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I wouldn't categorize any of my parts as either "good" or "bad." They are hurt children and sometimes that means a lot of anger or possibly acting out. Like any upset children, they need to be heard, believed and understood.

Mostly my Littles come out in therapy or at home. Occasionally, one may pop out briefly, but I don't think it is obvious or noticed.

You weren't ready today. That is okay. You are NOT a waste of space. You are precious.

In January, our insurance changed. Therapist not on plan, which meant paying out of pocket. At the time I went through a great deal of distress trying to decide what to do. I decided to continue seeing the same therapist and get a part time job to pay for it. I thought that after I paid a certain amount (which is where I'm at now), insurance would pay part of my therapy sessions. After spending a long time on the phone with insurance agent yesterday, I found out that was not the case. I won't go into the details, but they won't pay any of it. The agent went on and on about "why aren't you seeing someone in network?" "You've already spent ______ and if you were in network it would only be ______." She even told me that she saw the same therapist for five years so she understood wanting to be with the same person, but. . .  I was very calm on the phone with her and thanked her for clarifying, but when I hung up I was being swept away in a whirlwind. I felt stupid and guilty for staying with the same T, which is costing me a LOT of money. The thought of seeing someone else sends me into utter panic.

If I did see someone else, I think it would take a minimum of 6 months to get caught up to where I am now. Also, my husband will be retiring in a year, so 6 months to get to current point with new therapist and then six months of therapy. After that, likely therapist would not accept retirement insurance.

I am working part-time, enough hours to pay for therapy. My therapy (since January) is not taking money away from my family.

I'm not seriously considering switching therapists, and still the Littles are freaking out over the thought. If I were to switch, not only would it be hard for them to trust new T, they would loose trust in me.

I say all this, but inside the whirlwind is raging. I say to myself: "You made a decision to stay with T. You decided that was the best thing for yourself. You are working, even though sometimes incredibly difficult, to pay to stay with T." Why can't I just say that and move on? Why is this making me crazy?

If you choose to respond to this post, please don't advise about seeing a new T. I need to be heard and understood how crazy-making this is and maybe be reassured that I'm not being stupid.

Thanks, everyone, for your input about needing to be crystal clear. It is something that I never noticed before, but when I was responding in this post, I started explaining myself, then deleted, telling myself that it wasn't a big deal and not important to the main point. But I couldn't let it go and had to clarify. My T would say to be curious about what happens inside when I am misunderstood. I'm sorry that some of you go through the same thing. I appreciate you sharing, though. It helps to keep me from self-condemning (why can't you just. .    ) to a kinder voice inside (this is what happens when you are not believed. . .)

May I just take a moment and have a temper tantrum?  Sometimes I am just so mad that big things and little things are so hard.

I am so grateful to all of you for your open sharing, care, and input. 

"Wait, that's not true.  I don't need to be a better person.  What I need is to get better at being a person."  That went along with another thought that flashed through my mind at some point this week, that my quest is to accept myself as I am while continuing to work towards being the best version of myself that I can.

Welcome. 

But I mainly wanted to commend myself because a month ago I went no contact with someone who was slowly getting a hold of me.

But the thing is, I noticed it was abusive and I actually took a step back.  So I'm happy about that.

Well done. That is important progress.

 

Hope your time with your friend is renewing.

  Thanks for sharing your hope! It did make my heart smile.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F28MGLlpP90&list=PL1YJ49es97IrlmamOo3Yj5AbOOSXdvXXA&index=3&t=0s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgSbF_xH9LU&list=PL1YJ49es97IrlmamOo3Yj5AbOOSXdvXXA&index=3

guided imagery. I use both of these often.

To everyone:

I did end up seeing Therapist on Monday. I wish I could feel his care, but it is hard for me to believe it. There's more, but I don't feel like writing it now.

Snowdrop, thanks for talking to me and for the cloud and for Roman's hug. (NotAlone forgot to bring him to session so I didn't have him to hold. Luckily I was wearing a hoodie, so I put my hood on, which felt a little safer.) I thought it was a really good idea to bring what I wrote to session, so I printed it and brought it. I ended up not needing to read it, but it was a really good idea. Thank you.

Grown-up Blueberry and four-year-old, thank you for what you said. I wish I could color with 4 year old. I would put my arm around her like I do for Hope (5). Your Little's care means a lot. 

San, thanks for writing to me. I'm sorry you've been sick and I'm sorry you know about people leaving. That makes me feel sick inside, but it is feelings sick, not physical sick. Thanks for your love and hug. I love you too.

E

Snookiebookie, Three Roses, Blueberry, Jazzy, Bach:

Thank you all for your responses. I'm sorry that you have those struggles too, but it is helpful to have people say, "yes, I get it."

Perhaps when you feel that 'simple' tasks are too much, that's your body and mind trying to prioritize your self-care.

A good reminder to listen to myself, to know that I am feeling that stress for a reason.

Imagine asking someone with a broken toe to tap their foot to some music. Tapping your foot is a very easy thing to do, except for that pre-existing condition.

Jazzy, this is a great picture for me and very helpful. Thank you.

Just to clarify; the fan, garden, and vacuuming; were all separate days. (Does my need to clarify come from not being believed as a child and therefore needing to be crystal clear without room for misunderstanding? Hmm?)

I'm glad that you check in every once in awhile. I think of you and picture you at school. Although in my mind, it is a beautiful fall day on campus, not a day with snow and below freezing temperatures!

Snookie,

I want you to know that I read your post and have heard you. Brave of you to share. It all sounds very complex and extremely painful. Sending you a compassionate hug.  You were worthy to be love by your mom and your dad. They both failed you. Those were their shortcomings and brokenness.