Messages

Welcome.

Not going sounds like totally the loving, adult thing to do. I read in a book once: "We all have limits. We just don't know where they are till we've reached them."

It sounds like you reached one, and acknowledging it and listening to it is so important.

Sounds like you made a healthy decision.

I feel so sad for the weight of shame and condemnation that you carry. (And I understand it.)

I know intellectually that I can and should express my thoughts, that I can start fresh now in my 50's, that life can change, that I can do something every day for my art.

Would love to see you express yourself freely. Would it help to take baby steps? Maybe give yourself 30 minutes to paint. What would help you to be true to this part of yourself? Talk back to the voices, maybe even aloud: "I am an artist and I am worth expressing myself in this way," or whatever best answers the voices. I am for you and rooting for you. 

I think it was good that you trusted your gut feeling and cancelled your appointment. 

Having a list may make me feel more confident that it all happened, and it was all as bad as I think it is.

If having a list would help you to believe your memories and to know it was all bad, maybe it would be helpful. However, I would join the others in encouraging you to be very cautious if you decide to do that and to discuss it with your T. I only wrote a memory down one time. I did it to try to diffuse the intensity that I was feeling from the memory until I could share it with my T. I burned it immediately after writing it down. I found the process of writing it to be very distressful and in the process of writing, the emotional, mental and physical flashbacks were very intense.

Yes, people on this forum "get it" and it is helpful to hear from and talk to others who have similar struggles. When I get time to be on this site, it often feels like a relief; I am with people with whom I can be my messed up self. Welcome!

  Sending you a caring hug.

Oscen, thank you for sharing your progress with us. The thing that sticks out to me is that whether talking about your improvements or things to be worked on, you seem to be treating yourself with kindness. 

I need to begin small. I'll try to think about one thing I can do, just one thing that's different, that's kind, that changes the old story.  I'm connecting with you all here--that's something. I'm so grateful. It really does help.

In my therapy session recently, I told my therapist something that I was thinking of doing for the little parts of me, then I said, "What good will that little thing do?" He said if you are in a dark cave, a little light sheds a lot of light. It doesn't light the entire cave, but it makes a difference."

I always fight for the underdog.  I just do. I don't want a student or person to feel unloved... unloveable...

When the worst of my trauma was happening... no one noticed. No one stepped in and said... where did you disappear to? Are you ok? Why are you limping?  Not a teacher, adult, someone that had power!!!  So the power stayed with my abusers. I think deep down I wanted to be noticed, I wanted someone to come take care of me and stop me from falling through those cracks.

That's why I teach now. I try desperately to be that person. I want to help those and notice when others are struggling.  It sort of became a secret mission  ya know?

Deep Blue,

Your note reminded me that two teachers noticed something was amiss and asked me a question. "Why did you choose this newspaper article to share?" and "Is everything okay at home?" I was too disconnected from myself to even know what was happening and even if I wasn't disconnected I would have been too afraid to answer. However, after all these years, I remember that someone noticed something and cared enough to ask.  Yay to you for being that person for your friends and students. Even if the person doesn't respond, your care makes a difference.

I guess it makes it more 'real' that Social Services were involved with my family - because sometimes I doubt things - even though at another level, I know they are real.  But seeing it in black and white like that - it brings it more to reality.

I shared the contents with my partner, although I couldn't read them out loud to him, as I just couldn't speak the words - I felt really upset - but it felt like younger parts of me were upset. 

I can't really say more about it now, but the emotion has calmed - at least for now - and I am glad that I did enquire about this, and I am still processing the contents that I read there. 

I understand the doubting. Last weekend I received some "confirmation," not in writing, but some things that my sisters said. I also am still reeling and processing. Even though difficult, I'm glad you received confirmation. Please treat yourself with care and kindness. 

  Powerful insights.

  It is really hard---everything sometimes----because of what you experienced when you were a child. It affected you significantly. You are not doing anything wrong because life is such a struggle. You are suffering the consequences. I understand how sometimes the simplest task seems overwhelming. Be kind to yourself. 

I lm looking forward to learning from you and to hang out in a group where what I am coping with is not un-normal.

Welcome. I have found this to be a place where others understand the daily difficulties as well as the really tough times.

Welcome.