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Powerful drawings. Thank you for sharing those.

I decided to share something that happened a couple of weeks ago; the impact is still with me.

I have struggled with believing my memories. My T said that my not believing myself has been a way for me to protect myself. That wall has been slowly coming down over the last year. A couple of weeks ago a large chunk was torn down. I am feeling raw and vulnerable, but it is also good. That wall that was there to protect me is now a weight and a burden.

Trigger Warning *********
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I had a flash memory of my grandfather forcing me to take a drink of alcohol. I told that to my T. It was very brief. We didn't talk about it much. It was a 5 second scene from my childhood. Six days after telling my therapist that memory, I was with my siblings and we were looking at photos. One of them told me that my Aunt had told her that her father (my grandfather) forced alcohol down her until she passed out. I hadn't told them my memory. My siblings know VERY LITTLE about my abuse. Their experience was different; apparently I was the selected one. Also, my sister said she missed our mother. I said that I know that their experience was very different, but mom gave me to grandpa. One of them said, "He (grandpa) must have really had her (mom) under his thumb that she sacrificed her daughter." I really was shocked that they didn't deny that she gave me to that monster or that they didn't defend her. So those two things: my aunt's memory similar to mine and my siblings reaction to my telling them that our mother gave me to grandfather, have caused a huge portion of my wall of unbelief (of my memories) to come crashing down.
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End trigger warning

I feel very shaky inside. Also, a bit like someone has turned a light on in a very dark room. Those things (stated above and much more) did happen to me. I'm not crazy. I am not making things up. I was abused. I was abused. I was abused.

Supporting you in your progression. 

Feeling for you being "lost in the swirling mess of trauma." I know the feeling and would like to send you a hug.  You are not alone.

I can see where those interactions were triggering. Sending you care and tenderness.  Proud of you for standing up for yourself.

Been thinking of you knowing you have big adventures in front of you.

  Super!

Thinking of you. When you are up to it, please give us an update.

Welcome home. 

Hope,
You have so much going on with the adult you trying to cope and concerned about things coming up, your body feeling things intensely, ICs wanting to talk about their experiences. I also understand about the focus on the wallpaper pattern. Just want you to know that you are heard. I know it is really hard. 

Nobody, except my kids and my therapist, has any idea what's actually going on inside of me. They ask me how I am and I just say "I'm fine".

Happy to be part of a group of people that can hopefully relate....

Welcome to a place where you don't have to put on a mask. 

Glad you are not being silent right now and that you are talking to us.

And Do you find yourself feeling like give up because you spent so long in your whole life fighting (fighting to keep peace, fighting your own self, fighting co workers or boss for respect, fighting to get what you want.)  I talked with my friend and he said that I should not give up. but right now I feel fought out and just want to have peace and quiet. no more fighting, but I know I have to fight in order to get what I want (career wise, as I just graduated college with a diploma in automotive mechanics).

Plumb tuckered out.

With c-PTSD even the simplest task can seem overwhelming. Some days it feels like a fight to take the next breath, let alone making steps in a career. This is part of an email I sent to my T yesterday. "Told myself I need to fight, but couldn't remember what I'm fighting for. Just putting energy into a tiny victory in an un-winnable war?" Telling you this so you know you are not alone in those feelings. With that being said, I join with your friend in encouraging you to not give up. One step at a time. And your diploma---Huge accomplishment!! 

Another thought: What are some small ways that you can give yourself rest? A walk, a cup of tea, read a book, etc. Sometimes those little oasises help a bit.

I'm too out of it to write any sensible words, but do want to send you a hug. 

My husband ran his first marathon last year and he also was disappointed in his race. I think that is a fairly common reaction. I understand, though, that your feelings of disappointment and not being able to celebrate run very deep. Although painful, I think it is good that you are able to see where that comes from and another step toward healing. I say to you: finishing a marathon is a HUGE accomplishment.  Way to go, Oscen! Yay! 

Hearing your feelings of frustration and being overwhelmed.