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So, i have posted before on what i feel exercise really gives me a boost, but having watched and read more about my cPTSD recently, i have come to appreciate that maybe the fact i am hypervigilant, stressed, tired, addicted etc which drain my cortisol, adrenals etc etc (brain chemicals of which i know names but not a lot of detail), it makes sense that i would get more of a boost from exercise, especially as intensity is raised a bit too.

As if i understand correctly, it gives the brain a boost of dopamine, reduces the stress symptoms and maybe heals some of the damage in the other chemical components

now i have done reading on these chemicals more from an addiction point of view, but i am keen to know if the above makes sense or anyone can offer some thoughts?

thank you

I am aware people often have flashbacks etc during their sleep, but i am quite the opposite, in that i have no dreams whatsoever and havent done for a long time. 
Started to question what that means for my memory processing / health etc, but generally what it means psychologically and open to any thoughts / comments please

For a long time, i was shut out of my emotions.  i lived on autopilot, however this recovery journey has been changing that, and more so in the past 3/4 months through some EMDR.

I was discussing with my therapist yesterday what area we should cover next (we have a long list), and working out strong feelings, and the word "loneliness" popped into my head, and then i was suddenly scared of it, as in i felt the pain of it immediately - we agreed to go with that as the next topic, and then a memory came to my head, and i broke down crying, a deep physical cry (for me)

For me that is a big deal, i have cried during EMDR when i am deep in, but never during normal talk therapy.

In many ways, i am glad for my own bravery and change to come to this point, but i am also scared to enter this topic of loneliness as it now feels like one of the most key issues in my story, which makes sense. 

Loneliness makes complete sense as a big wound for me - my parents both used me for their needs or neglected me, my mother ran off when i was young (returned later - but any form of relationship was gone), i have made weak friendships over the years who havent cared when i needed more, and my whole journey of struggle has been very solo, part of that is the shame of it all, but also the inability to articulate to myself my pain, let alone another. 
the fact i am writing this here before i carry onward with this, and the fact i cried in the manner i did, offers me hope of change, it isnt easy these recoveries, but i dont feel i have a choice, if i want to be more than that which was given (taken away) from me

posting to share, posting for thoughts from others, but also posting because its helping me get some sense

I sometimes listen to interviews of David Goggins on youtube.  a man who would be a candidate for cPTSD given his history.

However, he has achieved a lot through grit (Navy Seal, champion ultrarunner, world pull up champion etc), and it does make me feel a bit weak if i am honest, but also curious about possibilities?

thoughts?

Hi,

So i am currently receiving EMDR through a therapist, and that is going slowly but surely.
I also bought myself an EMDR machine for home usage, which i have occasionally used for simpler topics, or a continuation of a session when it is safe.

(I have not told my therapist i am using the machine given i have seen / heard the reactions therapists generally have to this and how its generally seen as a threat to their skills - but i am aware people do self EMDR - i.e. i have done broad homework)


I have one question though, i have a sense of how the speed / intensity may work in EMDR, but i would like some clarification / explanation from someone who knows better

thanks

Just a thank you to those that have recommended Pete Walkers Complex PTSD book - surviving to thriving

I bought it actually in December, but as i was focusing on my EMDR and some other stuff, i put it away (likely to be binned).

Starting on these forums, i saw it mentioned a few times and picked it back up....upto page 70 - have never related to a book as strongly as it, it explains so well my struggles and issues, and i have felt tearful many a time just reading its insight....and then cried doing a few of the exercises

anyway, a strong recommendation from me, but also a big thank you to those that have mentioned it

As i come to learn more and more about my ways of behaving and how that in turn attracted certain people into my life, i have come to appreciate how i have no real friends.

Most of the friends i have, and there are very few now, i dont see often given distance.

However, i have one who is local, but he is very selfish, lazy and wont accept any fault at all.  This isnt my words, its those of others, that i now realise as true.

Problem is, given i dont have any local friends bar him, i am keeping the relationship alive, but with the view in the future that will change. 

What are others thoughts on this? 

thanks

Hi,



Wasnt sure where to post this, but given i havent done a proper introduction, thought i may add it here.



I am very confused.....my parents used me in many ways, and made me fulfil their needs.  I worry about repeating that past via getting into a helping profession (therapist, charitable work), which is what allures me, but it may be because i have never and still dont know how to recognise what i want out of life, as i also became the caretaker for my siblings for many years - i.e. caretaking is all i know...perhaps



however, my grandparents were also involved in helping professions, and i saw good in that, and was around people who did good for humanity growing up, and having spent my working life so far in more traditional career, i have found it unsatisfying. 



I may have just done too much self help reading / therapy, and have stopped myself from pursuing something i may really love, or it could be my history



i find it hard to split this all up now, and know what is me and my desires



any thoughts would be appreciated



thank you

Someone recently said this / words to this affect:

"I denied my problems for my entire career, "successful but miserable", wishing had faced them sooner. 

Everybody different, If I got a redo, I would put myself first and seek healing as my #1 life goal, regardless of the cost in the "normal" world. "

i have been working full time (50/60 hour weeks) for a few years now, and my "healing" has been a slow side project, and i am frustrated with that.  i am now going through exactly this type of dilemna, I took a few months break for my EMDR (lots of ups and downs) and some other work, and it was the right thing to do as i was in a toxic environment and stressful.  However i feel i should return to a job search, out of guilt and not being out of work for too long (i have been out for 3/4 months), but feel the need to focus on me somewhat more?

I have a reputable/professional career, but i dont personally care for it, and also ultimately want to change but that will take time too

My questions:

- do others regret putting work first and not focusing on their issues enough or in enough time
- any stories or experiences that are relatable?
- other thoughts on the quote above

thank you kindly

Hi all,



looking for any tips on podcasts covering cPTSD or similar?



I have found a few, and one i like, but keen to hear any recommend ones

thanks

As i learn more and more about my cPTSD, and particularly coping mechanisms, i find my anger towards how i have lived my life reducing. 

I get angry at:

- my addictions (various, some stopped and some more managed now)
- time spent zoning out at TV, or the bad food binges
- not being able to express how i was feeling for years
- avoiding dealing with the trauma, not getting better "fast enough"

But as i now come to appreciate that all these methods were my way of coping through a very tough and hard childhood, not getting love and support but being used in many ways, i realise that the full force of the feelings i couldnt have handled before, and as much as i hate the amount of life lost to watching TV, or other addictions, i appreciate they gave me space away and distraction from the enormity of what transpired,

i guess, i am finding some acceptance, finally

sharing, because i hope others can relate

I listened to a podcast with the above title recently and i really liked it, it explained, how through researching and understanding our cPTSD (and i think PTSD too), we may come to think we have depression, anxiety, other problems....

We own this stuff, but in essense it isnt us, but has become us....which differs to a lot of other mental health problems

i felt it had a lot of truth for me, as i spent years treating depression, treating addiction, treating lack of assertiveness etc etc and doing courses, and books......but now understanding trauma and cPTSD, has been a load off, and makes me feel at ease somewhat

i think i am rambling, but thought i would share to see if it made sense to others

I havent posted the link, as i forget the rules for posting such items

thanks

Hi all,

just thought i would share some thoughts, I sometimes get annoyed with myself, and i wish the following:

- that i had had a better first therapist and that she would have said i had cPTSD
- that i knew this would take a while to overcome
- that i had the courage to explain and understand what was going on for me, rather than avoid friends and ruin relationships
- had not wasted so much on some of my addictions

However, as i sit here today, planning ahead, i am grateful for:

- now being able to identify the patterns as cPTSD
- finding this and another forum to ask questions, and some really useful podcasts and youtube channels that i can really relate to
- through that, accepting parts of myself as a work in progress
- accepting other parts of myself
- appreciating i need to put myself first now (I default to saving the world and not my own sanity)
- realising that it isnt a life sentence and i can change (the biggest plus)

this journey is far from easy, but its needed, very needed and i am glad its getting its space (as well as my inner child - as much as i find it hard using that term)

anyway, wishing you all well

Hi all,

maybe this will be a rant, but my intention is a question please - how i move on from a default of  - being stuck / inaction / fulfillng others needs?

For many years now i have been addicted and depressed, and that was due to childhood traumas / abuses that are understood and worked through somewhat and still in therapy (EMDR).

Now i was hoping to shift gears as things started to lift, but i still feel stuck by my default behaviours of wasting time - online, tv, eating badly and then they take the day or evening, leaving me with less energy and the bad cycle starts

however once i get going i have a lot of energy, but my default position from many years is still the above, and it bothers me and sometimes scares me that it hasnt shifted and it lurks, as i am in it just now.  I know i need to go to the gym, it spikes my moods and ability to act so strongly, but i havent gone and i am wasting time.     

I want to understand others experiences, how they keep themselves going and being more

I want a better default position

thoughts?

thanks

I am tired, very tired of having problems, I still have a lot of drive but recently i feel i have been consumed with "healing" work.

Being tired that things arent changing at the speed and manner i want. 

However it dawned on me, that i was focusing on the healing too much and not on living e.g. twice weekly therapy, spending time on forums, focusing on whats wrong and not recogning the work done so far, and also not doing fun activities but resorting to old habits of zoning out infront of the TV, or other negative addictive behaviours - which all loop into the negative cycle

i know at an old job, people spoke of faking it till you make it, and of course that does not work for cPTSD, developmental trauma etc, but i wonder if there is a small element of it that does work? 

anyway i am rambling maybe, just feeling a bit like i need to get up and go, but the fog is around and i want to break free

I hope there is a question or something to comment upon in there

thank you lovely people

Hi people

i am quite confused about what type of therapy i should be doing.

So i have attachment issues, early developmental trauma and a few other trauma instances - which gives rise to the cPTSD

Now having done research i have been receiving EMDR, which i feel is helping but i am wary other people and the Bessel book (body knows the score) states Sensorimotor or other types of therapy are better. 

Really keen to not waste more time and money, so keen on opinions on treatment experiences / thoughts etc

thank you

When i get down, and particularly if it starts to go on for a while, i have found the best cure is movement.  I wish i had known this when i was in deeper depression, and when other times were rough but glad to know it now. 

I post this, as i am keen to hear how movement / exercise has benefited others in their respective journeys? in what manner and maybe how its become part of life - as i look to do the same

thank you kindly

Hi,
as part of healing from my trauma, i was reading "the body knows the score", and given i have been quite disconnected from my body for a long time, i have been allured to try some form of body based psychotherapy, of which the book recommends some.

I wanted to know if others had tried, or had knowledge of biodynamic massage and what their experiences/thoughts were?

i tried it for the first time yesterday and i am not fully getting it

thanks

For years i have been working from a fear perspective, my flight or fight response on hyper drive, overthinking comments by bosses and taking it home with me, and waking up thinking about work.  It got worse last year such that now, i have taken some time away from work, to do some EMDR and to just rest a bit. 

Its been very helpful but i am now considering starting a job search after being off for 3 months, and it really bothers me as i want to change career, or do something with more meaning, but feel trapped by jobs done before and the money question. 
I managed to earn fairly well but it was at the cost of triggering my mental and physical health over many years, and the stress and anguish just doesnt seem worth it anymore, but, i dont want to feel not as valuable

trying to manage this anxiety and work out how best to approach life now, as i feel from a work standpoint, i have lost a lot of confidence, even though my performance is higher than others as is my workrate, i am too negative

anyway, this is a bit of a ramble now, but hope others can read between the lines and offer some thoughts

When i was not aware of my depression, and worsening feelings i spent a lot of time listening to John Frusciante.

He was depressed for a long time and an addict, and his lyrics spoke of that in indirect language, i just wish i had picked up on why it spoke to me a lot earlier, but i am glad i now know that if i start listening to that music, it means other things need looking into