Messages

This morning I was thinking about how small tasks can seem so overwhelming. I see things that need to be done, but it feels like too much. For example, I had been looking at my very dusty fan above my bed. After weeks of seeing it and thinking, "that needs to be washed," I finally washed it. It didn't really take very long. Another example, the small flower garden in my yard needed to be cleaned out. After the first snow melted (!!!), I got outside and cleaned it up. I had wanted to save seeds to plant in the spring; however, it was all I could do to pull up the dead plants and put those into the yard waste. Just that little thing of saving seeds was too much on that day. 


Maybe it's because life with cPTSD is just so wearing. I also have DID so I have needy, hurting children inside who need time, attention and care. Add to that the stress of things that have to be done. I work part time, but even a 3 or 5 hour shift requires a lot of my energy for me to be "on." After that I need crash time.

As I look at this week, these things seem big: today-memorial service for good friend who died of cancer, Monday-therapy (even though an hour, it consumes most of my day), Tues, work and first marriage session with new therapist (8 out of 10 on anxiety scale), between work and other responsibilities no days this week that I am completely "off."

Thanks for listening. I am now going to take a deep breath and straighten  and vacuum one room. 

Today I feel better than I have done in a while. Relaxed and fairly happy. Less anxiety. What a relief.

I have been reading The Secret Garden on and off for about a year. I love the themes inside it and feel like it was written for me. I definitely recommend this book for comfortable reading, with gems of beauty and meaning.

So glad you are feeling better and also finding nurturing ways to celebrate your new job.
I love "The Secret Garden" also.

I just feel like talking. I don't know if I will send this or not, but it doesn't hurt to write it. I'm feeling lots of things. NotAlone suggested that I text the three friends who she just told on Monday about DID. They know about Hope (5) and Eleven-year-old. They know about me, but only as "the seven year old." I didn't want them to know my name. Even here, I don't feel safe with people knowing my name, only my first letter. I'm not sure why. Not safe. So, I don't feel safe texting the three friends. We have had men and women hurt us, but we trust women even less. Although, the two people who have been in my life a long time, who didn't leave me or hurt me, are both women. One is living with Jesus now.

The T we see now is always telling us that we can tell him things or not tell him things. We can tell a lot or a little or nothing. It is up to us. He doesn't push us at all. That is really different for us. A     L  O  N  G   time ago, we were in therapy, and there was a big push to tell and to trust. We did trust. It ended up in a lot of hurt. Hurt that can never be fixed. I'm not ready for NotAlone's three friends to know more about me or for me to talk to them. So I guess I won't. It is a bit of a struggle because I feel pretty alone.

I think I will go see our Therapist on Monday. It is really hard because we all need to talk to him. Last week he told NotAlone's three friends about DID so none of us talked to him. The week before that, the eleven year old was in the middle of something and time was up. That was really hard. NotAlone needs to talk to him about marriage stuff. Eleven year old left off in the middle of really bad things. Hope wants to just be with him, but she also had some bad things to talk about. NotAlone says I should see him. Maybe I will tell him that he didn't answer the part in my email about him talking to me out of his head when I was crying (in September). Maybe I'll tell him that when he said in his email that he missed talking to me, I don't believe him (mostly). Maybe I'll show him the paper that I crumbled up and wrote "care is a lie" and scribbled really mad on it. Maybe I will sit and color with him and just be upset. There are other things too. I don't know. I hate all of this. I want a big eraser to erase EVERYTHING.

So today I want to celebrate the self compassion and awareness that I have developed. .....  Getting the job is going to be great in so many ways, however I really need to take care of myself at the moment. I need to rest a lot, and I need to be gentle.

I suppose self-awareness is a quieter type of success. To celebrate I am going to focus on self-care as my number one priority. I want to be stable, and I want peace and security, therefore I am going to try to hone in on the elements in life that bring this to me. Job is looking good, so now I can try my best keep focus on the other areas of my life that need addressing. Step by step.

I feel like this is a big step for me, in the way I am looking at things.

I was thinking of going out at lunchtime and finding some lovely smelling bubblebath, maybe some massage oil and a scented candle. Also possibly a piece of fluffy clothing!  I would love to find new ways to celebrate success that are safe, stable, secure, peaceful, caring, gentle and restorative. If anyone has ideas, I would love to hear them.

Great that you are focusing on self-care and self-nurturing. I recently bought myself two pairs of sweat pants. It sounds like a minor thing, but it really was a big deal to me to be able to care for myself by wearing comfortable and nurturing clothing.

The ideas that you listed to buy to help you celebrate sound like great ideas. Do you have a soft, comfy blanket?

Congratulations on your new job! 

Sceal, I'm sorry things are so incredibly difficult right now.

Sorry for stealing your words notalone. It's easier, takes up less energy for me.

Completely okay. I do the same thing. It also helps me to know that what I said was worthwhile.

San, don't want to hijack what you are saying, but wanted to respond to Blueberry.

  I did it! Thank you.

San, I'm sorry you have been so hurt by so many therapists. I have some hurt from therapists also and I know the damage can severe. Glad you were able to talk to her and get some information and hope.

Yes, everything is so hard. Good realization about what sometimes happens during your meditation and making a decision to stop before or when the catastrophising thoughts sneak in.

Welcome. 

Hi MoonBeam. Please say hi to Little M. I know what it's like to be scared. If I was with Little M I'd put my arm around her. That's what I do for Hope (she's 5). I'm glad for the friendships with you and the other people here too.

I was feeling really mad too. I'm calmer now. I wrote "Care is a lie" on a piece of paper and then scribbled on the back then crumpled the paper. My crayon broke. I was thinking of people who I really trusted who left me. I know I won't ever trust like I did before. There is a lot to tell about that,
but not right now.

Little B, it is good to hear from you. I have been thinking of you, but like I said, I've been way inside. The hug from Little Richard feels safe. Thank you. Roman (my bear) would like to give you a hug.

Snowdrop, thank you for the cloud. Even though I'm having a hard time, it made me smile. How did you make it go across the screen? I'm sorry you've had people leave you too. There are so many ways to hurt people.

I'm going to go eat icecream now.

E

It has been a long time since I've been out. I have been way inside, taking care of the other kids. Last time that I was out, I was with Therapist and I cried. (That was in September.) He talked to me from his head and that made me feel like he didn't care. I emailed him on Monday and told him that. He emailed back and said that he was glad I told him how I was feeling and he hopes that I come to see him soon. I don't know. I have had a lot of people leave me. I don't trust. My heart hurts all the time. I really just want to hide. Maybe I'll do that right now. I feel afraid and confused.

From,
E (7 years old)

Slipping,
I don't have any words of wisdom, but I want you to know that I read your story. Do you have a therapist or anyone who can help you to process? What you went through and continue to experience is really big and seemingly overwhelming. Glad you reached out for support here.