggerating. Plus besides all of this stuff, I love my job. It is my dream job, until this horrid human being became supervisor. It is crazy as I type this how dramatic this seems but I am telling you, not exaggerating. Everyone I told that I did not get promoted are really angry about it saying it isn't fair that I have always shown great work ethic and I am easy to get along with....Just that one month of crisis and I guess the rest is history...

Any advice?

I express myself through my sketches and paintings. Sometimes thats the only way I can release the pent up emotions that I don't know how to handle: anger, resentment, and just a jumble of things that for whatever reason my mind cannot process. This time I know the reason, tomorrow is my birthday. I turn 28. Huge trigger date. My abuser was awesome at ruining the month of May for me. And these sketches pretty much illustrate what I have been trying to survive all week.... brain fog. I keep dissociating. When I look in the mirror its like someone else is looking back at me. I cannot receive information given to me regardless of what it is. I hope I come back soon....I hope my mind clears up soon... 

I want to feel comfy in my own skin where colors are clear, thoughts are not all mixed together and I feel...put together.
Today is not one of those days.

Inspired by Yao ma van as 😊 love her stuff because gives me strength and encouragement of being an independent woman 😊

My birthday is in a couple weeks. And today as soon as I got home from work, I showered and made cup noodles....
I sat on my couch and ate at the small table with the TV on....
I felt echoes of a flashback if that makes sense. It was there, but not full blown, however the guilt started seeping in.
I could just hear my dad calling me starchy, fat and saying I am killing my brain cells when I turned the TV on..... I worked for 8 hours outside, physical labor in 80 degree heat.... Why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel alone when my husband is in constant contact with me? I have my kitty who tries to get me out of these flashbacks.
But I feel I have nothing to look forward to. Everything feels dark. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel hopeless. Even something I should be looking forward to, going to a workshop for my job with all expenses paid for which is all about my passion. But of course, it lands on my abuser's birthday....
I just want everything to stop. There are so many things going on and I feel like I can't catch up.

Trigger warning:my journey

So I officially got diagnosed a year and a half ago with CPTSD. Been going to therapy for about 6 years and now on meds because my symptoms I guess are considered severe.

I endured 20 years of abuse from my dad and I didnt know. I guess I've been wanting to find others that understand what I am going through. My sister isnt ready she is still in denial. And I feel alone and hopeless sometimes because I feel no one understands. So yeah, that's why I am here