Messages

I wish you well, Anjulie  , no matter which direction you decide on. And I hope you remember this basic rule of thumb -- be easy on yourself, but pay attention to where your heart leads you.

Dear woodsgnome 
your words are precious to me.

Thank you Tee and notalone for hearing me  although it's sad that you've gone through that, too, but it feels good not to be alone.
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Earlier in my life, I used not to be emotional about losing people, I never let them come that close I guess. Now it seems to be a different story. I haven't noticed that had changed so much... especially with friends. I let my husband come very close and he is wonderful and loving and I trust him completely now, after years (in fact, we've been friends before we were together for 20 years). But I am very aware that should something happen to him or should he turn away from me, that would be absolutely devastating... I guess that risk is always there when you trust.

After my friend didn't respond, I knew that was a serious blow for me but at that moment I felt I could cope. Then, later in the same week, my husband and I and his parents went to a restaurant in the countryside and wanted to do a longer walk through the fields and woods.
My MIL has narcissist traits. She is working on it but it still is present in her and now and she falls back into it completely. Like on that day.

I'm tired again.

 Yes, blueberry, that was really great that you could set boundaries, no matter it was a bit late. You could do it, and so you will be able in the future to do it, too. My experience is: If you get the knack of something then you can do that quicker and quicker.
And what a bad luck you have with that narcissists!!

Thank you for the name of the book, I'll try the book, I think.

So I'll try and start my own recovery journal. Maybe it will help me to sort through things. I feel I've held back so much lately.
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Last week I fell into a major crisis. It didn't happen out of the blue, but in that extent it was unexpected to me (and my husband and friends).
A close friend who had bin in a clinic because she was suicidal, had returned home and was better. I had been there for her a lot, maybe I have pushed my limits too far, but when I knew she was relatively o.k., I couldn't hold myself upright any longer. I fell into panic, and loneliness and hurt. I don't know what exactly.

That she came home, that was the trigger. But the reason that I felt that way (apart from all the old feelings), were a couple of things that happened earlier.

My closest friend turned away from me. We were friends for 10 years and for the last two or three years, she suffered repeatedly from depression. Well, with her, too, I tried to be there for her and support her and had no room for my issues with her for a long time. I admit that my strength is very limited and maybe it was not enough for her what I gave. She started to contact me lesser and lesser (answered my messages lesser and lesser, contacted me only for special favors), and then she stopped contacting me entirely. I asked her in a letter, what was wrong, but she didn't answer. Then I asked her if she had gotten the letter. No answer. At that time, I didn't feel too much, I was not unaffected of the growing distance and had learned to cope with her absence.
Oh dear I have to stop for today, too much hurt here.

Thank you, Jazzy, for understanding and encouraging me. That helped a lot!
So I think I start a journal and see how it feels. I was also thinking of writing in the journal in the morning and reading and answering other posts later in the day.

Wow, that sounds like a wonderful experience! And that it immediately showed in your dreams - I'm so happy for you.
Great that you had the courage to do it 

That book you're working with at the moment, I would be interested in the title, because that bit of feeling your feelings... it rings a bell with me.

I am glad to hear the dancing / the learning of it was helpful to you.

When I panicked a few days ago I called a number of "Arbeitskreis Leben" which is there in case of severe crisis. Talking to them helped a lot.
Second, I tried to tell myself "this is panic" and just let it be for the moment. Third, I went to a bank in the fields around our village, it is a place with view, and stayed there for a long time. As Jazzy said, it does make you tired and sleepy at some point. Of course, the walking, too, helped.

Scout, what you say about your mother sounds horrible. No wonder you have to struggle with those feelings. 

 

Please excuse my typo in the earlier reply.  I meant good therapist! LOL....at myself.

Not sure how I feel about tomorrow other than I absolutely have to do this. Because the only thing that damaged me more than the abuse was hearing the victim-blaming.

Hello holidayay,
I feel there is so much power in this statement. Thank you for sharing! I am angry with you.

Thank you for your welcoming! That really means a lot to me :-)

Then all we can do is try again, maybe adjust for some more self-care (a delicate process, for sure), which might spark some new ways of being with the overwhelm of having tried so hard.

Thanks woodsgnome, that self-care thing is really tricky but soooo important, and I'll keep trying. For instance I'm telling myself that I don't have to read every post.

I was thinking maybe to start a journal but haven't decided yet, it would take a lot of courage to be so, well, just "there". But I'll see.

So glad to be back.

Hi,
I've been here on the forum months ago and it soon became too much for me. I was in a deep crisis then and very confused so I had to take a few steps back and look for a therapist first. (I have found a very good one now  ,somatic experiencing).

Now I feel stable enough to give it another try here in the forum as I found it a huge help and relieve even then when I couldn't handle it. Thanks to all of you for that!
Anjulie

"maybe not a personal boundary, but an implied forum boundary about being supportive and not giving advice.  i was in my own head and perspective, and was pretty adamant about how i viewed what you were saying about how you felt about your situation and feelings.  i don't think that was ok - when i get caught up in my own crapola, i tend to get bossy and controlling."

Dear San, I know these thoughts, too. I sometimes tend to give bossy advice, too, at least it feels bossy. And then I'm ashamed.  I think it's good that you are aware about this.

But we do not have to be perfect.

And when I notice bossiness in my tone I can check back. I don't mean your post to 3R was bossy (I haven't read that one).
Take good care of yourself.

But she has E-mailed me a few times, and somehow I have felt as if I'm being 'chased' - I think it was something triggering about it.

Same over here.