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Oh gosh this sounds so awful.  I  think she definitely should have told you -it was deceitful.

So invalidating too that she would brush over what you felt by saying your mother sounds like she loved you. That was not how you felt. Full stop. There are obviously reasons as to why you felt that way.

It sounds good that you have stopped seeing her and that you have put the anger where it belongs- with her and her practice, not finding fault in yourself. Remember though that not all therapists are the same. There are lovely, understanding and experienced people out there when/ if you feel ready to try again- there are even some i have heard of who specialise in helping people who have had bad experiences in therapy.

I'm sorry its feeling so hard right now, maybe you need to give yourself some time to grieve what has happened and your loss of trust- i think it would be totally normal and natural to feel this way after going through that.

Sending good wishes   

Hi Boatsetsailrose,

I can really relate to you and this is something I have been really grappling with in therapy over the past few years. I feel really conscious of who I am involved with more than I used to be, in a way I guess I have become more hyper-vigilent. sometimes I find it so confusing and I don't know which way is up and who I can trust.

For me I had to back away from all my friends and family and go into a bit of a cocoon- it's helped me to build relationships back up with the people who have understood. It's also helped me to let others go, either because after some healing i just can't stand to be around them because of their N ways, or some didn't like my new boundaries, and others, like my father, just disappeared when i wasn't making all the effort.

This is slowly helping me to make space for better relationships and instead of focusing on the relationship itself I try to focus on activities that I love and which make me feel good- I have gotten closer to some people as a result- hopefully you're walking club will help you to do the same. I think it's good to experiment. I joined a netball team which I found very difficult and triggering and had to stop but I loved going to a mindfullness buddhist group with a friend as  even when I wasn't feeling great it took the pressure off to 'perform'

I still feel  that I am 'too much' 'too needy' 'too aloof' 'too quiet' 'too loud' even 'too smelly', which sounds as though you are also experiencing in some way? but I can't be all those things! I try to remember that it is my inner critic talking and I just try to keep going with how I feel and manage the uncertainty about what this will bring.  It has definitely got easier over time but I've still got a long way to go. Even being on here makes me feel worried and that people must be able to sense my 'rotteness' and 'baddness', even though I know logically that can't be true.

Mapping out my social circle really helped too... drawing concentric rings around 'me' of 'very close', 'close', 'acquaintance,' 'ambivalent' and 'enemy' and then putting a dot for every person I know in the section I feel is most appropriate at that time. I do this every once in a while- I know this is very structured but it helps me to sit with how I feel and reflect on what is going on in my relationships. it also helped me to be honest with myself and consider which relationships I would like to invest my energy in.

I wish this stuff just came naturally to me but for now, until i can consistently listen to my feelings, it helps!

Also with your friend have you talked to her about what happened or why she is not speaking to you?

Hi Indigochild,

When I'm bored or at a loose end or generally need some time for myself I like to get lost in something creative and before I know it the hours have whizzed by and I feel so calm and relaxed. I've enjoyed painting and drawing and mosaic - all of them have the same effect on me.

If you haven't done anything creative before there are lots of more structured things for beginners now for adults like mindfulness coloring books with beautiful intricate designs/ paint by numbers for adults/ foil scratching. It also gives something to see at the end and a sense of pride that I created something 

I've got my in laws coming to stay in a few weeks and I'm already feeling stressed about it. they have similar patterns of relating to my own FOO and i find being around them incredibly triggering.

DH's mother will often turn the conversation back to herself, make broad statements about how people should be and interupts me constantly. she woks in the same field and will often be little my role or act like she knows more about it than i do. if a conversation comes up about it she will often take over and tell all she knows about it. I will also stumble across her and my SIL whispering to each other in little areas of the house which i have no idea whether it is about me or not but it just makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home.

I'm slowly starting to stick up for myself a bit- on a couple of occasions more recently I said 'hold on' while i tried to get my point out but this feels very uncomfortable to me and then i find it difficult to speak under the pressure this creates. I feel sick ad i want the ground to swallow me up.  my husband is very aware of it now ad he will pick up on what I'm saying by asking questions but then his MIL will leave the table or do something else!

I think it upsets me much less than it used to and i don't need her to validate me as much but i still just don't like having her around.  I'm mainly worried about the example I'd like us to set for our children- We do not have children yet but when we do I do not want to teach them that it is OK to speak to, or be spoken to by, people in this way.

Have anyone else had and similar experiences of their in laws acting like their FOO and what has helped?

I've just had a bit of an Epiphany and i thought i would share- It would be great to hear if anyone else has had similar experiences?

I have a reputation among old friends and my family for being 'dizzy', i would always loose things, seem spaced out spend time daydreaming. People i meet now don't neccessarily see me in this way and at work I'm generally quite organised- although ive realised recently that when i have meetings with one colleague I always seem to leave something behind in her office. I usually feel very stressed during these meetings and the colleague talks and talks and there is no room for me at all. I find myself collapsing into myself and I think this must be dissociation. i dissociate and then i cant think about what i am doing or keep my head about me and i end up loosing things. i feel very ungrounded.

The more my family teased me about it iand called me names in the past, the more i think it affected me and it makes me feel stressed just writing it now . If anyone now picks up on it now i feel very sensitive and criticised and i just end up doing it more and hating myself and wishing i were different.

does any one else have a similar experience - what have you found helps?

This is such a good thread and I also feel triggered and stressed when others talk alot and interupt. I've realised a lot more since I've been in T. Some of my friends have now naturally drifted away and I've been able to change the relationship with some people. I like what you said Boatsetsailrose about it being a game. I also think it is although a game I feel very reluctant to play. I think this will helps for people I don't choose to be in my life but have to spend time with.

These ideas are really useful so thank you for sharing. 

Sasha, I'm sorry this is feeling so hard at the moment. I feel this could be my own ic speaking.

You sound lovely and loveable. Ive come to the conclusion myself that people can be stupid and selfish and clueless and nasty. As a child being around people like this you would have sucked that all in and taken it on as your own. It was not you.

Keep goung, I know its hard but keep going and you will find love and compassion for yourself and then forgiveness for not having it all along. I'm sure you will want to sweep yourself up into a big giant hug and keep yourself safe and love yourself.

We're here with you

Thank you Ferzak, that feels very validating. It's a long road isn't it?!

In some ways I think it should be easy for me. My father and Stepmother haven't bothered to make contact at all with me really for the past 15 years so all I need to do is stop contacting them but it's so difficult- especially when I know they present the reason they haven't seen me as  that I'm too busy- not even in a victim way just in a brush off not even bothered way really. I find them so vacant and detached from me and my life. Part of the journey for me in therapy has been letting go of the fantasy of the parents I wished I had and once I let go of that I realised I didn't have a reason to call them or stay in touch.

It feels so heartbreaking though.I feel like I'm being kicked in the stomach as I write this even. Sometimes I do feel guilty but when I remember all the men I let treat me badly and not bother calling back or give me anything  because I didn't even expect that anyone could give me anything, let alone deserve it. In someway I wish I was strong enough to just stay in touch and accept what they can give me. But then I have a reality check- so I want to stay in touch with people who make no effort, don't seem to want a relationship with me but I should give lots of my energy to them by calling and thinking of them- just because they brought me into the world (so now I'm grateful that they didn't abort me?- I really am clutching at straws). Then I realise that it is this reality that would be crazy! NOT the reality where I stop chasing after people to make them love me.

I don't want to let go of that anger because it helps me to remember who I now am and that it is NOT OK to be treated in that way. I don't want to forgive and forget. I NEED the anger to remind me of what I AM worth and to hold onto the special relationships in my life where I do get something back and where I don't feel that way. I think coming to terms with this has meant that all the one sided relationships in my life have started to fall away.

Since being here I also feel a little stronger standing up to my mum and saying that I don't want any contact with my stepfather. I've realised that I'm still scared of my mums reaction and I think this goes back to a time when I would never dare disagree with her or talk back. 

I know exactly what you mean by the list of 'shoulds' and cliched statements! maybe if the these family members recognize what I am worth and apologised for freezing me out/all the violence and abuse then I  could forgive them. But Ive realised that this itself is a fantasy and that without working hard on themselves, as I have, this is very unlikely. I've worked incredibly hard to get to where I am now and I never want to go back. I have learned to only talk about my family situation to people I've learned to trust. for other people if it has to come up I will focus on talking about the family I do keep in touch with. I finally actually feel empowered to only share very sensitive information with whom I want and have that boundary between my  feelings and a sometimes harsh and hostile outer world!

I'm sorry you also have to endure these (sometimes well meaning, sometimes controlling and manipulative) 'new-age dictates'. I personally do think the 'positivity movement'  has its place, alongside experiencing ALL emotions, but the more I am healing, the more grating and irritating I am finding the whole positivity mind set thing when people use it to gloss over or suppress 'negative' feelings!

Right now I like my anger and it serves a purpose! 

Hi awakening eagle,

I'm sorry to hear of you struggle but glad you have also foundthis site. Sounds like you've been through a tough time. When you choose a T to work with do you know what type of therapist you work well with and which ones less so? I know for me it takes a long time to build trust and a relationship so the deeper work happened for me after about a year of seeing her, despite me pretending everything was OK a few times before that and trying to leave.

Everyone here is so understanding and people are discovering new things about themselves all the time. I've been through periods where i feel like i cant do anything and think im never going to be OK again and then periods that are more settled and I can see the progress I've made. Reading, understanding,  talking to my T and doing fun things and surrounding myself with people I love and letting others go have all helped my along my recovery. Now in this place I can talk to like minded people who understand.  Keep sharing 

Yes it makes total sense indigo child. I've also felt a lot about it lately and wgy I have such a strong response, I can share my thoughts but I hope its not too triggering.

I think for me it is when I identify with how a character is feeling or when it stirs up a strong emotion that takes me back to a horrible place. There have definotely been a few films that i remember where i have cried and cried after and its like im not even in my actual life anymore. I guess this post should probably be in the emotional flashback section.

Im guessing its not literally about what happens in the film that is so scary, so for me I'm not actually scared of dinosaurs and for you in guessing you know logically that you're safe from nazis, but when I feel that sense of anticipation and fear I associate it with the anticipation of the abuse I experienced when I was younger and the fear response, which is to freeze and feel heavy like a stone. The feeling is so overwhelming and upsetting. I was never allowed to feel scared because if I showed any fear the abuse would be worse and so on top of my scared feeling I felt a huge sense of fear about the feeling of fear itself  and a huge sense of shame. It's exhausting just thinking about it.

Through therapy I'm realising what my feelings are about and at the moment this makes it even more frightening but I'm hoping that being more will also help me to manage my feelings. 

welcome girlintheattic. I read your introduction post I'm sorry to hear that you've also been going through a tough time.

Thank you for posting, it means a lot to me to feel validated when sharing my positive experiences and for it not to affect others in a negative way, as I always expect it to. I look forward to hearing more from you.

'PS: the amount of violence that is being 'deemed' OK in relation to 'nudeness' being inappropriate has always puzzled me. (I'm not talking sexual acts here!) What are we teaching kids here?'

I totally agree Hysperger. I've known of several children experiencing PTSD symptoms after watching horror films.

I definitely had an over reaction to the film and sent me into an EF, I think it's partly about me accepting that I don't like, and can't watch, fast paced thrillers. People have likened cPTSD to diabetes and I wouldn't keep eating sugar if I had that.

Thank you Kizzie- and thank you for the 

After spending some time reading more posts on here I can see this is a something most people on here are grappling with. There are no easy answers although I wish there were- it can be so exhausting and draining. After writing this I had another EF and I again feel like I want to completely stop contact although I'll probably feel different again tomorrow. I'm guessing this is the painful emotion you were also talking about.

I'm starting to understand my feelings more already through writing and reading posts on here. Such a valuable resource 

Thank you for your kind words and warm welcome.

It's encouraging to hear how other people are pushing through and finding their authentic selves. I need to make sure I make time for creativity and spontentaity more often.

It's such a hard process to go through about contact. And I'm sorry to hear that so many people here are grappling with this issue. It's so difficult for me to come to terms with but at least I'm thinking of it now and considering choices rather than just blindly accepting my fate.

I think being here will be a huge help.

Keepfighting I also like the idea that boundaries don't even have to be 'reasonable' they just need to make you feel safe. I've not thought about this before but I guess its then up to other people how they respond to the boundaries you have set